Give a Little

by Lee Kilraine

  “Eli told me about Ryker when he was here this morning. Is this about him?” She stepped closer, until I could see the flecks of yellow in her green eyes. “What happened wasn’t your fault, Gray.”

  “No, Tessa.” I cut my eyes away to the azalea bushes next to the steps before looking back at her. “This is about me. What I have to do. I’m sorry. This is all on me. I shouldn’t have started this. Should’ve kept this professional.”

  “Is that how you feel toward me? You can turn it off that easily?”

  “It’s not you, Tessa, it’s—”

  “You. Got it. You don’t do relationships. I’d heard that, but I thought what we had was different. I guess I was wrong.”

  “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

  “Believe me, this is not your fault. This is all on me.” She glanced down at her feet, then back up. “I have messed with your life enough, Gray Thorne. I’ll respect any decision you make as far as how you want to finish out my house. If you’d rather one of your brothers take over for you, that’s fine with me. I’ll understand. It would probably be best all around.”

  I stared into her eyes, my chest feeling like it was a tin can and someone had just stomped it flat.

  “Sully and I have our volunteering to get to, so we’ll see you later. Maybe. Or…not.”

  Tessa gathered up Sully, carrying whatever crazy outfit she was going to stick on him for the day, and left through the front door. I needed to say something. I wanted to say something, but I had no words. I felt a cold numbness settle in my gut as my gaze followed her across the porch, past me, and down the drive. Wouldn’t you know, fucking Paul was at the end of the driveway.

  “What are you doing here?” Tessa asked as her ex strolled up closer.

  “I thought we could talk. I called you yesterday. Left a message.” Paul shoved his sunglasses up on his head and smiled at her, ignoring the fact that I stood only feet away from her. “You’re going somewhere?”

  “Sully and I volunteer at Meadowbrook. We—” Her phone sounded an incoming text and she paused to read it. “Drat. Joe’s got a dead battery and can’t drive today.”

  “I’ll drive you,” Paul said. “It’ll give us a chance to talk. And I’d like to learn about your volunteering.”

  The only thing stopping me from giving in to my urge to punch ol’ Paul right in his bread basket was the look on Tessa’s face. She didn’t look happy. But then I remembered her anxiety and trust issues with not just driving a car but riding as a passenger too.

  “Tessa, if you need a ride somewhere, I can take you.” I stepped down off the porch step, moving closer to her.

  “Thanks, Gray. I think I’ve disrupted your life enough. I’ll just get a ride from Paul since he’s here.” The look of sweet sadness in her green eyes ripped at me. I fucking hated watching them walk down the driveway together. Watching him use his Southern manners to help her into the passenger seat.

  And as if I didn’t have enough reasons to grind my back molars together, Paul came back up the driveway until he stood a few feet away, staring at me until he knew he had my attention.

  “Just to let you know, I’m planning on asking Tessa to marry me.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest rather than knock his teeth down his throat.

  “She said yes once before, so I have high hopes she will again. I think it would be best if you didn’t hang around Tessa after that. Best for Tessa.” He waited for my response, but I had none, so he nodded and walked away.

  I couldn’t have said anything if I’d wanted to. My jaw was clamped tight. I hadn’t had a fucking clue that Tessa and Paul had been engaged before. Dating yes, but not the knowledge that Tessa had agreed to be someone’s woman forever. Fuck. I was unprepared for the way that fact crushed my chest.

  What I hated most was that Paul seemed like a decent guy. Except for the part where he bailed on her when she’d needed him. Other than that, he was a solid guy without any surprises or heavy baggage. A yuppie businessman who’d give her a life of luxury in one of Raleigh’s suburbs, drive their kids around in a Volvo station wagon to soccer practice, and provide her a nice life. Yuppie Paul was a sure, safe guy who could make her happy. Obviously if she’d said yes to him before then she loved the guy. Hell, she let him drive her. She trusted him.

  * * * *

  I drove back to the SBC offices, parking right next to the batting cage. I grabbed out a bag of balls and my favorite bat and spent the next hour hitting the snot out of every pitch while I contemplated life without Tessa.

