by Joyce Alec
She threw herself against their front door, crying out for anyone to answer, and began sobbing with relief when Sarah answered the door.
In a distorted sort of way, between her panting and tears, she managed to tell Sarah and Sarah’s husband Randall, who had appeared, what had happened.
Randall wasted no time. He snatched a pack of medicine from the kitchen, mounted a horse, and took off down the road, running at full tilt back toward Haddie and Adam’s house.
Sarah gently drew Haddie beside the fire, taking Katherine from her arms and pressing a cup of hot tea into her hand while constantly uttering reassurances, as Haddie stared into the flames, allowing their flicker and crackling to wipe her mind clean of worry. It was better to not think. Better to pretend it never happened in the first place.
“Randall knows a great deal about medicine,” Sarah said, pulling a chair up beside Haddie. “He will do everything that he can to take care of Adam. What I need you to do is drink your tea and talk to me.”
Haddie stared up into her friend’s face, the tears starting anew. “He’s dying, Sarah. I just know it…”
Sarah’s face fell, but she shook her head, her red curls swinging. “No, no, Haddie. Don’t say that.”
“You didn’t see the look in his eyes,” Haddie said, staring at the flames but not seeing. “They were blank, lifeless already…he…he didn’t even know I was there.”
“Then how did he get home?” Sarah asked. “How could he have done that if he was so ill?”
“I don’t know,” Haddie said, sinking her face into her hands. “I have no idea! He could have been sitting there for hours! I had been out in the garden with Katherine, and then in the kitchen…I only looked into the other room when I heard the chair move.”
Sarah looked down at the tea cup in her own hands. She had lulled Katherine to sleep, and she was bundled in some blankets in a basket on the floor between the two of them.
“How are you feeling?” Sarah asked.
“I’m feeling terrible,” Haddie replied. “How could you ask such a thing?”
“If he was so ill, I just want to make sure that you aren’t, as well. If you need help, or if you are feeling ill at all, you must let me know at once.”
Haddie glared hotly at her friend. “My husband is at death’s door. I could not care less if I was ill.”
“But I do,” Sarah replied gently. “Please, stay here for a few days until we get Adam’s health under control. That way if you do fall ill, I can take care of Katherine for you. Please?”
Haddie knew that Sarah was making good sense, but she couldn’t think that far into the future yet. Adam was all she could think about. Until she knew his state, she would not able to think of anything else.
The moments that Randall were gone passed very slowly. So slowly that Haddie thought that the clock on the wall was broken. It was agonizing, being unaware of what was happening.
“I shouldn’t have left…” Haddie murmured.
Sarah had just fetched a blanket for Haddie and had thrown it over her shoulders. “And then what would you have done?”
“I was doing just fine before I came here…” Haddie muttered.
“Then why were you so desperate for help?” Sarah replied.
“I…” Haddie began, and then she trailed off. “I just feel so very guilty for leaving him there alone. I feel as if I abandoned him.”
“You did nothing of the sort. You had a hard choice to make, and you chose the one that you thought would be most helpful to him in the long run. If anything, I must commend you for using great wisdom in such a dire circumstance. Besides, think of Katherine. She is so young and vulnerable. You would not want to her to get ill, as well.”
“That is true. It would be devastating for Katherine to also become ill.” Haddie shook her head. “I just want to know how…what has happened.”
“Waiting is always the hardest part,” Sarah replied frankly.
Darkness fell, and still Randall did not return. Haddie hoped that was good news. She hoped that Randall had found a way to urge him back to health or that he was giving him medicine that would turn the tide for him.
It was not long after Sarah and Haddie had sat down for a meal that Randall returned home. He looked exhausted, and when he looked at Haddie, her heart shattered into a hundred thousand pieces.
She fell from her chair onto the floor, clutching her head in her hands, unaware of Sarah’s arms around her, or Randall’s words as he told Sarah that Adam was already dead when he arrived. She screamed so loud that it woke Katherine, who joined in the wailing, creating some sort of despair driven choir.
Wracked with guilt, she screamed until her throat was raw and cried until she lost all sense of consciousness.
When she woke in the middle of the night, wrapped tightly in a blanket in bed beside Sarah, she started anew, and she didn’t grow quiet until the sun crested the horizon the next morning.
Adam was dead. She kept telling herself those words as she sat on the end of Sarah’s bed. Adam was gone. She had left him in the hour he needed her most. She was not there when he passed. She had left him to die alone.
She was vaguely aware that reality was still happening around her, that her own daughter needed her but…she couldn’t bring herself to care. She brought Katherine to her breast to give her the nourishment she needed, but her mind was elsewhere.
Nothing mattered anymore.
Adam was gone.
She was all alone.
2
“Haddie?”
Four weeks had passed. Four weeks since Haddie had raced to Sarah and Randall’s, desperate for help that she knew was far too late in coming. Four weeks since Randall had found Adam dead, having likely passed on just after she left. Four weeks since Haddie said goodbye to Adam and apologized for abandoning him.
Four weeks since Haddie had become a widow with a new baby.
