by Joyce Alec
Samuel stared at Rachel in complete awe. She sat in the living room of his farmhouse after the wedding. She had agreed to marry him, and now she was his wife. There was nothing more he could ask for but to spend the rest of his life taking care of her. Samuel planned on doing more than just taking care of Rachel; he would treasure her. He crossed the room to be near her. He wanted to see her and look into her eyes and find solace. She sensed his arrival and stood up.
“Don’t even think of coming near me,” she said as she glared at him.
“Rachel—” Samuel tried speaking and wanted to say something to bring them closer and make Rachel accept him.
She was quick to interrupt him to make her thoughts known, “Samuel, don’t think I married you because I feel love for you. I didn’t have a choice. You married me out of loyalty to John, but I don’t believe you. How long have you coveted your neighbor’s wife, Samuel? How do I know that John made you promise to take care of me?”
Samuel’s heart broke. Thoughts of Rachel had carried him through so many terrifying situations and grief, so her coldness made him feel rejected and even more alone.
“I may bear your name and live in your house, but I will never love you. I will never belong to you. Because there is only one man in my heart, and that man is, John. Remember him? The man you called your brother.”
Rachel spoke with such anger that he shuddered to imagine how much hatred she must have towards him.
“I didn’t betray his trust, Rachel,” said Samuel, but part of him thought that Rachel was right. He felt guilty that he did have real feelings for her. Samuel continued, “I understand that you didn’t want to marry me, but please don’t judge my actions and impose them on my feelings towards John. He was like a brother to me. I want you to know something. I wish I had died rather than John. I wish with all my heart that he could have come home to you.”
“I married you. I share your house and your last name, but that’s just as far as you can go.”
Rachel was saying hurtful things on purpose, but Samuel couldn’t imagine how confusing her emotions must be. He wanted to earn her trust and show her what she meant to him. Samuel wanted to prove to her that love was possible again.
“You don’t have to worry about that. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.” He gave her a sad smile. “I have fixed up the guest room for you. I want to win your heart, Rachel, but for now, I’ll take you however Gott has given you to me. I am not asking for anything more. You being here, this is enough,” he said as he left Rachel standing in the living room. He walked upstairs to his bedroom and closed the door.
That night he slept like he hadn’t slept in ages. Sleep came to him like it does to a baby in his mother’s lap. He felt like he was breathing normally again.
Rachel, true to her word, stayed aloof and stiff around him. The days went by, and they lived as strangers sharing a house. She was a good wife: the house was clean, meals were cooked, and she helped with chores on the farm. He was pleasant and kind to her, but she refuted his kindness with coldness. He would have loved to have lighthearted conversations at dinner, smile at each other, and pray together. But for now, all that mattered to him was her company, and he was willing to take it any way he could.
At night when he heard the faint sounds of Rachel crying, he wanted to console her with all his heart. However, he was afraid that his desire to bring her comfort would be seen as a sexual advance, so instead, he prayed when she cried, hoping that Gott would comfort his wife.
“Please Gott, help her get through the pain, and help her see that I mean her no harm. Make me good enough for her, Gott.”
5
Every minute of this is torture. Why did I do this?
Rachel thought regretfully as she stared out from the window at the bright sky of Lancaster. She and John planned to build their house here. Lancaster was where they had dreamed of their happily ever after. How did she end up here married to his best friend?
She watched as Samuel’s buggy entered the driveway, and a bit later, he jumped out, drenched in sweat. His plain blue shirt was draped across his broad chest and muscular biceps. Before Rachel could move, he looked up, and she met his dark eyes. They were a combination of brown and blue, giving them a very formidable look. The haunted look in his eyes that Rachel saw when he had first returned from the warm was now dimmed. It was like a fog beginning to settle. Samuel’s eyes appeared to be opening doors to new thoughts.
Shrugging off this momentary softening of emotions, she turned and walked away. Samuel might have kept his word of respecting her boundaries, but she still didn’t trust him, so she avoided him. Picking up the clothes, she busied herself in the laundry. It was only a matter of time before Samuel would demand things that she could not give him.
“I have told Joseph that we are hosting the coming Sunday Service. I will arrange the seating and then we can go into town. I know there are a few things that should be bought,” Samuel informed her after lunch.
As much she wanted to turn him down, she wanted a few things from town. She wanted to buy some material to start a quilt. She needed to be useful, and making a quilt would keep her hands and mind busy so that she could free herself of thoughts of Samuel.
Samuel was waiting for her next to the buggy. He extended his hand to help her up the carriage, but Rachel ignored it and climbed up on her own. She turned just in time to see the hurt in his eyes and a look of longing. His expression of pain did not last long. He gave her a small smile before climbing up himself.
Rachel waited for the feeling of triumph to fill her, but nothing came. She received no satisfaction from seeing him suffering.
Lancaster changed during the war. No friendliness was in the air. Many of the Englisch looked at the Amish as traitors for not fighting Hitler. It had not always been that way, but she knew that many men did not come home from the war. It was a loss that she understood personally. The citizens of Lancaster needed someone to lash out at in anger, and the Amish were an easy target.
