Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  His hands rested on my hips and he looked down at me with a cocky smile. I was staring at the face of the most beautiful man I’d ever touched. I felt my face flush from embarrassment. I hoped he didn’t get the wrong impression from the way I was dancing with him. Then I remembered that Ryan was here somewhere and my eyes did surveillance to see if he was watching. I wasn’t sure how he would react to this kind of thing and I certainly wasn’t in the habit of dancing with guys while my boyfriend was in the same club. I didn’t see him anywhere so I returned my attention to the stranger in front of me. Looking down to avoid further eye contact, I noticed he was wearing a tight grey t-shirt, highlighting a great set of arms and a defined chest. I couldn’t help but notice the tattoos covering every inch of his forearms; he was definitely not someone you could ever bring home to Mommy and Daddy.

  I felt a finger under my chin, lifting my gaze back up to his eyes. “Hi,” he said. I couldn’t quite hear his voice, but I could read his amazing lips under the strobe lights. God, he was beautiful; the type of beautiful that rendered me temporarily speechless. I wasn’t sure how long I stood there searching for something to say, but it was long enough for me to completely forget my own name.

  “I’m here with my boyfriend,” I finally blurted. It came out so quickly I wasn’t even sure he understood a word I said. Why did I always turn into a blabbering mess when I was nervous? Did I mention that when he smiled two magnificent dimples appeared? Dammit.

  I watched him look around and then he smiled. “I don’t see a boyfriend. Sorry, you’re going to have to come up with something a little better than that. Try again.” Who did this guy think he was?

  I pressed my lips into a tight line. “No, I’m really here with my boyfriend. Right, Jade?” I turned around to pull her into the conversation, but she was gone. This was not going well. This mystery man had unnerved me by putting his hands on my body and flashing those incredible dimples and there was no one around to save me. Ryan was probably sitting at the bar, slowly nursing his first beer, while Jade was doing God knows what with a guy whose name she would never know.

  I hesitantly turned back toward him until our eyes met again. He seemed amused as he continued to smile down at me. “So do you want to keep dancing? Or can I buy you a drink?” he shouted over the music. I was used to guys hitting on me, but usually when I said I had a boyfriend they got the hint.

  “I…”

  Before I could finish I felt a hand on my back and turned to see Ryan, who wore the same blank face as before. “Are you ready to go? Jade said to go ahead, she’s catching a ride home with Dan,” he said, looking down at me. At least she got his name before she left with him, I thought.

  I realized that Sexy Stranger’s hands were still on my hips and my heart rate picked up. I was in the middle of the dance floor talking to my boyfriend while another guy had his hands on me. I felt like I could faint at any moment. I wasn’t the type of girl who usually got herself into these situations. Warm breath hit my ear, sending shivers down my body. “If I were your boyfriend, I would be asking what my hands are doing on your body. Are you sure this is your boyfriend?”

  Ryan must have then noticed what was going on behind me because his eyes started dancing back and forth between the two of us and a scowl lined his boyish face. He looked as mad as I’d ever seen him; the look was foreign on him. “Why does this guy have his hands on you?” he asked, rubbing his hands over his eyes and through his slightly too long hair. He looked incredibly tired and I couldn’t blame him. We drove four hours from his parent’s home in the Hamptons to come back here for the night and he had to catch a plane back to Stanford in the morning.

  I shook my head, placing a finger over his lips. “Not here. Let’s go back to my room and talk. We’re both tired and it’s loud in here.” He nodded slightly before he looked back over my shoulder. I followed his gaze to find that Sexy Stranger was no longer standing behind me. I was so wrapped up in what was happening between Ryan and I that I hadn’t felt his hands leave my body. I grabbed Ryan’s hand and lead him outside without saying another word.

  Sometimes I wished Ryan would just yell at me, show me some emotion and passion, but this was classic Ryan. He would never argue and he would never yell; he lived his life in a sea of calm. I knew Ryan was passionate about becoming a doctor and helping people, but I wished he showed that type of passion toward me.

  I liked Ryan, but lately I realized we weren’t going to have the fairytale I’d always dreamed of. I wanted the type of love I could feel from head to toe, the type where I felt every kiss deep down in the pit of my stomach, the type where the mere mention of his name made me smile from ear to ear and ignited a passion within me so strong that even on our worst days our love was better than any other love around us. I couldn’t string him along any longer. It wasn’t fair to him or me. I planned on discussing it with him in the morning, before he left, but now seemed like as good a time as any. He was comfortable for me, but I couldn’t use Ryan like a security blanket anymore. We both deserved something better. I took a deep breath before addressing him. “Ryan, I think we should talk,” I said, my voice cracking with every word.

  Ryan joined me on the edge of my bed, rubbing his hands together, which I knew was a telltale sign he was nervous. “What’s going on between you and that guy from the club? I saw his hands on you, Alex. I’m not a jealous person, but I don’t like to see another guy touching you like that.” I shook my head in an attempt to reassure him that there was no one else. I hated that he thought there was, but maybe it was a sign of what we’d become.

  “I don’t even know his name.” I started to pick the nail polish off of my fingernails. I couldn’t will myself to look into his eyes. I’d known Ryan long enough to know what his eyes looked like when he was sad.

