I Won't Be Home For Christmas

by Amanda Prowse

  She started to cry. Her tears came swiftly and without warning and she ferreted around in her pockets for a non-existent tissue. Her embarrassment was acute.

  ‘God, I’m so sorry.’ She tried to hide her face with the back of her palm.

  ‘Here…’ He gave her his handkerchief.

  Nodding her thanks, she blew her nose and wiped her eyes.

  ‘Don’t cry, Viv,’ he whispered and placed his hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.

  ‘I’m crying because to say those things out loud makes me feel so sad. It’s a horrible thought that I was nothing to him. And it’s ridiculous for me to feel this way; we were on a collision course from day one. And when he left, I didn’t yearn for him as such, but it was more the fact that I was robbed of the fight, the chance to understand what had gone wrong. He just disappeared and that hurt just as much.’ This confession only caused her tears to fall faster. ‘Sorry, Gil. Maybe I’m a bit jetlagged. I never really cry, and certainly not in front of strangers.’

  ‘We’re not strangers, we’ll be family in three days’ time.’

  She nodded. This was true. ‘I’ve been single for so long, I can’t imagine my life being any different, despite Elle nagging me to get out there.’

  They both gave short laughs at the thought of the irrepressible Ellen.

  ‘Does she say it loud or really loud?’ he joked, trying to distract her.

  ‘Both,’ she managed. ‘There are still times when I miss being part of a couple. I miss it more than I can say.’ Again she felt the threat of tears. ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, will you look at me?’ she waved his handkerchief in front of her face. ‘There’s us supposed to be having a nice outing and I’m sitting in this beautiful place with tears and snot running down my face, spoiling it all.’

  ‘You are not spoiling it, and for what it’s worth, I do know how you feel.’ He sounded genuine.

  She sat up and tried to gather herself, feeling a little uncomfortable at having been so honest, knowing he would be greeting Tessa in no time at all. ‘I’m sorry, Gil, let’s talk about something else. I really don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s got nothing to do with you.’

  She fiddled with the handkerchief in her lap and felt the burn of embarrassment on her cheeks, completely unsure as to how to handle this feeling of vulnerability. She glanced at the dappled surface and considered jumping in. Piranhas or not.

  When she looked up, it was as if someone had flicked a light switch. A mass of dark cloud had come up behind them and hidden the sunshine.

  ‘Reckon fishing will have to wait for another day.’ Gil stood and indicated for her to move back into the passenger seat. ‘It will probably pass, but I don’t want to you to be stuck out here in a storm. Not on your first jaunt.’ He pushed the starter button and opened the throttle.

  ‘Oh God, that makes two of us. I don’t want to be stuck out here in a storm either.’ She wriggled down into the seat as he pulled the boat around and headed for shore.

  ‘No need to panic, if it does reach us, I have been out in the rain a million times before. You are safe.’ He spoke determinedly and it had the desired effect. She did feel safe.

  It was, as the boat edged towards the land that the storm caught up with them and the heavens opened. This was nothing like the cold, windy showers that skirted playfully across North Street and could be buffered with the careful angling of her brolly. This was something else entirely. It was like sitting in a warm shower with the tap turned to full. The squall hovered overhead, rolling from purple bruised clouds, sending the deluge in a curtain of rain that fell directly on top of them. Vivienne looked down at her clothes that clung to her body. She removed the soggy cap and ran her hand over her wet hair that was plastered to her scalp and blinked to free her eyelashes that were stuck together with rainfall. She blew out, watching the raindrops that dripped from her nose, shoot outwards.

  ‘Hold on tight, nearly home!’ Gil now had to shout, as the sound of the rain hitting the water was louder than she would have thought. She paddled her feet in the water that had started to gather at the bottom of the boat and wondered how much of a downpour it would take before the boat sank. Visibility was poor; it was as if a thick mist enveloped them and her heart raced. Gil stared ahead, his expression stern, as he concentrated on steering them, almost blindly, back towards the safety of the shore.

  Suddenly with the end of the jetty in sight, he called across to her, ‘Are you okay?’

