The Truest of Words

by Georgina Guthrie

  “Where else would I put it?”

  He shook his head and blinked at me.

  “Daniel, when my mom moved to Vegas, I had to go home and decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to toss. This is everything I own.”

  He stood and spun around, taking in the piles of stuff everywhere. “Of course. Jesus, I’m such a dumbass. Sorry.”

  “That’s okay. Make my bed, and I’ll forgive you.”

  He smiled sheepishly and did as I’d asked while I dressed and quickly blow-dried my hair, my breakfast date with my mom spurring us out the door. In the living room, Matt cast a knowing look in our direction from the couch as he scrolled through his phone messages. Daniel smiled smugly, holding my hand and not letting go, even when we’d reached the street.

  This is it. We’re out.

  When we reached the gatehouse, I tugged his hand.

  “Hey. We’ve walked more than twenty feet, and you haven’t kissed me yet. Were you joking upstairs?”

  “Hardly. You know I’d kiss you all day long if you’d let me.”

  “And now you can. Even here in the quad.”

  He tipped my chin up and kissed me. Smiling, I flung my arms around his shoulders, showering his lips, then his jaw, then his neck with kisses.

  “When will I see you again?” he murmured.

  “I’m not sure. Sunday afternoon?”

  “Sunday afternoon? That’s a lifetime away.”

  “It’s two days. You’ll live.”

  “Barely. You know, I don’t mind driving you and your mom to the airport,” he said. “I can play golf with Bryce another time.”

  “No, you need this time with your friend. Let’s stick with the car service. I’d rather say good-bye to my mom at the hotel. I hate airport good-byes.”

  “Whatever works best for you.”

  “Thanks, sunshine. I love you.”

  “I’m sorry, what was that?” He leaned back and narrowed his eyes. “Did you just say you love me, Aubrey Price?” he yelled. “Because I love you, too!”

  “Daniel, what are you doing?”

  “Pretending I’m on a rooftop,” he said. “I’m desperately in love with you, and I don’t care who knows.”

  Chapter 21

  Comfort and Despair

  Two loves I have, of comfort and despair,

  That like two spirits do suggest me still…

  (The Passionate Pilgrim, Poem II)

  SUNDAY MORNING, a white Escalade pulled away from the curb with my mother waving madly from the back seat. A whirling sea of emotions battled in my heart. After a great visit, she was returning to pick up where she’d left off in Vegas. And oddly enough, I was okay watching her go. I was making my own way in the world, seeking happiness in things that were important to me. My mother deserved the same consideration. I smiled, comforted by my epiphany, as the car disappeared into Bloor Street traffic.

  With my mom safely on her way, I was free to return to Jackman, collect my things, and head back to the condo where I’d wait for Daniel to return from his morning golf game. I texted him as I made the short trip back to residence, though he was only an hour into his round of golf and I knew he probably wouldn’t reply.

  Morning, sunshine. Mom just left.

  On my way back to Jackman to grab my stuff.

  Hope you’re having fun. -A

  I pocketed my phone, but it vibrated almost immediately. I perched on the steps in front of the museum to read his response.

  “Fun” might not be the best word… -D

  Uh-oh. I’m afraid to ask… -A

  Wish I’d hit the driving range this week.

  I’m so rusty I’m considering getting

  a tetanus shot on the way home. -D

  Sorry to hear that. Are you having fun anyway? -A

  I am. Trying not to get frustrated,

  but sand is not my friend today.

  Water? Apparently not my friend either. -D

  Oh no… -A

  And have I mentioned holes?

  Also not my friend. -D

  I snorted as I considered the dirty implications of what he’d just written.

  I can’t believe you just said that. -A

  There are certain exceptions to that last claim. ;)

  Sorry, I have to go, poppet. Further humiliation awaits. See you later. I miss you. -D

  I miss you too, sunshine.

  I’ll be waiting at the condo when you’re done.

