As She Fades

by Abbi Glines

  “Okay, fine. You butter the bread. I’ll worry about mixing up the tea,” Mrs. McKinley said.

  “Come on in here and meet my sister.” Knox led me into the bright white-and-yellow kitchen. “Company is here,” he announced.

  My gaze went directly to hers. Her dark hair was different—washed and full of body. It hung long down her back, curling at the ends. She and Knox had the same clear blue eyes. Almost like you could see through them. I’d never admired Knox’s before, but on his sister they had a different effect.

  “Mom, you know Slate,” Knox said.

  I turned my attention to his mother. “Hello, Mrs. McKinley. Thanks for having me.”

  She waved a hand at me. “Now, I’ve told you to just call me Karen. We’re past the proper ‘Mrs. McKinley.’ We’ve had pound cake and coffee together too many times for that.” Her smile was genuine. I had always felt like she wanted me around when I’d come by Vale’s hospital room.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I replied with a smile.

  Knox stepped toward his sister and I was able to focus on her again.

  “And this, as you know, is Vale. Vale, my frat brother Slate. Although he spent plenty of time in your hospital room reading to you, you’ve never actually met.”

  Her smile wasn’t real. Her eyes looked too lost to truly smile. But she tried.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” she said, moving toward me to greet me with a handshake, which I thought was cute. It didn’t last long, though. Her tiny hand was gone too soon and she then gave the attention back to the bread she was buttering.

  “We’re almost ready to eat. Your dad is out back messing with that old engine in the lawn mower again. I swear that man is too stubborn for his own good. We need to just buy a new one, for goodness’s sake.”

  Knox nodded. “So I need to go get him. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Yes, you run and get him and have him wash up. Slate, why don’t you have a seat anywhere you like around the table and I’ll bring you a fresh glass of sweet tea. I want to hear how your uncle is doing.”

  Knox patted me on the back. “Sorry, bro, she’s nosy. It comes with the food,” he whispered, then headed to the back door of the kitchen.

  “Uncle D is playing hardball. Won’t take the chemo treatments and they’re talking about sending him home next week. But I know he’ll be smoking a pack a day once we get there and that’s no good.”

  I glanced over at Vale and she was watching me. Listening. There was concern in her eyes and I knew it was for my uncle. Something about that got to me. A girl who had just woken up from a coma to find out she had missed a month of her life, caring about someone else’s problems. Most girls I knew were too shallow.

  “What happens if he doesn’t have the chemo?” Vale asked. She had a really good voice. The sadness in her eyes was hard to look at. It bothered me. A girl like her should be protected. Not have to face hard shit.

  “He’ll die sooner. The chemo won’t cure him. Just prolong his life.”

  She sighed and put her knife down. “I don’t know that I blame him. Chemo sounds like a terrible thing. But for you, I’m very sorry. I wouldn’t want my parents to go earlier than they had to, either.”

  The frankness of her words was refreshing. She didn’t try to make it sound better. I needed that.

  “Could you get him to stop smoking when he goes home? Might help things,” Karen said. That was the kind of suggestion I was used to.

  “I don’t expect that would be fair, Momma. He’s a sick man and he is dying. Why take away something he enjoys? Would that really help at this point?” Again, Vale’s words were exactly what I was thinking. She got it. She made me feel more human. Stating my thoughts as if they made sense.

  Karen nodded and let out a sigh. “I suppose you’re right.”

  Vale didn’t respond. Instead she put the bread in the oven, then washed the butter from her hands and dried them. I watched her every move. She was fascinating. This girl who I had thought about so often over the past few weeks. Even before she woke up.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  VALE

  IT WAS HARD not to watch Slate Allen during dinner. He was beautiful, but there was something more there. Something I didn’t understand, but I wanted to. It was like I knew him. He had read to me while I was in my coma. Which I understood was because he was friends with Knox and up at the hospital visiting his uncle. He was just being nice.

