The Call of the Mild p-3

by William Rabkin

  But no one else in the house was acting like it was a dream. Shawn was carefully studying the room, while Lassiter, kneeling by the body, was barking orders into his cell phone. When he was sure no one was looking at him, Gus glanced down casually and made sure that his clothes were firmly in place. They were. This was reality.

  Lassiter snapped his cell phone shut and stood up, seeming to notice for the first time that Shawn and Gus were still in the room.

  “You two, out,” he snapped.

  “Make that three.”

  Gus, Shawn, and Lassiter all wheeled around to the front door. The man standing there was over six feet tall with the bleached blond hair and ropy muscles that come from a lifetime of playing beach volleyball. His uniform seemed to have been designed to show off his physique-short khaki pants that exposed most of his thighs and a baby blue polo shirt that was tight across the pecs and featured the stencil of a badge and official logo Gus couldn’t make out from across the room. A holstered gun hung off his thigh.

  “Stand down, Officer,” Lassiter said. He reached into his breast pocket for his ID. But before he could get his hand near his lapel, the blond man had his gun out and leveled at the detective.

  “Don’t move!”

  “It’s going to be hard to get out if I don’t move,” Shawn said.

  The blond man shifted his gun sights to Shawn, then back to Lassiter.

  “You know, sometimes I can go for an entire week without having a gun pointed at me,” Shawn said. “Now it’s two in one day. Go figure.”

  “Officer!” Lassiter’s bark brought the blond man’s attention-and his gun-back in his direction. “I am Detective Carlton Lassiter of the Santa Barbara Police Department. I am reaching very slowly into my pocket to pull out my ID.”

  “You just make sure it’s nice and slow, ‘Detective,’” the man said.

  “Now that’s impressive,” Shawn said.

  “What’s that?” Gus said.

  The man kept his attention focused on Lassiter.

  “Most people would feel the need to use air quotes to put that much condescension around the word ‘detective,’ ” Shawn said. “Blond guy did it with his voice alone.”

  Very slowly, Lassiter reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a wallet, then let it fall open to reveal his badge and ID. “I’ve identified myself,” Lassiter said. “Now you.”

  “Officer Chris Rasmussen, Isla Vista Foot Patrol,” the blonde said. “All my ID is right here on my chest.” He patted the insignia on his polo shirt. “We small-town law enforcement personnel don’t get a pretty tin ‘badge’ like they give the big-city police folk.”

  Now it was Gus’ turn to be impressed. “You’re right,” he said to Shawn. “I know both of his hands were occupied, but I could swear I saw air quotes.”

  “Now that I know who you are, maybe you could tell me what you’re doing in this house?” Rasmussen said. He lowered the gun to his side, but he didn’t holster it.

  “These two men are private detectives who have occasionally helped out the Santa Barbara Police Department,” Lassiter said.

  “Occasionally?” Shawn said.

  “That’s fair,” Gus said. “We don’t solve all their cases.”

  “Just the hard ones,” Shawn said.

  “Silence!” Lassiter snapped, then turned back to Rasmussen.

  “They called me suggesting that the occupant of this house, one Ellen Svaco, might be in jeopardy. When we got here, the door was open-”

  “And it sounded like David Hedison was about to be eaten by a spider,” Shawn said.

  Lassiter glared at Shawn, then stepped aside, giving Officer Rasmussen a view into the bathroom. “Unfortunately we were too late. I’ve called it in, and the forensics team will be here in a few minutes.”

  Rasmussen’s gaze flickered as he saw the body, but it hardened again as he turned back to Lassiter. “So you got a call and you just hoofed it on down here without a care in the world.”

  “My ‘care’ was for the victim,” Lassiter said.

  “That was pretty good, too,” Gus said to Shawn.

  “Worth a one-handed air quote at best,” Shawn said. “I’ve heard Lassie much more condescending than that.”

  “Was there some other ‘care’ I should have been concerned with?” Lassiter said.

  “Much better,” Shawn said to Gus.

  “Something we small-town law folk call jurisdiction,” Rasmussen said. “If you have reason to suspect a crime has taken place on my streets, you call me first.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” Lassiter said.

  “Try me.”

  “Listen, McCloud,” Lassiter said. “This isn’t Dogpatch and it isn’t Hazzard, although if it were, you’d certainly have the shorts for it. This is still Santa Barbara County-”

  “That’s right,” Rasmussen said. “Santa Barbara County, not city. You’ve got no jurisdiction here.”

  “There’s a dead woman two feet behind me,” Lassiter said. “I hardly think the question of which law enforcement agency catches her killer is of primary importance.”

  “Funny, that’s not what your people said when my hot pursuit crossed your precious city limits,” Rasmussen said. “That time, jurisdiction was important enough to throw me in jail overnight.”

  Lassiter stared at him in astonished recognition. “You were the idiot who went screaming down State Street at ninety miles an hour?”

  “It’s called hot pursuit for a reason,” Rasmussen said.

  “You weren’t even in a police car,” Lassiter said. “Just some crummy old Mustang.”

  “We’re the Isla Vista Foot Patrol,” Rasmussen said. “It would look bad if we had official vehicles, so when need arises we volunteer our private cars.”

  “As I recall, the ‘need’ in this case was some punk spray-painting a street sign,” Lassiter said. “And that was your excuse for jeopardizing countless innocent lives.”

  “We take our laws seriously here,” Rasmussen said. “Which is why I’m taking over the investigation of this apparent homicide.”

  “This is my case,” Lassiter said.

  “This is my jurisdiction,” Rasmussen said.