She thought about how she treated Samuel and realized suddenly that she might be doing the same thing, lashing out in anger. The thought that she had been treating him unfairly made her feel as though she was doing John a disservice. John trusted this man. Why had she not been able to do the same?
As she followed Samuel into the general mercantile, a woman passed by her and muttered something that sounded like the word traitor. The woman shot Rachel a glare and walked away. Rachel felt anxious.
“Is there anything wrong?” Samuel asked.
Rachel looked up at him and saw him frowning in concern. She shook her head, indicating that she was fine. Samuel looked at her intensely, and then looked around, as if searching for threat. The small encounter with the woman had gone completely unnoticed by him. Samuel gestured her to lead and then put his hand on the small of her back, instantly making her feel secure. She never felt more grateful for his presence.
When the shopping was done, they headed back home. She said a prayer of gratitude once she was safely back in their house, and for the first time, felt thankful for Samuel.
“Are you all right, Rachel? You look so pale,” Samuel asked her softly.
Rachel turned to look at him. She was overwhelmed by the compassion and love that she read in his expression. She could not help but notice how beautiful his eyes were.
“I’m fine, thank you. There is nothing for you to worry about,” she snapped at him and then walked ahead.
The bitterness had returned. She felt bad for responding to him in that manner, but she couldn’t help it. Keeping her walls up around Samuel maintained her sanity. Despite marrying him, she was still faithful to John. The feelings that she had been having lately felt like a betrayal of John. First, she noticed his strong muscles, and then realized she actually liked the feeling of Samuel’s touch.
Distracting herself from all those complicated thoughts, Rachel delved into making a quilt. She took over a spare bedroom downs
tairs for a sewing room. Samuel offered no objection. She spread out the material on a table and thought about the design she wanted to sew. She chose a log cabin design that reminded her of how different her life had turned out from how she once imagined that it would. If John had lived, she would have chosen to sew a wedding band design to symbolize their union. Trying to shut out any thoughts of John, Rachel began to work on the quilt.
Several hours later, she looked at her handiwork with satisfaction. She had managed to sew several quilt blocks in a short period of time. She cleaned up the sewing room, and decided to put the extra material that she had purchased out of the way and on a shelf. The shelf proved too high for her to reach, so she went into the kitchen and found a wooden foot stool. Dragging the stool to the shelf, she reached to put the material away. As she was straining to reach the shelf, she lost her balance and fell to the floor with a shriek.
A sharp pain penetrated throughout her head as she sat up. Lifting her hand to her forehead, she felt a warm, sticky substance: blood.
“Rachel!” Samuel called as he rushed into the sewing room. “What happened?”
He dropped down to his knees and immediately cradled her face in his hands. His eyes filled with worry and fear. Rachel tried to shrug off his touch, but she couldn’t find the heart to do it. There was so much desperation in his eyes that she felt his sincerity in the depths of her heart.
“I’m all right, Samuel,” she muttered.
But when Samuel lightly touched her wound, she couldn’t stop wincing in pain.
“Rachel, let me help you. You are bleeding, and the cut is deep. We need to take care of it before it becomes infected.”
“No, thank you. I’m fine.”
“Stop being stubborn for just a moment and come with me to the kitchen. I will have you fixed up in no time; then you can go back to hating me. I give you my word.”
Rachel felt a little lightheaded. He made a compelling argument, and an immediate reason to disagree didn’t come to mind. She stood up and followed him to the kitchen.
Sitting at the kitchen table, Rachel watched as Samuel opened the pantry door. He found some gauze and alcohol. Dipping the gauze in alcohol, he lightly dabbed it on her forehead. She winced in pain and grabbed his hand. He blew lightly on the wound, making the stinging go away.
“The next time you need help, please ask. I promise you that I will not read anything into it,” he whispered, his fingers coming back to clean her wound.
She closed her eyes tightly and winced again.
“We are a couple, Rachel,” his voice came as a raspy whisper, and Rachel’s pulse raced.
Rachel didn’t feel the pain anymore. She only noticed Samuel.
“You are too precious to me to have anything happen to you. I can’t see you in pain,” he said as he finished treating her injury.
She nodded as she looked into his eyes. Hating him wasn't changing anything; he was still kind and treating her well. He hadn't overstepped his boundaries and had respected everything she asked from him. Her bitterness was only making her miserable. The guilt for being disloyal to John was still at the forefront of her mind, but she had to be honest with herself: she was starting to have feelings for Samuel. Rachel prayed that Gott would guide her and show her the way.
6
“The Russians have discovered three more camps. It made the evening paper yesterday. I don’t know what is going to happen,” said an older man as he wiped the sweat of his brow.
Samuel was working with a group of men at the Yoder’s farm. Mr. Yoder had been ill the past few weeks, so Samuel and some of the other men had decided to help harvest the hay in the Yoder’s fields. As they worked, the news of the world inevitably came up.
“Even with the war, the Nazis are still making front page news with their killings,” a young man replied.
