by Joyce Alec
“I have come to stay for a week, with your father’s permission of course,” he told her as they walked to the dinner table together.
“I am so pleased that you are here,” Jane said heartily. “I hoped I would see you soon.”
She saw his cheeks color, and he cleared his throat, allowing her to pass through the doorway ahead of him.
He pulled out Jane’s chair for her, and the duchess insisted that he sit beside Jane. Her mother’s gaze was almost mischievous, as she watched the two of them from across the table.
“I sent your father a letter asking if I could visit, and he told me that you would be returning today from your journey,” he said as they sat down together.
Jane’s father, the Duke of Edgefield, sat at the head of the table and smiled at the two of them. “I did indeed. I was hoping that the weather would not delay either of you.”
“It is most fortunate that you are to stay with us for the rest of the week, Lord Greenshire,” the duchess said. “The weather outside looks as if we are about to have a terrible storm.”
“Well, I could not imagine more pleasant company to weather the storm with,” he said, a genuinely pleased look on his face.
Jane smiled with happiness.
“So, dear Jane, do tell us about your trip!” her mother asked, thanking the servants as they laid steaming bowls of stew down in front of them all.
“It was lovely, really. I absolutely loved my time with Lady Emmeline. We had the most wonderful time dining with families I have not seen in a long while. Her parents’ chef is from Germany, and I was introduced to some delightful dishes that I had never tasted!”
“How wonderful,” the duchess responded.
“Lady Emmeline, is she well?” Lord Greenshire asked. “I only ask for my sister has great admiration for her and asks after her often. I did not know that you that you were well acquainted with her.”
Jane laughed. “Acquainted? My Lord, she and I have been friends since we were just young children, barely able to speak.”
“Truly?”
She nodded her head.
Lord Greenshire smiled at Jane. “What a very small world. That news brings me great joy. Now I know why she interrogated me so ferociously the last time I saw her!”
“When was that?” Jane asked.
“Oh, about two weeks ago. My parents know her parents well, so we visited them for a weekend. Lady Emmaline seemed unusually intent about engaging in conversation about you.” He looked intently at Jane. It seemed he was rather amused. A smirk curled up his face.
“Oh goodness,” Jane said, lifting her goblet to her face in order to hide behind it. “I wonder why that would be.”
And the two of them laughed together.
“And what of Robert?” her mother asked a little while later.
“Yes, how is Robert?” Beatrice asked.
“And Alice!” Margaret chimed in.
“Of course. They are both quite well!” Jane looked around at them all. “They are expecting a child!”
“Oh, come now, dear, we knew that!” the duchess said.
“We got the letter before you arrived!” Margaret said.
Jane slumped. “Oh, well, it wasn’t my news to share I suppose.”
Lord Greenshire laughed. “Not the reception you were hoping for?” he teased.
Jane glared at him playfully.
“And your sister is quite well, Mother,” Jane continued. “I had the most wonderful time with them. The ball they threw was just charming. We had the most pleasant time.”
“I’m glad to hear it, dear,” the duke said. “It has been far too long since we have made the trip to see them.”
“Shall we invite them to come and visit after Christmas?” the duchess asked. “I would so love to have some company once your family leaves.”
“Of course, dear,” the duke answered.
“Who attended the ball?” Lord Greenshire asked.
Jane was suddenly nervous. Lord Greenshire knew many of the same families in her social circle. Of course he would wonder who had attended. But the last time that they had spoken of a ball, Lord Hays had come up in the conversation, and that had led them down a very uncomfortable path.
If she told him that Lord Hays had been at the ball, Lord Greenshire would not receive the news well. It might even ruin any hope she had of him proposing to her…if he still intended to at all.
Jane spoke of many of the ball’s guests. Lord Greenshire asked after many of them, and the conversation was pleasant. She felt there was not need to mention Lord Hays.
Lord Greenshire then asked, “If Lord Cheshire was there, does that mean that Lord Hays was there as well? I do know that Lord Cheshire is helping his nephew, Lord Hays, get his affairs in order.”
The dining room fell silent as he looked over at her. Jane felt Beatrice and Margaret watching her closely as well.
The duchess glanced up at Jane, and she realized she only had a moment before her slow reply would give away all of the truth she did not want to reveal.
“He was,” she replied. “I only saw him briefly. I was far too interested in my cousins’ company.”
She saw Lord Greenshire’s jaw clench as he looked down at his plate.
Jane tried to change the subject. “Mother, did I tell you that I saw Lady Henrietta?”
“Did you really? I thought she had taken ill!” the duchess responded.
Jane was thankful that her mother helped her to change the conversation. The name Lord Hays was not mentioned again at dinner.
After dinner, they retired to the sitting room. The warm fire illuminated the Christmas tree that made the room festive. Jane’s sisters were happy to sit at the pianoforte and play some of their favorite songs. The duke smoked a cigar beside the fire and clapped along, and the duchess stood at the piano and sang in a slightly off-key tone.
