What He Always Knew (What He Doesn't Know Duet Book 2)

by Kandi Steiner

  My shield dropped a little then. “Is she okay?”

  Cameron walked over to lean against the wooden railing on my porch, crossing his arms over his chest. “She’s fine. At least, she’s as fine as she can be in the situation we’ve put her in.”

  “I didn’t put her in any kind of situation,” I defended. “You’re the one who made her wait two months, to give you a chance or whatever.”

  “Like you wouldn’t fight for her if you were in my shoes.”

  “I wouldn’t have lost her in the first place.”

  Cameron’s nose flared at that, his jaw tight, and I would have bet money that he was two seconds away from charging me. But instead, he blew out a long breath, gazing out over my front yard.

  “I didn’t come here to fight you,” he said, his voice resigned.

  And as much as I hated the man, I felt a little sorry for him in that moment. I never considered how he felt, how it would be to see his wife with another man, to know he was losing her to him.

  If I was being honest, I didn’t care because he’d betrayed her first — not just with turning his back on her after their children passed, but by cheating on her, too. Still, I knew what it felt like to fuck up and then have to stare at the consequences of those decisions as they unfolded.

  “So, why did you come, then?”

  Cameron squinted against the sun, still looking out over my yard and past it, off into the distance.

  “You don’t know me,” he said first, his tone careful and calculated. “I know you think you do, but you don’t. To you, it probably seems like I’m a selfish man, one who took his sweet, caring wife for granted. I bet you think I’m a man who never imagined she’d leave me, who didn’t see any other man as a threat, who never once considered what it would be like to lose her. But, you’re wrong.”

  I finally stepped onto the porch with Cameron, letting the screen door close behind me. I still kept my distance, though, standing tall against my house while he stayed against the railing.

  “I always knew what I had with Charlie,” he continued. “I always knew how special she was, from the very first moment I met her. It’s why she was the first woman I let inside my head, inside my heart, and why I was scared every single day regardless of the fact that she swore she loved me. Because I’m fucked up,” he admitted, those words riding out on a laugh. “I’m fucked up and I know it, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how she managed to see through that and find a good man in me. Or why she married me, or stayed with me. But she did.” He looked at me then. “Until you.”

  “I didn’t change anything when I came into town, Cameron,” I said. “I just gave her someone to talk to, someone who would actually listen. And I loved her the way she deserved to be loved. I let her see another life, one she could live, if she wanted to.”

  “That may be the way you see it,” Cameron acknowledged. “But, I love her, too. And I’ve loved her in a way you haven’t yet, in a way you can only imagine. I loved her on the hardest days of her life and some of the best ones, too. I loved her in the way you love someone you build a life with, the way you love someone you build a family with.” He swallowed. “It doesn’t matter if our boys didn’t get the chance to live. We had a family, one we built together, and then we had to love each other through that loss, too.”

  “Except you abandoned her,” I reminded him. “You left her to grieve on her own. You shut her out, and then, you cheated on her.”

  Cameron’s eyes widened at that, shock flashing in them. He was surprised she’d told me, at least, that’s what I guessed. And that only made me stand taller.

  He clenched his jaw, looking back over the yard.

  “Look, I didn’t come here to defend myself, either — or to try to change your perception of me. You have your mind made up about the kind of man I am just like I have mine made up about you. But I do need you to understand me when I say that I love my wife,” he said. His voice broke a little at the end, and he turned to face me, his eyes hard on mine. “And I will love her every day until I take my last breath, just like I vowed to eight years ago.”

  “And I’ve loved her since I was a teenager,” I told him. “We can go tit for tat all day here, Cameron. You love her, I love her, we both think we deserve her over the other. You keep saying you didn’t come here to fight, so just get to the point, already.”

  Cameron stood, uncrossing his arms. “The reason I reminded you that I love her, that I always will, is because I cannot pretend that there isn’t a very large chance that my wife will not be mine anymore after today.”

  A cool breeze swept between us, like the Earth was listening, like it needed to cool the tension before it was too hot not to explode.

  “Charlie could choose you,” he said, and my heart thumped hard in my chest.

  She could choose me.

  God, I hoped she would.

  “And if she does,” he continued. “Then I will bow out gracefully. I will wish you both the best, pack my bags, and be gone. I won’t bother her, I won’t fight you, and I won’t beg for more time. She gave me what I asked of her,” he said. “And she knows her heart better than both of us. She knows what, and who, will make her happy.” He shrugged. “And that’s all I want. More than the breath in my own lungs, I want Charlie’s happiness.”

  “As do I.”

  Cameron nodded, as if he didn’t doubt me one bit. “Then, you’ll understand why I came today. Because if she does choose you, Reese, then I need you to be everything she wants and desires in life. I need you to promise me, right here and now, that you will never intentionally hurt her, that you will always put her first, that you will listen to what she doesn’t even say out loud. Charlie is so selfless, so kind and caring, that sometimes she forgets to love herself and put her first. I need you to be the man to do that. I need you to be the one who makes her laugh on the bad days, and the one who lets her cry on the worst, and—”

  “So, be all the things you couldn’t be?”

