by Donna Alward
She set down the glass, unsure of her feelings. Relief, certainly. This had hung over her head for months, causing so much worry and fear. To know that Spence could never touch her or their child was indeed a relief. But there was sadness, too. Sadness that someone had to die for her to feel safe. She might have wished for a lot of things, and she might even had had the thought that if Spencer were dead, her worries would be over. But she hadn’t truly wished him dead. She had cared for him once. Sitting in her lawyer’s office, she realized that deep down she’d hoped he’d find a way back to being the kind, sweet man she’d first met.
If that man had ever existed.
“It seems so dramatic. Like something out of the movies or cable TV.”
“I know.” He smiled ruefully. “Laura, Gavin told me what a strong woman you are. I know you’ve done everything in order to protect your daughter, but don’t you think you can let down your guard now? Exonerate yourself—and Gavin?”
“I know.” She nodded, a lump forming in her throat. “It wasn’t fair to him, or Maddy.”
“Or you,” Richard added gently. “Now you can set the record straight.”
It was too much to process. “First, I need to let this soak in. To see how I feel. To think about what’s next.”
Next. In three days she was supposed to be marrying Tanner. Oh my God. The very reason for their marriage no longer existed. What was she going to do?
She stood and held out her hand. “Richard, I really appreciate you telling me in person. I hope you’re not offended when I say I’m glad I won’t require your services for a while. At least not in this matter.”
He stood, too, and shook her hand. “Not offended at all.”
“If your assistant could send me the final bill, that’d be great.”
“I’ll see to it. Good luck, Laura.”
“Thank you, Richard.”
She left the office, feeling as if she were walking through a dream.
Outside, the early-summer sun instantly soaked through her light shirt, intense heat in contrast to the air-conditioned comfort of the legal office. She’d gone cold inside, too, so the temperature change was drastic and very welcome. Instead of going to her car, she wandered through town until she arrived at the library. She strolled through the grass, to the bench where she and Tanner had shared doughnuts and coffee, and where she’d decided she could marry him after all.
She couldn’t marry him now. And as relieved as she was that Spence could no longer hurt her, she felt incredibly empty when she thought about Tanner not standing beside her at the gazebo on Sunday, or coming in the door at night with a smile, teasing her about her cooking or making faces at Rowan.
She had to tell him. And she needed to do it as soon as possible.
People came and went along the path; the sun moved directly overhead, then passed to her left as time slid by. A dozen possibilities and roadblocks passed through her mind, none of them clear. All she knew—all she knew—was that she must be honest with Tanner. She needed to release him from his promise. She’d lied enough over the past year and a half. It was time for truth. Only truth from now on.
Still in a relative daze, she walked back to her car and drove to pick up Rowan. She couldn’t leave her at her grandparents’ place indefinitely. Laura smiled brightly and told her grandmother everything was absolutely fine, went home and, once Rowan went down for her afternoon nap, called the ranch. Ellen informed her that the boys were out in the fields and wouldn’t be back until evening, though she could call out if there was an emergency.
Laura told Ellen it was not an emergency and she’d talk to Tanner in the evening, and then set about trying to keep busy for the rest of the afternoon.
She made dinner, which consisted of pre-breaded chicken breasts, instant rice and frozen vegetables. She certainly didn’t trust herself to make anything more involved in her state of mind. She ate alone around seven, tired of waiting and getting hungry since she’d forgotten to eat lunch. She cleaned up the mess, got Rowan ready for bed, saw daylight soften and twilight begin to move in as she tucked her daughter into bed.
The house was cloying, somehow, so she went out on the back landing. Now the space for the chair was shared with a little bucket full of clothespins, as well as a small pot of lavender, the soft scent winding its way around her as she breathed deeply of the night air.
It was nearly dark when she spotted the headlights coming down the road. They disappeared around the front of the house and then swept up the driveway. Tears sprouted in her eyes. She’d only just realized she loved him. Now she had to let him go. Perhaps it was better this way. It would hurt less in the end. Her confusion of this morning had waned and now she saw things clearly. She couldn’t go through with the wedding. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
Laura waited until she heard his voice calling her softly from inside, and then she called back, “Out here.”
The patio door slid in its track, strangely loud in the quiet of the night. “What are you doing sitting out here in the dark?” he asked.
“Just thinking. Long day for you, huh?”
“Yeah. Rain forecast for tomorrow, so we wanted to get what we’d cut baled. We worked until we practically couldn’t see anymore. Mom said you called the house looking for me.”
“I did, yeah. But I didn’t want to pull you away when they needed you.”
“What’s wrong?” He knelt beside her, put his hand on her knee. “You sound down.”
“I don’t know what I feel. Grab a chair, Tanner. We need to talk.”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“Actually, it’s good news, sort of.” She tried to smile. “It’s kind of momentous.”
He went inside and grabbed a kitchen chair and brought it out on the small landing. She was glad they were outside, where it was dark and he couldn’t see her face completely. Her expression was liable to give away her feelings and she needed him to believe her when she told him the truth about Spence.
