by Joyce Alec
“Someone’s here to see you,” said Mariah cheerfully.
“Who is it?”
“It's Samuel; he is back from the war.” Mariah set a plate of home-baked cookies on the tray. “Jacob and Sarah have been waiting for you. He has been here for some time now.”
Rachel sighed; she was not ready to see John’s best friend. She did not think that she could bring herself to talk about John right now, but she dutifully followed Mariah to the living room.
“Rachel is here,” Mariah announced.
Everyone turned towards her as she walked into the room. Her mother appeared to have an expression of uncertainty on her face. Rachel’s gaze was drawn to Samuel, only he did not look like she remembered. His hair was cut short, and his face was clean shaven. The men in her community wore their hair long and grew beards.
“Come, Rachel.” Her mother patted the seat next to her. “You remember, Mr. Samuel Harrison.”
Rachel’s eyes met very dark ones. The room was lit by a single kerosene lamp in the center of the table. In the dim light, she was unable to tell what color Samuel’s eyes were, only that they were dark. His dark eyes looked at her with an intensity she had never known. Taken aback by such a strong reaction from just a pair of eyes, Rachel was unsure what to think.
He stood to his full height of over six feet and greeted her, “Hello, Rachel.” His voice sounded gruff. He tipped his head in greeting. Once again, Rachel was captivated by his dark, mysterious eyes.
“Hello, Mr. Harrison. It has been a long time since we last spoke. I almost did not recognize you,” She came straight to the point.
“Jah, it has been a long time, since just before John and I enlisted. I am not surprised that you do not recognize me. In the army, I had to cut my hair and shave my beard, but I don’t have to keep them cut anymore, not since I got out.”
John. The pain returned with a sharp stab. Not that it ever left, but just hearing the name spoken out loud made it so much worse. She folded her arms across her chest, trying to guard herself.
“I am glad you came home safe, but why are you here?”
“Rachel, that’s not a polite way to talk to a guest.” This time it was Jacob who admonished her.
“Please excuse her tone, Samuel. The loss of John has been hard on all of us,” Jacob said to Samuel who nodded in response.
“Jacob, Mariah, let’s give them a few minutes of privacy,” Rachel’s mother said as she stood up to leave. She knew that the loss of John was still a burden to Rachel and that it would be better if she could talk with someone that cared about John as she did. Sarah hoped that Samuel might help Rachel get over the loss of her husband.
Much to Rachel’s surprise, her family left her alone with Mr. Samuel Harrison. She sat stiffly beside him, wanting to run out of the room. Yes, she was mourning for her lost love, but she didn’t need more people imposing on her, increasing the pain which was already too much for her bear.
“I am sorry for your loss, Rachel,” Samuel’s voice turned into a whisper.
She didn’t respond. She never had the correct response for this comment for anyone. She kept her eyes focused on her lap. “As you know, John and I served together; we were in the same platoon. During the war, we relied on each other and became very close. He was like a brother to me."
Rachel’s breath stilled. She didn’t want to hear this.
“I just returned a few days ago. I had to come here to see you, to extend my condolences. John spoke about you every day before he…before he died. I wanted you to know how much you meant to him,” Samuel said quietly.
Rachel bowed her head and thought of the words from John’s letter, “Think of me, Rachel, because I am thinking of you.” The words from John’s last letter echoed in her ears. She could imagine him sitting in tents, or around a bonfire, talking to Samuel about her. Tears prickled in her eyes.
“John was with me in the worst moments of my life. We both fought hard to come home—John especially—he wanted to come home to you and start a family. When he was wounded, I promised him that if anything should happen, that I would come and see you. I brought you something from John.”
Samuel reached into his pocket and took out a letter that was stained and creased. He handed it to her. Her hand was trebling as she took the letter from him. She looked at her name written across the envelope; it was written in John’s handwriting. The tears she had been fighting fell down her cheeks.
