Revenge of the Spellmans

by Lisa Lutz

  “For instance?” I asked.

  “Maggie asked me if I’d buy Rae a car.”

  “Aha, now I have my explanation. It seems odd that Rae would think that having Maggie do her bidding would change the outcome.”

  “What’s ridiculous is Rae thinking that somebody is going to buy her a car when she has close to fifty thousand dollars in a brokerage account.”

  “What?!” I shouted in utter disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

  David furrowed his brow the moment he uttered that line, as if it were a not-well-kept secret and therefore one he forgot to keep. I could see him playing out the rest of the conversation in his head, trying to calculate how to withhold any further information.

  “David,” I said as a warning. “Just spit it out so you don’t have to keep track of your lies at a later date.”

  David sighed and I waited in empty silence. I knew it was only a matter of time before he spilled the dirt, so I was patient.

  “I only heard about it a year ago,” David said as a preface, and we headed inside. “Rae has been saving all her life. She’s incredibly cheap. Haven’t you noticed? Most of what she earns goes into her savings account, and apparently six years ago she convinced Grammy Spellman 9 to open a brokerage account for her. It’s in Rae’s name, but a guardian typically has control of the money. Grammy gave Rae the password and she’s been trading stocks online for close to six years now.”

  “I still don’t understand how she got fifty thousand dollars.”

  “She started with savings of around five to ten thousand. Remember she’s been earning a paycheck since she was eleven—and that doesn’t include birthday and Christmas gifts.”

  “Or your hush money,” 10 I said.

  “I haven’t given her a cent in three years.”

  “Why would you?” I asked. “Forget it. Just explain how she parlayed five to ten thousand in savings into fifty.”

  “She bought Google and Apple stock at just the right time and then she sold it.”

  Dead, dead silence.

  “I need a drink,” I said, drifting over to David’s bar. Out of habit I poured the Jack Daniel’s, assuming it was the good stuff, and took a sip. It was like thinking you were drinking Coke and getting Diet Coke 11 instead. I’m fine with lower-grade bourbons; it’s just not what I was expecting. Like everything else. I was exhausted by secrets, my own and others’.

  I sat down on David’s couch and stared at his wall while I drank my beverage. I had an uneasy feeling in my gut, but it got worse when David painted the full picture.

  “Mom didn’t want to tell you,” he said.

  “Everyone knew but me? Why?” I asked.

  “Mom said it would upset you to know your adolescent sibling had amassed savings that beat your yearly income.”

  What my mother didn’t understand was that her pity was the most upsetting thing. I made a show of lightly brushing off this information. I finished my meal, helped wash the dishes, and when I said I had to go home, I took almost no precautions when circling David’s residence and entering through the back. It was almost as if I wanted to get caught, wanted to prove just how pathetic I really was.

  THE LAST LUNCH

  (WITH MORTY)

  I planned lunch with Morty for the following day. I’d been waiting for David to leave all morning, but at eleven A.M. he was still home, and my usual safe midday exit would have to be a risky one. I checked the hidden camera in David’s driveway one last time on my computer. Good thing I checked, since David was sitting on his porch, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. I phoned David’s cell to see if I could get him in his house. He picked up on the third ring.

  “It’s Isabel,” I said.

  “I know,” said David. “What can I do for you?”

  “I’m lost. Can you look something up on a map for me?”

  “Sure, let me get to my computer.”

  Through my laptop, I watched David enter his house. I turned off my computer and made my way to the back door.

  “I’m in the Dog Patch, around Cesar Chavez and Third Street.”

  “What are you doing there?” David asked.

  “I’m casing the neighborhood for my next B and E.”

  “If you want my help, refrain from sarcasm.”

  “I’m supposed to meet Morty for lunch on Hopper Street.”

  “Hold on,” David replied.

  This is when I made my safe exit. You see, there is no Hopper Street. It would take David some time to realize this fact. I turned the corner at the end of David’s block and walked up Hyde, closing in on the location of my car.

  “There is no Hopper Street,” David said, much sooner than I anticipated.

  “Really? Hmm,” I replied. “I better call Morty. He must have given me the wrong name. Okay, bye,” I said, and quickly hung up the phone.

  Since I last saw my ancient friend, he had not quit his habit of verbally equating moving with death. All events in the past week were accompanied by constant reminders that these precious moments we had together were coming to a quick and severe close.

  This was my final private lunch with Morty, and I have to admit, I was pleased when my habit-obsessed friend wanted to try someplace new.

  Morty isn’t a fancy man, but when I met him in the foyer of Spork 1 he was wearing a suit with a sweater vest and bow tie. I kissed him on the cheek.