  “What? You let some guy, whose name you don’t even know, touch you like that? God, Alex, I was right there,” he said, raising his voice slightly as he raked his hand through his hair. This was going to be so much harder than I had even imagined.

  “I thought it was you. I was dancing with Jade and felt hands on me and thought it was you,” I replied, not even trying to mask the frustration in my voice. I briefly looked up at him before returning to my nails.

  “I guess I’m just upset that I have to say goodbye to you tomorrow. The last few months have been harder than I thought they would be,” he said as I turned back toward him. He ran his fingers along the line of my jaw, adding to the weight of my already heavy heart. “I miss you,” he whispered. I could see the ache in his eyes as he looked into mine. I hated that I had to do this. Every single part of me hurt because I was getting ready to let go of one of my best friends.

  I was a people pleaser by nature. I did everything I could to not hurt others, even if the result of that was hurting myself. It was time to talk to him, no matter how much it was going to hurt both of us. This was me taking control of a little bit of my life.

  My lip quivered as I tried to gain enough composure to speak. “I think we should take a break. We’re thousands of miles apart and never get to see each other. I need to concentrate on school and you should be doing the same.” I wasn’t sure if I saw sadness or contemplation in his eyes, but I decided to grab his hand with mine to comfort him. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t do anything to tighten our grip either.

  He sat quietly, looking across the room. “I don’t think we need a break. God, Alex, where is this coming from?” he whispered. I knew this wouldn’t be easy.

  “Are you happy?” I asked.

  “What?” His eyes jumped up to meet mine.

  “Are you happy?”

  “Why would you even ask that?” he asked, raising his voice slightly. His eyes were searching my face like it would give him all the answers.

  “Ryan, don’t you think we both deserve the full college experience without worrying what the other is doing? I’m not saying I don’t like you or that I want to be with someone else, but this long distan
ce thing just isn’t working for me right now and it doesn’t seem to be working for you either.”

  He sighed. “It is harder than I thought it would be, but I don’t want to lose you forever and it feels like I am.” His admission tore at my heartstrings, but I knew deep down inside that I was not the one for him; he could find someone better. We were meant to be friends and anything more was forced.

  “I would say everything will be fine again this summer, but after that we have another eight months apart. I can’t promise you anything.” This was not my heart speaking, but my head. I couldn’t deal with all the potential pain right now. Not to mention that once my mother found out that I dumped Ryan Hill, I would never hear the end of it. It would be much easier to tell her I needed a break than it would be to tell her we were done. The truth could be addressed later. Maybe he would find someone who would fill the void I never really could; I wanted him to be happy.

  His eyes pleaded with me. “Please, don’t do this. We can make this work. I’ll come visit more often and-”

  I cut him off as tears started to roll down my face. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this right now. Please understand.”

  I watched as his face twisted in pain, causing my tears to fall even faster. I was not enjoying any part of this. “Do you want me to leave?” he asked, staring down at his hands. My heart dropped at the thought of him wandering the city, looking for an open hotel room. Or even worse, spending it in the airport.

  “Of course not. You can stay here tonight. I’ll just put my sleeping bag on the floor and you can have my bed.”

  His head snapped up to look at me. “I’m not sleeping on your bed while you sleep on the floor.”

  “Yes, you are.” I threw my sleeping bag on the floor and grabbed a pillow. “I’m going to go get ready for bed.” I glanced at him and my chest squeezed when I noticed the sadness in his eyes. I felt guilty for not mirroring that same level of sadness in my own. I cared for him. Scratch that. I loved him, but it wasn’t the type of love that made butterflies appear in my stomach or made my heart beat faster when I saw or thought of him. I felt kind of stupid saying that since it had never happened with any of my relationships, but it had to exist somewhere.

  The day would probably come where I would have to accept what was expected of me and marry an Ivy League educated man who my parents approved of. Would I find one that makes my heart flutter? Most of me thought it would never happen; I had only seen those types of relationships on TV or read about them in books. I learned a long time ago that most of my family and friends had plastic hearts. Plastic hearts are made so they cannot be broken. Cracked maybe, but never broken. They made decisions based on outward appearances and ignored all emotion. That was applied to all aspects of life, even relationships.

  When I returned to my room, Ryan laid on my bed with his back to me. I couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or not and I didn’t move to find out. Tomorrow was going to be awkward and the sooner I got to sleep, the sooner I could face it.

  But there was no such thing as peaceful sleep when you’d just broken someone’s heart.

  The next morning was as awkward as I imagined it would be. In all honesty, I was sure he wanted to leave just as much as I wanted him to. I didn’t want to lose him forever, but I recognized the need for space and time. We both needed time to digest what had happened last night so we could decide what we wanted the future to look like.

  I heard him walking across the floor and quickly rubbed my eyes as I watched him grab his bag and head toward the door. My heart dropped. “Are you leaving?” I asked, lifting my head off the pillow.

