Starting Over

by Cheryl Douglas

  Her hair was falling over her shoulders, covering her breasts, and he gently brushed it aside. Was he a fool to think making love could solve their problems? More than anything, he wanted to feel like her husband again. He wanted to remind her what it felt like when she gave herself to him completely.

  She watched his fingertips trail over her breasts, and her breath hitched when they skimmed her nipple. “What are you doing?”

  “I want to show you how much I love you.” He hadn’t worn a shirt to bed—just draw-string pajama bottoms that made it evident how much he wanted her. “How much I need you.” He greedily drank in the sweet perfume he would forever associate with her. That may be the last time he got close enough to appreciate it.

  “Don’t do this,” she said, flattening her palms on his bare shoulders. “This won’t solve anything.”

  Pretending he hadn’t heard her, he whispered, “The first time I saw you”—he swept his lips over her collarbone—“I knew I was going to marry you someday.”

  “Alex…” She tipped her head back as she dipped her short nails into his flesh.

  He could tell she was surrendering to the passion building between them, and while he knew his tactics could backfire, he was too far gone to allow doubt to intervene. Slipping the thin straps over her shoulders, he dropped moist kisses up and down her neck. “I knew you were exactly what I needed.” Every day since, she’d surprised him with her intelligence, sense of humor, passion, and enthusiasm. If she left him, no other woman could take her place. She would leave a void in his life that nothing and no one could ever fill.

  She let him guide her back on the bed, her eyes locking with his as she whispered, “What are we doing?”

  “I know you’ve been through hell today.” Tiny white pearl buttons ran down the front of her gown, and his eyes never left hers as he slowly unbuttoned them. “You lost someone who meant everything to you. I can’t lose you, Eve.” His voice was hoarse as he dropped his head. “I don’t know how the hell to go on without you.”

  Threading her fingers through his dark hair, she brought his face up to meet hers. “You don’t need me. You’ve never needed me.”

  “You’re so wrong. Everything I do is for you, baby. Don’t you know that?” He hated that he’d given her reason to feel that way. He knew he’d spend every second of the rest of his life proving her wrong. She was the only thing he needed. Without her, the rest of it didn’t matter. He’d told her a hundred times he was working so hard to secure their future, but he knew she didn’t buy it. She didn’t care about material things. She’d always claimed he was the only thing she needed to make her happy. Maybe if he’d listened instead of brushing her off, they wouldn’t be desperately trying to hold on to each other.

  “I just wanted a partner, a husband…” she whispered, letting her tears fall on his shoulder. “I didn’t need a martyr or a hero. I didn’t want someone willing to sacrifice his own happiness to give me everything he thought I wanted. I tried telling you that so many times, but you refused to hear me.”

  He couldn’t deny she was right. He’d told himself he was working so hard so he could buy Eve her dream home, the top of the line Mercedes for her birthday, expensive jewelry at Christmas… yet the more money he made, the less fulfilled he felt and the further he and his wife grew apart. “I’m hearing you now.” He inched back to look her in the eye. “I need to know it’s not too late to make things right. Please, just tell me it’s not too late.”

  ***

  As she looked up into his piercing gray eyes, Eve knew she should tell Alex it was too late to try again, but his obvious anguish made her reach for him and pull him closer.

  “I love you,” he breathed as his mouth came down on hers. His kiss was hard and demanding, almost fierce, until she slowed the kiss. She was intent on savoring every second, knowing full well it could be their last time together. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you too,” she whispered as her body yielded to the power of his feelings for her. In that moment, she believed he still loved her, and she wanted to believe that would be enough for them to forge a new path.

  “Let me show you how much you mean to me,” he said, peeling her nightgown apart and letting it fall away. He looked at her as though he’d never seen her before. He admired her in a way that made her feel beautiful, and she gave in to hope. He was the man who would always possess her heart, whether or not he wore her wedding ring.

  “Show me.”

  Those two little words unleashed something in him as though he’d been waiting for an invitation. He swirled his tongue around her nipples until she cried out and arched into his mouth, pleading for more. She was vaguely aware of the fact that guests were on either side of their room, but she couldn’t control her reaction. It had been so long, too long…

  He continued the delicious torment, stoking her fire with his hands and mouth as though he couldn’t get enough of her. Trying to conceive had turned sex into a chore, but Eve remembered how masterful her husband was at turning her on. With every stroke of his fingers, slide of his tongue, and whisper of love, he slowly erased the bad memories and reminded her why she’d fallen in love with him in the first place. He was like no one she’d ever known. In and out of bed, the man was a sinfully sexy force of nature.

  “I love when you do that… just let go for me.”

  Eve knew that’s exactly what she’d done. She’d demanded silence from the voices in her head insisting it was a terrible idea and ceded to her baser instincts by letting her husband manipulate her body. With his name on her lips and her body still trembling from the force of the first orgasm she’d had in months, she closed her eyes as he slid home. Home. That’s what it felt like when he was inside of her. They were home, exactly where they belonged. If only they could hold on to that feeling forever.

  “Oh God, Eve…” His hard biceps bulged as he supported his weight over her. “It’s been so long.”

