by Sarah Thorn
After lunch they picked berries for a few more hours. They didn’t do much talking, because Ezekiel seemed focused on what he was doing and content to hum in his head some crazy worship tune. “Alright, I think that is enough for today, let’s walk back and check on the cows,” he said.
Finally, thought Sarah. They started back, but to what? More work. Sarah was already dead tired and couldn’t imagine milking cows for hours. Don’t farmers have machines to do that? She then thought that the real reason for every invention was to increase laziness. She laughed to herself. Maybe it wasn’t true, but the thought was funny.
“Do you know how to milk a cow?” Asked Ezekiel.
Sarah gave him a look that she thought couldn’t be misinterpreted in any culture. “No Ezekiel, I don’t know how to milk a cow. I know how to buy milk at the supermarket though.”
Ezekiel smiled, taking no offense. “Okay, it is really simple…” He showed her the proper technique and they ended up finishing in no time at all.
“Okay that was quick, you are a really big help,” he said. “having an extra worker really makes a big difference. The next thing we are going to do is feed the chickens.”
“And I’m sure you have free range chickens,” said Sarah.
“Actually we do. I saw your chicken eggs that you eat on my rumspringa and even tasted some of them. Trust me, the ones we have here are much better. I could tell that you enjoyed them during breakfast this morning.”
“You know, for once I can’t disagree with you,” said Sarah. “Okay, show me how to feed these chickens.”
Ezekiel showed here how to spread the feed on the ground and how much to use. “It is really not much harder than that.”
“Okay now what,” asked Sarah.
“Look at you Sarah, anxious to get started on the next chore. I knew that you would come along.” Ezekiel was Amish but he still had a sense of humor. “Actually, that is it for right now. We finished early and were able to accomplish more than we needed. We can just go back now and see if mama needs any help inside the kitchen.”
“Why do you call her ‘mama,’” asked Sarah.
“Well we have a few different ways of saying things here. For the most part we talk the way that you do, and especially when you are around. We don’t want to confuse you. But, for example, we call God, Gott, sometimes. You will get used to it Sarah.” Everything he said was with a smile.
The walk back to the house was not too far, but Sarah’s feet were beginning to hurt. She didn’t understand how they could do so much every single day without breaking down. Where were the lazy Saturday morning cartoons, or the sleeping in on a snow day or just blowing off a school assignment because you can. Sarah thought that Ezekiel must take pride in everything that he does. What a loser, she thought to herself. But that was a term for someone back home that wasn’t popular. Ezekiel was handsome and well liked and industrious and nice. Sarah was beginning to realize that the world she was living in was really completely different than anything she had ever experienced before.
“So Sarah. I heard that you had a tragedy in the family, and that is why you have come here to live with us. I don’t mean to pry, but I wanted to let you know that I am here for you if you ever need to talk about it,” said Ezekiel as they were walking back.
Sarah realized that it would be nice to talk to someone other than her dad about it. “You know, I am going to be staying here for a long time probably. We will have many times to talk about it I am sure. And I do appreciate that, Ezekiel.” Sarah fought within herself not to confide all of her thoughts to him right there. “But all that I want to tell you right now is that I had a wonderful mother once. The best, most loving mother in the whole world. A lot like yours, I think. And now she is gone.” Sarah stopped in her tracks as she was full sadness, she looked into the distance. Even saying as little as she had made a profound impact on her.
Ezekiel just put his arm around her. Sarah expected some lecture on the Bible about how suffering is good for us. But she got none of that. All she got was comfort. She felt that he actually cared for her in the midst of her pain. That was more than she could say about most. Well even if this place stinks, at least there are people that seem genuine.
They got back and helped Rebekah with the chores in the kitchen. They had fruit to preserve and butter to churn. They worked on some pies and other desserts. Her father and Isaiah returned before sun down and they helped finish up the last of the chores. The men then left the kitchen and Sarah followed. “Stay here and help me make dinner,” said Rebekah. Sarah stopped.
“Okay, but everyone else left.” Sarah was puzzled. It was not that she didn’t want to help but she was curious why it had to be her.
“In this house everyone has their roles.” Explained Rebekah. “Trust me, it is better this way. You don’t want to eat anything Isaiah makes.” Sarah laughed.
“But I don’t know much about cooking,” said Sarah.
“I will teach,” assured Rebekah. “The most important thing to remember is to have fun with any of the work that you do. Work is for our benefit. God could of had us just lay in the fields all day, but He knew that work is better. It gives us a sense of accomplishment. That is a joy that once you discover it, it is simply the best there is. Especially when you make something really delicious that makes the men cry for joy. I don’t mean that metaphorically mind you. After a hard day of work Isaiah appreciates my food more than you can imagine. Now that makes a wife happy,” explained Rebekah.
Sarah nodded in understanding. As much as she thought everything was backwards and outdated here, there was something to it. It was that charm that she felt earlier. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but she felt it again. Sarah helped with what she could and tried to learn as much as possible. It didn’t take too long, as Rebekah was a very fast cook.
