This Is Your Life

by Susie Martyn

  ‘Don’t you think Antonia, that Dave would be so much happier if he had another little sheep keeping him company?’ she started.

  ‘Have you been talking to Tim?’ she enquired. ‘Only strangely enough, he asked me the exact same thing. So there’s another orphan going is there?’

  ‘It’s tiny. Tim’s got it at the moment, but Cassie could raise it to live with Dave. You’ve got plenty of room out there… and it might keep Dave outside,’ she added persuasively.

  Antonia snorted. ‘More likely I’ll end up with two of the damn things in the kitchen. I’ll think about it. Anyway, could we go please? Tobes probably got there yonks ago.’

  Fully reinstated back in the heart of her friends again, Lizzie felt gathered back in to the fold. She’d punished herself enough. Toby was eagerly waiting at the Goat, as besotted as ever with Antonia and hanging on her every word. Tim joined them a little later. Finally under pressure from all sides and after several large glasses of wine, Antonia had caved in and agreed to take the lamb, and Katie and Tim were soon head to head deep in conversation. Everything seemed just as it was meant to be.

  But Lizzie’s feeling of quiet complacency was extremely short lived. Jumping to her feet, she only just made it to the ladies before she was violently sick.

  Chapter 18

  Dragged out by Katie to Rumbleford the next morning, Lizzie was still feeling wobbly. They wandered around some of the junk shops before stopping for brunch at a café overlooking the river. The usual picturesque stream had become a raging torrent after all the rain, bearing branches and all sorts along with it.

  As they waited for the bacon sandwiches they’d ordered, Katie sat back and drank her coffee, and then said something quite unexpected.

  ‘You know, I really could live somewhere like this! It’s civilized enough that you can go out for breakfast on a Sunday, like we are, but still feels peaceful somehow. A million miles from London...’

  Lizzie felt a smile creep across her face. ‘But Katie… you’re a born and bred city girl…you wear black and high heels and go out for sushi and to the theatre…’ she teased.

  Katie grinned. ‘I know! Ok. I really like him,’ she said, slightly sheepishly. ‘But don’t go getting any ideas. It’s not as though it’s been that long. But... well…’ Her brown eyes laughed back at Lizzie. ‘You never know…’

  Later on, as Lizzie waved Katie off outside her cottage, an unfamiliar sports car came speeding past. One of the occupants raised a hand, but with the sun reflecting brightly off the windows, Lizzie missed it. As she turned to go inside she heard it slow, but as she glanced back towards the lane, the car had driven off.

  That evening, Lizzie hung her latest bargain, a big, old, white framed mirror that she’d found that morning in Rumbleford, on her bathroom wall. It was exactly what she’d been looking for, its battered looking frame perfect for the cottage. But catching sight of herself in it, she frowned at the weight she’d put on. And that night, she was further perplexed when, catching sight of her naked reflection, she noticed a pattern of prominent blue veins snaking across her boobs. The next morning as she dressed, suddenly out of nowhere, Lizzie realised. She hadn’t had a period in ages.

  Her heart was in her mouth and her legs turned to jelly as the thought sank in, because if she was, only one person could possibly be the father. The last person on earth she’d want a baby with. Jamie…

  Lizzie scrabbled dizzily through her diary looking for the last little circle she always noted it with, feeling sicker and sicker as she searched. Lizzie thought about the sickness, and how hungry she felt, and she’d definitely put on weight... And all since that night with Jamie. Eventually she found the tiny circle – three months ago back in December.

  One of the downsides of living in a small village is that word travels extremely fast, and Lizzie knew that if she went to buy a pregnancy test within a radius of about five miles, the village would know the results before she did. For now, she didn’t want anyone to know, so she drove the ten miles to Pratt‘s Bottom, where she didn’t know a soul, and slunk self-consciously into Boots with her collar pulled up, after a quick scout around for familiar faces. Afterwards, Lizzie couldn’t recall the drive home, only sitting on the loo gazing at the blue line which confirmed the answer she’d been dreading.

  Antonia was speechless when she found out, the only time Lizzie had known it happen. Sitting in her kitchen, absent-mindedly she poured Tropicana into her tea instead of milk, eventually managing ‘Good Lord. Thought you’d just got fatter. Won’t ask how that happened.’

