Fixated On You (Torn Series #5)

by Pamela Ann

  He gave me a cutting glare. “I’m not and I don’t intend to spend my days with her. I just think it would be good to know these things.” He started getting ready as he put his over worn jeans on before putting on a plain white, V-neck shirt. “If you have something else to say, don’t reel it in. Say it.”

  My chest was rising up and down, heaving as if I had run miles while I tried with all my might to calm the hell down. Looking away, I whispered, “I hate feeling like this.” My voice shook. “I hate feeling like a mad, jealous woman because you’re experiencing this with another woman.” Glancing towards the tensed Bass, I continued with my acerbic tongue, barbed with hate, “You’re engaged to me—ME—and not that stupid bitch.”

  He stared at me, taking time before responding back. “I know I’m engaged to you.” Bass moved closer. “But do you?”

  Of course I fucking did. What the hell? His question pissed me off some more. I snorted, lashing out at him, hard, “Why did you have to fuck her and knock her up?” I screeched, almost face-to-face with him. “Why did I have to be holding the small end of the stick? Hell, had I known this was the shit Nikki was going to put me through, I should’ve had sex the way you two were going at it!” I spat out, hating him and Nikki together. A small part of me was telling myself to slow down and breathe—yet the evil was spreading fire and I was aflame with it.

  Bass’s blue eyes darkened before me, grinding his teeth together as he looked at me like I was a wholly different woman. “Is that what you’re feeling? You’re feeling like you got gimped from some orgasms with Carter?” He moved closer, staring me down.

  “I wish—but I didn’t go through it. Now, I wish I had.”

  His nose flared, eyes deadly, cold and frozen. “How do I know that you were telling the truth? For all I know, you two could’ve done it. I mean, we both know how easily tight you are, so it would be hard to tell.” He whispered these words in such a hair-raising tone that it distracted me for a little bit.

  Only for a flashing moment because the next words I spat out truly pushed his buttons some more. “Too bad that they haven’t invented a Lying Vagina Detector test.”

  Bass reddened from anger then he looked to the side and took a few steps back, looking off. “I don’t want to continue this conversation like this; we’ll talk again when you’re not acting so jealous.” He eyed me for a second. “I have to go.”

  He looked so lonely, sad and worn out from our fight. The man who had come out of the shower minutes ago looking so refreshed was the polar opposite of that now. I wanted to reach out, hug him and tell him that I didn’t mean any of those words, but Nikki’s face surfaced in my brain, thus spiting me some more.

  “Yeah, go ahead and be with that Russian whore.”

  Bass came up to me, tensed as ever, hoping to kiss my lips, however I avoided it, so he got my cheek instead. “I’ll be back.”

  “Have fun playing family.” I was relentless, but shit, I was going through this crap, too. Not to mention that the ugliness of it was eating me alive, consuming me whole.

  Bass paused, taking a few deep breaths before resuming his walk towards the door with his hands in his pockets.

  This thing—this demon inside me—was eating me alive. I wanted him to ignore her until the testing could be done. It was hurting me to see that he was even talking to her, but what fucked me the most was how comfortable Nikki was in calling Bass any time of the day because she was feeling blue, dizzy, bloated and all the other shit she could call upon to use.

  Could he not see that I was deteriorating inside? Could he not see how anguished I was when this subject was brought up? I knew I made a promise that I was going to accept it, but saying the words and going through the process were both different.

  My actions were selfish. He told me that he was completely mystified about this whole Nikki and the baby ordeal, but I couldn’t help how I felt. Reeling my feelings in and pretending that I was okay about it would be a complete lie.

  How much more could I endure before Bass finally saw how pained I was inside and finally succumbed to my wishes to stop entertaining that Russian woman? Or would it all be too late to save me, us and our future together?

  Chapter 16

  Emma

  Three hours later, he finally came home, barely acknowledging me. However, his indifference didn’t stop me from interrogating him.

  Three hours with Nikki alone, together. I needed more info.

