Broken Man

by Christopher Scott

Don’t leave, Amanda. It can’t end this way.

  * * *

  Amanda stood up to leave the stage, having stayed for a couple minutes longer than she intended, holding on to one final hope that he might show up.

  But, he hadn’t, and it was time for her to accept her fate and move on with her life. She was never going to find love, and it was time to find happiness in other things, her work, her friends, her accomplishments. As she walked off the back of the stage, she tried to focus on the positives, but felt the tears roll down her face as she realized this day of celebration had turned into one of the worst days of her life.

  Why had he even come by the night before? What was he trying to prove? That he didn’t love her, that he had broken her heart for good, that she would remember him for the rest of her life.

  She had still retained hope until she heard those final words emanating from his mouth. Why had she allowed herself to think that this time would be different? Why had she allowed herself to become so attached to him? Was she ever going to learn?

  I am so in love with him, she again remembered why this time was different. The way that I feel about him, even now, is indescribable. I can’t believe we are not going to be together, that I am never going to see him again, Amanda felt the pain surge through her body. Why can’t he just talk to me, I know we can work everything out, she again heard herself crying.

  I need to get out of here, Amanda picked up the pace as she walked towards her car. I am going to remember him for the rest of my life, she realized as she recalled running out of the poker room the night before, her manager not having the heart to discipline her after seeing her tears, instead sending her home early on her last night. I will never forget the way he made me feel, the way that he loved me, the way that he hurt me

  Amanda finally got to her car, and immediately wished she had packed the last of her things before she left that morning. She didn’t want to go back to that apartment, to the memories of being so close, to the memories of feeling so alone. Just get me out of here, she thought as she opened her door.

  * * *

  “Amanda,” Jack called to her as he watched her open the door to her car.

  “Jack,” she turned to him in shock as he finally caught up to her.

  “I’m sorry I missed your graduation,” he tried to lighten the mood by smiling at her. “Last second change of plans.”

  “That’s okay,” she looked reluctant to give him a chance and he could tell she was trying not to cry. “I’m glad you made it.”

  “Look, don’t get mad at me, but I am sorry about last night. That was unfair of me to do, especially at work. Do you think we can go somewhere and just sit down and talk.”

  He watched as she considered his proposal, apparently unwilling to be hurt again. Please give me another chance, he thought as she decided his fate, I need to make this right.

  “I think that will be okay,” she finally provided him some relief. “Why don’t you follow me back to my apartment so I can drop off my car. I will meet you outside.”

  “Thanks, Amanda,” he smiled as he held her hand as she got into her car. “I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.”

  * * *

  Amanda made sure to beat Jack back to the apartment, thankful to avoid the awkwardness of him coming up and the memories that would surely make her emotional.

  She quickly checked her hair and makeup in the mirror as she considered changing her summer dress. What was the rule about white again, she asked herself, not before Memorial Day and not after Labor Day. I don’t care, she decided as she grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

  This is your last chance, she refused to give up although all signs indicated she should. She knew he was just trying to make amends one more time, the gentleman in him not able to leave after the night before. He had not given any indications that this meeting meant anything else.

  Don’t get emotional, she reminded herself as she walked outside. You have said your peace, he knows where you stand. It is his turn to talk, his turn to try to salvage something out if this relationship. It is your turn to listen. This is going to be hard, she realized as she watched him pull up in front of the building.

  This is going to be the most important conversation of my life.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jack was grateful for the first warm day of the spring as they sat at a outdoor boardwalk cafe, the late afternoon breeze gently billowing through her hair, the setting sun glowing on her skin.

  He watched as she sipped her Chardonnay and smiled at him, a stunning contrast from the night before, the wine making her a little bit tipsy. Maybe this second bottle of wine will help, Jack thought to himself as he admired the glitter of her eyes as she waited for his next topic of conversation. She is so beautiful, yet so far silent, and she is definitely leaving it up to me to set the course for the evening, for their relationship, for their future.

  Where are you going to start, Jack, the small talk is over. You’ve had dinner, you’ve talked about poker, the weather, baseball, graduation, her plans for the future, you can’t dodge the subject any longer. She is leaving whether you like it or not, and you have this one final chance to leave on good terms.

  “Amanda,” he tried to find an entry point. “I know I screwed things up, and I know you don’t understand, but I really hope we can remain friends in the future,” he started so pathetically he wished he could rewind. “What I am trying to say is that while I am not ready for a relationship, I truly value our friendship and don’t want to lose that.”

  The deafening silence of her response told him he needed to do better.

  Jack fidgeted in his chair as he took another sip of wine and looked down at his empty plate. “Let’s just say I do have feelings for you,” he tried a little little harder as he again looked at her for a reaction. “And, let’s assume you also have feelings for me. Don’t you think we need to give it some more time to see if it is real, to see if it will last. Couldn’t we be feeling this way because we were both going through a difficult time in our lives and were both looking for something to give us comfort, to make us feel better.”

  More silence.

