by Ace Gray
Nick choked on the words, and instead, a loud sob shook his chest. They got worse, breaking into each and every sentence that followed.
“The night mother called, she’d come home early from a benefit, not feeling well. She heard screams when she got into the house. She ran to Ari only to find Christopher trying to rape her. He’d tied her down and…” Nick shook his head at some unspoken memory.
“Mom knocked him out and untied Ari. She used the same ties to bind Christopher before she called me.
“I left Yale like a bat out of hell. Mom had me take Ari out of the house but she wouldn’t let me in to deal with Christopher. She knew I was far too angry. I was a great boxer, with years of pent up anger, she knew I would’ve pummeled him to death. And she was right. I still would for the record.” The signature Bryant growl crept back to his voice.
“When Francis got home, my mother told him what happened. He sent her to the hospital in response. When she got out they simply refused to speak of it. When she told me nothing would change, I made Ari stay in New Haven with me. I didn’t have access to my trust until graduation, so keeping her safe and putting her in private school was the catalyst for starting my first business.”
He went silent, a finality in his voice that was as heavy as the weight he’d carried for so long.
Now I couldn’t blame him for rushing to Piper’s aid. I could hate it, but I couldn’t blame him. He’d known I was safe. Sad and struggling, but safe. It was so deeply engrained in him to protect, particularly from Christopher, it’d probably been more of a compulsion than an active decision. I understood those inexplicable urges. It was why I was here, holding him on a gravel road.
This explained so much about him. So much about why he’d pushed me away, why he’d been neurotic, why he said bad things happened to those around him. Even why he’d felt unworthy and hadn’t come after me. He thought he deserved the pain. I could live with his past but could I live with the way it made him treat me?
Of that, I wasn’t sure.
We sat there long enough for my butt to ache and my fingers to go numb with cold. I couldn’t imagine how his bare feet felt.
“I’m so sorry. I really am. I had no idea.” I finally managed between chattering teeth.
“I don’t need pity, Kate. I just wanted you to understand.” He sat up and looked directly into my eyes. It shook my soul to see him laid so bare.
“I do,” I answered quickly. We held each other’s gaze for a while but neither of us found words.
He looked away first, his brow furrowed deeply. “We should get to the house. You’re freezing and need to eat before you waste away.”
I nodded, not sure what else to do.
Nick unfolded from the ground and hauled me up to standing with him. He helped me into the driver’s seat then gingerly circled the car before folding into the passenger seat with his feet back on the dashboard and his head resting on his knees.
My eyes drifted to him off and on as we pulled out and drove down the highway. He buried his face away, keeping his thoughts and emotions hidden from me, but I caught him reaching for me twice, only to think better of it and pull his hand back.
The defeated movement broke my heart. And how there was anything left to break, I didn’t know. How I could ache for him, instead of because of him, was also a mystery.
I tried to enjoy the gate opening on my beautiful house for what would be the last time. The driveway was all round river rock, a variety of pinks and blues and gray. I loved the soft thump of my tires as they bumped over the small, medium, and large pastel stones. The circular drive led up to the grand covered entryway. I’d replaced the clunky white pillars that held up the overhang with steel cables. They gave an industrial feel to the facade and allowed everyone who visited to focus on the blue-gray reclaimed barn wood that melted into the skyline. It stood pale and earthy, surrounded by reedy sea-green grass, tan sand, and a churning blue sea.
Originally, I bought it because of the homey feel and extensive grounds. I’d kept it because the renovations I had made included the expansive garage and custom racetrack to boot.
Wordlessly, I slipped out of the driver’s seat and headed over to hug the familiar man waiting by the front door for me. Jenkins had been hired to stock and clean the house, prepare for guests, take care of storm preparation or fix damage, and—his favorite—maintain my mini fleet of vehicles. Jenkins gave me a worried look followed by a big bear hug when I walked up.
“Everything okay kiddo?”
I sighed into his chest. “Ask me tomorrow.” My voice didn’t sound too pathetic. “Everything prepared?” I didn’t know why I was asking, he’d have it dressed up as a realtor’s dream. Hell, he’d have it looking like my dream, I just didn’t feel much like dreaming anymore.
“Of course.” He sounded slightly insulted but it gave way to a deep, homey laugh. “Remind the realtor I don’t come with the property. Only did this for you.”
“Thank you.” I took the front door keys he offered. “For everything.” I stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He simply smiled and turned toward his car. My heart was heavy with the goodbye of sorts as I watched him walk off. I closed my eyes and when I found the strength to pry them open, my gaze drifted from Jenkins to an empty passenger seat.
Bryant was inspecting the house and the grounds, a small smirk played on his lips as he surveyed. I called out and gestured toward the front door. He stalked over and followed me into the small entryway and whistled when it opened into a large L-shaped kitchen. There was a breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the dining room but it was otherwise one vast open space.
Bryant and breakfast bars, ugh.
