As She Fades

by Abbi Glines

  I stopped walking because he would catch me anyway. Staring ahead at the dark road leading toward campus, I took several calming breaths and tried to tell myself I hadn’t just acted like an idiot.

  “What the hell?” he said as he slowed from his run to stop beside me.

  The hell was I liked him. A lot. I wasn’t used to this. That was what the hell was.

  “I was worried about you. Did I miss something or does my concern give you reason to run down the fucking interstate in the dark?” He threw his arm out toward the road I was headed on. Oops. Guess I hadn’t been going toward campus.

  “I don’t need another brother,” I blurted out.

  “You mentioned that. But I’m not trying to be a brother. Not even close.”

  That made my chest ease a little. Not enough.

  “I’m capable of choosing the right guys to date,” I added.

  He looked skeptical. “This is your first time. I just … I just want you safe.”

  “Why, Slate? Why do you care? Why did you bring me coffees, and text me, and come around? Why did you make me like you? Why? What was your purpose? To prove you could and then let me down?” I really hadn’t meant to say all that, but it gushed out anyway.

  He stared at me like I was speaking another language. Did he really not see that he’d done just that? It all started with that damn coffee in the hospital.

  “You needed coffee and you were alone. I wanted to do something to help.”

  That was all he was going to say to all I’d just thrown at him?

  “Well, you helped,” I said bitterly. Maybe too much. I started walking again. This conversation was pointless.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “To my room,” I replied.

  “We’re about ten miles from the dorm.”

  Well, crap.

  “I’ll get us a taxi,” he told me, and instead of walking into the dark all alone I stopped and turned back around.

  “Fine.”

  “Vale,” he said with a sigh. “Don’t do this.”

  “Do what?” Be honest? Was he against honesty?

  “You know what. I like us. We work. I just can’t be more than what we are.”

  “What are we, Slate?”

  “Friends. Really damn good friends.”

  Fine. That was what we were. I could live with it. This was a part of the dating years I never experienced. Wanting a guy who didn’t return the feelings.

  “Okay. Then, friend, can you get me back to my room? I really want a shower and my bed.”

  He pulled out his phone and made a call. When he was finished, he nodded back to Pancake Haven. “We need to go wait there. That’s the pickup.”

  I started walking back feeling silly and hurt all at once.

  “This isn’t going to change us, is it?” he asked, walking too close. He smelled good.

  “No,” I said, wondering if that was true.

  “You’re important to me, Vale. I didn’t plan on that, but you are.”

  “Okay,” and I wanted to say, You, too, but I didn’t.

  The taxi came fast, so no more awkward conversation about things staying the same. I got out my phone and sent Mae a text along with Charlie. Then I checked my e-mails and Instagram to keep busy. Luckily Slate didn’t try to talk.

  When the taxi finally pulled up to my dorm, I slipped my phone into my purse and forced a smile before looking up at Slate. “Thanks for the ride. See you around.” That was the best I could do.

  The best he could do was let me go. And he did.

  * * *

  WHEN I CRAWLED into bed about an hour later, I picked up the photo of me and Crawford by my bed. “I miss you,” I whispered. Then I opened the drawer on my bedside table and slipped it inside. Tonight I would cry. For Crawford and all we lost. And for finding someone else who I could have loved, but who would never give me the chance.

  It is a weird thing to mourn a relationship that never was. I didn’t know this could happen, but it was real, and it was painful. When I woke up it would all be fresh. A new day. A time to find myself and learn to be happy. Life had dealt me some difficult cards, but I was going to find my own path now.

  I didn’t need a guy to complete me. I never did. I just never had the opportunity to find that out. Until now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  OVER THE NEXT week Slate texted a simple Hey, what you doing?

  I had waited hours to reply. Finally I texted, Studying.

  And that had been it. No more small talk or attempting to keep things as they were. They had actually never been much. He had made sure to not let me get too close.