  “What’s up, Gray?” Ash asked between swings. “Madigan job going okay?”

  I sucked in air over my teeth and swung at the next pitch. “The Madigan job is great. Just great.”

  “That’s good to hear, because you’re acting like you do when something isn’t great. So…”

  “Asher…” I rested the bat on my shoulder, throwing a warning glance at him. I did not want his shit just now. We hadn’t had a fist fight around the office in a couple of years, but if Ash kept it up, that would change today.

  Ash leaned his forearms against the split rail fence outside the cage. Looked like he was in a chatty mood. Fucking wonderful.

  “What’s up with you and Tessa?”

  “Not a damn thing. She’s a client. I’m her contractor. When the job’s done, we’re done.”

  “I’m just confused. It looked like there was something between you and Tessa—something good. So I thought—”

  “You thought wrong”—I turned, pointing the head of the bat at him on a growl—“You thought wrong, Ash.”

  Ash stared at me, his eyes boring into me, seeing way more than I wanted him to. Not that I kept much from my brothers. But this burning pain in my chest was something I’d like to work through on my own, rather than unload on a brother. And not Ash. Not with Ash going through some of the same crap I’d been going though. I didn’t want to drag him down with me too.

  “It sucks that our parents taught us trusting the wrong person can break you. Pulverize you into dust.”

  Knew that feeling. Knew it standing right where I was. I turned back to the pitching machine and pressed the remote, waiting for the next pitch.

  “Watching Beck fall in love—learning to trust it—I swear I never cheered for anyone harder. And I’ve played for the Stanley Cup, so you know. But I swear, Gray, in the beginning I was cheering for Beck. Because if anyone deserves happiness, it’s him. Fuck, the things he bore, the things he did for us—I’ll never get over it.”

  Yep. Totally agreed with him there. Beck was my fucking hero. But so were all my brothers.

  “But as time has gone on, it’s been harder to watch him and Sam. And now there’s Wyatt and Rhia beginning the dance, not that they know it, but fuck me if I’ve got to watch this all over again while I’ve got this raw feeling in my chest—I may not make it. I’m standing in the middle of the best people I know, people I can’t live without and I love with everything I’ve got—and I’m lonely. Next thing you know, Hope and Sinclair will be joining the love fest.”

  I took a quick step out of the batting box, because Ash had totally fucked up my attention with that and as bad as I already felt, I’d rather not get beaned in the head. I leaned my back against the netting, head up to the blue sky above me, and let the guilt wash over me.

  “I know. I’d sell my soul to guarantee Beck’s happiness. And Wyatt’s. But watching them feels like that time we hadn’t eaten for two days, and we stood outside the Bluebird Diner, sleet hitting us like B.B. pellets, our noses pressed to the window so we could watch people eat.”

  “Exactly like that.” Ash looked at me and it was clear. We didn’t have a case of man flu. Never had.

  “Well, we’re a fucking pair, aren’t we?” I shook my head at him. “Shit, Ash. At least we’re in this together. If I’m going to have the man flu
for the rest of my life, at least I’ve got good company.”

  It got quiet between us, as we each absorbed our reality. Sucked up the pain. A long silence broken only by the sound of a truck driving by on Market Street and a cardinal chirping from the winter-naked dogwood tree next to the office.

  “I called Jon,” Ash said, staring at his boots before looking back up into my eyes. “I’m giving it a shot too. I refuse to let our parents win. I’m willing to risk getting hurt to grab even half of the happiness Beck and Wyatt have grabbed for themselves.”

  Our gazes locked, and I clamped down on the frantic feeling of abandonment that threatened to explode my chest. The loneliness that had a chokehold on my throat. I pulled in a deep breath and nodded. “Good for you, Ash. Good for you. Jon’s a lucky man.”

  “Gray—” Ash’s eyes burned fierce.

  “Not me, Ash.”