“You tell us, Samuel. You have participated in it and have firsthand experience. What was the war like? What were the Nazis like?” asked one of the elderly men named, Joseph.
Samuel was aware that there were many Amish who disapproved that he participated in the war and was a part of violence, but he felt like they deserved the truth.
“It was worse than what you heard in the news, Joseph. It was awful.” Samuel shuddered involuntarily; just the thought of it brought him pain.
“Do you think they are going to do anything? They already treat us with so much anger,” someone asked as Samuel looked at the faces around him.
They all had the same fearful look in their eyes.
“I don’t know why they don’t leave us alone. We are peaceful; we always have been,” said a young man that answered to the name Benjamin, or Ben for short.
“Their sons, husbands and brothers lost their lives in the war, Ben. I think they don’t see any reason why most of our men did not go and fight. Now with this news of the German atrocities, I am afraid that we will catch the brunt of their anger,” said Joseph, Samuel’s nearest neighbor.
By dusk, the men were finished for the day. Samuel headed back home to Rachel, hoping that she would offer some sort of kindness, but expecting her to be distant as usual.
As he assumed, Rachel was cold in her greeting, but Samuel was grateful that she greeted him. It was a new development. Samuel found comfort in her company, even though she was never kind to him. Her presence in his house brought him a peace that he had not experienced in many years, since before the war. He wasn’t having as many nightmares, and sleep was coming to him easily. The storm inside him was settling. He believed Rachel helped put his mind at ease.
At dinner that evening, he spoke to her even though he was never assured of getting a response, “Esther and Amos are going to need help raising a barn this Saturday. I told Amos we'd be there."
As always, he tried to make conversation at the dinner table. Rachel didn’t reply. They both reached for a slice of bread at the same time. It would have gone unnoticed, except the emotions behind their accidental touch was much deeper than either one cared to admit. He looked at Rachel who immediately pulled her hand back.
He took a chance, and said, “I wonder what it would take for you and I to be friends? You don’t have to love me, but treat me as a brother or a friend.” He gave her a wistful look.
Rachel gazed back at him, but didn’t answer. She liked the idea of a friendship, but he had already forced marriage. If she gave in a little bit, would he try to take more?
After dinner, when Rachel went to her bedroom, Samuel checked the locks and then blew all the kerosene lamps out, leaving just one lit in the corridor. He slumped on his bed and closed his eyes. Every night he faced the possibility that the nightmares would return, but he hadn’t had on in a while. Still, there were nights he felt vulnerable. He prayed to Gott, and then thought of Rachel and her calm presence. Soon he drifted to sleep.
He awoke with a jolt to the sound of screams and loud voices. His first thought went to Rachel. He rushed towards her room, and before he could barge in, she opened the door with a terrified expression on her face. She didn’t have time to pin her hair up, and for the first time, he was seeing her long brown hair that fell softly around her shoulders. She was a vision, but he did not have time to dwell on that thought.
“What is it?” she asked him.
“I don’t know. Something is going on outside.”
Samuel lit a lamp and walked towards the door. The voices outside were getting louder. Rachel followed him. He unlocked the door and was greeted by dark smoke and flames belching from somewhere nearby.
“You stay in here and lock up after me. I’ll go check. Don’t let anyone come in unless it’s me,” he said to Rachel.
Samuel started to walk away when she called his name. He halted. If it had been some other time, he would have cherished this moment. For the first time, she had called his name without a trace of hatred in it. Yes, it was filled with fear, but at least it was without any negative emotion linked to him.
“Jah?”
She looked at him but said nothing. He sensed that she wanted to say something, but he didn’t ask.
“Please, go inside, Rachel. I don’t want you out here in danger.”
Rachel nodded and then retreated inside. He stayed there until she had locked the door.
The Amish community had been attacked. A group of extremists had set his nearest neighbor, Joseph’s, barn on fire and smashed a couple of windows. Samuel helped the other men put the fire out. He noticed that one of the walls had ‘traitor’ painted on it.
“What are they going to achieve from doing this? Isn’t the violence of war enough?” Joseph’s wife was sobbing, and another elderly woman was consoling her.
When the danger was over, and the fire was reduced to embers, Samuel left and started walking back to his house. He needed to be with Rachel and assure her that he was going to protect her and never let anyone harm her.
He knocked on the door. She didn’t open it. He went to the window and called. “Please open the door, Rachel. It’s me.”
The door finally opened with a creak after long thirty seconds. A very petrified and fear-stricken Rachel opened the door slightly and peeked out.
“Samuel?” she called to confirm in a small voice.
“It’s me, it’s all right now,” he answered softly.
Samuel stepped in and closed the door behind him. The foyer was dimly lit by the lamp which he had left on earlier.
Before he could say a word, Rachel threw her arms around him. She was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.
Samuel held her tightly and said in a soothing voice, “It’s fine. I’m here. You are safe,” he kissed the tip of her head.
After a couple of minutes, Rachel stepped back from him, and he expected her to snap at him like she always did. He was surprised when she tucked her hair behind her ear and shifted from one foot to another. His heart started to beat furiously.
