Wolfgran Returns

by Finbar O'Connor

  For Aidan Levey

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  One: Crime Wave page

  Two: Tea Cosies and Cardigans

  Three: Thick as a Turnip

  Four: Who’s Who?

  Five: A Good Hiding

  Six: Pet Patrol

  Seven: Another Cunning Plan

  Eight: Mistaken Identity

  Nine: The Long Ears of the Law

  About the Author

  Also by Finbar O’Connor

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Crime Wave

  Ever since the day the Big Bad Wolf had come into the city disguised as Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother and swallowed most of the police force, Chief Inspector Plonker had been determined to catch him. He even went on television to warn the citizens of the city that a Wolf disguised as an old lady was prowling the streets swallowing people. He called this fiendish creature The Wolfgran. A big reward was offered to anybody who captured it. Unfortunately, some people tried to claim the reward by grabbing any old ladies who happened to be passing and dragging them into the nearest police station. Soon every cell in the city had an old lady locked up in it, and the police were running out of tea and digestive biscuits. Of course, none of these prisoners was the Wolfgran. In the end the offer of a reward had to be withdrawn, and the old ladies were released.

  Then the city was hit by a terrible crime wave. An old lady rushed into the post office, snarled at the postmistress and stole all the stamps. Another old lady went into the supermarket, filled her trolley with cat food and tea bags, threatened to swallow the checkout girl and ran out without paying! But when nine different old ladies on the same bus all claimed to be the Wolfgran and refused to pay their bus fares, Inspector Plonker realised what was happening. Knowing that everybody was terrified of the Wolfgran, little old ladies were turning to crime!

  One morning the Chief of Police barged into Inspector Plonker’s office and started shouting at him.

  ‘You’ve got to do something about this Wolfgran business, Plonker,’ he yelled, ‘Somebody’s grandmother just mugged me and nicked my wallet!’

  ‘Was it the Wolfgran, sir?’ asked Inspector Plonker.

  ‘How should I know?’ yelled the Chief of Police. ‘But I wasn’t taking any chances. These old biddies are taking over the city! Did you know they’ve started refusing to pay their library fines? Even that old dragon the City Librarian is scared of them now!’

  ‘But what can I do, Chief?’ asked the Inspector, ‘We can’t lock them all up. We haven’t got the cell space, not to mention the toilet facilities!’

  ‘You don’t have to lock them all up, Plonker,’ said the Chief of Police, ‘You just have to catch the Wolfgran. Once he’s under lock and key these old fossils will have to stop pretending to be wolves in disguise. Their reign of terror will be over and we’ll have some law and order around here again!’

  ‘I’ll do my best, Chief,’ said Inspector Plonker.

  ‘You’ll need to do better that that, Plonker,’ said the Chief, ‘I’m giving you twenty-four hours to get the Wolfgran off the streets. Otherwise you’re off the force!’

  When the Chief had left, Inspector Plonker pressed the buzzer on his telephone that summoned his assistant, Sergeant Snoop. The Inspector was hoping the Sergeant might have some bright ideas. But when his office door opened it was not Sergeant Snoop who entered, but the Big Bad Wolf himself! He wasn’t even in his usual disguise as an old lady, and the glowing eyes, enormous teeth and long, shaggy tail were unmistakable.

  Inspector Plonker leaped to his feet, drew his gun and pointed it at the intruder.

  ‘Police! Freeze!’ he barked. ‘You’re under arrest!’

  But the Wolf only grinned at him. Then, to the Inspector’s horror, he heard the voice of Sergeant Snoop, which seemed to be coming from the belly of the beast!

  ‘Sorry, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, ‘We didn’t mean to startle you!’

  ‘Good grief, Snoop!’ cried the Inspector, ‘Is that you in there?’

  ‘It certainly is, sir,’ replied Sergeant Snoop, ‘And Constable Perkins is in here with me. We were hoping you might be able to get us out.’

  ‘You fiend!’ snarled Inspector Plonker, glaring at the Wolf. ‘How dare you swallow my sergeant!’