  Focusing on my classes and finding a job had become my way to get through the week without thinking about him. Too much. The job search wasn’t so difficult. Mae had hooked me up easily enough and tonight I started my first shift. They were throwing me to the weekend crowd on my first night, but Mae would be training me so I wasn’t too nervous.

  The uniform for Polly’s was black shorts that I wished were a few inches longer and a tight blue T-shirt that said POLLY’S BAR AND GRILL on the front. I had asked for a looser shirt, but Mae had explained that Polly herself wanted the shirts tight. It kept the male customers happy. There were televisions all around the place playing different sports and there was beer. I didn’t see why we had to dress a certain way to make men happy. They had beer, burgers, and sports. What more did they need?

  Mae told me not to complain—the outfit helped with the tips. I was thankful that I had a job and I was getting to work with my friend.

  The night started off easy enough. I followed Mae around and watched her work. The computer system for putting in the orders was the only thing that made me nervous. I took mental notes each time she used it, hoping I would get it right when I was doing this by myself. I wanted to start writing these notes down, but that didn’t seem like a good idea. Especially when Mae didn’t even write drink orders on paper. She just remembered them.

  Seven tables and two hours into the night I was relaxing a bit when Mae turned to me and smiled. “There’s a table for you to take on your own. It’ll be good practice.”

  I wasn’t ready for a table alone and I started to tell her that when my eyes met Charlie’s and I understood. She was letting me practice on her brother and his friends.

  “Oh. Okay. I think I can handle them.”

  Mae smiled, nodded in their direction, and walked into the kitchen. I pulled out the little notepad that she had given me, which I had never seen her use. I wasn’t ready to memorize orders. I had to remember how to work that computer first.

  Charlie saw me headed his way and his smile eased my nerves even more. I recognized Drake and Cole. They had another guy with them I didn’t know. His hat was turned around backward and his attention was on the football game.

  “Hello,” I said, smiling. “Can I get y’all some drinks?”

  Charlie leaned back, still grinning from ear to ear. “I’m a fan of the outfit.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m not.”

  “Mae been teaching you the ropes?”

  I nodded. “Yep. Y’all are my first table without her, so if I mess stuff up, forgive me.”

  “We’re a good group to train with. Unless you get Cole the wrong beer—then he’ll be nasty,” Drake chimed in.

  “Don’t listen to him. I’ll forgive any mistake,” Cole replied.

  “You ran off last weekend. Left Charlie here all high and dry,” Drake decided to add.

  I glanced back at Charlie. I was sorry I’d left. He hadn’t deserved me running off with Slate like that. “I know. I was rude. I shouldn’t have left.”

  Cole chuckled. “Sounds like someone found out the hard way just how Slate plays.”

  “Shut up,” Charlie snapped at him.

  “What can I get y’all to drink?” I asked, now wanting to change the subject.

  They each ordered a beer except Charlie, who ordered a Coke. I wrote it down and head
ed back to the computer to put it in. I couldn’t fix the beer—the bartender had to do that. But I’d need to handle the Coke after I had it in the system.

  “You good?” Mae asked, coming up beside me.

  “Yeah,” I assured her.

  “They’ll be a good table for you to practice with. I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thank you,” I replied. I was more than thankful for Mae in my life.

  She nodded, then headed back into the kitchen.

  They ordered appetizers next, then burgers. It was all pretty easy and my confidence was building. I enjoyed this. Getting a job wasn’t just a necessity, but it was going to help fill my free time. I didn’t need to be thinking about Crawford or Slate.

  Maybe fate has a funny way of handling things, or maybe it just likes a good laugh. Heck, I was beginning to wonder if it just hated me in general. Somewhere in my life I’d made an enemy of fate.

  I was about to give Charlie his Coke when I saw Slate sit down a few tables away. He was with a girl. I stood there staring at them. I needed to look away and accept that this was going to happen a lot. The ache it caused me was ridiculous. I hated that.