I’d stuck to gray tones inside, and accented with driftwood, bronze and books. Most of the artwork I’d collected over the years had ended up here too. There was a huge fireplace and a large modern concrete bar in the living room. The ceiling started lower in the kitchen and then shot higher and higher, to twenty-five foot ceilings in the living room. The couches faced an entire wall of windows, also twenty-five feet high, overlooking the beach and the ebb of the ocean.
Fuck me.
If only we’d come here when things were right between us.
I walked over to the bar and poured us both a drink. Scotch with one giant rock, just the way we liked it. He frowned but apparently thought better of whatever he wanted to say. I studied his face until he turned away from me.
For the first time in weeks I had an appetite. And cooking would distract me from the obvious awkwardness filling the room. I tried not to get hung up on the fact that my appetite was likely back because Bryant was the other body there. I tried not to get pissed at myself or my weakness for him.
I ditched my heels in the middle of the kitchen to tiptoe around, focused on making pasta sauce from scratch.
“This was a mistake,” Nick mumbled from the bar and I turned to see him slam his scotch, rattling his ice cube.
My face betrayed my confusion. And hurt. After everything, how could his words still affect me?
“I’m in danger of falling even more in love with you,” Nick said softly.
Gulp.
Without another word, or giving me a chance to respond, he turned and stalked through the living room and out onto the patio. He disappeared and his footsteps jogged down the stairs to the beach. I stared after him feeling guilty. My intention had never been to make him relive heartbreak; I’d only wanted to see him smile again.
I stirred my sauce thinking about why I needed to see that smile. Or why I cared at all how he felt. He’d picked someone else, I should still be pissed.
Yeah, but he explained that.
From the kitchen window, I could see him walking along the beach kicking sand. He bent and pick up a rock to throw into the surf. His muscles bunched and coiled under his shirt as he tried to skip the stone across the wate
r.
Did I really care that he’d been there for Piper?
No.
I cared that he didn’t tell me. Did I still consider it betrayal?
Sort of.
Was I guilty of betrayal too?
Good Christ, Ambien…
I mechanically started noodles and slathered butter and garlic onto bread. How did I feel about the whole damn thing?
Jury is definitely still out…
When Bryant wandered back, I offered him dinner. He nodded slowly, lost deep in thought, dark, swirling eyes firmly in place. He took his plate and moved to the couch. I didn’t follow, instead I opted for the kitchen counter where I nibbled at the food. His mood unnerved me but I was still able to eat more then I had in the past few weeks combined.
He brought his dishes to me while I was picking noodles out of the pot. Quietly Nick thanked me for dinner and moved out to the patio taking scotch with him. I decided to stay inside, reading a book curled on a couch. I watched his outline from the living room even though my body yearned to go to him.
This was a mistake.
Every part of me was conflicted about having him within reach. It was too much to process.
Despite my racing thoughts, I fell asleep after my second glass of scotch, book still cradled on my chest. Nick must have carried me to bed at some point because I woke in the master bedroom, fully clothed, and tucked neatly under the covers. The tiniest moon hung out over the water and it lit the room well enough to show I was alone. My stomach wrenched at the thought Nick might be gone.
My feet padded across the cool wood the second I swung them out of bed. I found Nick sprawled across the couch, an empty bottle next to him on the floor. I slipped into the chair by his toes and watched him sleep. He’d watched me before and I’d always wondered why. Now I could guess.
Seeing him like this helped put everything in perspective. I could weigh my heavy thoughts against the thing that brought me so much joy: him. And all without the whirling emotion that accompanied our normal interaction.
His face was utterly breathtaking. Not just because of his jawline, or growing scruff, but because it housed his beautiful mind. And those intense eyes that told me everything he was thinking or feeling. It’s where his perfect lips sat that spoke sweet—and now honest—words to me. I also knew what was hiding under that button up shirt, and for the first time, I cared far more for the heart that beat there then the fine musculature that covered it.
Then it dawned on me. I had been the closed-off one in the relationship. I had refused to truly trust or believe him. I had been a fool. In the end, I was weighing his perfection against my own foolishness and I was the one found lacking.
Only one question really mattered, was Bryant worth it?
Yes!
The vehemence of my thoughts surprised me. I needed him. And suddenly, sitting in this seat, all the shit melted away. Or maybe just made sense in a weird way. He’d tried to be everything to everyone because he was terrified to fail any of us. I wondered what Nick could have accomplished if he hadn’t had a rocky childhood. The thought scared me.
He’d tried to protect me and he’d tried to tell me how much I meant to him, just in his own unique way. His motives were pure even if his methods hadn’t sat well. The longer I sat there, the more things shifted and those things made my heart swell.
I wanted to throw myself on him and seal my decision with the passion that had been the signature of our relationship. The chilly demeanor between us last night stopped me. What if I’d lost him because I hadn’t listened? Or because I hadn’t trusted? Or Kevin? I would deserve it. I hadn’t even given him a chance to explain. I’d run away basking in my own selfishness.
The physical portion of our relationship came so naturally, I hadn’t remembered that we were two people with pasts and problems and that we had to work to be together. I shook my head and let the tears drip down. Now I was dying to be with him, completely willing to forgive everything and work on anything, but I was terrified I’d fucked it all up.