  Rounding the kitchen counter, I stood against it, looking at him as he greeted Gus with a smile; not me, but the dog. Great.

  “How did it go?” I casually asked, but I barely looked it.

  “Good,” he nonchalantly responded.

  His lackluster answer pushed the wrong buttons. “What took you such a long time to get back?” I had waited, noting the ticking time while I thought the worst as each hour had passed. I mean, how long did it take to get an ultrasound anyway? According to Google, not that damn long that it would take three hours. So this man better begin talking or I was going to make him; or try to anyway.

  Bass was still petting Gus, who was now on his back while he scratched his tummy away before muttering a response. “Nikki was begging me to take her to dinner.”

  He took her to dinner. While I sat here, counting down the time, worried while I conjured up all the bad scenarios in my head. Seriously, and now he told me that he took her to dinner? Hell to the no.

  “You fucked her, didn’t you?” I accused him, knowing that something big might’ve happened. Hell, didn’t he despise Nikki as much as I did? So for him to spend all these hours with her, there had to be a valid reason other than the bitch getting hungry. If he was cheating, he better come up with a better excuse because I wasn’t going to let it fly. No I fucking wouldn’t.

  “Emma—”

  “Fucking answer me, Bass!” I bellowed, adamant to get my answers.

  He looked at me for a long time, shaking his head. “I am a lot of things. When people call me on it, I don’t deny it,” he spat out, looking at me with disdain. “But there is one thing I know I’m not, and that’s a cheater. So don’t go start comparing me to him. I’m never going to do the things Carter did to you.”

  Carter…I didn’t remember ever feeling like I was being stabbed a hundred times while alcohol was poured over me, stinging and burning my existence. “I know. What you’re doing is far worse.”

  “Wow,” he whispered, getting up while shaking his head. He breathed deeply through his nostrils before looking at the wall. “Wow.” He nodded and then left Gus and me, heading straight towards the front door again. He exited and slammed it shut, making the walls vibrate and echo around me.

  I could hear his car being gunned hard as he drove off, leaving me all alone with my fear and heartbreak to console me. After months of being happy, this was the first time I had cried with the fear of losing what I had fought so hard to have.

  Clutching my engagement ring, I silently cried and held it close to my heart, praying that my fears would subside. That, when tomorrow came, things would resort back to normal.

  ~E~

  I was woken up by a drunk Bass at two in the morning as he stumbled into the nearest accent table before he finally found the switch that flooded our bedroom with soft lighting.

  My heart reached out to him, knowing that I had played a major part of him putting himself in a stupor. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier; all of the hurtful things I’ve said. Most of them I didn’t mean. I was hurting and I wanted to inflict pain.”

  “Go to sleep, Em,” he said, not looking at me.

  He had to listen, at least. “Bass, please, let me explain.”

  He sighed, letting his head fall as he squeezed the bridge of his nose before speaking, “I fucked up. This is all on me.” He breathed in and made a long, grumbling exhale sound. “I know. Each time I look at you, I know.” He started walking towards the bathroom, murmuring in his wake, “I’m sorry for all of this. This is all on me, Emma
. All on me; so go to sleep.”

  I could hear the shower running, but as I waited for him to finish showering I drifted off to sleep, much to my frustration.

  I awoke the next day with a note from Bass saying that he didn’t want to wake me up before he flew out to Vancouver.

  Honestly, I was so embarrassed about my abhorrent behavior that I couldn’t even bring myself to text him. I knew he was angry at me, which only made it twice as daunting.

  For an entire week we were both incommunicado. Not one of us tried to bridge the vast space that was now dominant in our relationship. But what could I do? I was the one who’d gone off the rocker, ranting like I was some loony bin woman, but still, he must know how embarrassed I was at the moment. A simple text from him would save me all the worry of wondering how he was.

  If things continued going this way for another few days, I already knew I had to make the grand gesture of flying out there to seek forgiveness.

  Bass might’ve said this was all on him, but I knew what I had gotten myself into, so technically, this was all on me really.