“Tonight, with the help of my new assistant, I have prepared us pork and corn on the cob,” said Rebekah as she presented the food to the boys.
“Will you say the pray for us tonight,” asked Isaiah.
“Of course, papa.” Ezekiel looked grateful for the honor. “Heavenly father, again we come before you tonight in awe of your loving kindness and faithfulness towards us. It has been such a blessing have more help with our chores today. You always give so much more abundantly than we could ever ask for. In your name we pray, Amen.”
Everyone said ‘Amen,’ even Sarah this time. The food was as good as Sarah had come to expect. But good in it’s own unique way, that made it stand out from anything else she had ever had. The house was warm from the fire that had been prepared and felt particularly good because it created a delightful contrast to the cold outside. Sarah realized that she was beginning to appreciate certain aspects of her new life. She killed the thoughts as soon as they crept in, however. She didn’t want to be seen enjoying herself.
After supper they went to their separate rooms. “Did you enjoy yourself today,” asked her father.
Sarah didn’t want to sound too upbeat about anything. After all, she did work all day in the sun and barely had any chance to do anything fun. But, for some reason, she hadn’t hated it as much as she thought that she might. “It was okay, dad, or should I say Jacob,” she said jokingly. It was the first joke she had made with her father in a long time. “How was your day working on the barn with Isaiah?”
Her father smiled slightly. “You know, it was more than okay. I don’t remember the last time I had worked with my hands for so many hours. It was hard work, but it felt good to accomplish something. Isaiah talked to me a lot about God too. It was really inspiring. It is good for us that we are here, Sarah. I know you don’t believe that yet, but I think that everything happens for a reason. Isaiah explained that to me.”
“So you are saying that mother died for a reason. That her death was all a part of God’s good plan?” Sarah was again angry with her father. Why did he have to say that. Couldn’t he just accept that he was a loser and wallow in the misery
of his own failure?
“I am not saying that Sarah. What I am saying is that God can work out for good anything that happens, including your mother’s death. We need to trust God,” said her father. He was surprised at what he was saying.
“Trust God? Since when do you trust God? I don’t remember the last time I have ever seen you read the Bible or pray,” said Sarah. She was very angry again.
Jacob tried to think of a way to fix the situation. “Well why don’t we pray right now, together. I know that I haven’t been the best father, but why can’t we change things now?”
“We can’t change things, because mother can’t change things. She is gone.” Sarah got into bed and pulled the covers over her. She didn’t want to talk any more.
“That is a part of life, Sarah. I know you don’t want to accept it, and you want to blame me for it. But life is not as easy as you want it to be. I don’t know why, but God has a plan. We just have to trust him.” Jacob trailed off as he was now in bed and clearly exhausted from the long day. Neither of them were used to the long Amish work days yet.
Trust God? How could I trust a God that let my mother die? Sarah pondered these questions as she lay in bed. She wondered why Ezekiel seemed so happy all of the time. She wondered why his whole family was happy. It must be a facade. Soon she would see their true nature. But part of her suspected that they may actually truly be happy. And that thought scared her more than anything.
*****
The next day Sarah awoke to much the same routine. Her father was already gone and breakfast was already ready. It tasted amazing as was expected. But after breakfast they did something different. The whole family, everyone including herz, gathered into the corner of the main living room and sang hymns. Sarah had not sung since she was a little girl and tried just to blend in by mouthing the words. Isaiah and Ezekiel took turns leading in front, but for the most part everyone just sang as a group, without instruments. It was uplifting and as much as Sarah hated to admit, she felt ready to take on the chores of the day. What is it about this place?
“That was wonderful and such a delight to my soul,” said Isaiah. “The plan today is similar to yesterday. The berries should be finished up in just a few more hours, and Ezekiel and Sarah can work on that together again. I can’t thank you guys enough for the work you did yesterday. Jacob and I will continue to work on the barn. Now let’s get going and serve the Lord with joyful hearts today.”
As they departed, Sarah admitted to herself that she was buying into the way of life here a little bit. But she was still nagged by the seeming paradox of God. How is it that He could seem so wonderful and caring when they sang songs and talked to Him in prayer, but then the next minute he is allowing her mother to die, or for suffering in general. Sarah knew that she was still a long way off from having any kind of healing faith in God. If she was powerful enough to stop her mother from dying, she knew should would have. So why didn’t God? She remembered that her father had talked at length about God with Isaiah and came away with a different perspective. She wondered if Ezekiel had any enlightening thoughts.
“Ezekiel, can I ask you a few questions,” she said as they were talking to the berry field.
“Of course,” he responded. She knew that he would be delighted to help her in any way that he could.
“How do you still have faith in God when you see the horrible things that happen in this world. I mean he allowed my mother to die. And I’m sure that you know plenty of people that have died. It just seems like things happen at random. Or even that God is evil and enjoys tormenting people. I just don’t see his lovingkindness like we sing and talk about. I look around and I see pain.” Sarah realized that she confessed secrets about how she felt to Ezekiel that she had not shared with anyone else. How was it that he had gained enough of her confidence in one day to warrant this?