Lord Greenshire stood beside the window while everyone else was engaged, and Jane could not ignore it. She rose from her chair and crossed the short distance to him.
“It’s lovely out there this time of year,” she said, looking out at the fresh blanket of powdery snow that had fallen in the last few hours since dinner. “It so perfectly quiet that it just makes you wish you could stand out there, all alone, and enjoy the peace of it all.”
He looked at her, and his cold gaze softened. “I understand,” he replied eventually. “Winter may be miserable because of the cold, but at least it is beautiful.”
His eyes fixed on hers. “Just like you.”
Her breath caught in her throat. She was sure that she could fall in love with this man, and it would be effortless.
“Lady Jane,” he said, his voice soft. “If we are to…if anything is to happen…I must know something.”
Jane looked down at her hands clasped in front of herself. She took a deep breath before looking back up at him.
“Anything,” she said.
She had nothing to hide. She would tell him anything that he needed to know. She owed him that.
“Lord Hays keeps coming up in conversation. You avoided mentioning his attendance at the ball. What I want to know is…why?”
She bit the tip of her tongue to prevent herself from losing her nerve. She straightened the fabric of her dress and looked back up at him.
“I did not wish to displease you at all. I knew that you were not fond of the man,” Jane mustered.
“Because he is fond of you,” Lord Greenshire replied frankly.
The honesty of the statement was great, and it caused her to stare up into his face. He loved her, and she did not deserve him.
Jane didn’t answer right away, so Lord Greenshire continued. “Do you enjoy his company?”
“No. At least, not anymore. I used to, and –”
She stopped herself. Again, she had said the wrong thing.
“I need to be honest with you,” she replied quietly, desperately. “I cannot allow you to believe that I have any interest in Lord Hays beca
use I do not.”
“Your sisters told me that he…” Lord Greenshire turned and looked out the window. “That he proposed to you.”
She gaped at him. She spared only a second to glare at the backs of her sisters. How could they? She made a mental note to discuss their lack of etiquette by discussing such matters with Lord Greenshire. Perhaps one of Margaret’s favorite dresses would go missing, and Beatrice’s favorite book might…
She watched the side of his face and suffered with him in his distress.
“He told me that it was a joke,” she answered. She felt tears form in her eyes. She hadn’t realized that he had been hurting so much. And something in his tone frightened her, reminded her that there was nothing aside from his affections for her keeping him there.
“Did you know that from the beginning?”
She swallowed hard, but forced the word out. “No.”
“And did you think at all, even for a moment, that maybe he was serious?”
“Yes, I did wonder. Of course I did.”
“And did you think about accepting if he had been serious?”
There was the question that all of this was building up to, all of her fears and his fears reaching a pinnacle moment.
Some tears splashed down onto her cheeks and fell easily onto her dress.
“I did.”
He turned away and strolled out of the room.
“Please wait,” Jane called after him.
Her sisters and her mother turned their heads, but she ignored them.
“Wait!” Jane’s loss of composure was an embarrassment for her family, and she would be scolded by her parents later. She didn’t care.
She chased him from the room and found him striding down the hall toward the foyer. The hall was considerably colder than the sitting room had been, and she wrapped her arms around herself as she caught up to him.
“Please listen to me,” she told him.
She was surprised that he stopped. She could tell that he was breathing heavy, watching his shoulders rise and fall.
She had hurt him, and it broke her heart to see him in such pain.
“Please listen.”
When he did not start to walk again, she spoke as fast as she could so he could hear everything that she had to say.
“I met him a year ago. He was handsome, of course, and charming. But I had not seen him for quite some time. I had met you much earlier, and I have always enjoyed our time together. I have longed for the day when you and I might be together.”
She wiped the tears from her face.
“You seemed interested, but I could not be entirely sure of it, and that is not your fault. I blame myself entirely.” She took a hesitant step toward him.
“When he proposed, it startled me, and it made me question…everything. About my standards, about myself, about what I believed. I had momentarily believed that I was the only one he had cared about, and it made me question whether I would have been good enough for you.”
She saw him look over his shoulder, his silhouette moving, the light from the windows beside the door darkening his face. She could not see his expression.
“I avoided telling you that he attended my aunt’s ball for I saw him for who he truly was. He is a flirt, and he is contemptible.” She took a deep breath to steady herself. “I saw him flirting and speaking the very same way he used to speak with me to another woman. She was also very pretty.”
She smirked at the thought. “When I confronted him, he was speechless. He had no idea that I had seen him. He’s an utter fool if you ask me, because he was bound to be discovered. It’s no wonder that he earned the reputation he has.”
She tapped her foot angrily. “It’s no matter though. He won’t be coming around my family or anyone else I know ever again. They have all been warned.”
Still Lord Greenshire stood with his back to her, but she could still believe that he was listening to her. Why else would he stand there in the dark?
“I have learned my lesson,” she said, taking another step toward him. When he did not move, she walked around to stand in front of him.
