by Sarah Thorn
She thought back at the events that lead her to this. They made her so angry. She was determined to give her father an earful during the drive. Or could she really call it a drive. A horse and a buggy can drive right? Sarah couldn’t even believe what was going through her mind. As she got ready to leave, she picked out the most plain clothes that she could so she would look like the rest of the Amish. She looked at herself in the mirror. At the age of sixteen, Sarah was old enough to know that she was attractive and desired by guys. It is what made her popular at school. But would Amish guys care about stuff like that? Weren’t they just interested in a person’s character? The thought of her appearance not being important made her cringe.
“Honey, are you ready, we have to leave now if are to get there before dark,” yelled Sarah’s father.
“I will be right down,” she said. Sarah took one last look at her room. She feared that she would never see it again. “Alright I am coming.” She looked at her father and laughed to herself. He was wearing the most drab and plain garments that she had ever seen. This is going to be an absolute joke.
“Do you have your Bible?” Asked Sarah’s father. His name was now Jacob. It was formally Lance. But Lance was much too cool of a name. It promoted vanity.
“No I don’t have my Bible, I don’t even know where it is,” replied Sarah. She couldn’t remember the last time she had read it.
“Well you know that you have to carry your Bible around. At least I think that’s what they do. Remember these people are very somber and super religious,” explained Jacob.
Sarah had always hated religion. It wasn’t that she hated God so much. She would talk to him on occasion. If he existed that is. But she hated the hypocrisy within religious circles. Thou shalt not commit adultery says the pastor as he is thinking about his many affairs. “I know, I am well prepared to put on a false facade that will make the Amish like me. I can pretend, father. I am a good fake.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” said her father under his breath.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, I am just...nevermind. This is going to be a big adjustment for everybody,” said Jacob, as he was clearly frustrated.
Sarah was angry. “Yes it is, and we wouldn’t have to be making this adjustment if it weren’t for you.” She had planned to speak her mind. If she regretted it later so be it. She would regret not speaking her mind more.
“And you don’t think I feel bad about it?” Her father looked like he was about to explode in anger and frustration, but then restrained himself. “We can talk on the way there, let’s go.”
Sarah had never been in a buggy before, and she was determined from the get go to hate it. But now that they were under way she realized that her fears were all founded in truth. It really was horrible. It was slow and bumpy and pulled by a horse that stunk. “Do you even know how to drive a buggy?” She asked her father.
“Do I know how to drive a buggy? Of course, I learned in auto shop in high school,” he replied sarcastically. “I don’t know anything about buggies other than a quick video I watched on them. I am just winging it.”
“Just like you do everything else,” said Sarah.
“Sarah, are you ever going to forgive me?” He thought probably not. What he had done was hardly forgivable.
“You killed mom, dad. I don’t see how you expect me to ever see you in the same light again.” Sarah turned her face from him. The images played through her mind, even though she didn’t want them to.
“I hate it when you put it like that. You know I didn’t kill her. I would never do that. I loved her more than you know.” Jacob didn’t know what else to say. He knew that the guilt would never go away, even if he knew he didn’t mean for his wife to die.
“What did you expect your life decisions to lead to, dad. You are an alcoholic and a lazy bum. I can’t even remember the last time that you had a steady job. Mom had to do everything and she worked so hard to support us. And now that she is gone we have nothing, and it is all because of you,” Said Sarah, practically screaming at her father.
“I quite drinking Sarah, how many times do I have to tell you that.”
“A lifelong alcoholic who quit drinking a few weeks ago is not a changed man.” You are just living in your same delusion that you always do. You are always different today, always going to get a better job. You always promise a better life for us and to treat us better. Well now we are going to live with people that get excited for midnight barn raisings. Are you happy now that we have hit rock bottom. There is no place else for you to drag us. At least mom escaped this hell that you have created.” Sarah was now in tears. She said most of what she wanted. It felt good to get it off her chest, but also terrible at the same time. Though part of her did hate her father, part of her still loved him.
There was a long silence after Sarah said those words. Jacob was too hurt to reply. He thought about his life, something he didn’t do enough probably. He had let his family down, he was fully aware. But his wife’s death was not his fault. She was the only good thing he had in his life. Why would he want something bad to happen to her. But the night she died he was hammered drunk, as was typical. Had he been sober he would have been able to stop the assailant. At least that’s what he told himself. But he was drunk, and could do nothing to help his wife. Maybe had he been sober, the assailant would have killed him too. There was no way to know, but the thoughts haunted him. He would rather have died trying to protect her.
“Do you even know how much farther we have to go,” asked Sarah, breaking the silence.
“I believe we are only about twenty or so minutes out,” replied her father. They had exited the limits of their town and were now in rolling hills. They were not really on a road. Semi organized gravel was more like it. This made the ride very bumpy. Sarah hated it.
“Well I hope we get there soon, I feel like I am going to get sick. Where did you get this thing anyway?” She asked.
“You will be surprised what you can find online. It was pretty cheap, which is probably why it is such an awful ride. I wanted to try to look like anybody else though. Rolling up in a car would not exactly be welcome. We are just lucky that your mother had a connection here. If she didn’t, we would be on the streets or something pretty bad.