“Yet he lost that battle, and you survived,” she couldn’t help but say in utter bitterness and looked up to see his face.
His eyes turned darker, and a haunting emotion flickered across his face. He lifted the corners of his lips in a humorless smile.
“Jah, I survived. He had you to return to, and I had no one. But still, I survived. Gott only knows why,” His face spoke of regret. “If I could switch fates, I would have done it with John. He always smiled when he spoke of you.”
Suddenly, Rachel didn’t want to hear another word. She rose to leave.
“You came here to extend your condolences, Mr. Harrison. You have done that. I appreciate you coming here and delivering John’s letter to me, but it really isn’t necessary for you to stay any longer.”
Rachel didn’t wait for his response; she left him sitting in the living room. She ran up to her room and slammed the door behind her. Her heart ached as she wept; she clasped John’s letter to her chest, and she slid down onto the wooden floor.
“Why have You placed this upon my heart, Gott? It’s too much to bear,” she pleaded. “Why did it have to be John, and not Samuel, if he was so willing to take his place? Why did You take, John? He was my love. Were my prayers not enough to save his life? My life? There is no me without him, Gott.”
She let the pain take over. Another night of complete agony was ahead of her.
2
Samuel fixed his pillow and then eased himself into the comfort of a mattress and quilt. The softness of the bed felt strange to him. He was used to sleeping in a fox hole or on the hard ground in rain and snow, not on a soft mattress. He did not know how long it would take him to return to a normal life.
Normal. The word lost its meaning for him. Nothing normal for him anymore. The demons this war had given him snatched away any chance for a normal life.
He tried to close his eyes, but the first thing to hit him was the bloodbath he left behind. The screams of dying men, the grunts of injured souls and the sight of dead bodies which lay lifeless—the flashbacks attacked him with full force. He opened his eyes immediately. Surviving the war wasn’t enough; he now faced an endless eternity of nightmares.
Think of her, Samuel. Think of Rachel. You’ll survive.
He repeated that thought in his head. Again and again. And then the violence inside his mind settled, replaced by calmness, and eventually she appeared. He had always thought of her as an angel, the angel who had saved him.
As strange as it sounded, Rachel was his angel who had guarded him through the worst, especially when John was no longer there. It had been Rachel’s name and thoughts of her that kept him afloat in the storm of human massacre, where every person was out to save himself.
Samuel joined the army after his mother died. At that time, he thought he had nothing and no one to lose and nothing to live for. Defying the Ordnung’s instruction of non-violence, He and his best friend, John, made the decision to serve their country. It went against everything they were taught as Amish men, but they knew that they could not sit by and watch as the Germans and Japanese destroyed everything they held dear. That small spark of patriotism killed John and was going to affect Samuel for the rest of his life.
The war was horrific and worse than anything he could have imagined. He would have lost hope if it had not been for his friendship with John. He was beguiled by John’s immense faith in Rachel’s love. Samuel didn’t know when he too started to hold on to thoughts of Rachel to get him through the war. It was sometime after John’s death that he realized that
he thought of Rachel as his angel. He was shocked that his best friend’s wife would play such an important role in his life and his will to survive.
That’s why Samuel came straight home to Lancaster; he had to see Rachel and tell her about John. He made sure that he delivered the last letter John ever wrote to her. He wanted to tell her about the promise that John forced him to make, but she was too upset to know about that right now; that would have to wait. Samuel could be patient. He had been patient for the war to end, and now he could be patient as he waited for Rachel.
He had envisioned their meeting for many months. He hated to admit this even to himself, but he was beginning to have feelings for her. He was overcome with guilt. This was John’s wife. John was madly in love with her, and it was clear that she was deeply in love with John. He had never intended to upset her.
Samuel dared to close his eyes. The darkness tried to take over, but thinking about Rachel, as he had done on the battlefield, pushed all the negativity away, leaving Samuel to sleep without haunting thoughts lingering in his mind.