  Hope the sand, water, and…um…

  “holes” get friendlier… xo -A

  I put my phone in my pocket once again and resumed my trek back to residence. I’m not sure what I expected to find when I walked through the door, but it certainly wasn’t the piles of clothes, backpacks, and boxes stacked inside the doorway.

  I dropped my bag and went in search of answers. Jo dragged me into her room, telling me she was so glad I was back.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “I wish you’d been here last night. It was awful.”

  “What was?” I dropped onto the bed beside her. “What’s all that stuff in the front hall?”

  “It’s Sarah’s.”

  “Is she moving out?”

  “Moved,” Jo clarified. “Actually, more like turfed. Matt and Sarah are finished.”

  “What?”

  I didn’t know why I sounded so surprised to hear that Sarah and Matt had broken up. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t seen this coming, but I’d been holding out hope that I was misreading the writing on the wall, for Matt’s sake.

  “What happened? Did she do something? Did they have a fight?”

  “It’s not that she suddenly did something. It’s more what she’s been doing for weeks.”

  “Meaning?”

  “The whole time Sarah was living here, she was using Matt so she’d have a place to crash while she looked for a job. She didn’t want to spend money on an apartment if she ended up not being able to find work in Toronto. Getting back together with Matt was all an act.”

  “Oh, no.” I put my hand over my mouth. Matt—the kindest, most loyal boyfriend a girl could ask for, and she’d taken advantage of his generosity. “What a bitch.”

  “Totally.” Jo nodded earnestly. “Even her best friend thought so. She called Matt to tip him off. She couldn’t stand to watch anymore.”

  “Shit. So, he confronted her?”

  “Last night.”

  “Where were you?”

  “In here. At first I didn’t know anything was going on. But then Matt started taking her stuff and piling it by the door. She was shrieking, asking him what he was doing and where he expected her to go. He said he didn’t give a you-know-what where she went and if she didn’t get out, he’d throw all her stuff out the window.”

  “Oh, Jesus. Poor Matt. And poor you. Were you mortified?”

  “I didn’t know what to do. Sarah took some of her stuff, and Matt told her she’d better get the rest of it quickly or she’d be buying it back from Goodwill. I tried to comfort him, but I know he wished you were here.”

  “I would’ve come back if I’d known. My mom and I stayed up late talking, but I could’ve easily come back here to sleep.”

  “It was your mom’s last night in town. Matt knew that. I said I’d call you, but he wouldn’t let me. He’ll be happy to see you this morning, though.”

  “Is he around?”

  “He went out for a run earlier, but he’s already back and showered. He might be in his room.”

  That was a good sign. Better than consuming vast quantities of edible oil product and drinking beer in front of the TV like last time. Jo stopped me as I reached for the doorknob.

  “Go easy on him, Aubrey. I know you guys are good friends and you try to make light of stuff, but he was a mess last night.”

  I nodded and headed out to the hallway. Matt’s door was ajar, and his room was empty. I found him in the kitchen, slumped against the counter and staring vacantly at a spot on the cupbo
ard. Dark circles under his eyes betrayed his lack of sleep.

  “Hey, cowboy?”

  I put my hand on his shoulder, and he shook his head and blinked.

  “Hey, sorry. I was zoned out I guess.”

  “You’re reeling, huh?”

  “Jo told you what happened?”

  I nodded. “You okay?”

  “Don’t worry, Aubs. I’ll be fine.”

  “Do you want to talk?” I offered, aimlessly picking up flecks of sugar from the counter with my finger and dropping them into the sink.

  “I don’t know.” He dropped his head, dragging his hands through his hair.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to peer into his eyes. He responded by stepping into my arms. I rubbed his back and listened to his unsteady breathing. We stood like that for a long time, but eventually he pulled away and averted his face, rinsing out a coffee cup and a small plate and placing them in the dish rack. As he dried his hands, he stared into the sink as if some words of wisdom might come whispering out of the drain if he concentrated hard enough. Finally, he turned to look at me.

  “Would you come for a walk with me? I need to get out of here.”