  She nodded and gave a double thumbs up, unwilling to admit to the enormous relief she felt at the sight of the gappy planks of wood that meant that soon there would be something solid beneath her feet. He reversed the vessel in a neat, well-rehearsed move and steered her alongside the mooring, before jumping up onto the sodden surface of the jetty to secure the boat at the front and back with the fat ropes that he quickly uncoiled and tied to the stubby cleats. He lobbed the two narrow fenders over the edge to protect the boat from the dock, as it bobbed on the choppy sea and walked along the jetty to the front of the boat, where he stood calmly and reached down for her hand. This time without nerves, she stood and with the rain running over her skin in tiny tributaries, she looked up and placed her hand inside his. Gil pulled, leaning back, anchoring her with his weight, as she climbed up and out of the boat. He kept her hand inside his, as they ran up the pebbled beach, towards the truck.

  ‘Perfect timing.’ He smiled, as they jumped into the truck. He removed his hat and rubbed his hair, scattering droplets of water over the dusty dashboard. ‘Yes indeed, I would hate to have got caught in that.’ He grinned, as he peered out of the windscreen and tried to look between the branches of the Douglas fir, as the storm raged on. Their breathing calmed, as their heart rates slowed.

  Vivienne laughed as their bodies steamed in the warmth of the vehicle, fogging up the windows and making the air thick with the salt-tinged vapour of rain.

  ‘I’m soaked right through.’ She pulled her t-shirt from her chest and it made a sucking noise, as it peeled away from her wet skin.

  ‘It’s okay. You are waterproof. Trust me.’ He ran his palm over his face and shook his head.

  They sat in silence listening to the sound of fat raindrops bouncing against the metalwork and watching, as leaves and twigs collected at the base of the windscreen.

  ‘Do you think Michael wants to get married?’ she asked bluntly.

  He turned his head towards her and opened his mouth, clearly searching for the right words. ‘He loves her.’

  ‘And she loves him, I can see that,’ she replied. ‘But we both know, Gil, that sometimes it takes a little bit more than fairy dust and the heat of the moment to make a commitment like this.’

  He nodded. ‘It does, I know, and…’ he paused.

  ‘And what?’

  He exhaled, exhibiting all the signs of the sort of stress she knew he worked hard to avoid. ‘They are great kids, both of them.’

  ‘What were you going to say?’ she prompted again, squeezing the handkerchief that she had failed to return, which was now a sodden lump in the flat of her palm.

  ‘I am a bit concerned. Not about Emma, not at all,’ he was keen to emphasise this, just as much as she was relieved to hear it. ‘I’m very fond of her, but I am worried about certain things…’

  ‘What things?’ She hated the vagueness of it all. ‘I don’t want her to get hurt. That’s all I care about.’ Her tone was urgent.

  ‘I don’t want either of them to get hurt,’ he countered. ‘Look…’ He held up his hands. ‘Michael is not a bad kid, he’s a good man, but he’s already married.’

  ‘What?’ she jerked her head to face him, as she yelled.

  ‘To his job! Jesus!’ Gil placed his hand on his chest and they both laughed at her premature hysteria. There was a moment of silence while they both digested this phrase.

  ‘I guess what I am trying to say, rather badly, is that Michael will always put his work first and that’s okay, if you are ho
nest about it and the other person knows what they are taking on, but I am not so sure Emma does.’

  ‘She knows his job is important, she told me as much.’

  ‘Yes, she does, but I’ve seen enough of my son over the years to understand how important.’ He blinked at her, ‘As I say, I am in no doubt that he loves her, but I think Emma might be planning in her mind for a future that doesn’t exist. And without her network of friends and family around her for support, I worry her spark might go out too and that would be the very worst thing I could imagine.’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered, ‘yes it would.’

  The rain stopped and they both retreated into their own silent musings. Gil cracked the window a little to let in some air and started the engine. ‘Guess we should think about getting back.’

  She nodded, ‘Yes, probably. Thank you for taking me out, I have honestly loved every second of it, even the rainy bit.’

  Gil smiled, as he slowly reversed the truck up to the track in a well-practised manoeuvre. The engine steamed. ‘Don’t worry, Vivienne, I am probably just over-worrying. Maybe we need to have faith in the kids that it’ll all be fine.’ He gave a quick smile as he steered them towards home.