“Ya well look at that, mom is still taking care of us after she is gone and you can’t even do that while you are still here.” Sarah still had more pent up vitriol.
“I am doing the best that I can to take care of us now,” said her father. He was confident that he actually meant it this time. He really did want to change. But the only changes he had ever seen in his life were for the worst. It was as if his life had been in a tailspin for as long as he could remember and there was no way he could stop the negative inertia that plunged him deeper and deeper into places he didn’t want to be. “We have a place to stay, be thankful for that.”
“Oh I can’t wait to see it,” replied Sarah sarcastically. When they crested the next hill, her wish was granted.
The sun was setting on the quaint town of only a few thousand. It was mostly farmland with barns scattered here and there and trees and rivers and a few lakes. The houses that she could see looked very primitive and devoid of any luxuries that she was accustomed to. She fingered the earbuds in her pocket, the last vestige of her previous life. But the batteries would run out soon, and that would be the end. She was determined to only use them for special occasions.
“Well here we are,” said father, as they pulled up to one of the houses. “This is our new home. It is actually one of the nicer ones here, and the family we are staying with are very good friends with the reverend. And in a town like this, the reverend is king.”
Sarah got out of the buggy and was pleased to see that the house was not falling apart. It actually looked to be very well maintained, if not plain. But plain, she would find, is the way of life for these people.
*****
“Welcome, you must be Jac
ob and Sarah,” said a middle aged man. “My name is Isaiah, you are our guests. Come, we have a meal prepared for you.”
Jacob and Sarah went inside. The house could not have been less adorned, but at the same time it had a certain charm to it. Sarah couldn’t quite put her finger on on what it was.
“I have prepared my favorite dish,” said Isaiah’s wife. “It is roast duck with a hint of cherry flavoring.”
“I thought you people didn’t believe in flavoring anything,” said Sarah.
There was brief silence at the awkwardness and rudeness of the question. Her father gave her a scowl.
“Actually, we believe that life should be full of flavor. We just have different tastes than a lot of people,” she said with grace and kindness. Sarah was caught off guard that she didn’t take more offense.
“I should have introduced my wife earlier,” said Isaiah. “This is Rebekah. She is the most industrious wife a man could ever have and for that I feel very blessed.” Isaiah looked around and then yelled out the window. “Ezekiel you can finish up with your chores later, we have guests over...Ezekiel is my son,” he explained.
Ezekiel walked in just moments later. He looked to be in his late teens. Sarah thought that he was a very good looking young man. Too bad he is Amish, she thought to herself. Everyone sat at the table and Isaiah led them in prayer.
“Great father in heaven, we thank you for the gifts that you have bestowed upon us. It is not by our hands that we are so blessed, but by Yours Father. We thank you for our guests, and that they had safe travels here this evening. We pray Father that they will feel comfortable here and that we will be able to serve them to the best of our abilities. In your name, we pray.” Everyone said ‘Amen’ except for Sarah. She wasn’t going to have anything to do with this religion stuff. Not after what had happened to her mother. If there was a God that actually cared for her, why would he have let so many bad things happen to her?
“This is really good,” said her father.
“We are really blessed,” replied Rebekah, unwilling to take credit for it. Sarah had to agree, though. The meal was incredible. The duck was juicy and the cherry flavoring added to it in a way that she had never imagined food tasting before. The potatoes were also delicious. Well they eat all organic, right. It shouldn’t be a surprise their food tastes good.
After they finished supper, Isaiah showed Sarah and her father to their room. It was a single room that they would have to share. At least there were two beds. Wow we are definitely going to be spending a lot of time together.
“Thank you so much for taking us,” her father said to Jacob.
“It is our pleasure. What would life be without guests. Furthermore, your wife was quite a wonderful lady and we are honored to help her out any way that we can. She is with the Lord now, and I know this is what she would want,” replied Isaiah. He then left to go help with cleaning up the kitchen, leaving Sarah and her dad by themselves.
“Well this place isn’t so bad,” said Sarah’s father. He wanted to make Sarah feel better. He could tell that she was not enjoying herself so far.
“Dad, this place couldn’t be any worse. Well except for the food was pretty good.” She got into her bed. It was hard and stiff and not anything like she grew to expect in a bed. How could anyone get a good night’s sleep in one of these things. It was also cold, but the covers were surprisingly warm.
“Well what about Ezekiel. Did you think that he was cute,” asked her father. He knew that she would be embarrassed by the question.
“Why would you ask that. You know I don’t like talking about boys. He is just another one of these weird people and I want nothing to do with him. I am going to sleep, goodnight.” Sarah grabbed her earbuds and put them on. She figured that since she had never felt so miserable in her life, that this was a special enough of an occasion to use them. She listened to her favorite songs, the ones that her mother used to sing to her when she was little. Her favorite was a hymn. What was it called? Oh ya. “Amazing Grace.” I soothed her, and reminded of her when she was younger and still had hope for the world.