Sarah and Randall had taken her in, as most of her family lived in South Carolina, knowing that she needed constant care.
She didn’t speak to any of them for a whole week. She fed Katherine, but that was about as much care as she was given. Haddie was only partially aware of Sarah carrying the little child around, bouncing her to stop her crying, playing with her out in the yard.
They buried Adam behind Haddie’s home, but Haddie had already distanced herself from the little homestead. It was no longer hers. It couldn’t be, not without Adam. She told Sarah and Randall that they could sell the house to anyone who might want it.
She had no desire to live there any longer.
Sarah refused to let Haddie leave and find a place to live in town; instead, she insisted that Haddie and Katherine stay with them, so as to rest and recover.
“No one should ever have to go through what you have gone through so young. You must give yourself time to heal. And I insist that Randall and I help you do just that.”
Haddie didn’t have the strength to argue.
The sorrow hung over her like an ever-present shroud. She carried the great weight of it, never able to get out from underneath it. It seeped into every action of her life, every thought, every moment.
She knew she would carry this burden until her own dying day.
One morning, as Haddie fed Katherine, she realized she needed to begin the healing process. Katherine had looked up to her with such wide eyes, as if asking for affection. The look on Katherine’s face made Haddie cry out for the weeks that she had been so emotionally absent.
In that moment, Haddie became aware of herself. She was hungry, so she ate. She was dirty, so she bathed. She put on clean, dry clothes.
And she felt infinitely more normal. She did not feel whole again, and the sadness still consumed her, but at least she felt like she could function again. It was the small steps that mattered.
Sarah nearly burst with happiness when Haddie presented herself to them, asking how she could help them, how she could repay them for their kindness and care. Sarah told he
r time and time again that she didn’t need to do anything at all, but Haddie was adamant.
“I need something to do to distract my mind. Sitting around in bed all day…it will surely cause me to go out of my mind. I need the peace and consistency of work. Or care. I don’t mind. Just please…give me something to do.”
Sarah took Haddie into town. Everyone knew at that point that Adam had passed, and all gave Haddie their condolences. Haddie wanted to withdraw, to return to the house, to hide from everyone, but Sarah insisted that it was best to face everyone while the pain was still fresh.
“No sense in suffering twice…” she said.
She bought some new clothes for Haddie, as well as some nice things for Katherine. Katherine had been overly fussy, but Haddie could understand why. She missed her papa and longed for his touch almost as much as Haddie did.
When they returned home, Sarah allowed Haddie to help her prepare dinner. She never left her side, however. Together, they cleaned the vegetables, kneaded the bread, and salted the meat. They talked of the harvest that was approaching, and of how to best care for a garden. Simple things to keep Haddie’s mind off of Adam. It was a very futile effort, but Haddie appreciated Sarah’s efforts all the same.
The next day, Haddie helped Sarah with the laundry, picked more vegetables from the garden and berries from the forest, and helped her dress down a rabbit for dinner. Haddie found great relief in normal activities, in doing things that carried her through the days like a normal person.
The nights were the hardest. As soon as the sun went down, Haddie’s unease grew, her heart raced, and she was unable to calm her mind. She found that sleep was one of the very last things to return to normal. She would lie awake, sometimes with Katherine tucked into the bed beside her, just for the comfort of having her near. She would stare at the ceiling, and she would allow herself to grieve in silence. Adam was gone. She had to deal with it. The more she ignored it, the harder life was going to be overall.
Haddie started to realize that she wasn’t going to be able to keep accepting the generosity of her friends. There was a future, and it was for Katherine. She was going to help her have a fruitful, happy life so that when she was able to remember things, she would be able to have a heart full of happy memories.
She wasn’t sure how she was going to do that, and she knew she didn’t want to go back to the little cabin. She couldn’t face it. No matter how much time passed, it would always be the place where Adam died.
She would never find peace there. And that wasn’t a good place for Katherine.
But she knew that she wouldn’t be able to stay with Sarah and Randall forever, either. She wasn’t ready to leave just yet, because having their company was the only thing that made grieving more tolerable. She knew that she had to make a change. She had to move on and find somewhere to start her life anew.
The fifth week after the tragedy came, and Haddie had her first pleasant day. She had taken a long walk with Katherine, alone, just up and down the country lane. She enjoyed the cold air on her face and the feel of the coming winter in the air. The air smelled of cold, leaves, and dirt. The clouds overhead were thick and swirling, like a blanket over the world, preparing it for a long rest.
Rest. That was what she needed. A great, long, rest.
She returned to the house and sat in the rocking chair on the porch. Katherine had fallen asleep on their walk, so Haddie had laid her down in her bassinet in her room that Sarah and Randall had made up for her.
Haddie looked up at the sound of her name. Sarah had just come outside, pulling her thick wool shawl closer around her shoulders.
“It’s freezing out here. You should come inside and sit by the fire with me.”
Haddie smiled a small smile. “This cold is helping to clear my mind. I hadn’t even noticed the chill.”