  Jack smiled as tried to regroup, tried to find some kind of logic. This isn’t easy, he thought to himself as he prepared his next argument.

  “Look, Amanda,” he finally had to be honest. “I admit to having feelings for you, and I am so sorry for what I said. Do you think we can just give it a little time, and maybe in a couple months when you establish yourself and I get back in my routine, maybe then we can give it another chance.”

  “That might work, Jack,” she finally responded as he made a breakthrough.

  “Thank you, Amanda,” he smiled as he again tried to lighten the mood. “I didn’t think you could speak anymore.”

  “I didn’t think you could say anything intelligent anymore,” she retorted. “You know what I like about you, Jack. You are the only person I know who is more screwed up than me.”

  “Well, thanks, I guess,” he smiled at her insult. “So, we are all set then.”

  “We are not nearly set, Jack,” she smiled but didn’t let him off the hook that easily. “We have much more to talk about before I leave, and if you think getting me drunk is going to get you out of it, you are kidding yourself.”

  “Guilty as charged,” he smiled at her sense of humor, pleased to be friends again. “So, what do you want to do.”

  “Well, I think I have had enough wine, but my coffee pot isn’t packed yet. Let’s go back to my apartment to have some coffee and finish this conversation. Then, if you are lucky, I will let you help me finish packing the car, and we can exchange numbers and be on our way,” she teased him again.

  “Sounds like a plan,” he enjoyed her teasing as he paid the bill.

  * * *

  So far, so good, Amanda thought to herself as she opened the door to her apartment.

  At least he is trying, she smiled at the awkwardness of their conversation on t
he boardwalk. At least he had finally acknowledged having feelings for her. I need to stick with this strategy and let him lead the conversation. Don’t let your emotions throw it off course, she reminded herself as she closed the door behind them and they were suddenly alone in her apartment.

  “Amanda, what happened, all of your stuff is gone,” his voice echoed in the emptiness of her apartment.

  “I told you I was leaving today, Jack. Didn’t you believe me.”

  “Of course I believed you,” he smiled as he sat down on the edge of her bed. “I just didn’t think you would have everything done so quickly.”

  “Early bird gets the worm,” she replied as she filled up the coffee pot in the sink. “After I finished presenting my thesis on Tuesday, school was more or less done. So, I pretty much put everything into storage and got ready to go.”

  “Doesn’t it make you sad at all,” he looked at her for a reaction. “Leaving so quickly after having lived here your entire life.”

  “Haven’t really thought about it too much,” she replied as she turned the coffee pot on. “My mind has been on other things.”

  “So, where are you planning to go,” he ignored her hint.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she replied as she sat down next to him on the bed. “I haven’t really thought about that too much either. I have just been really busy, but I am sure all those thoughts will hit me when I am on the road,” she said as she shifted her body towards him. “Right now, I just want to get in my car and drive until I find somewhere I might like to be.”

  Amanda watched as he shifted his body uncomfortably as her leg softly touched his and he thought about what to say. Maybe we should have stayed at the restaurant and gotten drunk, she thought to herself as she again moved her leg against his. This would be easier.

  “Well, it sounds like you have a plan,” he said as he gave up trying to escape the touch of her leg. “Or at least a plan to not have a plan.”

  “I have had a plan my entire life,” she smiled as she thought of her freedom. “I just want to take a month to decompress and see some of the country. I think it would be good to clear my mind before I start working.”

  “I agree,” he finally seemed comfortable with the touch of her leg on his. “But, I do want you to be careful traveling by yourself.”

  “I will be, Jack,” she smiled as she appreciated his concern. “So, what are you going to do.”

  “I guess I am going to go back to South Florida and return to the resort. I called the owner this morning, and I am all set to start on Tuesday.”

  “That’s good, she replied, disappointed that he had already made plans. “And, what are you going to do then?”

  His eyebrow slowly raised and his head tilted to the side as he tried to figure out where she was going with her line of questioning. “What do you mean?”

  “Jack, you are here with me for a reason,” she took him by the hand and looked into his eyes to try to make him understand. “You didn’t want to leave, and that’s why you came back. Going back to South Florida isn’t going to solve your problems, so I want to know. What are you going to do when you get there and you are right back to where you were a few months ago?”

  Amanda watched the tears form in his eyes as he squeezed her hand and she suddenly saw the despair she had seen once before. I have gone too far, she panicked as she quickly tried to find a way to not let him leave. I am not going to let that happen again, Amanda decided as she stood up to block his exit as he struggled to find an answer to her question.

  Then, she kissed him. First on his forehead, cradling his head against her body like a mother trying to make her son feel better, trying to make his pain go away. Then, she kissed him again, looking into his eyes and feeling the softness of his mouth, gently letting him know that she was there for him, there to listen, there to feel his pain and to comfort him. Finally, she closed her eyes and kissed him more deeply, her body moving against his, unable to hide the way she would heal him, the way she would help him move on with his life and forget about the past.