I couldn’t eat, drink, sleep, or function without him. Hell, I couldn’t live without him. And thinking I’d lost him because of his stupidity was one thing. Knowing I’d lost him because of mine would haunt me forever.
Now I was petrified rather than hurt or angry. I devoured him, memorizing every inch, all the way down to his toes. I had to etch every detail into my brain in case it was the last time I was allowed to drink him in. When I returned to his gorgeous face I noticed he had the same black bags under his eyes as me. I didn’t know how I’d missed them before. Had he been haunted by the loss of a soul shaking love every bit as badly as I had?
I lulled myself to sleep using pattern repetition to calm my anxiety. It wasn’t until the sun warmed my face through the beach windows and I stirred to shield my face that I realized I’d been sleeping. My eyes snapped open, desperate to take in Nick. He was still sleeping, the sun similarly washing over his face.
He woke a moment later as if on cue and my intense gaze was the first thing he saw. Mercifully, he smiled, giving me a little hope.
“I have to leave,” he said softly.
My hope came crashing down around me, echoing like boulders in my bones.
“Why?” I squeaked.
“It hurts to be without you, but it hurts more to be with you and know you’re not mine. That you’re leaving. I tried to fool myself, but I can’t.”
“Nick, please.”
“Don’t call me Nick,” he growled. “I can’t take it.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears threatened to spill from the corners of my eyes.
I had succeeded in pushing him away. I’d lost him. Piece by piece my body was disintegrating. There wasn’t a breeze but I was sure something was scattering the ashes of my soul to the corners of the universe.
“Don’t cry.” He shifted on the couch, first toward me then he stopped and rubbed his temples instead. “This has all been my fault. I’ll call a car, and as soon as it gets here, I’ll get out of your way.”
The tears spilled, I couldn’t stop them. He stood and walked toward the front door, grabbing my car keys as he went. When he closed the front door behind him, I couldn’t breathe. My chest got tight and my throat constricted. His absence ratcheted up my panic, I was going to hyperventilate.
I went to the kitchen to grab some water, hoping it would calm me but my trembling hands were back. I almost got a half-full glass to my lips when Nick walked in. The door swung shut and it startled me enough that I jumped. My shaking hands dropped the glass and it smashed at my feet.
“Kate, are you okay?” He rushed over as quickly as his bare feet and the scattered shards would allow. When he reached me, I was shaking harder, gulping for air.
“Don’t. Go.” I gasped without thinking. “Please.” I barely managed to get the word out.
Nick scooped me into his arms and carefully dodged the glass on the floor. He set me on the counter and looked me directly in the face. Gray churned against blue in the eyes that met mine.
“What did you say?”
“Don’t go,” I said haltingly.
“Why would you want me to stay?” He was direct and earnest, frantically searching my face for something.
“I.”
Gasp.
“Need.”
Sob.
“You.”
Nick set his hands on my thighs and the contact sent a jolt through me. My heart shuddered in my chest for the first time in weeks.
“Kate.”
“I love you. I need you. I can’t live without you. I never should’ve left. I should’ve listened. I should’ve trusted you. Completely. I always said I did but the second I was tested, I failed. I’m a failure. And so stupid. I’m sorry. Is there some way you can forgive me? I’ll do anything, anything, if we can just go back to the way things wer
e.”
It all tumbled out before I gave it much thought. The idea of him walking away was unhinging me.
“Things can’t go back to the way they were…”
“But…” I started to weep.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
“No. No buts. I don’t want them to either.”
This will kill me.
“Nick. Shit, I mean Nicholas. Please!”
“Kate, I bared my soul to you. I want that relationship. I want a relationship where you know me completely. Where we can tell each other everything and trust that completely.”
What?
I dared to hope when he used you and me in the same sentence. Maybe I could fight for this after all.
“Nicholas, I know I didn’t listen and I didn’t trust you. I was stubborn and awful. I aired our business on Page Six, and I was wrong. So fucking wrong. Please, for the love of God, give me another chance.”
I was going to hyperventilate again. As it was, I was rambling so fast I was tripping on my words. My eyes shifted frantically for a sign that he would bend.
“Hey…” He tried to slow me down.
“I can be better. I’ll force myself to be. I’ll do something about my temper and my swearing. I can be that girl. Just please, please, please…Please let me. I never want to be away from you.”
“Kate stop.” He had to get loud and a little harsh to shut me up. My stomach flipped and my eyes went wide. Immediately he softened. “You misunderstand. You are that girl. You’re the only one that ever could be.”
His hand left my thigh and cupped my cheek. I was hanging on by a thread.
“Kate, I never want to be away from you. Ever. I couldn’t have anything with anyone else simply because you exist. And I mean you, exactly as you are, stubborn, temperamental and all. I don’t deserve you, but that doesn’t stop me from needing you. More than I’ve ever needed anything. Hell, I want you to move in with me not move to Portland.”
His hands slowly gripped me tighter and tighter. I was trying not to snivel when I spoke.
“You want me to move in with you?”
