by Donna Alward
Tanner glanced at his brother. “If I’m being completely honest, the ranch is your thing. I love it, and I don’t mind the work, but it’s not really what I want. I want to feel like I’m doing something to help people. To do something important to make someone else’s life better. I know that ranching’s important, and we provide work and food and preserve the land, but it’s not the same.”
“Do you want to leave?”
“Tough questions this morning.”
“Ones that maybe needed to be asked a while ago.” Cole crossed an ankle over his knee and tapped his fingers against his thigh. “Because somewhere in all this, Laura fits in, and you need to figure out where.”
Did Tanner want to leave the ranch? Funny thing—the past month or so he’d been far happier at work. He’d caught himself whistling, or humming the tune of a recent song on the radio. There’d been that horrible day when he’d responded to the tractor rollover, but he knew that bad calls were part of the territory. Still, the good had outweighed the bad. And at night he’d gone home to Laura and Rowan.
A lump swelled in his throat. Ever since they’d made their agreement and he’d moved into her house, life had changed. It had become richer, fuller. Maybe being there, with her, was what gave him something to work for.
Her face when she’d seen him fixing the steps, or smiling at him across the table at night had filled him with a simple joy that lifted his heart. Her gentle, understanding touch had helped him get through one of the worst days of his life. She’d tried, too, to do nice things for him. Like when he’d gotten into bed after she hung sheets on the line, and he’d chuckled at the strangely placed puckers where she’d put the clothespins, or how she’d attempted to make doughnuts because she knew they were his favorite.
They’d been far more than roommates. And it had been far more than a legal name change on the line.
Cole’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle as he asked, “Do you love her, Tanner?”
Tanner’s response was ragged with emotion. “Yes, I think I do.”
Cole slapped Tanner’s leg. “Well. Hell of a thing, isn’t it? Turns a man inside out and scares him to death.”
Tanner frowned. “Don’t be so smug.”
“The way I see it, you have two choices. You can be miserable forever, or you can tell her how you really feel. Maybe she’ll send you on your way, but you won’t know until you try.”
The fact that Laura was crying last night gave him a sliver of hope. “I’ve had love kick me in the teeth before, you know. I’m not too crazy about taking a chance on a repeat, but if this is the real thing, I think I need to find out.”
“Yep. And since the wedding day is almost here, time’s a-wastin’. I’m gonna get to work, since it looks like we’ll be a man short today. My advice to you is to go inside, let Ma cook you a big breakfast, take a long shower and for God’s sake, shave. Then go make your case.”
“You always were the bossy one.”
“And you, little bro, were the softhearted one who hid behind charm and humor. But I know you. No one can love a woman better than you. You’re the kind that goes all in, heart and soul.”
“Go on, you’re getting all mushy on me. Gross.” Tanner shoved Cole’s shoulder. “And you’re right. I’m hungry and need a shower and a shave.”
They both hopped out of the truck, Tanner turning toward the house and Cole to the barns. But then Tanner called back, “Hey, Cole?”
“Yuh.”
“Thanks. I needed that.”
Cole grinned. “Wasn’t that long ago I was in your shoes. Anytime, Tan.”
* * *
LAURA SLEPT POORLY. Instead of going into Rowan’s room, she’d gone to her old room—Tanner’s room—and crawled beneath the covers. She didn’t want to wake the baby with her crying. But once in there she’d been surrounded by his things, by his scent still in the sheets, and she’d felt a loneliness so profound it was as if someone had bored a hole clear through her, leaving an empty, painful place behind.
Letting him go had been the right thing to do. He didn’t need to be obligated to her in any way, nor had he ever been. But oh, she was going to miss him.
In the harsh light of morning, things were no better. Laura took one look at her face and grimaced. She forced herself to take a shower and put on a little makeup so she didn’t look as ragged as she felt. Rowan was up and all smiles, which boosted Laura’s spirits in some moments and made her sad in others. All she kept thinking was I love him. And he left.
But you pushed him away, she reminded herself. You made sure he wouldn’t come back.
After a good hour and a half of moping, dealing with Rowan’s morning routine and using up tissues, she took a deep breath. This was stupid. She’d said that it was only going to be truth from now on, but she hadn’t been honest, had she? She’d hidden her true feelings. She’d told him to go and had used their original plan as a shield against being hurt or humiliated. And she’d sent him away, when he was the best thing to happen to her since giving birth to Rowan.
What did she want? She paced the kitchen, stopping to occasionally watch Rowan playing happily in her playpen. She wanted Tanner. She wanted him back in this house. She wanted to kiss him without feeling as if she were breaking a rule, and she wanted to see him holding Rowan in his arms and showing her the flowers and leaves and buzzing insects. He didn’t think so, but she knew he’d make a wonderful father. He was patient, kind and loving. She, simply put, wanted Tanner Hudson in her life. For good.
And if that was what she wanted, what was she going to do about it? Tell him the truth? Tell him that she wanted this marriage to go ahead anyway? Tell him that she loved him?
The very idea scared her to death. And yet she knew if she didn’t try, she’d regret it forever. The wedding was scheduled for Sunday. She hadn’t phoned her grandparents and she had no idea what he’d told his family last night. But she hadn’t cancelled the justice of the peace or the flowers or anything. Why?