  I wanted to do something nice for him. Momma had sent food to Slate and his uncle over the past weeks. But I felt like I owed them both a thank-you. For Slate taking time to give my family a break while sitting with me, and for his uncle giving up the time he had with Slate for me. I just wasn’t sure yet what that might be.

  “I think I’ve convinced Mom and Dad to let Vale go to school next month. I promised to bring her home once a week for rehab until they release her. But she’s kicking ass right now—” Knox was cut off by the clearing of Momma’s throat.

  “Language, please,” she said, frowning at him.

  Knox just chuckled. “Sure. Sorry.” He cut his eyes to Slate and grinned. I was sure they both talked a lot worse than that at college. This year Knox would move in to the frat house. I wondered if Slate lived there, too.

  “Are you ready to go?” Slate asked, and I felt his gaze locked on me.

  I was. And I wasn’t. Before, it had been mine and Crawford’s dream. Now it was just mine. He had come back to the hospital the next day and we had managed to talk some about school and my plans. He kept telling me he missed me and wanted to be near me.

  I softened to him some, but I still wasn’t the girl I had been. I wasn’t going back to her, either. She had lost herself. And I had found her again.

  “I’m already enrolled and my first semester is paid for, so I would hate to miss that. Plus there’s no reason for me to stay here.” That was the best answer I had. Because the truth was, Bington was really Crawford’s choice. Not mine.

  “It sounds like you’re not sure,” Slate said, studying me. He didn’t seem to care that my brother and mother were in the room listening to us. It was like it was just us and no one else was there.

  “I’m nervous. Unsure, I guess.”

  “You’ll be fine. I’m there,” Knox said, patting me on the back for reassurance.

  I knew that, but I still was having nightmares. Of the wreck. Those last seconds before everything went black. My family wasn’t talking about it, but they knew. Mom had slept in my room last night to wake me when they started.

  The doorbell rang and Mom stood up, placing the napkin in her lap to the right of her plate. “Not sure who that could be,” she said to herself more than anyone else. “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”

  “What day are you planning on moving?” Slate asked me. He seemed curious about my decisions and future. That was odd, but the way he looked at me—as if he could see something there important—I wanted to answer him.

  “Not sure. We didn’t talk about that. Just that I would be going.”

  Before anyone else could say more, Mom returned … and with her was Crawford. He glanced at Knox with a nod, then at Slate. He didn’t seem very interested in who Slate was, and his attention moved directly to me.

  “Seems we have another dinner guest,” Mom said, motioning for Crawford to sit down across from me.

  “No, ma’am. I’ve already eaten, but thank you. I just wanted to speak with Vale a minute if that’s okay.”

  “Of course,” Mom replied, and I felt like pointing out I was in the middle of eating, but I didn’t want to be rude. So I stood up and motioned my head toward the door to the kitchen.

  “This way,” I directed, and realized again how I had just made a decision. I hadn’t allowed Crawford to determine where we would talk. I didn’t wait on him but went on outside and let him follow.

  When we were far enough from the door that our voices wouldn’t be overheard, I stopped and turned to look at him.

&nbs
p; “I came back after practice. It feels different between us, and I want to fix it, Vale. I just don’t know how to.”

  I wasn’t sure it was fixable. But Crawford was a big part of my past. He had been in my life for the majority of it, and I loved him. I just felt different about him since opening my eyes—and it wasn’t because he hadn’t been there.

  “I’m not sure, either” was my honest response.

  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I love you, Vale.”

  And I loved him. But it was different. I didn’t know how to explain it. So instead of trying, I said, “I know.”

  He closed the distance between us and placed a hand on my arm before leaning in to kiss me. It was nice. Safe. Everything I knew … yet it was missing something. The kiss was no different from any other he’d given me … maybe a bit sweeter, more gentle. But it was empty. Like I’d tasted a deeper kind and wanted it again. But I knew he’d been the only boy I had ever kissed. There had been no one else.