“Come along,” Sarah said, gesturing for Haddie to follow her in. “No sense in allowing yourself to become ill—” Sarah’s eyes widened, as she realized what she had said. “Oh, Haddie, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“It’s all right, Sarah,” she replied. “Truly. People will become ill through the rest of my life. Certainly, it causes me pain, but…I will manage. Do not change what you want to say around me out of fear that I can’t handle it. I am stronger than that.”
Sarah’s shoulders relaxed. “You are stronger than any woman I have ever known already,” she said. “Now come on. I am already too cold standing out here. As your friend, I insist.”
Haddie allowed herself to be ushered inside and next to the fireplace. Sarah plopped a knife and a bowl in her lap filled with potatoes. “Please peel those for me,” Sarah said, walking over to the hearth, prodding the wood with the long, iron rod in her hand.
Haddie obediently started on the task.
“How was your walk?” Sarah asked, the dull thud of her knife against the table filling the room.
“Pleasant,” Haddie replied. “It gave me a great deal of time to think.”
“Think about what, exactly?”
Haddie could hear Sarah’s hesitant tone.
“Well…I do not come from a family of great wealth,” Haddie began, throwing the peels from the potatoes into the fire at her feet. “I am going to have to find a way to take care of Katherine and myself.”
Sarah made to protest, but Haddie held up her hand. “Please, friend, let me finish my thoughts.”
Sarah nodded solemnly.
“You and Randall have done so much for me since Adam passed. You have no idea how grateful I am to you. I feel as if I am just coming to, and I am shocked to realize that a whole month has passed already. I can never thank you enough for your kindness. I don’t know what might have happened to Katherine if I was to deal with all of this on my own. But…I cannot be a burden to you any longer.”
“You are by no means a burden!” Sarah said.
“I am,” Haddie said. “You have your own lives, your own family…and I will likely have to find another one as well.”
“What do you mean?” Sarah asked.
“I must find a place to raise Katherine. And that will likely mean me getting married again, even if it is just so that I can have a roof over our heads and food in her belly. That will all depend on whether or not a man will take a widow like me, but I know that I cannot provide for myself.”
Sarah grew silent, and she looked sadly across the kitchen at her friend.
“You know…” she said, putting her knife down and wiping her hands on her apron. “I feel like this is too soon to bring it up, but I know someone who might be a good match for you. I have an uncle who moved out to Texas a few years back. He owns a large cattle ranch, and my parents are concerned that he doesn’t have anybody to care for his home.”
Haddie looked around. “Texas? What exactly does this have to do with me?”
“Well, I realize that Texas is a world away, but he could easily provide for a wife and child. You could help care for his home and for him. Of course, it wouldn’t be a love match, but I do believe you could help make each other’s lives more comfortable.”
“Sarah, I just don’t know if I am ready to be a wife to a new man. My love and loyalty are still with Adam.”
Sarah stroked Haddie’s arm in a consoling gesture. “Of course your loyalty is with Adam, and you do know you can stay with us as long as you wish. I am only suggesting that my uncle might be exactly what you need, but you are right, it is too soon.”
Haddie hesitated to respond. She did need to put Katherine’s needs above her own, and that meant finding a safe place to grow up where she would not have any challenges providing her child with food, shelter, and other basic necessities.
“Tell me more about your uncle, Sarah. I am not saying I am ready to marry again, obviously, but I do suppose I should consider all of my options.”
Sarah beamed. “He is a very hardworking man, with great drive and a deep love for his family. He’s my father’s brother. He is quite handsome
, if I do say so myself. He is my father’s youngest brother, so he is only twenty-seven years old, only ten years your senior.”
“How old he is doesn’t matter. And handsome or not, why would he want to marry me?”
Sarah shrugged her shoulders. “Like I said, he needs someone to keep his home. From what my father says, there are not many women in his area of Texas that are single and fit for marriage.”
“Please, just allow me to think about this,” Haddie said.
“Take all the time that you need,” Sarah responded.
After a fortnight of considering her future, Haddie decided that she would ask Sarah to reach out to her uncle. If he was kind and could provide a good home, as Sarah said he could, then Haddie thought it might be one of the best options for Katherine and herself.
When Haddie approached Sarah, she was surprised to learn that Sarah had already reached out to her uncle and had received a reply.
“Oh, Haddie, you must not be cross with me,” Sarah pleaded. “I just knew that my uncle will be a good match for you, and you will be a good match for him. You can keep the home, while he provides a good living for your family.”
“Of course I am not cross with you, Sarah. I… It’s just… Well, what did he say?”
She wondered if she had lost her mind, already contemplating marrying again. But it was for her daughter, not for herself. She would not allow her daughter to grow up in a widow’s home without the care and protection of a father. With winter coming, she had to make a decision—otherwise she would be a burden on her friends for six more months. She just couldn’t do that to her dear friends.
“You can read it for yourself,” Sarah said, as she handed her friend a sealed envelope.
With shaking fingers, Haddie slowly opened the letter.
Dear Haddie,
My niece has told me of your plight. Let me first offer my condolences for losing your husband. The death of a loved one is the hardest thing that we must face this side of heaven. The death of a spouse must be far greater than even the death of a friend. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel.