  Strangely, his words had quite the opposite effect. Vivienne rubbed her forehead and placed the soggy, borrowed cap on the back seat; she had the beginnings of a headache. It was turning out to be quite a day.

  *

  She spied the familiar vast blue hydrangea plants just before they reached the entrance to Aropari, as breath-taking as they had been on first sight. They continued up the driveway and past the sign welcoming them home. As Gil pulled up the handbrake, it was the unmistakeable sound of a dog barking that drew her from the moment. She thought for a second that her eyes might be playing tricks. It was Bob! But it wasn’t, of course, it couldn’t be.

  ‘Tessa! Hello, you beauty! Hello there!’ Gil leapt down from the cab and embraced his beautiful dog – his Tessa, his trusty sidekick, companion and seafaring buddy.

  Tessa barked and nuzzled against his leg. ‘Oh! Hello you! Welcome home!’ He crouched low and rubbed the dog’s pretty head.

  She heard his words of earlier, recalled his happy face. ‘If I want to get away from it all, Tessa and I just head out. It’s paradise.’

  ‘Tessa is your dog?’ she asked.

  ‘Yup. Isn’t she a beauty?’ He petted the animal, oblivious to the lightness this revelation brought to Vivienne’s spirit.

  ‘Yes, she is. I have a dog that looks just like her, but he’s called Bob and I miss him so much.’

  ‘I’d miss her too. She’s had a little op, been at the vet’s for forty-eight hours. I must say, I didn’t like her not being here.’

  ‘You get used to the company, don’t you?’ She spoke absentmindedly, thinking of all the times she had taken comfort from the presence of her four-legged friend.

  ‘You certainly do.’ He looked up at her and quite unexpectedly she felt her stomach flip.

  ‘Viv!’ Ellen’s shouts distracted her and she turned to the terrace to see her friend approaching with a basket of green fruit. ‘Good Lord, look at the state of you two, you are soaked. What did you do, jump in?’

  ‘The storm.’ Vivienne pointed upwards at the sky that was already clearing to its beautiful shade of blue.

  ‘Never mind that, will you look at these.’ Ellen held up a huge avocado. ‘I picked this straight from the tree, can you believe it? Look at them!’ She was clearly impressed, and rightly so, they looked delicious.

  ‘I didn’t know you liked avocados,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t, but that’s not the point,’ Ellen barked. ‘I didn’t know you liked going out in tiny boats, and getting rained on, but judging from your rosy cheeks, I’d say you rather enjoyed yourself. A day of firsts for both of us. Who knew?’

  Vivienne gave her friend a hard stare. She was in no mood for her teasing in front of Gil.

  ‘And I see you’ve met Tessa?’ She emphasised the name with a knowing glint in her eye.

  ‘Yes, she’s smashing.’ Vivienne turned her gaze on the animal, avoiding having to look at her friend.

  ‘Isn’t she just.’ Ellen beamed. ‘Emma and I have been hard at it. We’re having a barbecue tonight, everything is under control.’

  Vivienne smiled at her friend, who had slipped so easily into this wonderful Kiwi lifestyle.

  ‘Michael not back yet?’ Gil asked, a little sharply, as he straightened.

  ‘Haven’t seen him, but I know Emma spoke to him a little while ago.’ Ellen grabbed Vivienne’s hand to walk her back to the house.

  ‘Viv,’ Gil called after her.

  She stopped and turned to face him. ‘Yes?’

  He placed his hands on his hips and looked skywards, as if searching for inspiration. ‘Nothing.’ He waved his hand in the air as if he might be able to erase the comment. ‘Thanks for a lovely day.’

  She smiled at him as he turned his attention to the back of the truck and began sorting out the redundant fishing tackle that they had neglected to use.

  The two friends strolled back to their room.

  ‘Tessa is a dog,’ Ellen shouted, far too loudly for comfort. ‘Fancy that.’ She grabbed her friend’s arm and squeezed it hard.

  ‘Yes, fancy.’ She wriggled free of Ellen’s grip and tried to sigh and look nonchalant, even though her insides were jumping with excitement.