  Eve silently sighed with relief when she saw the truth in his eyes. She was ashamed to admit that she’d questioned his fidelity when his excuses became more frequent. When he looked at her that way, she knew his heart still belonged to her, and as long as it did, his conscience wouldn’t let him share his body with another woman.

  “Too long.” She inhaled sharply when he thrust his hips, making her remember what she’d almost allowed herself to forget—her man was an unbelievable lover. She got lost in his ministrations as he managed to relegate the worst day of her life to the back of her mind. His kisses were in sync with his body, heightening her arousal to mind-blowing proportions. Her entire body felt like a charged current, waiting to explode. “Alex…”

  “I love that,” he said, grinning against her neck as he increased the tempo. “I love the way you say my name when you’re getting ready to come for me.”

  She said his name again and again and again as he took her to places she’d never been. When he finally exploded inside of her, she wondered if every guest on their floor heard their cries.

  “Wow,” he panted, laughing softly.

  Not knowing what to say or how to say it, she just buried her head in his neck, hoping he wouldn’t ask for answers she couldn’t give… like whether he’d changed her decision or what the future held for them.

  ***

  Alex wanted that feeling to last forever, but he knew only words of reassurance would give him peace of mind. Holding her close, he rolled onto his back, taking her with him. Her silky hair blanketed his chest, reminding him of a time before complicated business mergers fought for his attention.

  “I needed this,” he said, kissing her damp forehead. “I needed you to put my mind at ease.” His heart beat wildly when she didn’t respond. Instead of hiding behind silence, he decided to lay it all on the line. “I almost believed you when you said you wanted out of this marriage.”

  He felt her eyelashes fluttering against his chest, but still she said nothing. She could tell him she wanted a trial separation, or
whatever the hell she chose to call it, but a woman who could give herself to him like that could never claim she didn’t want to be his wife anymore. “Tell me what I need to do to fix this, Eve. I’ll do anything, whatever it takes.” If she suggested marriage counseling, a second honeymoon, or a fertility specialist, he would be the first one on the phone to make the arrangements. No price was too steep to keep her in his life.

  “I need time,” she whispered. “So much has happened. I don’t know what to think or how to feel anymore.”

  He could give her as much time as she needed as long as they were living under the same roof, working on their marriage. He knew they could work through anything if they both committed to the process. “We don’t have to rush anything, sweetheart. I’ll help you make the arrangements for Sharon’s service, and when it’s over, we can talk to a realtor about putting this place on the market. Unless you know someone who might be interested in buying it?”

  Sharon’s only other relative was Eve’s mother and they’d had a falling out years ago, so Alex assumed Eve would inherit the inn along with Sharon’s assets. As a successful mystery writer with a career that spanned almost twenty-five years and three dozen best-selling books, he knew Sharon was a wealthy woman.

  “I can’t sell this place,” she said, sitting up and pulling the sheet tighter. “I can’t even believe you would suggest that. You know how much this inn means to me.”

  Alex got an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Sharon had told him half a dozen times that running the inn was a full-time job. How could his wife expect to be an innkeeper if she was living in another state? Unless… “Okay, what do you want to do?” Alex wasn’t in a strong position to negotiate. If she was determined to keep it, they would simply have to find a way to make it work. According to Sharon, Dan was a competent manager, but Alex would never let him work closely with Eve while they were trying to rebuild their marriage. He trusted his wife, but he knew her former boyfriend would trash-talk him the second his back was turned.

  “I need to stay here.”

  Alex took a few deep breaths, knowing his blood pressure must be dangerously high. During his last examination, his doctor had told him it was high-normal and he needed to learn to manage his stress unless he wanted to go on medication. Eve had taken Alex from terrified to elated and back to panic in the span of an hour, and he knew he needed to take control of himself before it got worse. He prayed she would tell him she just needed a few more weeks to tie up some loose ends and then she would come home. “For how long?”

  “I don’t know yet.” Bringing her knees up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs with her back facing him. “I’m still reeling from my aunt’s death. I didn’t expect to see you today, and I certainly didn’t expect this.”

  He refused to allow her to write off their intimacy as a mistake when he considered it the smartest decision he’d made in months. He placed his hand on her back, hoping to regain some of the tenderness they’d shared only moments ago. “I know it’s a lot to take in. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”

  “It’s not your fault,” she said, sighing. “You have every right to expect answers. It’s not fair to expect you to live in limbo forever. That’s not what I want either.”

  He hadn’t felt as though he’d been living in limbo because he’d never believed his marriage was in jeopardy. He knew they were going through a rough patch and feeling disconnected, but he’d never considered, even for a second, that they might be at the end of their story. “I know what I want, Eve. You. I want to be married to you. Period.” It really was that simple. He was willing to compromise, but not if it meant letting her go.

  She propped her head on her arms. “There was a time when I would have given anything to hear you say that.”