  Cameron still had his mouth open, but his tangent died on his tongue. His jaw clenched with his eyes still on me, and he took another deep breath, shaking his head.

  “I guess so,” he said after a moment, his voice low. “Charlie deserves the greatest love of all time. I think that’s one thing you and I can both agree on. So, I’m just saying, if you’re the one she chooses…” He swallowed, like the possibility of it was enough to make him physically ill. It was the same for me.

  “Love her like she deserves,” I finished for him.

  Cameron’s eyes softened a little, and he nodded.

  In that moment, we were just two men who understood each other, who were in very different shoes yet nearly the same. We recognized each other’s battles, each other’s wounds, and perhaps there was even a level of respect present on that porch where we stood.

  As much as he irritated me, Cameron had put his pride aside to come to my house. He was being a man, coming to me as an opponent, seeing the worthiness in me and the possibility that he could lose to me.

  And more than that, he was here for Charlie.

  I could see that most of all. He loved Charlie enough to accept the fact that he could lose her, and if that was the case, that he would wish the best for her, even still.

  I respected him, but I still didn’t have to like him.

  “Look,” I said to Cameron. “I don’t have much to say to you. Honestly, I just don’t think you deserve Charlie and I never have — not since the moment I came back into town and saw a lifeless shell in the place of a girl who used to be full of so much light. And I’m not saying you stole all of that away,” I clarified. “But, I do think you were part of it. And I want you to know if she chooses you, and you hurt her again, I will literally murder you.”

  Cameron chuffed, as if the possibility were ludicrous, but I narrowed my eyes more.

  “I’m serious.”

  We stared at each other, each of us standing tall and square.

  “But, if s
he chooses me, I promise you I will treat her right. I have never loved another the way I love Charlie, and I know I never will again. So, I will treat her like the air I’m lucky to breathe, and I’ll show her every day how much she means to me. I will give her everything she wants and needs, and I will not lose her the way you did,” I said, and Cameron swallowed, his demeanor breaking a little. “You have my word.”

  He stared at me, like he was looking for a sign of weakness, a glimpse of what could be a lie. I knew he found nothing when he simply nodded, making his way toward the stairs of the porch.

  “Then I guess there’s nothing left to say,” he said, and he held out his hand for mine.

  I took his hand in a firm grip, shaking it just twice.

  “May the best man win,” I said.

  Cameron smirked, shaking his head as he pulled his hand away.

  “The best man for her isn’t even playing, Reese,” he said, making his way down the stairs. “If he was, neither of us would stand a chance.”

  When Cameron pulled away, I watched him go, thinking over what he’d said. He didn’t think either of us was the man for Charlie, that we deserved her, or that we were what she deserved.

  But I knew better. I knew in my heart that I would make her happy — happier than she’d ever been, than she ever knew she could be.

  Cameron was wrong.

  And I swore to myself that if Charlie chose me, I would prove it.

  Charlie

  Just like Reese promised me, he gave me space and time to think.

  I knew it had to be killing him, sitting at home after what happened last night at the gala, not knowing what I was thinking.

  Reese was so unlike Cameron in that respect. Communication was key for him, and he needed it from me to feel safe. Last night, I hadn’t been able to give him anything.

  I still wasn’t sure I could.

  But, whether I was ready or not, my decision had to be made. Not just because of the time I’d promised Cameron, but because it wasn’t fair of me to have both of the men I love tangled up in this mess with me. They deserved to know where they stood, no matter where that was. They deserved my respect and my honesty.

  But before I could be honest with them, I had to be honest with myself.

  I rode with the radio off the entire drive down to Jeremiah’s house. They were rebuilding it right on the same lot where his old one had stood, and today was the day they broke ground. All of the top associates of Reid’s Energy Solutions would be there, including my father and my husband, and I’d get to see the light in Jeremiah’s eyes as work began to bring his home back to life.

  It should have been a happy day. It should have been a perfect day, one filled with only thankfulness and joy, but I’d lost the right to feel either of those emotions. The more I drove, the longer I sat in silence, the more I realized how uncomfortable I was in my own skin.

  I just couldn’t shake the disbelief, or the new reality I’d found myself in. I was a broken record, stuck on the same track, constantly repeating the phrase how can this be?

  On top of not even knowing who I was anymore, I had to search within myself to find the answer — an answer that seemed to elude me as much as the night eludes the sun.

  Where did my happiness lie — with the boy I loved as a child, one who brought me back to life, or with the man I married, one whom I built my current life with?

  In my heart, I already knew the answer, though I was scared to say it out loud. And more than that, I wondered if I even deserved what made me happy, anymore. How had I allowed myself to be with both of them the way I had, to enjoy their company, their love, all the while knowing I would hurt one of them in the end?

  There was a constant ache in my chest, weighing down like an anvil of guilt. I pressed my fingers into that ache as I drove, but no pressure could relieve it. Nothing would make it better, make me better, make us better until I owned up to my feelings and I made a decision.

  And the first thing I needed to admit to myself was that though I was disappointed in my actions, they had all been made with my heart and soul. I had listened to myself, to what I wanted and needed in the moments when I took them.