Maybe because she didn’t want to believe it was really over.
For months now, she’d let herself be urged along. All her talk about being strong and independent was a farce. She’d fallen for Spence’s charms—that was mistake one. Then she’d accepted Gavin’s help, and because of her fear, she’d damaged his reputation along with her own. She had let Tanner come to her rescue... Ugh.
For so long, she’d told herself it was for Rowan’s protection, but when it came down to it, she was a coward. And she didn’t like herself very much for it. She was better than this. She could be better than this.
If she wanted Tanner back, she needed to make a stand. She would have to conquer the things she’d shied away from. A new hope filled her breast, warm and expansive. She knew the perfect first step. Just as soon as she made a few phone calls.
Chapter Fifteen
Tanner smoothed his already smooth hair and lowered his hand, holding it out in front of him, hoping it was steady. It was not.
Ever since Laura had called the house, asking if they could talk, he’d been a wreck. He was terrified that she wanted to discuss details of canceling everything. Meanwhile, he was trying to work up the nerve to tell her he loved her. And Rowan, too. God, that little girl had him wrapped around her finger.
He looked at the little house that—as recently as yesterday—he’d called home. Plain, but cute. A little paint here, some flowers there. He was proud of the changes he’d made in a few short weeks, knowing they’d made Laura’s life a little sunnier. He could do more of that for her. He’d work every day to make it better if that was what he needed to do for them to be together.
Taking a shaky breath, he got out of the truck. He’d put on what he considered dressy clothes—khaki cotton pants and a pale blue button-down shirt, one button open at the neck.
The window
s were open, and a delicious smell wafted out of the kitchen. It filled his nostrils as he climbed the steps. Man, he was as nervous as a teenager on his first date. The smell was vanilla and cinnamon and nutmeg... Oh Lord, had Laura been baking again? He grinned, loving her even more for her ineptitude in the kitchen, not in spite of it. He couldn’t give a good damn if she could cook or not. He’d eat mac and cheese every day if she’d just say they had a chance. That she felt the same way about him.
He knocked on the door, slightly sick to his stomach.
The last time he’d shown up with the intent to propose, she’d worn a pretty spring dress. Today she was wearing jeans and a slate-blue T-shirt, her hair gathered up in a ponytail. With it pulled back from her face, he noticed how her skin glowed and her eyes twinkled, big and blue. “Hi,” he said, and when she smiled, it felt as if his tongue thickened and he couldn’t say anything else.
“Come on in, Tanner.” She stepped back.
As he entered the kitchen, the first thing he noticed was the platter of doughnuts.
The kitchen itself was spotless, but a deep fryer sat on the counter, the only evidence she’d made them herself. Unlike the last burnt offering, these sweets were perfectly round, with little holes in the middle, and rolled in plain sugar. They looked—and smelled—incredible.
“It’s a peace offering,” she said. “I had some help, of course. Gram came over and helped so I didn’t screw anything up. Including bringing her deep fryer so I could regulate the temperature of the grease.”
She’d made his favorite thing. Laura, who burned nearly everything she set her hand to, had made beautiful, golden-brown, delicious-smelling doughnuts.
She picked up the platter and held it out. “Try one,” she said, and because she looked so hopeful, he took one, even though eating was the last thing he wanted to do.
The sweet was still warm. The sugar clung to his fingers the moment he picked up the doughnut, and he obligingly took a bite. It was pure heaven. Cakey, not too moist, not dry, rich with cinnamon and nutmeg. He chewed and swallowed, then smiled at her. “Delicious. So good.”
Her face relaxed, pleased with his verdict. “God, I’m so relieved,” she said, putting the plate down on the table.
“You didn’t try one?” He took another bite. Half-wished for a glass of cold milk to wash it down with, but he wasn’t going to ask.
She shook her head, her ponytail bobbing. “I couldn’t eat,” she admitted. “I was too nervous.”
He finished the doughnut and brushed the sugar off his hands. “Nervous? About what?”
She bit her lip. “About seeing you. About the things I need to say that I didn’t say last night.”
“Me, too,” he admitted.
The color drained from her face. “Can I go first, Tanner? I think I really need to get this off my chest.”
Maybe he wouldn’t have to tell her at all. A peace offering might only mean she wanted to preserve their friendship, when what he wanted was so much more. If she shut him down, what point would there be in telling her how he felt?
“Do I need to sit down for this?”
She shook her head. “Rowan’s asleep. Let’s take a walk outside for a few minutes. It’s about time I enjoyed my yard, I think.”
She slid on a pair of sandals and they headed outside, walking across the grass towards the trees where it was cooler. The early-afternoon sun was hot and welcome, and Tanner briefly thought of his brother and father out haying today. He felt a little guilty, not being with them, but also as though this day was an important one for his future.
They stopped by the rosebush. Laura tentatively reached out, being careful of thorns, and plucked a delicate pink blossom from the shrub.