  “Of course.”

  Together we went to Charles Street where I put my hands on my hips and squinted up at the late morning sun.

  “Where to?”

  He bobbed his head toward Bay Street. “Doesn’t matter.”

  We fell in step and headed east. I waited for him to speak, not sure if he felt like talking at all. Somehow, I seemed to have forgotten how to navigate the subtleties of our complicated friendship.

  “This isn’t the end of the world. I know that,” he said at last, jamming his hands into his pockets, a gesture that seemed to belie the confidence behind his words.

  “Breaking up isn’t easy, Matt. It’s okay to be sad.”

  “Honestly, I’ve been preparing myself for this for a while. Sarah’s not the same. The way we’ve been together for the last month and a half…She was different. I knew something wasn’t right, but I kept trying to convince myself I was imagining things, that if I kept trying, things would get better.”

  I sighed and shook my head. Stupid Sarah. I hated her for what she’d done. This was the second time I’d watched Matt deal with the aftermath of a breakup with her, and I wanted nothing more than to kick her ass.

  “Don’t blame yourself. Maybe she couldn’t handle the living-together thing. Or maybe you’ve grown apart. That’s not all that strange at our age.”

  I was grasping. Jo had made it clear that Sarah had been using Matt, but I didn’t know what else to say. He’d loved her. As much as I wanted to curse her name and rake her over the coals, I couldn’t bring myself to be that insensitive. He shrugged noncommittally, and I found myself rambling.

  “Hey, we’ve gone from partying, to realizing we needed to get good grades, to graduating, and now looking for jobs. We’re growing up. I guess some people change more than others during that process. There’s not much you can do. It’s kind of futile to compare who she is now with who she used to be.”

  He stopped and looked directly up at the sky, taking a giant cleansing breath before looking at me, his eyes heavy with emotion.

  “I’m not comparing her with who she used to be, Aubs. I’m comparing her with who I wish she could be.” He took one of my hands in his. “I’m comparing her with you.”

  Daniel

  Chapter 22

  Pursuit and Possession

  Mad in pursuit, and in possession so;

  Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;

  A bliss in proof, —and prov’d, a very woe;

  Before, a joy propos’d; behind, a dream.

  (Sonnet 129)

  “HOLY SHIT, JER, I was wondering if I’d ever talk to you again.” I pinched my phone between my shoulder and my ear as I heaved my golf bag out of the trunk. “Everyone’s been worried.”

  “Sorry,” he said. “I’ve had a lot going on. Now that everything’s set, I can tell you about it.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “When we go over to the UK for the wedding, I’ve arranged to meet Anita…the driver, you know, the one who wrote the letter.”

  I leaned against the car, allowing his words to sink in. “Why the hell would you do that?”

  “See, this is why I kept it to myself. I knew everyone would try to talk me out of it. The ticket’s booked, though. It’s a done deal. I’m flying down to meet her in the south of France. She’s driving up from Spain.”

  I sighed and rubbed my temple. “What are you hoping to accomplish, Jer? The whole thing sounds traumatic.”

  “I need to do this. Think of it as closure.”

  “Can’t you get closure some other way? Write her a letter? Talk to her on the phone?”

  “I’ve already done both.”

  “And?”

  “I felt good about things, but I could tell she didn’t. She’s lived with the guilt of what she’s done her whole life.”

  Was he for real? Rather than focusing on the implications of the accident on his life, he was concerned about her. Jesus.

  “So, this trip isn’t about closure for you at all, is it?”

  “It’s about forgiveness, bro.”

  “Fuck, Jer.” I shook my head, baffled by his ability to bestow kindness on this woman who’d taken his birth parents from him. “Have you told Mom and Dad?”

  “I called them last night. Mom’s freaked out. She wants to come with me.”

  “Which you didn’t agree to.”

  “I don’t need anyone holding my hand. Look, I have to do this. What’s the point of being a forgiving person if you don’t actually forgive people? I need to put things right.”