  And in her next breath, faintly disapprovingly, ’your ex I assume?’

  And then Lizzie had to tell Katie.

  ‘Oh Lizzie…what are you going to do?’

  ‘Please Katie, please do not tell Jamie,’ she begged. ‘I really don’t want him to know. Ok?’

  But from there on, it wasn’t long before she was getting knowing nods from Pete, and Bert and the entire village somehow knew. Mrs Hepplewhite gave her a ferocious stare and ‘hmmphed’ most disapprovingly. But one person who took the whole thing in her stride was Cassie, who seemed to think it was cool.

  ‘Are you religious?’ she asked inquisitively, twisting a lock of her long red hair, ‘because I had this idea. You see, I thought I could arrange like a naming ceremony in your garden, with a cake and everything. We could get Eucalyptus to make one, or I could make a Victoria sandwich... And I could put flowers and fairy lights everywhere...’

  ‘And then...’ Cassie twirled around in her jodhpurs, ‘we could have music and dancing. I know what I’m doing, you don’t have to worry. I’ve organised loads of these for the dogs.’

  Aware that things had spiralled out of control again and altogether in rather a daze, Lizzie carried on working, not able to think as far ahead to how she would manage when the baby was born. The thought was completely terrifying. Overwhelmed by the idea that there was a tiny bunch of cells multiplying inside her growing into what would become a whole separate person, she was struggling to get her head round this at all.

  ‘I’ve got a few things put away,’ said Antonia. ‘They were Cassie’s, but you might as well have them. I can’t imagine I’ll get round to having another,’ adding rather pointedly, ‘I mean, there are hardly any suitable men round here, are there?’

  She’d produced a bag full of tiny outfits, but try as she did, Lizzie couldn’t feel the slightest bit maternal. She’d barely adjusted to her new life, and here it was changing again, scarily beyond recognition.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll cope wonderfully,’ said Miriam gently. ‘It’s a shock, though, isn’t it? I couldn’t imagine being a mother until I actually was one. Then all of a sudden, you forget what it was like before.’

  ‘That’s exactly how I feel!’ said Lizzie. ‘I just can’t imagine it at all…’

  ‘It’s hard work,’ said Miriam. ‘Especially on your own. All the time mine were home I never had a moment, but now… I miss them terribly.’

  It’s true that she was still becoming used to the idea of being a mother, and a single one at that, when Lizzie felt a familiar warm wetness between her legs. Which rapidly became a flood. And in the blink of an eye, a whole mish mash of emotions hit her before she consciously and quite calmly registered that in fact what was happening must be a miscarriage. And all her fragile dreams that had barely begun, melted into nothing.

  Antonia and Katie between them stayed with her, feeding her, cocooning her and wrapping her in their love. But Lizzie was far from distraught, just numb. Unable to feel a thing, until suddenly, hating that her poor lost baby would have had a father that didn’t really care, who wouldn’t really have wanted it even, then that made her cry. And then part of her felt relieved, which made her feel guilty and then she cried even harder.

  Angel called in to see her, and sat with her, mopping his own tears as well as Lizzie’s.

  ‘You’d have been the most perfect mother ever,’ he said emotionally, making her cry
yet again. ‘But I’ll tell you what sweetie, one day I just know you will be…’

  Nola brought her a present, which was uncalled for as her presence alone was enough, exuding the quiet strength that calmed Lizzie deep inside.

  ‘Clear quartz,’ she explained, her green eyes serious, ‘to heal your soul, and realign your energy with the universe.’ She looked earnestly at Lizzie. ‘It will help you in many more ways too… It was just one of those things you know,’ she added sympathetically. ‘You do know that don’t you Lizzie? That it just wasn’t meant to be.’

  Lizzie believed her utterly. From that point she suddenly stopped feeling sorry for herself, and unwrapping the blankets, got up to make some tea.

  Cassie’s planned naming ceremony on a beautiful summer day with the first of the roses coming into bloom, became a bittersweet tribute to a soul yet to be born, shared as it was with an eclectic little group made up of Antonia, Katie and Cassie of course, but also Eucalyptus, draped head to toe in funereal black, complete with hanky which she sniffed noisily into, dear Bert who’d even put on a tie for the occasion, and Nola, who had quietly crept in and stood slightly apart from the others.