  “No, I was just going to go shower quick. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He didn’t look at me as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

  Today was going to be difficult, but once it was over I would feel like I could breathe again. It was hard to make this decision, but there was so much peace in doing it. I would drop him off at the airport and get everything ready for class tomorrow. Hopefully Jade would be home soon so we could watch some sappy romantic movie on Lifetime and share some chocolate chip cookies from the bakery down the street. I needed some girl time, something to make me forget the pain I saw in Ryan’s eyes last night. Jade may be the oil to my water, but I really missed her while I was home for winter break. I realized how much oxygen she breathed into me when everyone else seemed to suck it out.

  The door opened, taking me away from my thoughts. Ryan met my eyes just for a second before he walked over and sat on the end of my bed. He rested his chin on his chest and kept his gaze locked on the floor.

  “I’m going to go jump in the shower. When I’m done, do you want to go grab some coffee? I mean, I know we have to leave soon for the airport, but I thought you might like something to eat before you leave,” I said, trying to break the silence.

  He sat with his elbows on his knees, never looking in my direction. “Actually, I think I’m just going to call a cab and grab something at the airport,” he mumbled. My chest tightened as I listened to the sadness that tinged his voice. It was hard to break anyone’s heart, but when that person was Ryan it was magnified times ten. I wished there was a way to do this without hurting him.

  “Ryan, please don’t leave like this. I can drive you to the airport.” I wanted to do the right thing. I knew he wasn’t going to leave happy, but I didn’t want him to be upset either.

  “No, Alex, I think it’s better if I just go. Let’s not drag this out longer than we have to,” he said, his voice strained. He was looking at me again and the awkwardness hung in the room like a thick storm cloud.

  “If that’s what you want. I just don’t feel right making you grab a cab when I can take you,” I whispered.

  “It really isn’t a big deal. I think it’s better if I just go,” he said, sounding frustrated. Maybe it was best if I let him have this victory.

  “Alright. I’ll call you a cab.” I got up from my bed to grab my cell phone.

  He continued to look at the floor. “Thanks.”

  “I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I feel really bad about this, but I think we both know it’s for the better.” I felt like I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to comfort him.

  He stood up to retrieve his bags and walked towards the door, stopping when his hand reached the knob. “I just need some time. Give me some time.” As soon as the door closed, I settled into my bed and breathed in the smell of Ryan before I let myself fall apart. Ryan and I had attended our first day of school together; we learned to swim and ride our bikes together. He was my friend before I even knew what a friend was and I never imagined I would have to let that go. I hoped that time would heal us and our friendship would be restored. Eventually I settled into a deep sleep as exhaustion took over my body, leaving the sorrow I felt behind.

  The door slammed and startled me awake. Jade. That girl couldn’t do anything without making noise and drawing attention to herself. Her eyes danced around the room before they finally stopped on me. “I thought you had to take Ryan to the airport. Where is he?” she asked. Even in the morning, after she completed her walk of shame, she looked good. Her long dark hair was pulled into a knot at the top of her head and her large green eyes didn’t have a touch of mascara smeared around them. She was absolutely gorgeous and knew how to use it to her advantage.

  “Remember how I said I thought it was time to make a change? Well, I broke up with Ryan last night and he decided to catch a cab to the airport alone this morning,” I muttered as I rolled the corner of my comforter between my fingers.

  She stared at me, mouth wide open. “Are you kidding me? You dumped Ryan? Wait, did he spend the night here last night after you dumped him?” She was talking so fast that I was having trouble keeping up with all of her questions.

  “No, I’m not kidding. Yes, I broke up with him and yes, he spent the night here.”

  “Wow. How did he take it?” Her interest in Ryan’s feelings
caught me a little off guard. This was coming from the girl who went through boys at lightning pace and never stuck around long enough to develop any real feelings. She said she was too young to be tied down and just hadn’t met her Mr. Right yet. Something told me she was afraid of commitment, but I had my own issues so I just left it alone.

  “He took it hard, I guess.” I relayed the events of last night and this morning while she sat there, looking at me with a stunned look on her face.

  “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  “There’s something missing. I know eventually I’ll have to marry someone like Ryan to make everyone happy, but I’m not about to string him along when he’s across the country.”

  She shook her head at me. “I’m so sick of hearing you talk about making everyone happy. That is a bunch of bullshit! The only one who needs to love the person you are with is you.” I saw her point, I really did, but she didn’t have my pressures. Her parents were totally cool, hence why Jade was the way she was.

  When she left the room to shower, I relaxed back into my bed, trying to fall back to sleep, when there was a knock at the door. At first I ignored it, thinking it was one of the girls from down the hall wanting to borrow something; I wasn’t in the mood to be social today. The knocking continued a few more times before I heard the person on the other end. “Alexandra Riley, open this door right now. I know you’re in there.” My heart started to race out of my chest at the thought of having to face her. I knew who that voice belonged to and why she was here. This weekend could not go any further downhill.

  The woman behind that door was a constant source of stress and sadness for me. There was rarely a minute that went by when her voice didn’t play in my head. You need to be better, Alexandra. Why can’t you be more like your sister? Why are you wearing that? You shouldn’t be eating that, Alexandra. It played over and over like a bad pop song and no matter what I did, I couldn’t turn it off.