A week later at services, Samuel sat in the back of the room. His decision to go to war was unpopular, and his short hair and clean shaven face made him appear as an outsider. He knew it would take many months for the community to accept him again, even after he made amends and asked for forgiveness. From where he was sitting, he could see Rachel. Her head was bowed in prayer. Samuel could see she was quietly weeping.
Only then did he focus on the words that the preacher was saying.
He was talking about war, violence, and the blood of innocent souls that had been shed in past years, “We should avoid violence at every cost, for blood of another brother on our hands shall not be forgiven.”
Samuel’s eyes were fixed on Rachel. She looked as though she was in much pain. It was unbearable for Samuel to look at her. He could feel his own heart hurting with her pain. After the service, he did not wait to speak to anyone, but instead, returned home to be alone with his melancholy thoughts. His mother was in Heaven, and he needed someone to talk to, someone who understood him, but there was nobody. His mother was gone. John was gone.
In bed at night, his mind refused to rest. Samuel contemplated his life and what to do next. He tried to make sense of why he couldn’t keep his mind off Rachel. Samuel’s memories from his mother’s death and the war were painful, but when he thought of Rachel, he did not feel pain. In fact, thinking about Rachel made him happy. Before Samuel enlisted in the military, he met Rachel on many occasions, before she was overcome with sadness.
Samuel remembered her laugh; it sounded soft and innocent. Then, he thought about how she looked when he visited her a few days earlier. That innocence was gone; it was replaced by bitterness and pain. When people said war did lethal things to its survivors, they weren’t wrong. Samuel knew he was damaged and broken, and he feared that his only chance at life was fulfilling the promise he made to John.
She was the wife of the man who had been like a brother to him. And thinking of Rachel like this was as if he were betraying John. But John wasn’t alive anymore, and Samuel’s condition made him feel like he was dead inside. As strange as it was, Samuel’s only ray of hope was Rachel. The one thing he learned from war was if you find even the tiniest bit of hope, hold onto it for the rest of your life. He was going to do just that. After all, he had made a promise.
3
“The answer is no, Ma. Today and every day.” Rachel couldn’t believe the game fate was playing with her. “Ma, I will not marry my late husband’s friend.”
“Don’t be so impulsive, Rachel. Think about what you’re saying.” Rachel’s mother, Sarah, wasn’t leaving the subject alone.
“I don’t have to think about it, Ma. I will not marry Samuel or anyone. How dare he even suggest it. Has he no respect for John, whom he so proudly claimed as his brother?” Rachel was shaking with anger.
Samuel had asked Sarah for permission to marry Rachel, to care for her. Rachel was enraged. Never in her worst nightmare had she thought of a possibility like that. She didn’t care that it had been John’s dying wish for Samuel to take care of her. Samuel must have been lying.
“Don’t be absurd, Rachel. There is nothing disrespectful in this. He has asked for you respectfully, and I don’t find anything wrong in his devotion to you. He is a good man, and he was John’s best friend. You should accept his proposal. He can offer you a good life and maybe even a chance at happiness again,” Sarah said.
Rachel looked at her incredulously. “You are saying this despite knowing that there is only one person whom I love? John. I will never do anything to betray him. I will not marry or even think of any other man. Samuel is disloyal to John for even suggesting this.”
The tears threatened to break their barrier again, but she fought hard to keep them at bay.
“He is dead, Rachel. It is time that you accept this fact. He is gone and not coming back. Stop wasting your life for him. I have let you mourn enough, but not anymore. This needs to end here. Samuel is a nice man. We shouldn’t be ungrateful for such a good proposal that Gott has sent to our doorstep. You are going to marry Samuel. I will not listen to any of your arguments.”