  “Would it have killed you to wear a dress?”

  “No,” I replied. “But the mental injury would have been serious.”

  Morty gave his name to the maître d’, who seated us promptly—remember, this is eleven thirty A . M . We were the first customers of the day.

  After Morty and I were seated, I studied his ensemble more closely.

  “How many layers have you got on there, Morty?” I asked. If ever someone was making a statement with his fashion, it was then.

  “Undershirt, shirt, sweater vest, jacket,” he said, counting on his fingers. “Four. Let me wear my clothes while I still have the chance.”

  “People wear clothes in Florida,” I said.

  “Today I’m not talking about Florida.”

  “Fine. What would you like to talk about?” I asked.

  “I need to decide what I’m going to eat first.”

  “Stop it,” I said, referring to that annoying noise Morty makes with his teeth.

  “You’re hearing things,” Morty replied.

  Fifteen minutes later 2

  After our orders were placed, Morty took a business-sized envelope out of his breast pocket and handed it to me.

  “My days are numbered, as you know,” he said.

  “Would you please stop saying that? It’s annoying.”

  “Try being old. That’s even more annoying.”

  “You had no problem being old three months ago.”

  “Do you want to know what’s in the envelope or not?” Morty asked, folding his arms defensively.

  “Right now I’m about fifty-fifty,” I replied.

  “Fine, then give it back,” he said.

  I didn’t, of course.

  “Why don
’t I just open the envelope, and then you won’t have to tell me what’s in it?” I asked, breaking the seal.

  “Wait. I must say something first. Put the envelope down,” Morty said.

  I lowered the envelope, but I didn’t entirely release my grip.

  “Put it down all the way,” Morty repeated, getting annoyed.

  I followed his instructions because, well, I had no choice.

  “You know what’s inside that envelope?”

  “No. That’s what I’m trying to find out,” I said, attempting to move things along.

  “Eighty-four years of wisdom,” Morty replied, enunciating each word so I wouldn’t miss them.

  I stared down at the flat white envelope addressed to me. “Really?” I said. “Eighty-four years? You’d think eighty-four years would require a large box, or at least a thick manila envelope. Who knew you could fit eighty-four years into a four-by-nine-inch envelope?”

  “Don’t be smart,” Morty said.

  “Excellent advice. Is that in there?” I asked.

  Morty’s Last Words

  Beneath the morbid title was a page-long bulleted list of his carefully chosen words of wisdom. I suggested that I could read the list in the privacy of my home, but Morty insisted that I review the list in his company in case I had any questions. So I did, reading each item out loud.

  If you ever have an unusual ache or pain, go to the doctor.

  Don’t take any chances with your health.

  “It was only a month ago that I found you at home with a temperature of one-oh-three,” I said.

  “I learned from my mistakes. You can, too,” Morty replied. “Keep reading.”

  Same goes for your car. If it’s making a funny noise, go to the mechanic. Also, check the oil at least once every two months.

  Don’t eat anything after the expiration date. Except pretzels. They’re usually okay.

  “Is this a joke?” I asked.

  “A stale pretzel never killed anyone,” Morty replied.

  “Eighty-four years and this is your best material?”

  “I wrote it this morning. Keep reading.”

  When you get married, don’t make any long-term verbal contract that you’re not one hundred percent sure about.

  Make sure you have water on hand for the big quake. Also, know how to turn off the gas in your house. It was fires that killed the most people in the 1906 quake.

  “Right,” I said. “I totally forgot you were there.”

  Morty said nothing; he just gave me a dirty look and then another look that meant I haven’t got all day. Keep reading.

  Stay away from new religions. They tend to be a lot of hoo-ha. 3

  When you get old, start making friends with people younger than you so you always have at least one around.

  Morty winked when I finished reading that line.

  Always tip well unless you don’t plan on returning to the restaurant.

  Don’t drink so much.

  Always double-knot your shoelaces.

  “It’s a shock you don’t have a book deal with these kinds of gems.”

  “Shhhh. Keep reading.”

  “Do you want me to be quiet or do you want me to keep reading?”

  I continued reading the list out loud. Occasionally I’d lower my voice when the waiter was in the vicinity. There’s only so much public humiliation that I can tolerate.

  Get some fiber in your diet.

  Stay out of jail.

  “Are you giving this list to everyone, or is this my personal medley of advice?” I asked. Frankly, it was hard to tell at that point.

  “Keep reading,” Morty said as if he’d said it one hundred times before.

  If I had doubts about whether the list was generic or custom-made, the final three edicts cleared that up for me.