  The Wolf said nothing, but just went right on grinning.

  ‘Think it’s funny, do you?’ barked the Inspector. ‘Well, you’ll smirk on the other side of your face when I blow your head off!’

  ‘Don’t shoot, sir,’ cried sergeant Snoop, ‘It’s not the wolf. It’s just a costume!’

  ‘What are you talking about, Snoop?’ asked the Inspector, still pointing his gun at the wolf’s head.

  ‘It’s for the annual station pantomime, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, ‘We’re doing “The Three Little Pigs” this year. Perkins and I are playing the Wolf. Perkins made the costume himself!’

  ‘But you said you’d been swallowed, Snoop,’ said the Inspector, lowering his gun. ‘You said you wanted me to get you out!’

  ‘I meant get us out of the costume, sir,’ replied sergeant Snoop. ‘The zip is stuck, you see!’

  ‘I knew I should’ve used buttons,’ said the voice of Constable Perkins.

  But Inspector Plonker was looking thoughtful.

  ‘Tell me, Snoop,’ he said, as he holstered his gun and opened the zip that ran down the front of the costume, ‘When is the first performance?’

  ‘Tonight, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop as he struggled out of the wolf suit, followed by Constable Perkins. ‘We just had our final dress rehearsal!’

  ‘Well, cancel it, Snoop,’ barked Inspector Plonker.

  ‘Cancel the show?’ gasped Constable Perkins. ‘We can’t do that!’

  ‘You’ll have to,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘I’m commandeering that wolf suit. Important Police business!’

  ‘But what about the show, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop. ‘What shall we tell the rest of the cast? What shall we tell the public? My Mum bought six tickets!’

  Inspector Plonker drew himself up to his full height and a steely glint came into his eyes.

  ‘Tell them the safety of the city is at stake, Snoop,’ he said grimly. ‘And the safety of the city is more important than show business!’

  Chapter Two

  Tea Cosies and Cardigans

  Meanwhile, in his secret den deep in the forest, the real Wolf was looking gloomily at his reflection in the mirror.

  His nightdress was definitely looking a bit shabby, and his sharp claws were poking out through the tops of his pink, fluffy slippers. As for his handbag, the strap was broken and the lining was torn. This was because, while most old ladies use their handbags to carry purses, pension books and peppermints, the Wolf used his for whacking squirrels.

  He also found it very useful for clobbering ducks and stunning pigeons. You see, one great thing about being a wolf disguised as a little old lady is this: If you sit on a park bench for long enough, pretending to eat a sandwich, sooner or later you will be approached by a duck, a squirrel or a pigeon, hoping to scrounge a few crumbs. Then you simply whack them with your handbag, stuff them into it, close it with a click and wait for your next victim.

  This was how the Wolf caught his dinner every day. As a result, the ducks in the park had become very nervous of old ladies, the pigeons pooped on their hats and the squirrels kept throwing acorns at them.

  But there was another reason why the Wolf spent all his time disguised as an old lady: The forest had become far too dangerous. Everybody was out to get him. The three pigs had got so fed up with his huffing and puffing and blowing their house down that they had bought a big pack of ferocious wolfh
ounds, which they set on him every time he came near their property.

  As for Granny Riding Hood, she had brought her nephew Horace the woodcutter to live with her. The last time the wolf had crept up to her cottage and lisped, ‘Gwanny, it is I, Wittle Wed Widing Hood,’ a big, hairy man wearing a check shirt had almost chopped his head off with an axe!

  So the Wolf decided that it was probably safer to stay in disguise. But the problem was his clothes were beginning to wear out. More and more shaggy fur was showing through the various rips, tears and holes in his nightdress. It was only a matter of time before somebody saw through his disguise.