  Before he could turn his head and see me gawking at him, I jerked my gaze away and swore to myself I’d not look at him again. Focusing on my table was all I intended to do.

  “Here you go,” I said, trying to sound happy.

  They barely tore their eyes off the television to mumble their thank-yous.

  “Y’all need anything else?” I asked, hoping they would say yes so I would have something to do.

  “Yeah, bring me that brownie with ice cream,” Charlie said. Then the table echoed their wanting one, too. So, four brownie delights. I didn’t write that down. First thing all night I hadn’t written down.

  When I got to the computer, Mae met me there. “Ignore his ass,” she said in a disgusted-sounding whisper.

  I shrugged. “Not worried about that.”

  She smirked. “Yeah, right.”

  Okay, so she knew me better than I realized.

  “He was a bad idea,” I told her. “And I’m done with bad choices.”

  “He was a bad choice that most girls make at this school. You figured that out before the others do. Like the one he’s with tonight—she’ll be crying tomorrow night when he’s off with another one. It’s how Slate Allen does things. A girl goes out with him and she has to know it’s just for sex.”

  I was glad I hadn’t slept with him. I didn’t want to be that girl the next day. Being the girl I was now was hard enough. If I wasn’t jealous of the girl he was with tonight, I would feel sorry for her.

  “I need to put in four brownie delights,” I said to change the subject.

  Mae nodded. “Okay. Just ignore him,” she added before walking off and leaving me to the computer.

  Once I had the desserts ordered, I decided to go back into the kitchen and wait for them. But not before I glanced over just once …

  Only to catch Slate watching me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  THE ONE THING I could be proud of tonight was that I didn’t stand there and stare back at him. I quickly turned away and went into the kitchen like I had intended. He was on a date. He needed to be staring at his date.

  The desserts were ready a little too quickly, but I couldn’t hide in the kitchen forever. I placed them all on a tray and headed back into the dining room. Charlie saw me coming and I focused on him. From the look on Charlie’s face, I was pretty sure he’d seen Slate, too.

  He probably thought I was one of Slate’s many after last weekend. I didn’t want that, but leaving with him had been my mistake. Something about spending time with a guy in a hospital made you trust him more than you should.

  “These look good,” I said as I began placing the brownies in front of them.

  “They’re fucking fantastic. Want a bite?” Cole asked.

  “I better not. You enjoy that.”

  I could feel my back was rigid, and I hated that Slate just being here was making me react this way.

  “You okay?” Charlie whispered when I placed his brownie in front of him.

  I forced a smile and nodded. “Yep. Can I get y’all anything else?”

  “Milk,” Drake said. “I should have ordered a glass of milk before. Sorry.”

  “Drink your beer,” Charlie told him, sounding irritated.

  “No, I agree milk would be good with this. I’ll get it. Anyone else?” I needed something to focus on.

  “Well, if you’re getting him one, I want one, too,” said the new guy I didn’t know.

  Charlie grunted as if he was put out with them both.

  “I’ll be right back,” I assured them, and hurried into the kitchen. I felt like I’d scored a victory by not glancing toward Slate.

  I went to the large commercial fridge and got out the open gallon of milk to pour into two glass mugs from the freezer.

  “He left,” Mae said, startling me. I missed the mug, spilling some of the milk over my right hand, then finished filling them. I didn’t want to respond to that.

  “Left a twenty on the table to cover their drinks, then left,” she added.

  I picked up the mugs and turned to look at her. “Guess they didn’t like the menu.” Then I headed out the kitchen door. I had to look this time. Even though I knew he was gone, I had to reassure myself. It was weakness, but I glanced. And Mae was right. He was gone.

  * * *

  THE REST OF the night Mae didn’t bring up the Slate thing. She got the hint I wanted to ignore it, and being a good friend, she played along. I worked behind her after my only table for the night left. The rest of the night went fast. On the way back to the dorm, we stunk up Mae’s car with the scent of fried food. I couldn’t wait to get a shower.