  Ash’s gaze dropped down to his boots, then he turned to the building and took two steps before turning back around. He slid a hand in his pocket, pulled it back out, and tossed something at me. Catching it a foot before it hit my face, I opened my hand and stared at the button in my palm. Ryker’s button.

  “You’re going to have to let go, Gray. I am.”

  But it was easier for him. Because he didn’t know. He didn’t have the guilt of having let Ryker down. Of being the reason Ryker had been missing from our lives for ten years. That guilt was mine, and mine alone. The thought of letting go felt like letting Ryker down. Not doing it again.

  I clenched the button tight in my fist.

  “Gray?” Ash crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his chin at me.

  “Yeah?”

  “I know you don’t think you deserve to be happy. Or loved. I’ve had the same fucking bear clawing at my back. But you do. We all do. In fact…I’ve got a bet for you…”

  “Don’t want to hear it.”

  “This time I’m betting on us, Gray. I’m betting we can reach for the life we want. Are you going to be the first Thorne brother to ever refuse a bet?” He arched an eyebrow at me and waited a beat of time. “I don’t fucking think so.”

  “Why’d you fucking do that?”

  “Because I love you, idiot.”

  Fuck.

  Chapter 28

  Tessa

  I hugged Sully to my chest and watched Gray stare at the car as we pulled away from my house. I watched until I couldn’t see him anymore, and only then did I take a full breath. I giggled when it hit me that the man driving me away from the man who just broke my heart by breaking up with me, was the first man who I’d thought had broken my heart when he’d broken up with me.

  My life was a soap opera.

  “Would you like to go to lunch after you finish volunteering?” Paul glanced over at me before turning back to the road. “We could go to Mac’s. You could get the loaded nachos like you used to.”

  No, we couldn’t. In fact, I couldn’t sit next to Paul and act like everything was just fine for another minute. I couldn’t. If I had Paul drop me off at the Loco Taco on the corner, who could I call to pick me up? Not Laura, since she was at work. Not Gigi, as she didn’t drive. I could try my dad. If he couldn’t pick me up, I’d ask Eli. I was desperate and pretty sure he’d help me.

  I shot both Dad and Eli a text, deciding I’d ask whoever texted back first. Eli responded right away.

  Eli: What can I do you for, ball buster?

  Me: Can you pick me up at Loco Taco…now?

  Eli: Five minutes. But I will need a chalupa grande. And a churro.

  Me: Done. Thanks.

  “Actually, I’m not volunteering today. Can you drop me off at Loco Taco?”

  “There are better places for tacos. We could try Miguel’s.” For a guy who couldn’t stick three years ago, he was suddenly very Velcro-y.

  “Paul, I’m not eating lunch with you. In fact, I’m meeting someone here. But thank you. I appreciate the ride.”

  His jaw clenched and his knuckles went white on the steering wheel, but he put on his signal for a right turn into the parking lot and pulled into a spot. He shut the car off.

  “I’ve been trying to talk with you for months now, Tessa. About us.”

  “I’m trying not to hurt your feelings, but there’s nothing between us. If you recall, you ended it almost three years ago.”

  “Is that it? Are you still angry over it? Because I made a mistake, I know that now.”

  “I’m not angry. I’m just over it. That’s all. No hard feelings. Honest.”

  “I love you, Tessa.”

  “You gave up on me. There were days, weeks even, when I wanted to give up. When I did give up. But you were already long gone. You gave up on me even before I did. Thank God my family stuck by me. They were there to pick up the pieces. To tell me I could make it. They were strong when I was weak. Dad, Gigi, and Laura. They never gave up on me because they love me.”

  “Right. I fucked up. I freaked out. I admit I was scared. But you don’t know what it was like, standing next to that hospital bed day after day, tubes going every which way, machines beeping, not knowing if you’d live. Or walk again. It scared the crap out of me.”

  “I get that. I understand that. The fact is, you had a weak moment. Lord knows, I had plenty of weak moments myself. But after I left the hospital I was in the rehab facility for six months. And then another two years of outpatient rehab to get where I am today. Between the day you broke up and now—you had plenty of time to regroup and figure out if you loved me enough even if I would never be the same.”