  How could I argue with that? His generosity was mind-boggling.

  “Will you go before or after the wedding?”

  “I’ve booked a connecting flight as soon as we arrive in the UK. You guys are all going to be busy—”

  “Too busy to insist on joining you.”

  “I’m not trying to be difficult, Daniel,” he said firmly, “but I’m not a kid anymore. I know what I’m doing. Once I deal with this, I can truly move on.”

  “What about Julie? You’re going while she’s at her dance showcase in Germany. Don’t you want her there with you?”

  “I love Julie, but this is about who I am as a person, not who we are as a couple.”

  His words were emphatic. This was not a whim. He’d given this a lot of thought.

  “I admire you for what you’re doing. If there’s anything at all I can—”

  “You’ll be the first to know. Look, I need to jet.”

  “Fair enough. Thanks for keeping me in the loop.”

  After we hung up, I rubbed my aching shoulder and went upstairs. Dropping my golf bag in the front hall closet, I had two goals in mind: first, I needed a beer; next, I needed a massage. Perhaps I could convince Aubrey to give me a back rub. Within a minute of being in the condo, the first goal was addressed. Within two, I realized the massage would have to wait. Aubrey wasn’t back. Surely she had to be on her way. Her mother had left hours ago.

  When I called her, I discovered that not only was she not on her way, but she hadn’t even left Jackman.

  “Why are you still there?” I said. “Is everything all right?”

  “Everything’s fine. Hang on a sec, okay?” There was some rustling and then a door closing. “Hey, sorry I haven’t called. Things are crazy here. Matt and Sarah broke up. Turns out she was using him so she’d have a place to crash. He’s a mess.”

  “Shit, you’re kidding.”

  I felt bad for him, but also a twinge of annoyance. A happily-in-love Matt was a busy Matt. A single Matt was the last thing I needed.

  “The bottom fell out last night when I was with my mom. I missed the fireworks, but I made it back in time for cleanup duties.”

  “So, he’s upset?”

  “I wouldn’t say upset as much as angry. T
he last time they broke up, he was as useful as a house plant for a few days. I think he’s bypassed the gloomy stage this time.”

  “So, how do you fit into all this?”

  “I want to be here for him.”

  “What does that mean?”

  I waited for her answer, wishing I didn’t feel so aggravated. Wishing Sarah hadn’t been an opportunistic bitch. Wishing I wasn’t an egocentric prick.

  “I don’t know for sure,” she said. “Sarah could come by any time to pick up her stuff. I want to be here when she does.”

  “And if you’re not?”

  She paused. “He was there for me, Daniel. When I needed him, he was a rock—when your parents took you to the cottage, through all that shit with Cara. Don’t forget how he went out on a limb for us after our fight. He brought us back together. I owe him…He needs me.”

  I stopped short of telling her I needed her too—that it wasn’t the same here without her—that I needed her in my bed to chase off my bad dreams. That would be playing dirty. She was intent on helping Matt because she thought she owed him, but I owed him as well, so I surrendered.

  “Does this mean you won’t be coming back tonight?”

  “I’ll stay here until Sarah’s grabbed the rest of her stuff,” she said. “Could be tonight, could be tomorrow, I don’t know. You understand, right?”

  “Of course. At least I’m trying to.” I pounded my forehead with my fist. “I just…Fuck, this sucks. I miss you being here.”

  “I miss being there too, sweet-knees.”

  Her soft voice and that crazy nickname knocked the wind out of my sails.

  “You’ll keep me posted?”

  “Of course I will. You’ll get tired of hearing from me.”

  “I doubt that.”

  After we’d hung up, I stared into space, recalling the nights I’d spent alone at the condo while she’d been immersed in her life at Vic. The thought of more solitary nights was not appealing. But if there was one thing I’d learned about Aubrey in the time we’d been together, it was that she would always put herself out to try to make others happy. If I was going to love her for her selflessness, I had to accept that I wouldn’t be the only person benefitting from her generous spirit.