  I kissed him back, hoping to fill the void, but even when the kiss ended and he smiled down at me like he always had, I felt a little lost.

  That night I dreamed of more. Heat, breathtaking excitement, and a rush like I had never experienced. It was the more that filled me. I wasn’t lost but happy. And it wasn’t Crawford who was making me feel that way. The boy from my childhood, the boy I could trust above all others, never once entered that dream. It was almost as if he didn’t exist.

  In that world for a moment it was just me and … Slate Allen.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  SLATE

  DROPPING MY BAGS in my room, I looked around the frat house. I’d be sharing a room with Knox this year. I got to choose my roommate, and he was the easy choice. We had gotten closer this summer than I’d ever been to another guy. Both of us dealing with our own pain in the hospital.

  Knox wasn’t here yet, though. He had texted that he’d be helping his sister get moved in to her dorm first. His parents were nervous about leaving her, even though she had been making excellent progress. Knox said she would only require physical therapy every other week for another month.

  I hadn’t seen Vale again since that night at her house when her boyfriend showed up and took her away for the rest of the evening. I asked about her, though. Knox always said she was adjusting and doing better. He never gave me more information than that. And honestly, why the hell did I need it? I was worried about her because she was my friend’s sister. That was what I was going to tell myself until I fucking believed it.

  Oddly enough, my uncle asked about her regularly, too. It was as if the two of us had some weird fascination with this girl. He’d mention often she was a special kind, and that was even off the wall for him. How would he know? He’d only heard about her and seen her on the news.

  “Hey, Slate,” a female voice purred from behind me. Katie, a blonde from one of the sororities nearby, stood smiling at my door.

  “Katie,” I replied, not in the mood for this.

  Katie had been after me all last year. She had slept with three of my friends. I wasn’t going there. I knew how clingy she got and I didn’t want to deal with a crazy.

  “How was your summer?” she asked, sauntering into the room in a pair of shorts that didn’t cover her ass cheeks.

  “My uncle is dying of cancer. Spent most of it in a hospital.” I decided the honest, direct approach would run her off easy enough.

  As expected, she paused and frowned like she had no idea how to respond to that. She was dressed to fuck. Not to discuss my dying uncle. “Oh, um, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Yeah, I bet she was. I turned to open my bag and started unpacking.

  “Well, if you need anything, you know where you can reach me.”

  Yes, I did. But I wouldn’t be reaching her. “Yeah,” I replied.

  She made an excuse, said good-bye, and left. I didn’t even glance back. That would have been too much encouragement.

  When the door clicked shut behind her, I dropped the shirt in my hand and sank down onto my bed. Silence. Alone. I needed this. Soon there would be very little time to myself. The frat house was never quiet or peaceful. There was rarely time to just sit and think. Actually, never time to just sit and think.

  Last year I’d loved that. The constant party and the girls. Now I had other things on my mind. Being so far away from Uncle D wasn’t easy. I worried about him. I couldn’t get there fast enough if I needed to. That was the hardest part. He wasn’t taking the chemo, but he’d lived almost two months since they said he wouldn’t live even one without it. He was weak and he was hurting. The pain medicine helped ease it, but it wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t take enough to completely kill the pain, because then he was unconscious and he wanted to be awake. He wanted to enjoy his life.

  I’d tried to stay home this semester. To be with him. But he’d adamantly refused. He wanted me here. He said he needed to leave this world knowing I was getting my degree and achieving more in life than he had. Although I thought his life was something to be proud of, he saw it differently. He wanted more for me.

  Being here felt wrong, though. Like I was leaving him when he needed me most. It was hard to do. Explaining that to the stubborn old man had been impossible. He was set that I would go to college this semester.

  The door opened, and I sat up, prepared for another girl. But it was Knox. “She had eight boxes of shit, three suitcases, and then my parents to drive me nuts. But she’s here and I’m thankful for that.”