Rachel glared at her. “Ma—”
She tried protesting, but Sarah cut her off in mid-sentence, “No, Rachel. This discussion is over. I have made the decision, and I expect you to respect it.” Sarah took on a softer tone, as she only wanted what was best for her daughter, “I understand the feeling of loss. I lost your father. John wanted you to be happy, and he knew that Samuel would be able to do that. I do not see how this is disloyal for a man to promise his best friend that he will look after his wife is the most loyal act he could commit. He may not even love you, yet he has asked for your hand in marriage.”
Rachel slumped on the bed as her mother left her alone in the room. She wanted to yell and cry. Why was she so helpless in this matter? She didn’t want this. She wanted to be left alone so that she could live with the memories John left her. She could live with the pain of losing John, but replacing him with someone—that she couldn’t do.
“Ma is right, Rachel. You can’t live like this. John would want you to live your life. You can’t spend the rest of your years in your state of sadness. This is not appropriate; besides, Samuel is a good man. John though so, and so do I,” Jacob was trying to convince her.
“Please, Jacob. Make Ma understand. I can’t do this.”
“If she was doing something wrong or not good for you, I would have talked to her and stood up for you. But she is right, Rachel. You are not seeing this as a blessing from Gott. It is for your own good. Samuel is sacrificing his own life to make sure you are provided for and to honor John’s dying wish.”
“Don’t I get a say in this? Why is everyone else deciding what’s good for me and what’s not?” she asked Jacob, sniffing silently.
Rachel was hurt; her entire family turned against her. Anger welled up inside of her, and she was mad at John for dying on her and at Samuel for the proposal. Rachel was also angry at her family who was making this decision for her.
“I know you think we are making you do something you don’t want to, but you’ll see in time that this is right. Maybe not now, but eventually you’ll realize this marriage is right. Samuel is a fine person, Rachel. And I think you two will make a good couple. You both have lost something precious. Just take the leap, Rachel. This could be the best thing to happen to you. I am your brother, and I will never make any decision for you that I think is not the absolute best for you. Trust Gott to make things right for you. This is an opportunity given to you to set your life back on track and have a chance of happiness you deserve.”
Rachel couldn’t argue any further. Her family meant the best for her, but it didn’t necessarily mean she had to be happy about their decisions. If fate was deciding to challenge her, she was ready to face it with a strong head. The most prized possession that she treasured was already taken away from her, so she had noth
ing to left to lose.
But she was definitely going to make Samuel see what he was doing to her. He wanted to marry her. She was going to give him his wish, but he’d never succeed in winning her heart. Rachel knew that John loved him as a brother, but she was not entirely sure that she trusted Samuel.
After Jacob left her alone with her sorrow and anger, she opened the drawer of her bedside table. The unopened letter from John sat in the drawer beside her Bible. She picked it up and held it. She was afraid to read it because she didn’t want to feel anymore sadness. John was never coming back; she didn’t need another reminder. She cried when she thought about what might be in that letter, so she carefully placed it back in the drawer and closed it.
Marriage was in Rachel's future, but there was no excitement. Samuel would have a wife, but never in an emotional way. She may bear his name, but her heart was sealed with John’s. Samuel could have her for her whole life, but she’d always belong to John. Samuel would have to live with this knowledge that his wife would always love another man.
The thought of making Samuel suffer just like she was suffering gave Rachel the courage to stand up and exchange vows with him. The vows she once exchanged with John now bound her to Samuel.
“With the authority given to me by the State of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you man and wife,” the bishop announced, and just like that, she was Rachel Harrison.
4
Samuel succeeded in marrying Rachel. He promised John that he would take care of her and be the husband that he intended to be. It was strange to think that he married Rachel for John’s sake, but that was the truth. It was stranger still when he realized he was falling in love with her.
The wedding and the dinner afterward went by in a blur; it all happened so quickly. Rachel had been polite and smiled when appropriate, but Samuel knew that her heart was not in it. He understood that her family had convinced her to marry him. He hoped that one day she would see that he could make her just as happy as John had. This is what John wanted.