  When would I have the guts to put on my big girl panties and fight for the man I loved?

  Chapter 17

  Emma

  It was late afternoon Friday, and yet, I felt like I was aging and rotting with no perspective in mind. I was in bed, curling up after I finished the entire tub of a coffee Haagen Dasz ice cream with Gus looking at me like I was the most selfish bitch for not sharing a piece of my heaven. Honestly, where was my mojo?

  “Don’t be such a puss, Gus. You can’t have coffee, in any shape or form.” I scratched the back of his ear, hoping he’d understand.

  Glancing at my phone that was sitting on my bedside table, I sighed for the umpteenth time, hoping for Bass to give me a sign that he wasn’t mad at me anymore. Alas, he was staying mum, letting me simmer in my own pile of shit.

  When that device indicated that I had a text message out of nowhere, I was on that phone in an instant, scanning to see who the sender was.

  Amber: Hey doll, just wondering, is everything okay with Bass?

  My entire body froze while my brain was going everywhere, wondering why she was asking this particular question when, in fact, everything wasn’t going a-oh-kay with us.

  Me: Just a little tiff. Why? What’s up?

  Amber: Thought I should ask. Never mind.

  Umm, no. WTF? No one tells me to “never mind” it when I’m dying as to why and what prompted her to text me out of the blue. Typing like a mad woman, I tried to be nice.

  Me: Spill it or I’m going to hunt you down for it!

  I was rude, but hell, I was freaking the hell out!

  Amber: Don’t bite my head off. I just thought the picture was misleading and I hate it…

  Okay, where the fuck was the picture she was talking about? I thought as I read her message… Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that had been blasted with a flamethrower followed by cannons, blow after blow.

  Bass and Nikki on the front of a magazine cover. Him touching her belly while he was opening the car door for her. And those damn fools were smiling at each other! What the bloody fucking crap is this shit?!?

  Tears streamed down my face as I watched my phone drop on the carpet floor because my hands were shaking so badly, and frankly, I doubted that I had any strength left to keep it together.

  This was what I’d feared most. Judging from Bass’s clothes, it was that day he’d gone with her to the doctors. We never spoke about what happened because I went off on him like a demented woman. That picture was deceiving, but all I could register afterwards was how happy they both looked; like a real couple that couldn’t wait to have their first baby.

  I was curling up in a ball, holding Gus tight against my chest while I buried my face against his neck, hoping to die like this when my door was yanked open and in came a frenzied looking Lindsey.

  “IN NO WAY ARE YOU GOING TO CHECK OUT SHIT ONLINE, you hear? Don’t you dare!” Lindsey was busy unplugging my laptop from its charger while her eyes scanned for something.

  Gus barked at her twice, but Lindsey was not paying attention to him, nor me, which was troubling.

  “What’s going on?” I mumbled, wiping my tears away.

  Lindsey finally found my phone on the floor. “Damn these things are toxic!” she exclaimed, picking it up before finally giving me a look; a look I had seen before. One that meant that something horrible had happened and she wished that I wasn’t going to be hurt.

  “Tell me. You know I’d do it for you,” I said, my voice shaking as I noted that this was about Bass. Anything that went with the Internet was connected with him. “If it’s about that picture of Bass touching her belly, I’ve seen it already.”

  Lindsey looked at me, calculating if she should or shouldn’t. Those big, brown eyes contained immense sadness, scaring me even more. “There’s this video that was just released on TMZ and it has them together.”

  Damn this day was getting worse. I hadn’t imagined that it could get worse, but surprise, surprise, I was in for a big shock.

  “Say it,” I whispered, closing my eyes because I simply didn’t have the energy to keep them open.

  Lindsey moved closer. “Emma—”

  “Say. It,” I hissed while tears flowed freely off my face. I felt Gus move close, licking my knees like it was his way of telling me that he was here to comfort me when shit was going to blow up in my face any second now.