  I didn’t need more explanation for that statement. I knew he was talking about Vale. “She all moved in?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah. She’s all moved in. Rooming with another freshman who seems as nervous as she is. I’m just glad she didn’t get some raging bitch. My first year I was in a room with a psycho who had these little board game figurines on a shelf by his bed that he talked to at night. That shit was fucked.”

  He threw his bag onto his bed and sat down.

  “Hopefully her roommate doesn’t talk to game pieces,” I replied, glad to have something else to think about other than Uncle D.

  “I don’t think my parents will ever leave, though. They’re hovering over her. Like she might break. If she comes running here to hide, I won’t be surprised.”

  The idea of her running here was appealing to me. Which I needed to check. I was not going to think about that girl all the time.

  “Duke and Neil are sharing a room. I saw it on my way up. Did you know that? They’ll kill each other,” Knox said, laughing.

  “Whose idea was that?” I asked, thinking two more opposite people could not exist.

  “I have no idea. But that should be some funny shit.”

  I agreed. It would be entertaining to watch. And to listen to. If Duke wasn’t such a big teddy bear, he’d toss Neil and his OCD ways out the window. Though he might do it anyway. Definitely not going to be a dull moment around here this year.

  “I need to unpack and go see if Vale will get something to eat with me. Mom’s afraid she’ll hide out in her room and not go anywhere. Want to come?”

  Yes. I stopped myself before I said it, though. If Knox thought I was interested in his sister in any way, he’d blow up on me. We were friends, but he knew me too well to accept me as being anywhere good enough for his sister. I saw that. I was aware of it, but damned if I didn’t want to be around her.

  “Sure. I could eat.” That sounded less excited and more like me.

  He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Let me text her so she doesn’t crawl in bed and hide before then.”

  CHAPTER FORTY

  VALE

  MY ROOMMATE’S NAME was Jude. I’d never heard of a girl called Jude, but I thought that was cool. Very unique. She was also incredibly shy. I was okay with that. I would definitely get quiet time, and for that, I considered myself lucky.

  When my parents finally left, my brother texted that he was taking me to dinner. He didn’t ask. He told me. I would rathe
r unpack my room and read a book, but I agreed to go. I would unpack tomorrow. Jude was busy unpacking her many, many stuffed animals and placing them on her bed.

  She had a soft blue bunny in her hands that she was being more gentle with than the others. My curiosity and the silence in the room got the best of me, so I decided to ask.

  “You collect those?”

  She stopped debating where to put the bunny and turned to look at me. She had big brown eyes and a chubby face with freckles. Her dark blond hair was cut short and she looked younger than a college freshman. But who was I to judge? Maybe I did, too.

  “Not exactly,” she said in a soft voice. I wondered if she ever talked louder.

  I gave her a moment to respond, wondering if “not exactly” was all the answer I was going to get.

  Finally, as I was about to ask more, she put the blue bunny on her bed and picked up a very old yellow bear and showed me. “This was the first one. My birth mother sent it to me on my first birthday. Then every year after, she sent me a stuffed animal on my birthday. My mom said it was my birth mother’s way of letting me know she thought of me and was glad I had a good home. So I kept them with me at night. To remind me I had two mothers who cared about me and that was … special.”

  I had not been expecting that explanation.

  “That’s beautiful,” I replied honestly.

  She smiled then, and her face was really pretty when she smiled. “It is, isn’t it?”

  I was going to like Jude.

  “How old were you when you were adopted?” I asked, without wondering if that was appropriate to ask.

  “My parents brought me home from the hospital after I was born. My birth mother was only fifteen. She wasn’t ready to raise a child.”

  I had gone to high school with a fifteen-year-old mom. It had been hard on her. I remember her coming in to school late, looking exhausted, after the baby was born. She had late nights with her newborn and still managed to get to school that first year. By the time the baby was a year old, though, she had dropped out and ended up getting her GED. I couldn’t really blame her.