  There was a reason I was still able to sleep at night, and when I searched below that guilt, below that shame, I found the answer — I did truly believe I deserved to be happy.

  I had flaws, just like any other woman, and mine had been displayed on the highest shelf over the past few months. I had let my natural state of selflessness and care be overshadowed by the selfish wants and needs I’d always ignored. I’d let the monster inside me break free, let her roam wild, taking what she wanted with little care to how it affected those around her.

  But I was a good woman, a good wife, a good teacher and daughter and, soon, I would be a good mother, too.

  As my own mother once told me, we all fall from time to time. We are all sinners. We all make mistakes. But today, I would right my wrongs, and I would make my choice, and I would accept the consequences as they came.

  When I pulled into the lot where everyone else had parked, I could already see the crowd forming around the podium Reid’s Energy Solutions had set up. There was just a lot of dirt behind it, and an entire row of shovels was propped against the workers’ shed, hard hats hanging on each of them. I watched from the car as the people milled around, shaking hands and chatting, news crews setting up their cameras for the speech my father would make. And instead of getting out of the car, I called Reese.

  “Charlie?”

  “Hey,” I breathed. It was the same sigh of relief from his end, that connection between us fixed just with one call.

  “I didn’t think you’d call…”

  “I know, I’m sorry,” I started, still staring out the windshield at everyone working before me. I spotted my Mom and Dad talking with the mayor first, and I knew Cameron had to be close. “Thank you, for giving me the time I asked for. The space.”

  “Can you come over?”

  “Not yet,” I answered. “I’m at the groundbreaking of Jeremiah’s house. But… I’ll come later. Tonight.”

  “Okay,” he said, and I felt the questions hanging in the silence between us. He wanted to know my decision. He wanted to know everything I was thinking. But, I wasn’t ready to voice the thoughts I had.

  The truth was, I didn’t trust them — not yet. There was something inside me holding back, keeping my words as prisoners along with my heart.

  “I should go.”

  “Wait,” he said. “Can you do something for me first?”

  My eyes caught on Cameron across the yard, though his were locked on the woman he was talking to. She was flanked by a cameraman, her hand wrapped around a microphone as she spoke with Cameron, and I watched them as I answered Reese.

  “Anything.”

  “Close your eyes,” he said. “And I mean it, really close them.”

  I chuckled, doing as he said. “They’re closed.”

  “Okay. Now, I want you to come away with me, just for one moment. I want you to lie under the sheets of that fort we built together. Remember the candles, the wine? Remember the warmth when you curled into me, when my arm was around you?”

  I smiled, feeling the sunshine through my windshield as the same warmth I remembered in Reese’s arms. “I remember.”

  “Remember how it felt the first time we kissed,” he whispered. “The first time we really kissed, when we had each other after years and years of wanting. Do you remember how it felt to have my hands on you, to touch me, to have me as your own?”

  It was easy to remember — so much so that I knew I’d never forget it, not as long as I lived. When he touched me for the first time, he washed me clean like an avalanche, leaving behind the same woman, yet one who was forever altered. I could still feel that charge of energy, that burst of heat, that overwhelming sensation of being right.

  “I do,” I answered.

  “Do you remember the song?” he asked, and on cue, that soft melody t
hat played in my dreams filtered through the speaker of my phone. I smiled, leaning my head back against the head rest, remembering him playing shirtless at his piano like it was happening right now.

  “I remember it all,” I told him, voice soft as I listened to the song playing. “Every second.”

  “That happiness you felt with me, Charlie,” Reese said, his hands still working the keys. “It was real. It may not have been at the time you expected it, the time you felt was right. It may have even felt wrong. But the love I have for you is the kind that cannot be tamed, the kind that cannot be told what rules to follow or what lines to stay within. The love you have for me is the same.”

  I kept my eyes closed, smiling though tears pricked behind my lids. I felt his every word like a muscle under my own skin — they were strong, undeniable and true.

  “I know what I’m asking isn’t easy,” he said. “Asking you to love me when you’ve promised to love another, it isn’t fair. But Charlie, it is right. You and me? We are right. We may have missed an earlier opportunity, we may have led lives away from each other, but just like you said the night you came to me…”

  “I’m the river,” I finished for him.

  “And I, the ocean. It all comes back to us in the end, Charlie. It always has, and it always will.”

  I choked on something between a laugh and a sob, finally letting my eyes flutter open.

  “You don’t need to say anything right now, okay? I’ll wait here for you. I will wait as long as you ask me to.”

  I shook my head, that ache pinging to life in my chest. “I love you, Reese.”

  “I know,” he said softly. “And I love you, Charlie. I always will.”

  I didn’t say another word, just listened to the last of his song, the notes of it sounding through my soul. When the last one played, I closed my eyes again, imagining Reese at his piano. And as I ended the call, letting my phone fall in my lap, I pictured myself sitting there on top of it, too.

  The sound of my car door opening made me jump, and my eyes shot open again, finding Cameron standing above me. His eyes fell to the phone in my lap before they found mine, and he forced a smile, holding his hand down for mine.