His gaze was stony, and his jaw was set. He looked as if she has struck him across the face, and he still did not speak.
“I am so very fond of you, Lord Greenshire. That had never changed through this entire thing. If anything, this has just proved to me how much…” she blinked more tears out of her eyes that had appeared, “How much I care for you.”
“I do not know what to believe. It sounds as if I am your second choice.”
His voice was shaky and low. He sounded as if he might begin to cry as well.
“No. You were never my second choice. Trust me,” she said, standing so close to him that she could feel his breath on her cheeks. “Trust that I am telling you the truth. I never loved him. But I do…”
He took a step back from her, and she felt as if she had shattered, her heart a million pieces of shimmering glass.
“I will leave first thing in the morning,” he said, and Jane was immediately reminded of the manner in which he departed last time she saw him.
He left Jane standing alone.
Jane collapsed where she stood, in the middle of the cold, dark foyer, and her face fell into her hands. She sobbed into them, and eventually she felt arms around her shoulders. She did not care who it was, only that they were warm and they were guiding her away from the door.
What a fool she had been. How entirely selfish and ridiculous she had been. She realized that she must live in a fairy tale, in order to have the ability to choose between two men who adored her, both of whom would understand if she chose the other.
Instead, one ended up being a fraud, and the other the true hero in the story. She ended up being the villain.
Jane found the warm comforting arms to be her mother. The duchess helped Jane to her room and undressed her and helped her into her nightgown. Her mother wiped her face with a warm cloth and took the ribbons and barrettes out of Jane’s hair, allowing her gold tresses to fall around her shoulders.
The duchess didn’t ask any questions, much to Jane’s relief. Her heart was broken and she did not wish to speak about the scene her mother had witnessed. When the duchess left, she kissed her daughter on the forehead and said farewell. Jane retreated to the comfort of her bed and felt her body relax somewhat beneath her warm blankets, with a roaring fire in the fireplace in the corner of her room.
“I should have chosen him in the first place,” she whispered to the dark ceiling. “I should never have allowed myself to be wooed by a man like Lord Hays, someone who had such a reputation. I should have listened to my own beliefs and what I knew to be right.”
She could no longer cry any tears. There was a hollow emptiness that she feared she could never fill, and she deserved every second of that feeling.
8
Forgiveness
The next day was unbearable. Jane had hardly slept, and she had no appetite. She stayed in her room and hoped to be left alone, but that was wishful thinking.
Her mother had been the first to visit her. The duchess tried to get Jane to tell her what had happened, but she refused. Jane simply sat on the edge of her bed, staring out of the window, her hands firmly grasping her blankets.
Her father came in next, sometime after breakfast. He, too, attempted to ask her questions, even pleaded with her. She fought the urge to burst into tears again, because she knew that her father was not only upset for her, but was disappointed. She had ruined a perfectly good match for herself, and nobody knew what Lord Greenshire would say to his family and friends.
"Did he say anything before he left? Anything at all?" the duke asked, looking at her.
"He just told me he was leaving first thing in the morning."
"Nothing more?" he asked.
She shook her head and resumed her gazing out of the window.
"I am sorry, my daughter. I truly am."
"Do not be," she said. "It is my fault, after all."
She wished she had not said so much, for it brought on another onslaught of questions, and eventually, she simply asked him to leave and give her some space.
Her sisters tried to visit as well, but she would not allow them into her room. She was far too angry with them to see them, for she felt as if part of this entire affair was their fault. If they had allowed her to maintain her relationship in the way that she had seen fit, then perhaps Lord Greenshire would not have become so frustrated by the entire affair. Perhaps his perception would not have been so colored.
Jane kept asking herself if she ever would have mentioned Lord Hays to Lord Greenshire if her sisters had not teased her about him. Would she have ever been open about it? Would things have ended the way they had with Lord Hays?
Perhaps something even worse would have happened. Perhaps Lord Greenshire would have seen her with Lord Hays at some point. Maybe it was better that the conversation with him had happened at her home, with only her sisters as witness.
She tormented herself asking many questions, hoping that somehow she could make sense of everything that happened.
After a whole day locked away in her room, Jane had to admit, even to herself, that she was hungry and exhausted, and she could not hide from her life forever. She found the strength to bathe, eat, and pull herself together enough to sit in company with her family. No one brought Lord Greenshire up in conversation, and she was grateful for it.
Her sisters spent a good portion of their time discussing the coming New Year’s Eve ball that the duchess was planning. Hundreds of people were to be in attendance.
Jane hoped that she would not see Lord Greenshire. She did not think that she could bear it. She was not sure she could face anybody.
Lord Greenshire had not return or send a letter. Margaret informed Jane that his actions meant he had no intention of courting her any longer, and she should just move on.
"But that should not be very hard for you, should it?" she had commented in a sneering tone. "Making men fall in love with you is perhaps your greatest talent."
Jane nearly threw her fork across the table at her smirking face.