  This was why, as he examined his reflection, the Wolf was looking so gloomy. He had realised that there was only one thing for it. He would have to sneak into Granny Riding Hood’s cottage and steal a new outfit. He would do it that very evening, as he had spotted a perfect opportunity for this dangerous mission. On his way to the park that day he had seen a big sign outside the Town Hall. It said:

  Massive Bingo Gala Night

  Fabulous Prizes

  Tea Cosies

  Slippers

  Cat Food

  Cardigans

  Tonight, eight o’clock sharp

  The Wolf knew that Granny Riding Hood loved bingo and could never resist the chance to win a tea cosy, so she was bound to go. His plan was to sneak into Granny’s cottage while she was out, rummage through her wardrobe for a new outfit and be safely gone before she got back. In his new disguise, he would be safe from woodcutters and wolfhounds.

  So, later that evening the Wolf made his way to Granny Riding Hood’s cottage. He hid behind a tree and waited for her to leave. He had already seen Horace chopping down trees in another part of the forest, so he knew she was alone. Before long Granny came out the back door and hurried off down the garden path.

  Now, the wolf was so excited about getting a new disguise that instead of waiting to check that Granny had actually gone off to bingo, he simply slipped in the front door and started rooting through her wardrobe. That was why he did not see her going into the little outhouse at the bottom of the garden that was actually her outdoor lavatory. Once inside the house, the Wolf sat down in granny’s rocking chair and began trying on different pairs of pink fluffy slippers.

  A few minutes later Inspector Plonker and Sergeant Snoop, dressed in the pantomime wolf costume, came shuffling through the trees towards the cottage.

  ‘Now remember, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker, ‘I’ll do all the talking!’

  ‘But you’re the back end, sir!’ objected Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘So what?’ asked the Inspector.

  ‘Well, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, ‘Aren’t people going to think you’re talking through your …?’

  ‘Don’t be impertinent, Snoop,’ snapped Inspector Plonker.

  ‘Anyway, sir,’ continued Sergeant Snoop, ‘I still don’t see why we have to be in disguise to catch the Wolf.’

  ‘I’ve explained this to you before, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘It’s standard police procedure. It’s called working undercover. If you want to catch a crook you pretend to be a crook yourself. Then you make friends with him, join his gang and, just as he’s about to commit a crime, you nab him!’

  ‘I see, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop. ‘So we’re going to pretend to be a wolf, make friends with the real Wolf, wait until he tries to swallow somebody, then nab him?’

  ‘Precisely, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘It’s how they always catch criminals on TV.’

  ‘But you’ve never actually caught a criminal, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Nonsense, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘What about the Bearded Burglar?’

  ‘The who?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Oh, you were on your holidays at the time, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘Christmas Eve I think it was. I spotted this old chap sneaking down people’s chimneys with a big sack, so I nabbed him and threw him in the cells.’

  ‘This old chap,’ said Sergeant Snoop, ‘He had a beard, did he?’

  ‘Of course he did, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘That’s why I call him the Bearded Burglar!’

  ‘He wasn’t dressed in red, was he, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘He was as a matter of fact,’ replied Inspector Plonker, ‘and he had the most horrible laugh I’ve ever heard in my life! Why, I can almost hear it now!’

  ‘“Ho! Ho! Ho!” sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘That’s it exactly, Snoop!’ exclaimed the Inspector. ‘You’ve heard of him then, have you? Notorious criminal I suppose?’

  ‘He’s quite famous all right, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop. ‘Tell me, sir, what was in the sack?’

  ‘Toys, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker, ‘and when I nicked him he said I’d have to let him go ’cos he hadn’t done the orphanage yet! I mean, I’ve met some fiends in my time, but to go around stealing toys from orphans, and at Christmas too!’

  ‘Have you ever heard of Santa Claus, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Who?’ asked the Inspector.

  ‘Don’t you realise that none of the children in the city got any presents last year, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Of course they didn’t, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘The Bearded Burglar nicked the lot! But next year will be different!’

  ‘Why is that, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘I told him next time I caught him I’d throw the book at him,’ said Inspector Plonker triumphantly. ‘He won’t be showing his face around here again in a hurry!’

  ‘Inspector Plonker,’ said Sergeant Snoop, finally losing patience, ‘you are a complete and utter …’

  ‘Genius, Snoop?’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘Don’t worry, my lad. Learn from me, observe my methods and some day you too can be a great detective! Now, let’s take a look in this cottage. For all we know the Wolf may be lurking there already!’