“Okay,” he said, sitting down. “Fire away and tell me what’s got you tied up in knots.”
“I got a call from my lawyer today.”
“This is about Spencer.”
“Spence... Yes. He’s dead, Tanner. There was some sort of fight and he was stabbed.” She’d gone online to read the news and had found out that much. “I don’t have to be afraid of him anymore.”
Tanner leaned back and blew out a surprised breath. “Wow. You weren’t kidding when you said it was big news. It must be wonderful to feel safe again.”
Her smile was genuine. “Yes, yes, it does.” She sighed. “And sad, too, and a bit guilty. He made his choices, but he could have made different ones. It didn’t have to be this way, you know?” She hesitated. “And with him gone, it leaves us with having to make some choices of our own.”
There was a beat of silence. “Right. I suppose it does.”
“Tanner, the whole reason for us to get married was so I could change my name, so I could run my business and Spencer couldn’t find me when he got out. He’s not an issue now, so there’s really no reason for us to get married.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, the low, silky tone sliding over her.
No, she wasn’t damn well sure, but he didn’t love her. Like her, yes. She looked at him and her heart swelled.
“Tanner, be serious. You only wanted to get out on your own, and it was a mutually beneficial agreement.”
“Right.”
“And it’s easier to call it off now than if this had happened a week from now. Crazy timing, actually.”
Quiet descended. The only sound was the breeze through the leaves on the cottonwoods. Usually, their rustling and tinkling calmed Laura. Tonight, they made her restless.
“You’re not saying anything,” she noted softly.
“I know the timing is strange, but really, you don’t need to feel obligated anymore. Not that you were in the first place. It was incredibly generous of you to help me out of a scrape and I’ll never forget it, Tanner. I’ll make sure the dresses and everything are returned and you’re refunded every penny.” She realized she was borderline babbling, but the more she talked, the more nervous she became.
Tanner pushed back his chair with an abrasive scrape and got to his feet. “Shit, do you think I care about the damn dress?” He turned around and rested his elbows on the short railing.
“Then what do you care about, Tanner?”
In the shadows, she saw a muscle tighten in his jaw. “Is it so inconceivable that I might care about you?” he asked, but his voice was grim, not tender.
Had she actually hurt him? She’d only wanted to release him from the arrangement, to convince him that she was okay with it.
“I care about you, too, but this is marriage we’re talking about. And if we’re not doing it for... What did they used to call them? A marriage of convenience? Then why?” She placed her hand on his shoulder. “Tanner, you married for the wrong reasons before. Do you really want to do that again?”
She saw the hurt on his face, the way his lips turned down, and a rather haunted look appeared in his eyes. “You’re not Britt,” he said quietly. “You’re nothing like her.”
“Maybe not,” she whispered, “but jumping into marriage would be a mistake, don’t you think? We’d set out the rules and reasons before, but now everything’s changed. It would be wrong to go ahead with it without...love.”
There, she’d said it. Maybe if he said it to her now, she’d be able to tell him how she felt. How the last month together had made her fall in love with him, with the man he was, with the man she could see he wanted to be. How sharing in a laugh and also sharing in his pain had made her feel closer to him than she’d ever felt to another human being.
But instead, he stepped back. “You’re right, of course,” he murmured. “We started this to give you some anonymity that you don’t need anymore. It was a solution to a problem that no longer exists.”
It hurt to hear him say it, even though she’d led him to it. “Listen,” she said, “I know it’s not as cut-and-dried as it might have been. We’ve...shared things. It’s just that marriage is so huge.”
“No, I get it. It has to be for the right reasons. Before it was for the greater good. That’s all.”
She nodded, her heart hurting.
“I can move my stuff out Saturday. I was planning on taking the day before the wedding off anyway.”
Alarm shuddered through her. Right. The other benefit to their marriage was him living in her house. She would miss him so much. In just a few weeks, he’d made this place into a home. She looked forward to seeing him at the end of each day. He was someone to talk to and laugh with. Forget her deeper feelings; the basis of their relationship was friendship, and right now that seemed strained at best.
“You don’t have to go, Tanner. You could stay. We could be roommates.” It wasn’t what she wanted from him, but neither would she kick him out. Not when he’d done so much for her.
“I don’t think so, Laura. You have the ability to tell the truth about Rowan and Gavin and restore your reputation. You’ll never be able to do that if you’re living with a guy. No one will believe it’s platonic. And Gibson’s small, you know that, and old-fashioned. The whole living-together thing, it wouldn’t help your situation at all.”
“I don’t care what people think.”
“Yes,” he said, “you do.”
He didn’t say anything more, but then he didn’t have to. She did care. The only reason she hadn’t spoken up before was because she’d wanted to protect Rowan.