*****
When Sarah woke up the next morning, her father was already gone. At her age, there was no such thing as being a morning person. She stumbled to the bathroom, but when she got there, she noticed that there was no mirror. How am I supposed to see what I look like? When she came out, she noticed the smell of breakfast, and unsurprisingly, it was wonderful.
“How did you sleep, Sarah,” asked Rebekah.
Sarah remembered how hard the bed was and how poorly she thought she would sleep. But she stretched her arms out and realized that she didn’t feel bad at all. “You know, I feel alright.”
They enjoyed breakfast together, the five of them. Sarah still didn’t accept that this was her new reality. Ezekiel seemed so content as he ate his food and talked about the chores he was going to get done that day. He talked about it as if there was nothing in the world that he could possibly want that would make his life any better. Sarah knew he must be faking his joy. These Amish must just put up a false front of happiness.
“After breakfast, we all have chores that we do,” said Isaiah. “Each day’s work is not too hard if one commits himself fully to work unto the Lord. Jacob, you can work with me out on the barn. We are trying to have it ready by winter. And Sarah, you can work with Ezekiel out in the fields. The berries need to be picked as soon as possible. If you guys finish there, you can milk the cows.”
Sarah wondered how her father would manage doing any work. It was not something he had done as long as she could remember. Ezekiel got up.
“Come on Sarah, follow me,” he said.
Sarah realized that she had to do work as well. Outside the sun was just cresting over the hills and beginning to shine off of the few clouds that were in the sky. Sarah breathed in deeply and appreciated how fresh the air was. Well they have good food and good air. Maybe this place has a few redeeming qualities.
“So Sarah, how are you acclimating so far?” Asked Ezekiel.
Sarah realized that she had not yet spoken to him. “Pretty well I suppose, it is very different than what I am used to.”
“That is what everyone from the outside says when they come here,” he said. His voice was cheerful and optimistic.
“Really,” Sarah was surprised. “Do people from the outside come here often. I mean I thought you guys were pretty isolated.
“Oh there is certainly a sense in which we are isolated,” explained Ezekiel. “But visitors do come here from time to time and they enjoy learning about us. We are used to it really.”
“But don’t you envy them when they tell you how great life is outside of here,” asked Sarah.
Ezekiel shook his head. “Haven’t you ever heard of rumspringa?”
“No, I never have.”
“Rumspringa is when the young Amish, usually between the ages of 14 and 16 are allowed to experience the outside world for themselves. They then have the choice of staying or coming back and being baptized into the church.”
“Really, and so don’t most just leave and never come back,” asked Sarah, sure that he would say yes.
“Not at all, almost everyone returns. In fact, rumspringa is mainly to show us how good we have it here. I think that in time you will learn to appreciate the world we have created here.”
“I doubt it.”
“And how could you be so sure,” asked Ezekiel as he stopped. Sarah stopped too.
“Because it is not as fun here, that is why,” she thought it was so obvious, especially to anyone that had experienced both living here and living in the real world. She didn’t understand what Ezekiel saw in this place. “There is no television here, there are no videogames, or music blaring in your room. You don’t have air conditioning or cars or anything that makes life worth living.”
“Oh and that is what you think makes life worth living?” Ezekiel shook his head slowly, frowning. “Sarah, I think that soon you will come
to understand my perspective. But it is not something I can explain to you right now. It is something that you must experience.”
Sarah had no idea what he could be talking about. They began walking again.
“Just over here,” said Ezekiel. “We just need to pick these berries that you see. It is really as simple as that. With the two of us it will go much faster.”
At first they picked berries without talking. Sarah found the silence to be refreshing at first but then thought it was awkward. Who is so comfortable alone in silence?
She looked around to find Ezekiel. He was behind one of the bushes. he was humming to himself. She recognized the tune as one that her mother had sang to her when she was young. It was a hymn, it was “Amazing Grace.” He looked so content to be by himself and lost in his own thoughts. And his thoughts didn’t seem to torture him or consume him, but rather to uplift him. But what does he know. He has never experienced real tragedy in his life.
She was beginning to tire of picking the berries. Ezekiel came over.
“Are you ready for a short lunch break?” He asked
“I didn’t know that you people take breaks. I thought that you gained some kind of power from working so hard,” she said sarcastically.
Ezekiel laughed, “we take plenty of breaks. It is good for the body to rest after doing work. It is God’s way. You do know that he rested on the 7th day right?”
Sarah nodded, “but what does that have to do with anything?”
“He set a precedent,” explained Ezekiel. “He was telling us that rest is ok. And what’s more he was telling us that the 7th day is sacred. That is why one day a week we rest and just enjoy fellowship and our time worshipping the Lord. But that is enough of a Bible lesson. Eat up, take a breather.”
Sarah could not believe what she had gotten herself into. Ezekiel was a good enough looking guy, but he was a total square. Where is the fun in his lifestyle. he worked, and then he rested, and it was all scheduled out. There was no spontaneity. Oh well. Sarah did enjoy the lunch though, as she expected. It was corn bread with jam. She also ate some of the berries that they had picked. They were extremely good.