  Chapter Three

  Thick as a Turnip

  The Wolf was in the cottage all right, but he wasn’t doing any lurking. In fact, at the moment he heard the knock on the door, he was busily trying on cardigans. Licking his lips at the thought that it might be Little Red Riding Hood (but also a bit nervous in case it was Horace and his hatchet), he opened the door an inch or so and peered through the crack. When he saw another wolf standing on the doorstep he was absolutely furious.

  ‘Beggar off!’ he roared. ‘Go and eat some other old woman.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Granny Riding Hood,’ said Inspector Plonker, ‘we are undercover policemen. We have reason to believe the Big Bad Wolf often frequents this cottage. Have you seen him lately?’

  ‘Who, me?’ exclaimed the Wolf, realising that the Inspector did not see through his disguise, ‘Er … no.’

  ‘Perhaps a description would help,’ said the Inspector. ‘Carry on, Sergeant!’

  ‘Sir!’ said Sergeant Snoop, producing his notebook and reading aloud, ‘The Wolf has red glowing eyes …’

  ‘Horrible!’ exclaimed the Wolf, putting on a pair of sunglasses to hide his eyes.

  ‘… big furry ears …’ continued Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Dreadful!’ exclaimed the Wolf, putting on a hat to hide his ears.

  ‘… a long, shaggy tail …’ read Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Whoops!’ exclaimed the Wolf, stuffing his tail into his pocket.

  ‘… and sharp, pointy teeth.’ droned Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Mmmmph!’ said the Wolf, closing his mouth to hide his teeth.

  ‘So if you see anybody around who looks like that, be sure to let us know,’ said Inspector Plonker, who was looking out the window.

  ‘Oh, mmmph! Mmmph!’ said the Wolf, nodding vigorously.

  ‘Good grief, it’s him!’ yelled Inspector Plonker suddenly.

  ‘Yikes!’ yelped the Wolf, thinking he’d been recognised.

  ‘Where, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop.

  ‘Out there, look!’ cried Inspector Plonker, and
he pointed out the window to where Granny Riding Hood was coming up the garden path.

  ‘The fiend,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘He’s disguised as an old lady again.’

  ‘Tsh! Tsk! Tsk!’ said the Wolf, shaking his head disapprovingly.

  ‘Mind you, he doesn’t fool me for a second,’ said the Inspector. ‘I mean, only a complete idiot would be taken in by that disguise.’

  ‘Complete idiot,’ said the Wolf, nodding vigorously.

  ‘You’d want to be as thick as a turnip not to be able to tell a little old lady from a wolf anyway,’ chortled the Inspector.

  ‘Thick as a turnip,’ repeated the Wolf, nodding even more vigorously.

  ‘What’ll we do, sir?’ asked Sergeant Snoop, ‘He’s nearly at the door.’

  ‘Well,’ said Inspector Plonker, ‘if Granny here hides in the wardrobe and starts banging on the door and yelling, we’ll tell the wolf we’ve got Little Red Riding Hood trapped in there. Then, when he goes to have a look, we’ll grab him and slap on the handcuffs. Think you can pretend to be Red Riding Hood, Granny?’

  ‘No problem,’ said the Wolf, who was very good at imitating Little Red Riding Hood’s voice. After all, he’d had lots of practice.

  Then he nipped into the wardrobe, shut the door behind him and crouched in the darkness, chuckling and muttering, ‘Thick as an idiot,’ and, ‘A complete turnip,’ over and over again.

  Chapter Four

  Who’s Who?

  The reason Granny had spent so long in the lavatory is that she had been reading a murder mystery called The Case of the Bloody Bones, which she had just borrowed from the library. (All old ladies love this kind of book. The next time you are in the library, just watch what they are taking out. The sweeter and kindlier an old lady looks, the more likely she is to borrow books with titles like The Mystery of the Slaughtered Sleuth or The Adventure of the Throttled Thrush.)