  As Cassie read a poem and threw handfuls of rose petals into the wind, in the background Lizzie could hear her Mum’s voice - clearer than she would have believed possible, all but feeling the familiar arms round her as she echoed Nola’s words, telling her that yes, it was so terribly sad wasn’t it, but some things just aren’t meant to be.

  Chapter 19

  But in the way that it always does, life went on. Though she knew she’d always think about the miscarriage as the baby that she never knew, Lizzie also knew it would do no good to wallow in it and she was trying to keep herself busy. She looked at her watch - already it was later than she’d thought. Pete was due round at nine to examine her kitchen window. It looked unquestionably terminal to Lizzie, but nothing had changed and it would probably take a year to get it replaced. Toby showed no signs of putting as much boundless energy into galvanising his workforce into action as he did into his sex life. Seriously distracted and as besotted with Antonia as ever, still nothing happened in a hurry.

  As she buttered herself a slice of brown toast, Pete did indeed arrive, his sad eyes brightening at the sight of a cup of coffee, which as always he drank slowly, putting off the moment he might have to actually do something.

  ‘What you need’s a few ‘ens,’ he said suddenly after a while. ‘Me and the missus, reckon we’ve got an old coop you could ‘ave. Know that farm t’other side of Oakley? They sells off their ‘ens after a laying season, only 50p. I allus gets a few for the freezer. Not pretty they’re not, mind. Bin kept in a batt’ry.’ He shook his head and took another swig of coffee. ‘But feed ‘em well and they’ll come good. Keep you in eggs most of the year,’ he added through a mouth full.

  ‘Oh Pete, I’d love some.’ Lizzie meant it. There was plenty of space behind the cottage, and romantically she pictured fluffy, gently clucking birds laying their warm brown eggs in a nest of hay. The generosity of the villagers could be quite heart-warming.

  Pete drained his cup, looking hopefully into it as if waiting for it to magically refill. Realising no more would be forthcoming, he cleared his throat.

  ‘Bout that window,’ he said, a touch indignantly. ’Freed it myself I did, only two winters ago’ as he looked at Lizzie slightly accusingly. ‘Can’t understand it. Better ‘ave a look, I s’pose.’

  ‘Well,’ he reflected, quite sorrowfully after trying and failing to lever it shut, ‘s’pose it’ll have to be replaced then. Best I go back to the office, sees what they want to do. I’ll have to get back to you.’

  As she waved him off, Lizzie didn’t get her hopes up. But, today it didn’t matter. All the windows were thrown open anyway, filling the cottage with the wonderful scents of honeysuckle and newly cut hay in the fields.

  Making more coffee, Lizzie started to think about how she was going to talk Ginny out of her pink garden. And tonight, she and Antonia were going out. Tim’s long overdue locum had at last turned up. Antonia had already met him and unusually for her had blushed bright pink, describing him as jolly hot totty, which had rather put Lizzie off, having seen Antonia’s taste in men.

  Driving back from her meeting with Ginny, Lizzie’s mind was on anything but the road ahead of her. It didn’t look as though she was going to sway Ginny from her vision of pure pink. Lizzie had produced two sketches, one based purely on pink, with mop-head hydrangeas, roses, phlox, delphiniums and so on. Ginny had loved it, her heavily mascaraed eyes glittering unnaturally as she’d rubbed her hands in glee. Then Lizzie had shown her the second, still with the pink flowers, but set amid a background with some white and purples here and there, and which looked so much more subtle and classy, but Ginny hadn’t been convinced.

  ‘You see, Lizzie – oh dear, it’s just not really pink...’

  In the end Lizzie had left her promising to think about it. Narrowly missing a pheasant as she swerved to avoid it, she made it home with only twenty minutes to spare before Antonia was due.

  Looking astonishingly unhorsy for once in a wrap-around dress and make-up, Antonia was early. There was even a waft of Chanel No 5 instead of the usual eau de muck heap. This Leo must really be something.

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re going out like that?’ Antonia asked with her usual bluntness. ‘Bit scruffy for dinner isn’t it?’

  Lizzie’s skin prickled. ‘Antonia, this is me, just like you normally wear jodhpurs.’

  Besides which Lizzie loved her tie dye tunic and faded jeans. Sparkie’s finest,

  no less. ‘Shall we go?’