  ‘Reckon we might get you up to two notches on the bedpost by the end of the trip?’ Ellen chortled.

  ‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ she shot back as she shed her rain-soaked trousers and sweaty T-shirt and headed for the shower. She couldn’t, however, hide the smile that hovered around her mouth, even though Gil’s unsettling comments about Michael and Emma had tempered her buoyant mood. She couldn’t wait to speak to Emma later when they were alone.

  ‘I think I might have a little nap after my shower.’ She yawned.

  ‘Good plan. I’ll leave you to it, love. I have salad to chop, after all. Plus I want to give Trev a shout, let him know we’re okay. I’ll ask him to check on Bob too.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She yawned again and stepped into the bathroom.

  After a blissful forty winks, Vivienne woke to find Ellen rummaging through one of the drawers, looking for God only knew what. She got up and began to get ready, giving her hair a quick tousle as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Her beauty regime was minimal: a little moisturiser or hand cream when she remembered and a smear of lipstick and blusher to liven herself up on a cold grey day. As this evening was very far from being either cold or grey, a simple spritz of perfume would do it.

  ‘You need to make an effort, Viv.’ Ellen was staring at her from across the bedroom. ‘Your daughter is the star of the show and you are the mother of the bride. All eyes will be on you, you know; you can’t just shove a top on and hope for the best. You’ve got to try harder. Why not accessorise, put your turquoise beads on or a few bangles. Pretty it up a bit.’

  ‘Well, thanks for that, Gok! And what do you mean, all eyes will be on me? She doesn’t get married for another three days – this is just a barbecue.’ She pulled a face at her pushy friend, then picked up her toothbrush and scrubbed her teeth.

  ‘I know, but I want you to look your best. You’re not taking Bob for a run over at St John’s, you are in Tutukaka, about to have dinner under the stars with a sexy, quiet, sheep-farmer cowboy. Who has a dog called Tessa. A dog!’ she shouted. ‘In case I have to remind you.’

  ‘You don’t have to remind me,’ she mumbled, as she spat the white foam into the sink, rinsed with mouthwash and sprayed some more perfume under the collar of her loose shirt and over her bra. ‘And give over, Elle. He is Michael’s dad and we’re here to celebrate Emma’s big day, don’t forget, not go speed-dating.’

  ‘I know that, but there’s no harm in making the best of yourself, especially with Gil around.’

  Vivienne tutted at her friend’s insistence, deciding not to adm
it to the frisson of joy she’d felt earlier, from simply being close to him. Plus, right now, her primary concern was to try and understand how things lay between Michael and Emma. She did, however, concede about her appearance. She dotted plum-coloured lipstick over her lips, and then pressed off the excess on some loo roll. She smiled at the turquoise beads that Ellen had looped over her neck and had to admit that they did indeed give her whole outfit a lift. ‘Right, I’m all set for the red carpet!’ She giggled.

  *

  Emma was positively glowing as she offered the tray of champagne cocktails round to each of them. ‘I love you, Mum. I keep forgetting you’re here and when I see you, it’s like getting this big burst of happiness that fills me right up!’ She burbled away enthusiastically, as her mum took the tall slippery glass between her palms.

  ‘Well, I love you too.’ She smiled.

  Ellen sipped hers quickly. ‘This is the life, eh, Viv?’ she said and made her way to the terrace, where she plonked down on the wicker sofa to take in the early evening view.

  Michael appeared, looking lovely, spruced up and freshly showered. Gil wasn’t far behind him. Their arrival suggested they’d been in cahoots elsewhere in the house. Vivienne noted the swivel of Gil’s eyes, the way he appraised her and smiled before taking a drink from Emma. Then he blushed slightly, as if he’d been caught.

  ‘Careful, Dad, you oldies don’t want to be mixing your drinks this early on of an evening – I’ll be wheeling you to bed before eight at this rate.’ Michael chuckled as Emma swanned past and kissed him on the cheek. He ran his hand along her bare arm. To witness this simple act made Vivienne happy. Maybe Gil was right, she needed to have more faith.

  ‘Less of the “old”, thanks, Michael. Trust me, son, you’ll blink and it’ll be you getting ribbed by your cocky offspring.’