  He finally gave in, his mind no longer able to resist, his emotions losing the battle. Amanda felt him return her kiss and his body relax as she touched his cheek and felt the pain running down his face. She enjoyed the taste of his tears as she moved her mouth to his neck and sensed everything he was feeling, everything he had gone through. As she felt his body tense up at the feel of her touch, she removed his clothes slowly, careful not to surprise him, careful not to scare him away.

  Her mouth returned to his, and his hands found the straps of her shoulders, her dress falling easily to the floor, his mouth moving naturally to her breast. As he softly suckled her nipple, his hands moved to her legs, and she quivered as he touched her ever so lightly, his fingers teasing her inner thigh until they lovingly moved between her legs. Slowly, he moved his hand, letting her adjust to his touch and direct him to where she needed him to be as the pressure increased and his caress brought her to the edge.

  She closed her eyes and her fingers dug into his shoulders as she hung on for dear life until she finally grabbed his hand and made him stop. Her body ready to accept him, Amanda anticipated what he might do next as he stood up erect and kissed her softly as her hand reached down to touch him. Excited at the thought of finally making love to him, she gently massaged him as her tongue moved slowly into his mouth and he somehow continued to grow.

  He can do anything he wants with me, she thought as he placed his hands on her hips and turned her around to face the bed. Just take me Jack, her knees buckled and she lost her breath when he touched her again, his body pressing against her as she grabbed onto the bed for support.

  Her senses going crazy and all of her inhibitions gone, Amanda was deflated when he turned her around to face him and gently laid down with her, his mouth again finding hers. This kissing is nice, but I need more, her body tensed up after they had just come so close and she remembered their last unconsummated encounter. Fortunately, Jack seemed to read her mind as he finally stopped kissing her, and she knew he was ready when she opened her eyes and saw how he looked at her.

  He looked at her in a way in which she had never been looked, thankful for her love, needing to be with her. The first touch so exciting, she readied herself to accept him, to let him know how much he was loved. As she felt him move closer, her entire body relaxed as he looked directly into her eyes and finally said the words she needed to hear.

  “Amanda, I love you.”

  Amanda stared back at him as her eyes filled with tears and she accepted him into her body, her fingers tensing on his lower back, a soft gasp escaping her mouth as he joined her completely.

  “I love you too, Jack.”

  They moved slowly and tenderly, both them out of practice, neither wanting to hurt the other. Finding their rhythm, his hands moved to her bottom, and as he held her more firmly against him, she closed her eyes but couldn’t return his kiss, her mind distracted by what was about to come. The intensity building, she felt every movement of his being as she slowly reached her peak, her legs vibrating against him, her mind and her body for the first time able to fully release.

  The excitement too much, the moment too long coming, Amanda heard herself cry out as she felt him explode inside of her.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “I love you, Jack,” Amanda smiled at him as she rested her head on his chest.

  “I love you, too,” the words suddenly seemed so natural coming out of his mouth. “Thank you so much for not giving up on me, for fighting so hard.”

  “I didn’t have a choice,” she looked at him to see if he understood.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I knew I was in love with you the first time I met you,” she whispered to him. “People can laugh or say what they want about destiny and fate, but I know you were truly my destiny. I know that God brought us together for a reason, for us to heal, for us to love.”

  Jack thought about the feeling he had experienced a
s they made love. It had felt like destiny, he remembered the sensation of entering her body, the way that she looked into his eyes as she told him she loved him. It had seem to be fate, the way they had met on Christmas, a chance encounter at the poker table after a spur of the moment thousand mile journey.

  “I think I knew that as well,” he returned to the present and kissed her gently on the forehead. “But, I was in too much pain to see it, to let it happen. I honestly tried, but my mind couldn’t let go of her, I couldn’t move on,” he paused as he thought of Brittany.

  “I understand, Jack,” she said as she rolled over onto his body and looked directly into his eyes. “Do you want to talk about her.”

  Jack still wasn’t sure he could talk about her, and he paused to collect his memories. “She was an amazing woman. Smart, beautiful, talented, a great mother. You remind me so much of her.”

  “How do you mean, Jack?”

  “It’s your spirit, your independence, your perseverance, even your flaws. A lot of people are just drifting through life, doing what they are told, no real passion or spirit to drive them, almost as if it was beaten out of them, if that makes any sense.”

  “I think it does,” she responded as he remembered what he loved about both of these women.

  “But, you are different. No matter how bad things got for you, no matter hard it was, you just kept trying, kept plugging away. It’s amazing what you have accomplished in your life considering the circumstances from which you came. You should be very proud of all that you have done.”

  “Thank you, Jack,” she smiled as she accepted his compliment. “I was very lucky to have a wonderful grandmother growing up. She not only loved me, but she also taught me so much. About responsibility, about free will, about self-accountability. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for her.”

  “I wish I could have met her, she sounds like an amazing woman.”

  “She was amazing,” Amanda agreed as he felt her getting emotional. “She just had a different way of looking at life, not held back by any restraints or worried about what people might think. She had her own code, her own thoughts on what was right and wrong, on how life should be lived, and she passed it on to me. She really was ahead of her time.”