  Give the cop your phone number.

  Tell your dad that you’re happy to take over the business.

  Let your brother know that you’re living in his home without his consent.

  I asked repeatedly over an excellent lunch whether Morty was responsible for the series of ransom notes. His replies were as cagey as my sister’s recent pseudodenials. You will find this impossible to believe, but I left lunch that day having no idea whether Morty was or was not my blackmailer. After I kissed him good-bye and promised one final farewell, I began to seriously contemplate a conspiracy.

  Then Maggie called with her own conspiracy to discuss.

  THE PHILOSOPHER’S CLUB

  I took an unplanned nap on the Muni train and was woken by my father calling to inquire about the bizarre turn in the Truesdale case. I knew my father couldn’t resist political intrigue. I explained to Dad that I knew nothing; then I explained it using different words, since the first time around it didn’t stick. Dad asked a few more questions and reluctantly accepted that I wasn’t holding out on him.

  “If it makes you feel any better, Dad, right now I think that nobody knows anything.”

  When I arrived at the Philosopher’s Club, Maggie was on her second beer and had dipped into her pocket provisions. 1 Connor served my usual whiskey without a word. He was really growing on me. I apologized to Maggie for my tardiness and joined her.

  “You’re going to think I’m paranoid,” she said.

  “I have no business judging people on that front,” I replied.

  As she sipped her beer, I could tell she was grasping for the words that would make her sound the sanest.

  “I think someone’s investigating me,” she said. “Again.”

  “My mom and Rae both promised me that they’d stop. And my dad is kind of busy, and it’s not really his style.”

  “This time I don’t think it’s anyone in your family.”

  “Are you being followed?” I asked.

  “Not yet.”

  “Is someone looking into your personal records?”

  “I’m getting phone calls. Two so far.”

  “Harassing phone calls?”

  “Not really. Both times it was a woman’s voice and she asked me survey questions.”

  “Are you sure it’s not just a survey?”

  “I’m pretty sure. The questions aren’t normal survey questions.”

  “For instance?” I asked.

  Maggie pulled a notepad from her purse and reviewed her own scribbles, which, at least on upside-down viewing, were as illegible as hieroglyphics for one not schooled in hieroglyphics.

  “She started with legal questions, asked me if I worked pro bono; then she inquired whether I believed in the legalization of drugs, and if so, which drugs.”

  “It sounds like it could be a legitimate survey,” I interjected.

  “Then the questions changed. She asked me if I was satisfied with my work. Then she ran off a list of leisure activities, including going to the beach, movies, camping, something else I can’t remember, and asked me to rate my enjoyment of each one on a five-star scale. Then she inquired whether I was a dog or cat person.”

  “Really?” I said. “And how did you reply?”

  “Cats give me the creeps. I’m a total dog person.”

  “What else?” I asked.

  “The last question was the weirdest of all: She asked me about my favor
ite monkey, and when I said, ‘Do you mean monkey as in rhesus monkey, or Monkee as in the band the Monkees?’ she said, ‘I don’t know, let’s skip that question.’ That can’t be a normal survey,” Maggie said, looking for confirmation.

  “Yes,” I replied, confirming her suspicions. “I’ll look into this matter for you,” I said. And then my current nemesis arrived.

  As far as I knew, it had been weeks since Rae had returned to the bar. But now she walked in and sat right down like a regular, oblivious to the fact that her sister and her new friend were seated at a table nearby.

  I observed my sister for a moment before I approached. She threw her book bag on top of the bar with an air of frustration and casually ordered “the usual.” Apparently Connor was familiar with her “usual,” since he poured a large glass of ginger ale and placed it in front of her.

  “Rough day?” he asked, which took me aback. Shouldn’t this conversation have begun with “We don’t serve minors in here”?

  I quickly approached.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked Rae.

  “Unwinding,” she replied, not even turning her head.

  I sat down next to my not-yet-seventeen-year-old sister and then turned to Connor.

  “You know, in this country the drinking age is twenty-one.”

  “She’s drinkin’ ginger ale,” Connor casually replied. “When she’s done, she’ll be on er way. Right, Rae?”

  “Right,” Rae said, as if she and Connor agreed on almost everything. When Rae turned to look at me, she finally spotted Maggie.

  “Just the person I was looking for,” Rae said as she hopped off the bar stool and lugged her backpack over to Maggie’s table.

  “Five minutes and we’re leaving,” I said, to apparently deaf ears.

  Rae sat down at the table and rummaged through her backpack, eventually pulling out a recently graded essay.

  “I need a consult,” Rae said.