  At the Goat, the table Tim had reserved was unoccupied, which came as no surprise, vets being notoriously bad at time keeping.

  ‘Red or white?’ asked Antonia. ‘We’ll start a tab. And I’ve simply got to tell you. Remember Euc’s toyboy? Well… Now, don’t spread it around, but rumour has it that Mac’s her son! Seems she had a love affair with a complete bastard about twenty years ago, and Mac was the result! Cassie’s thrilled! Never got over it, I suppose, knowing poor old Euc. Frightfully fragile… Obviously put her off for life! Golly! Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve seen her with a man even once...’

  But the gossip was interrupted with the arrival of Tim and with him one of the sexiest men Lizzie had ever clamped eyes on. It wasn’t just that he was tall and muscular, with the thickest mop of dark hair. That was just the wrapping. This man oozed sex appeal from every pore of his tanned skin. Every slight movement he made, whether the blinking of an eye, a self-deprecating shrug, or that calculated playful smile, had her hormones buzzing like she’d never known possible.

  ‘Lizzie, I’d like you to meet Leo! He’s here for a few months I hope, seeing as the practice has me working all hours of the day and night. Leo, I think you’ve already met Antonia?’

  Antonia giggled coyly and batted her eyelashes, which on her looked faintly ridiculous.

  ‘Lizzie! A beautiful name for a beautiful girl,’ said Leo smoothly, dazzling her with a full wattage, heart-melting smile.

  Lizzie spluttered the mouthful of wine she’d just taken all over him.

  ‘Sorry,’ she choked. Was he for real?

  ‘No worries,’ he said amiably. ‘You ok? Sounds like you’ve a bit of a cough going on…’

  ‘Fine, I’m fine…’ she composed herself.

  Never one to miss an opportunity, Antonia turned to Tim as he came and sat own to join them.

  ‘Darling, about that blasted lamb. Bally thing keeps trying to hump me every time I go outside. Think you’ll have to take his balls off after all. Personally I think we should just eat him, but I don’t suppose Cassie will allow it,’ she finished, looking rather dolefully at him.

  ‘Orphan lamb?’ asked Leo, with a knowing look. ‘Thought so… Cassie, did you say?’ he added with interest.

  ‘Far too young for you, darling!’ said Antonia sharply.

  ‘Don’
t worry, I’ll sort him out,’ said Tim, ’Leo will help me, won’t you mate? Now let’s order – I’m famished. Er, roast lamb all round everyone?’

  Leo was highly entertaining, full of stories about his last job and how he had to leave because his boss’s wife had a crush on him. He clearly enjoyed the attention he was getting and Lizzie soon realised that the self-effacing manner he assumed was all part of a well-honed act.

  ‘Honest,’ he’d said, holding his hands up. ‘I did nothing to encourage her. But it was just a little embarrassing…’ His eyes twinkled wickedly making Lizzie’s pulse race dangerously high.

  It was Leo who drove her home. Tim got waylaid to ‘have a quick peek at Hamish, darling. Seems a touch off colour,’ or so Antonia had said, but then Lizzie never could spot a set up.

  Unlike Tim’s utilitarian land rover, Leo drove a shiny new Audi estate, and on the way back, he didn’t hang about.

  ‘So how about we go for a drink? I need someone to show me around…’ he said extremely casually.

  ‘That would be… cool…’ Lizzie tried to sound just as casual, in spite of her body reacting shamelessly to this glorious specimen of maleness just a few tantalising inches away.

  ‘Well, you better give me your phone number then,’ grinned those mischievous eyes, as they parked outside the cottage. ‘Looks like your chaperone awaits!’

  Darren was perched on the wall, staring most indignantly.

  ‘So then Lizzie…’ His eyes flickered lower then held hers. ‘I’ll call you!’ with no indication of when or anything else as he sped off up the lane.

  Chapter 20

  Ginny’s garden was proving to be a headache, or rather not so much the garden but its owner, who was proving rather demanding, standing over Lizzie while she was working and making impractical suggestions. The evenings were busy with demands of another kind – Leo’s. He’d called, but not for several days. He wasn’t long term material but he was fun, and Lizzie was quite proud that she hadn’t been taken in by him. In fact as a flirtation, it was fine. And everything was going a little too well, she should have realised.