“You have a second chance,” Tanner finally said, in a voice that was quiet and sure in the darkness. “You can set the record straight. You can start over. No games, no lies, no fear. A lot of people would give anything to have that. Your decisions can be about what you want for the future, and not about reacting to what’s happened in the past. A fresh start, Laura. Reach out and take it.”
He was right. He was absolutely right, so why did she feel so awful?
Because she loved him. And because while he proclaimed he cared about her, he didn’t love her back.
“You don’t need to rush,” she responded, trying to keep her voice from shaking. “You can get your things whenever.”
“Thanks.”
“Where will you go?”
He gave a humorless huff. “Oh, back home at first, I suppose. And then I’ll start the apartment search again.” He straightened and shoved his hands in his back pockets. “Well, I suppose I’d better get going.”
“What?” She blinked in surprise. “You’re not going to leave now, are you?”
“Under the circumstances, I think I’ll spend the night at the ranch.”
“Tanner...”
“Don’t sweat it. I have to be there early anyway. This’ll cut down on my commute.”
Had it really only been days ago he’d said he was happy?
“Don’t you want any supper?”
The longer the conversation continued, the firmer his voice became. “I ate at Mom and Dad’s.”
That was it, then. Somehow there wasn’t anything more to say. Nothing to postpone his leaving; no more chances to be honest. It was just done.
“I’ll be around for my things,” he said, squeezing her arm briefly. “I’ll let you know when.”
All she could do was nod. She found she couldn’t speak while her heart was breaking.
He wasn’t even all the way out the front door when she began to cry.
Chapter Fourteen
A tap on the window had Tanner stirring from sleep.
Tap. Tap, tap. “Tanner. Get up.”
It was Cole. Tanner squinted against the early morning sun and tried to stretch. Oh, right. He’d spent the night in his truck because he’d been too much of a coward to go inside.
“Keep your pants on,” he grumbled, knowing Cole probably couldn’t hear him. He rubbed his hand over his face and felt the night’s growth, rough against his hand. Still groggy, he turned the key in the ignition, just enough to turn on the battery and push the button to lower the window.
“Mornin’, sunshine. Trouble in paradise before the wedding?”
He must have looked terrible, because Cole’s teasing look fled. “Oh, shit. What happened?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Is there even still a wedding?”
“Cole, please.” Dammit, even hours later he could still hear Laura crying. He’d gone out the front door, but she’d been on the back deck and he’d heard it. Faint, but unmistakable.
Stupid thing was, she was the one who’d made damn sure they didn’t go through with this thing. She’d said in no uncertain terms that the reason for their wedding didn’t exist anymore.
And then she’d cried about it. He would never, ever understand women.
With a scowl marring his face, Cole went around the front of the truck and got in the passenger side. “You been drinking? You shouldn’t be operating machinery if you’re hungover.”
“God no.” Tanner shook his head. “I came here last night, and I just couldn’t go inside. I knew you’d ask questions, that Mom would ask, and I just didn’t want to talk. So I sat here for a long time. Thinking. And I guess I fell asleep.”
Cole smiled a little. “Wouldn’t be the first time you slept in your truck.”
“Nossir.”
They shared a low chuckle, and then Cole said, “What’s going on?”
There wasn’t much point in hiding the
truth now, and besides, Cole already knew bits and pieces. “The guy—Rowan’s real father? He was in jail. He was the one killed in the prison fight that was on the news yesterday.”
“Holy shit.”
“I know. The thing is, Cole, you guys were right in the beginning. This wedding? I was doing it so she could be Laura Hudson. No one would come looking for Laura Hudson, and she could start her own business and be safe. And free.”
“Wow. Mighty nice of you, bro.”
“Shut up.” Tanner knew that knowing tone. Sometimes having a big brother was a pain.
“So the whole thing was for appearances? What was in it for you?”
Tanner sighed. “A place of my own, I guess. And I liked it, too. She’s a good roommate. A good friend.”
Cole considered for a minute. “More than a friend, Tan?”
“No.” The answer came easily enough. “But...”
“Ah,” Cole said, leaning back against the seat. “The world-famous ‘but.’”
“But she could have been. I really care about her, Cole. And if people knew her the way I know her...and that kid. She’s so damn cute. And she likes to cuddle. I wondered before how you could get so attached to Maddy’s boys, but it really isn’t hard, is it?”
Cole shook his head. “You know what? I think there’s more to it than wanting a place of your own. What’s going on with you, Tanner? You’ve been restless for months. I know you like your EMT volunteering, and you’re a good rancher, but sometimes it feels like your heart isn’t in it.”
It wasn’t an easy question to answer. It was true. He loved the ranch, but he wasn’t as passionate about it as Cole. And he did love his work as a paramedic, even if the town was so small it only warranted a volunteer service. At least he felt that he was helping people. That he was doing something meaningful.
That he had a purpose. He swallowed. There was more to him than a hick cowboy who knew how to two-step and do tequila shots. He’d spent a lot of years enjoying the single life, but once those days were done—right around the time Britt had asked for a divorce—he’d found he didn’t have much left.