  “Our years together were the best of my life. All I’m asking is for you to think about it. Maybe not today. But—”

  “No. I thought you destroyed me when you broke off the engagement and walked away. I get that you were scared. You saw me in the wheelchair and it scared you. Scared me too. What if I never got better? What if I’d be in the wheelchair the rest of my life? Would I ever walk again? Would I be able to dress myself? Feed myself? That certainly wasn’t what you signed up for when you asked me to marry you.

  “But you know what? You did us both a favor. I wouldn’t want to spend my whole life with someone who didn’t love me enough, someone who didn’t believe in me. And the fact that you didn’t break me, that I got over you…I don’t think I loved you enough either. You deserve better too.”

  He leaned against the driver’s door to keep his gaze on me. “Answer me this… If Gray Thorne weren’t in the picture, would you give me a second chance?”

  “This has nothing to do with him.” I shook my head, feeling my lips wobble.

  “I’ve seen how you look at him. Tessa, please tell me you aren’t serious about him,” Paul said. “I asked around about him. He’s a damn player. He’s not interested in you, he’s interested in fucking you. I know you, Tessa. I know what you want. Since the day I met you you’ve been looking for what your parents had. Love at first sight. Meeting of souls. That’s us, Tessa. That’s you and me.”

  “I thought that was us too. Until you walked away from me when I needed you the most.” Plus…my inner voice hadn’t said a word when I’d met Paul. Although it was looking like my inner voice might be wrong about Gray. And I deserved a churro for holding it together and having a mature conversation with Paul after being dumped by the man I’d fallen head-over-heels for. “Okay, Paul. I’m going to consider this closed. I need a churro now. Thank you for the ride, and have a nice life. You’re a nice guy, Paul. Somewhere out there is a woman for you. She just isn’t me.”

  I tucked Sully under my arm, exited the car, and walked around to Loco Taco’s walk-up window and ordered a chalupa grande and four churros. One for Eli and three for me. It felt like a three churro day. And it was only lunchtime.

  Eli’s truck was sitting in the parking lot when I left the window, order in hand. He stretched across the bench seat to ope
n the passenger door and relieved me of Sully and one bag, so I could grab the overhead handle to boost myself up into his truck.

  “Hi, Eli. Thanks for picking me up.” I buckled in, settled Sully between us, and dug into my churros. “Can you drop me at The Lakes? The new retirement community off of New Bern Avenue.”

  “Can do, B.B.” He threw me a grin, then refocused on the traffic to pull out of the parking lot. “Got a sugar daddy over there?”

  I reached over and tweaked his beard. “Sure. His name is Grandma Gigi.”

  “I wish I had a grandma. Is she a sweet little lady who crochets and drinks Earl Grey tea?”

  “Nope. She’s a ball buster, like me.” I winked at him and he laughed. Only I wasn’t kidding. “She hustles pool at the senior center and sneaks shots of Jack whenever she can.”

  “Sounds like my kind of woman,” he said. “What’s up with you?”

  “Nothing. Why would you think something’s up with me?”

  “You just plowed through all your churros…and mine. In under five minutes. That says red alert to me. Red alerts usually involve a man or the IRS.”

  “Your brother is an idiot,” I grumbled.

  “Actually, he has a pretty high I.Q. He just likes to play dumb because he’s lazy and he’s so pretty most people don’t call him out on it.”

  “I mean with women.”

  “Oh, true.” Eli turned into the main entrance and pulled up to the curb in front of the three-story building. “Tessa, my brother can be an idiot. But I’ve never seen him be an idiot like this. This is the first time I’ve seen him try to have a relationship. He’s brand new at it. Just…don’t give up on him too soon.”

  “Thanks, Eli, for the ride.” I hopped out. As for the advice, the pain in my heart was telling me it was too late. Don’t give up on him too soon? Ha! His brother had already given up on me.

  “Hey—one day ask him how much it cost him to sleep with you.”