“I love wild roses, don’t you?” she asked. “They’re so soft and pretty and smell so nice, and yet they’re hardy and grow just about anywhere. Even in this yard, where the ground is hard and the drainage isn’t great, here they are.”
Tanner peered down at her, more sure than ever that he was in love with her. “Is this some sort of metaphor, Laura?”
She looked up at him, squinting a little against the sunlight. “Yes, it is. I’d like to think that I’ve become stronger the last few months.”
“You’ve always been strong,” Tanner began, but Laura shook her head and cut him off.
“No, I haven’t. I’ve hidden behind my situation. I’ve used my fear as a crutch. I’ve hurt people telling myself it was for the greater good. But it was selfish of me, Tanner. Last night, I lied to you. I had promised myself after I saw the lawyer that I would only tell the truth from now on. And then, only hours later when you were in front of me, I lied.” She turned the flower around and around in her fingers. “I need to tell you the truth now.”
“Which is?”
The flower stopped spinning. “I love you, Tanner. I know that wasn’t the plan. I know I wasn’t supposed to. But I do anyway. I love your kindness, and your sense of humor, your duty, and honor. I love your big heart and the way you make me feel like I’m somebody. I love the way you hold my daughter in your arms, and the way you look at her when you think I’m not looking. This was supposed to be a mutually beneficial arrangement, but I broke the rules. I fell in love with you.”
The rose trembled in her hand. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way. And Lord knows it’s fast and I come with a crap ton of baggage. But I promised to tell the truth and that’s it. I love you.”
It was so unexpected, so heartfelt and...for God’s sake, she’d given him an itemized list of what she liked about him. It was almost too much to comprehend. But the one phrase that stuck in his brain, keeping it all together, was “I love you.”
He took the nearly wilted flower from her nervous fingers and tucked it gently behind her ear. “I slept in my truck last night,” he confessed, unsure of where to begin, but knowing he’d somehow get to the right point eventually. “I couldn’t stand the idea of going inside and answering questions. I was so confused, you see. Taking Spencer out of the equation changed everything, and made me look long and hard at us and what we might look like without him pushing us together.”
He brushed his thumb over the crest of her cheek. “It forced me to look at why I was marrying you. And I figured out it wasn’t so I could have a place of my own, or even so you could change your name. Those were just excuses. The reasons I told myself. But deep down it was something more. It was me searching for meaning in my life.”
She pulled his hand down from her face. “Tanner, I know you’re not a hundred percent happy on the ranch. I know you volunteer as a paramedic because you like helping people. But I can’t be some pet project to make you feel better. Not now. Last night, I said that marriage had to be for the right reasons, and I still believe that.”
“No, no, you don’t understand.” Instead of letting her drop his hand, he linked his fingers with hers, holding them tightly. “What I mean is, my thinking that there had to be something more was true, but it doesn’t have to do with the ranch or a job or anything like that. The something more I needed was for in here.” He lifted their joined hands and pressed them to his heart. “When everything went wrong a few years ago, I told myself I was not the marrying kind. After all, that’s what I’d been told. That I was good for a good time, but not forever. But she was wrong, Laura. She was built that way, not me. I believed what she said for far too long until you showed me something different. Turns out, I’m not a party guy. I’m a family man. The weeks spent here, with you...that’s the happiest I ever remember being. Fixing the little things around here was a joy because it felt, well, it felt like I was doing it to my home, too. The thing is, Laura, we’ve been playing house. And I don’t want to play. I want it to be real.”
“By real, you mean?”
“I mean,” he said, his heart clubbing against his ribs, “that I fell in
love with you, too. With your sweetness, and the way you love your daughter, and the compassion you have deep inside. That day when I came home and you’d burned those silly doughnuts...” He squeezed her fingers, gazed into her eyes. “That was such a horrible day. But you sat with me, and held me, and made everything better. You cared for me in a way no one has ever done before. You treated me...” His voice broke a little. “Honey, you treated me like the man I wanted to become, rather than the man I thought I was.”
Tears gathered in her eyes. “You really love me?”
He nodded. “I do. And you are stronger than you think, you know. I knew that the day I sat in the back of the ambulance and held your hand as you brought Rowan into the world. You were fierce, and gorgeous, and beautiful. I think both our lives changed that day. You became a mom, and I caught a glimpse of what my life was meant to be.” He drew her close and looped his arms low around her back. “With you. If you’ll still have me.”
She didn’t answer. But she didn’t have to, either, because she jumped up on tiptoe and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him close. He closed his eyes and tightened his embrace, feeling all the pieces of his life that had been flung far and wide last night click back into place.
They held each other for a few minutes, enjoying the sensation of giving their feelings liberty at last. When Laura pulled back, Tanner kept one hand on the curve of her back and put the other beneath her chin, cupping it gently in his fingers. Then he finally kissed her the way he’d wanted to for weeks. With nothing between them—no arrangement, no worry about what was appropriate, no secrets. Just love, and the simmering attraction they’d been denying for too long.
“Mmm,” she murmured against his lips. “It feels good to finally do that.”
“I know,” he said, kissing the tip of her ear. “Know what’s better? We can do that anytime we want now.”
“But I might not get anything done, because I’ll want to do it all the time.”