  “It’s of Nikki going down on him. It’s grainy, but you could tell that it’s Bass and her.”

  Did this happen recently?

  Bass cheated on me? After all the vows, the promises, our fucking engagement? He decided to cheat on me?

  Bass… Why was being with him so painful now? Why was my present continuing to be haunted by his past? Everything we did now involved Nikki. It was never going to stop. Everyone thought that I stole him from her. Did I? Was Bass lying to me all this time?

  “I need to be alone, please.”

  Lindsey tried to touch me, however I avoided it, hoping that she’d understand my need to be in my own pain. “Let me be here for you.”

  “No.” I shook my head, not hiding my ugly cry anymore. “I need to be alone. I need it.”

  She nodded with tears pooling in her eyes. “I’m here for you, doll. Whenever you need me. Always.” She quietly shut the door, though I was aware that she’d only done it reluctantly.

  Now all alone, I sat there, feeling like my insides where being lasered off, killing me slowly at the same time that I felt this big emptiness occupy my existence.

  I went back to him for nothing. All we ever worked for came to nothing. My feelings for him were coming to a big load of nothingness. That was all what we were; a big pile of nothing.

  There was a monumental silence as this realization floated about in my mind until…

  The vomit started, rolling off in folds, as I ran for the bathroom. While I puked my guts out, hugging the toilet as if my life depended on it, my brain kept beating me to ruins.

  Was this why he hadn’t contacted me all this week? Honestly, I wouldn’t even be surprised if this video had come from him. He did like to tape his women; all of them except me. Yeah, so all this week he was probably plotting our demise. This was probably his way of breaking it off with me because he hadn’t had the balls to do it in person. Yep, that was probably it.

  There was nothing to do other than to let all the evil out of my system while waiting in vain until the nightmare was done.

  Three hours later, I found myself with Gus next to me driving down the 101 Freeway, LA bound. I had two stops, which were both important to my mission of exorcising this wretched piece of my life.

  Once those stops were done, only then could I ever move forward and never look back.

  Bass was blasting up my phone, but I completely ignored it. No, this bitch was going to get it. They both could rot in hell for all I cared. I was fucking done puzzling this crap out in my head
. I was so done compromising.

  Fuck.

  Compromise!

  I knew my way to my first destination. Hell, I was only here once and I had only graced the curb, yet it was one location where I would never forget.

  I didn’t ring the doorbell when I finally made it to Westwood. Instead, I banged on the fucking door because ringing the bell was for people with good intentions, where as I came for the fucking opposite. Because let’s face it, someone’s got to pay for my heartbreak. One way or the other, I had to vent out this toxic spew that was in my system.

  After my loud banging and still the door hadn’t opened, I was about to use my foot and kick the fucking door down until my toes were black and blue when the blasted thing finally opened.

  “Emma?” She sounded fucking shocked.

  Huh? As if she hadn’t been expecting this visit.

  “Can I help you?” A frowning Nikki greeted me.

  Fake. The fucking bitch was a fake! “Yes, you can fucking help me!” I snarled at her while I stepped inside her house, pushing her aside with force as I moved passed her form without care.

  The second I heard her shut the door, I was on her like icing on a cake. “Fucking explain this whole video to me because, frankly, if this came from you, you can kiss your life goodbye because I might possibly kill you right now!” I screamed at her, bunching my hands on the side as I tried my damnedest not to stomp her lying ass down on the floor and go at it like there was no tomorrow. I had never been into catfights, but boy, I was so pumped for it now. Interloping bitches be damned.

  Nikki smirked before resting a hand on the side of her hips, looking at me like I was a sore loser. “You could go to jail for threatening a pregnant woman.”

  The woman simply appalled me.

  “Fuck jail and fuck you, Nikki!” I threw at her, provoking her evil side to come and play. Oh, yeah, her evil twin was going to come out sooner or later. “Oh, yeah, I said it! You were out to fuck with my relationship with Bass from the get go, so don’t stand there and pretend you didn’t know shit about this damn thing!”