“You ask difficult questions,” said Ezekiel. He stopped walking and thought deeply. “But I cannot give you all of the answers that you seek, but I can help you find the way. Tell me Sarah, do you know the Gospel?”
Sarah nodded. She had heard it preached when she was younger, but she was a bit hazy on the details.
“Well think of it this way. God, being aware of our sufferings here on earth sent his own Son to suffer with us and die with the worst of criminals. That is what the gospels say. So you see, whatever reason God has for allowing suffering in this world, it can’t be that He simply doesn’t care. You can believe what you want about our God, but you can’t say he is indifferent to us.”
As much as Sarah wanted to think that what Ezekiel just said was garbage and sentimental nonsense, she couldn’t deny that it resonated with her. God is not just sitting on his throne in the heavens and watching gleefully as we suffer. He has partaken in the suffering. The stories from when she was a kid came flooding back to her The manger, the wise men, the angels, and many more. She remembered her mother telling her those beautiful stories when she was barely able to comprehend them. But somehow they stuck deep in her mind.
“Does that make sense Sarah…”
“Oh...yes…actually it does.” She was caught off guard as she had been lost in deep thought. “Actually it makes perfect sense, and in a way makes sense of everything. But it is still hard. You are saying that you just rely on faith. Because you never gave me an answer, you just said there must be a good reason.”
“Yes, Sarah, faith. And that is hard to explain. But tomorrow I am going to try and show you.” He said. “It will be fun, trust me.”
“Trust you, what is it?”
“Ah, but you must have faith in me,” replied Ezekiel with a wink and a laugh.
Sarah laughed too. There was a certain undefinable charm about him. She watched as he worked but this time she knew what to expect. She knew that he would hum glorious and uplifting tunes to himself and seem to smile and laugh the entire time he worked. It was if he was in constant communication with God and he was continually being filled with enthusiasm for life. Sarah tried to think joyful thoughts. But as much as she was beginning to learn about how Ezekiel saw the world, her thoughts of God and joy were drowned out by the pain of her loss. She continued working to take her mind off it.
After they finished work for the day, they went back as they had the day before. They enjoyed another great meal together. This time it was goose. It was delicious. Sarah was so exhausted after two straight days of working hard doing chores that she could barely bring herself to talk at the dinner table of after. She went to her bedroom as quickly as she could.
“I am sure that you learned some more life lessons from Isaiah today,” said Sarah to her father.
“Sarah, I have learned a lot in just the two days that I have been here. I honestly feel different about how I see life. It is hard to explain, but it is real. Sarah I want us to reconcile. I need to hear that you forgive me. It will ease my suffering and my guilt. Could you please offer that to me?”
Sarah felt a desire in her to forgive him for all he had done to her in the past. For some reason it nagged at her and she wanted to hug her father and reconcile with him. It wasn’t right for a daughter to hate her father so much. Maybe the hatred was cooling off. Maybe now she simply didn’t like him. But she still could not bring herself to forgive him.
“I want to believe you, dad. I really do. But you have let me down far too many times. You forgive a person for spilling their drink on you, but not for this. I am sorry I cannot give you what you seek.” Sarah got into bed. She felt the weight of her sorrow and sadness consume her. It was as if she could not escape it, it stifled her.
She remembered what Ezekiel had said about faith, and wanting to show her. But she still didn’t know what he meant, and she was too tired to be able to care very much. She drifted off to sleep imagining her mother and what if felt like to be loved by her.
*****
“Sarah, get up, get up.”
“What, what is going on? Ezekiel, What are you doing here?”
&nb
sp; Ezekiel whispered, “remember I had something to show you? Well now is the time. We must be quick though.”
Sarah got out of bed as fast as she could without being loud. She saw that her father was still there sleeping and didn’t want to wake him. “What time is it?”
“It is early, but not that early. We don’t have a lot of time,” he said. He grabbed her hand and led her out of the room and out the front door. It was very cold. “Here, put this on.” Ezekiel put his coat around Sarah. It fit surprisingly well. And smelled good.
“Where are we going,” demanded Sarah as she didn’t want to be out in the cold if she had no clue what was going on.
“You have to have faith in me, Sarah,” explained Ezekiel. “Now follow me.” Ezekiel began to run. he was faster than Sarah expected him to be. For where did an Amish boy learn to run fast. Ezekiel never ran track in high school or played football. But he could run. And Sarah struggled to keep up. They entered into the woods and the starlight and moonlight no longer illuminated their path. “hold my hand, Sarah.” Isaiah lead her through the trees. He moved deftly and without hesitation. He had done this many times before.
“Are you going to tell me where we are going yet,” asked Sarah. “I think I have trusted you quite a bit already and you owe me something.”
Ezekiel stopped. “Listen,” he said. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what,” asked Sarah.
“The crickets, the frogs, the trees rustling in the wind. Close your eyes, Sarah. It is a chorus. The soundtrack of the night. This is a gift that God has given us. You said earlier that we do not have music. But yes we do. And I would say that this music given to us directly by the Lord above is better than anything that you have in heard in your earbuds.” Ezekiel seemed to be transfixed by the sounds.