  “You did good tonight,” Mae told me as we got out of the car.

  I took a deep breath of air, hoping to cleanse the greasy smell from my nostrils. “Thanks. It wasn’t so bad.”

  Mae nodded in agreement. “It’s good money and we get to work together.”

  “We just stink of food when the night is over,” I added, and she laughed.

  “True. Soon you’ll get over it, though, and it won’t be as bad.”

  I doubted that. I started to say so, when I noticed a figure standing by the door and paused. It was late, and I didn’t trust what looked from here like a man standing outside a girls’ dorm late at night.

  “What?” Mae asked when I didn’t move forward.

  I started to point out what I saw when he moved, and I could easily make out Slate’s face in the moonlight. Why was he here?

  “Nothing,” I told her. “I thought I forgot my phone in your car, but it’s in my purse.”

  “Oh,” she replied, not sounding very convinced. Slate moved around to stand even farther back in the shadows before we got to the door, and I barely cut my eyes his way before following Mae inside.

  I’d like to say I was going to go right up to bed. Slate was probably here for some other girl. But after him ignoring me for a week, coming to the place I worked on a date, and now this, I was ready to tell him exactly what I thought of him. Especially since guys like Charlie thought I was one of his many castoffs.

  As Mae headed to the elevator, I turned toward the steps. Once I knew she was out of sight I headed back outside.

  Slate was there waiting.

  “Why are you here? Was tonight not enough? There are three other women’s dorms on this campus. Can’t you go screw someone in one of those? Do you have to keep showing up where I am and flaunting your dates in front of me? Does that give you pleasure?”

  “Fuck,” he muttered, and then his hands cupped my face and his mouth was over mine.

  This I had not expected.

  But my body didn’t seem to have a hard time keeping up. My hands slid up his arms and held on while my mouth opened to his, and he took that invitation to deepen things.

  My heart pounded in my chest as my kne
es went weak. I didn’t know knees could actually go weak from a kiss. But mine were. And I couldn’t get enough. His lips were soft and warm, moving over mine as if I were an instrument and he knew exactly how to play me.

  I’m not sure how long I let this go on before reality sank in and I realized I was kissing Slate. I’d never kissed anyone other than Crawford. And when I did, I picked a guy who had just been kissing some other girl he’d taken on a date. That was the cold water I needed to wake me up.

  Jerking back, I covered my mouth and took several deep breaths. I was in shock at me and at him. This didn’t make any sense. I knew better than this.

  Neither of us said anything. We just stood there staring at each other. What could we say? Had he been here for me? No. He’d been on a date. And he had just kissed me. What kind of guy did that? Slate Freaking Allen. That was who.

  “I can’t believe you did that,” I snapped at him, dropping my hand from my mouth and stepping back.

  “Why?”

  Was he kidding? Why? God, did this guy have no morals at all?

  “Oh I don’t know, Slate! Maybe because you are on a date! Waiting on some other girl!” I yelled, pointing back at the entrance to the dorm.

  “No, Vale, I’m not. I was here waiting on you.”

  Oh.

  I stood there thinking about that a moment before responding. Did I want him to wait on me? No. I didn’t want my name attached to his as one of his many one-nighters. It may already be, but I didn’t need to make it worse.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I just needed to see you. Talk to you.”

  “You were on a date tonight,” I pointed out.

  He shrugged. “That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.”

  Well, it meant he was confusing me. Completely.

  “Slate, what is this? Why are you doing this? You want to be friends, then you just ignore me. Now you show up here missing me. I didn’t go anywhere. You chose to stay away from me.”

  He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I know.”

  This conversation was frustrating. I had worked all night and I wanted a shower and my bed. I started to go back inside.

  “Vale, don’t. Please.” His voice was what got me, more so than his words.