  “I’m saying it now.” He waited for some response—a smile, a sigh, anything that would give him a hint as to how she was feeling—but her beautiful face remained impassive as she looked at him. He used to be able to read her so well, but he felt as if he was looking into the lifeless eyes of a stranger he once knew. He wanted his wife back, the woman who laughed with wild abandon, loved with her whole heart, and wanted a baby with everything she had. Hoping to bridge the widening gap between them, he said, “I saw the doctor last week.”

  “You did?” she asked, looking hesitant. “What did he say?”

  She’d been asking him to go for a checkup for the past year. When they weren’t able to get pregnant right away, she’d feared one or both of them may have a problem, but Alex brushed her off. He told her they were both fine and she was worrying too much. His doctor concurred with his analysis, but he didn’t need to tell Eve that. “He said everything checks out. Except for my cholesterol and blood pressure—that was a little high, but nothing to worry about.”

  Eve frowned. “How high?”

  “One forty over ninety.” He loved that she cared enough to ask. “But honestly, it’s nothing to worry about. In terms of getting pregnant—”

  “Please, I can’t think about that now,” she said, holding her hand up to silence him.

  She’d once wanted to talk about little else. In that moment, Alex realized how much she’d changed. She wasn’t the same woman who’d walked out of their house a few months ago. “Okay, we don’t have to,” he said, trying to ignore that her dismissal hurt more than he’d have thought it would. He finally understood how she felt when he told her they would talk about having a baby when and if she finally got pregnant. “I just wanted you to know that when you’re ready, there’s no reason why we can’t have a baby. I mean, your doctor said everything was fine before you went away, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s what she said.” Sighing, Eve got out of bed and padded to the small closet to retrieve a short, white terrycloth robe. After she slipped it on, she walked toward the window and pressed her forehead to the glass. “I wanted nothing more than to have your baby, but that seems like a lifetime ago. I don’t even remember what it felt like to feel that way anymore.”

  If she’d sucker-punched him, she couldn’t have hurt him more. “Are you saying you don’t want me anymore or just that you don’t want my baby?” He knew deep down they were one and the same. Eve wanted to be a mother, and if she didn’t want a baby with him, that meant she would find someone else who wanted a family as much as she did. Staring at her in the moonlight streaming through the window, Alex couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough to take what they had for granted. He cursed himself for not taking her seriously all the times she’d talked about getting pregnant, begging him to show some interest in starting a family with her. As the love of his life, she deserved the best of him, and she’d gotten so much less than that.

  “It’s too late to go back.” She turned back to him. “I know that may not be what you want to hear, but that’s what my heart is telling me.” Wrapping her arms around her mid-section, she walked toward the bed and sat beside him. She took his hand. “You gave me some of the happiest years of my life—”

  “Don’t.” Grabbing the back of her neck, he brought her head toward his. Resting his forehead against hers, he closed his eyes. “I’ve given you every reason to give up on me, but I’m begging you… If you love me even half as much as I love you, just give me one more chance to get this right, to be the husband I should have been all along.”

  Touching his face, she said with a sad smile, “You weren’t a bad husband.”

  “We both know that’s a lie. This is all on me.” He thought about some of their conversations, her following him from room to room and trying so hard to get his attention. All she’d wanted was a few moments of his time, and he couldn’t even give her that. He didn’t have many regrets, but the way he’d treated his wife ranked highest on his list of sins.

  “I stayed. I didn’t have to.” Pulling back, she held his hand and stared at their joined hands. “Making love tonight was a mistake. I just wanted to feel better for a while, and I shouldn’t have used you that way. I�
�m so sorry.”

  Eve was the last person to put her needs above someone else’s. She had always been the selfless one in their relationship. “If I could give you a few minutes of pleasure tonight, I’m glad I was here.” His voice sounded foreign to his ears, his words hollow. That wasn’t what he wanted to say. He wanted to yell and scream and throw things and demand to know how she could give up on them when he still loved her as though his next breath depended on her. But he couldn’t guilt her into staying married to him. That wouldn’t benefit either of them.

  “I want you to go home tomorrow, Alex.”

  Closing his eyes, his mind rallied against her request. Leaving her when she needed him most felt so wrong. “I want to be here for you, to help you through this. I know how much Sharon meant to you.”

  “That’s why I need to grieve for her without the added drama of worrying about where things stand between us.”

  He couldn’t blame her for needing time alone. Even though Sharon’s death was inevitable, Alex knew a life without Sharon would seem inconceivable to Eve. The first night they’d met, Eve had glowed with pride when she talked about her larger-than-life aunt. Sharon was her idol, and he could imagine how Eve felt now that she was gone. Alex had felt the same way when his father died. His determination to honor the old man’s memory had prompted him to work so hard, to the exclusion of everything, including his marriage. He knew that wasn’t what his father would have wanted. His father had loved his family above all else, and he loved Eve. He often told Alex she was the best thing that ever happened to him.

  “I’ll leave if that’s what you want… on one condition.” He knew he was asking a lot, but he felt—given everything they’d once meant to each other—he wasn’t out of line. “Let me come back in a couple of weeks. Take some time to grieve for Sharon, try to put our relationship out of your mind if you feel that’s what you need to do, but let me come back. Maybe once you’ve had a chance to process everything, you’ll feel differently.”