  “I’m not leaving,” Lassiter said.

  Rasmussen raised his gun. With his free hand, he pulled his cuffs off his Sam Brown belt.

  “In that case,” he said, “you’re under arrest.”

  Chapter Eleven

  “Put your hands on your head,” Rasmussen barked at Lassiter.

  Lassiter stared at him coldly and didn’t budge. Rasmussen stared back. Each man was frozen, waiting for the other to make the first move.

  “Shawn!” Gus hissed. “We’ve got to do something.”

  “Yeah, let’s go,” Shawn said. “I’m getting hungry again.”

  “We can’t leave Lassie,” Gus said. “He’s only here as a favor to us.”

  Shawn thought this over and reluctantly came to the same conclusion. With a heavy sigh he stepped between the two policemen. “I’ve seen this scene in a hundred movies, and it never makes any sense. You’re both on the same side.”

  “He’s right,” Gus said. “You both want the same thing.”

  “Well, not all the same things,” Shawn said. “Officer Rasmussen clearly desires a tan that will put George Hamilton to shame, while Lassie aspires to the subtler shades of your average mushroom. But I think we can all agree that what you both want most of all is to find the person who killed Ellen Svaco.”

  “Stay out of this, Spencer,” Lassiter said.

  At the sound of the name, Rasmussen’s head swiveled over to Shawn. “Spencer?” He stared. “I thought I recognized you. Are you Shawn Spencer of Psych?”

  “So my fame has traveled all the way to Isla Vista,” Shawn said. “My master plan is working. Soon they’ll know Psych even as far away as Oxnard.”

  Rasmussen walked over to Shawn, holstering his gun as he went. “It’s an honor to meet you.”

  “Well,
thanks,” Shawn said.

  “Your father is my hero,” Rasmussen said, giving Shawn’s hand an enthusiastic pump. “The greatest cop this state has ever seen. I used to read about him in the papers. Sometimes I even wish he could have been my dad.”

  “There were times I wished exactly the same thing,” Shawn said.

  “He’s the reason I became a police officer,” Rasmussen said. “If only I could work a case with him my life would be complete.”

  “Hard to imagine such a rich life isn’t complete already,” Gus said.

  “Indeed,” Shawn said. “Too bad my dad is retired.”

  Outside the bungalow a black crime scene van pulled up to the curb.

  “But of course, no one ever really leaves the Santa Barbara Police Department,” Lassiter said. “I talked to Henry just the other day and he was saying how much he missed the life.”

  Rasmussen wheeled back to Lassiter as if he’d forgotten the detective was there.

  “He did not,” Shawn said. “He loves being retired. He can spend all his time figuring out ways to torture me.”

  “May I speak to you for a moment, Shawn?” Lassiter said. His voice was mild, but his eyes flashed sparks as he walked over to him.

  “Hey, I told you to freeze,” Rasmussen said. “And you need to freeze right now.”

  “No,” Lassiter said. “I don’t think you’ll want to explain to Henry Spencer why you shot his protege.”

  “You are so not my father’s protege,” Shawn said as Lassiter came up with him. “And having put in many years as his unwillingly designated protege, let me say how lucky that makes you.”

  “Spencer, I need your help,” Lassiter said. “The forensics team is right outside. If this jackass wants to make a fuss, he can tie them up for hours before they get to the body.”

  “He can’t seriously stop your investigation, can he?”

  “He can slow it down, and that’s almost as bad,” Lassiter said. “This woman was in your office this morning, and now she’s dead. I am not going to let that stand, and I don’t believe you are, either.”

  Shawn glanced over at Gus, who nodded his agreement. “I’m sure my father would love to help out on this case,” Shawn said loudly.

  Rasmussen lit up like a kid who’d just seen Santa slide down his chimney. “Really?”

  “Only as a personal favor to his protege, of course,” Shawn said. “It would have to be an SBPD case all the way.”

  “A joint task force,” Rasmussen said.

  “With Santa Barbara in lead position,” Lassiter said.

  “Done.” Rasmussen put out his hand.

  Lassiter ignored it and marched to the door, where the first members of the forensics team were assembling. “Body’s in the bathroom. Get me something fast.”

  “And make sure I get copied,” Rasmussen called as they filed past him. “When are we meeting with Henry Spencer?”

  Lassiter turned back to Shawn. “Yes, Shawn, when are we meeting with Henry Spencer?”

  “Meeting?” Shawn said.

  “To work on the case.”

  Shawn gave him a blank look. “I thought we were just saying that to get this yokel to let your guys in.”

  “I think he’ll notice if Henry isn’t actually involved in the case,” Lassiter said. “And he can still make plenty of trouble if we need to do any more investigating in Isla Vista.”

  “I really don’t think this is a good idea,” Shawn said.

  Lassiter sighed irritably. “Then it’s just like it’s one of yours. Look, Henry doesn’t actually have to do anything. He’s just got to show up.”

  Shawn looked for a way out, but couldn’t find an opening.

  “I’ll try to get him to your office tomorrow morning.”

  “I’ll be there at eight sharp,” Rasmussen said.

  “Good, you can make the coffee,” Lassiter said. “We’ll start at nine.”

  Shawn and Gus squeezed past the entering investigators and headed back to their car.

  “I don’t believe this,” Gus said. “What a day.”

  “Tell me about it,” Shawn said. “We start out looking for a necklace just to annoy Lassie, and we end up facing multiple murders.”

  “Multiple?” Gus asked. “Who died besides Ellen Svaco?”

  “Me,” Shawn said. “Because when I tell my dad that I volunteered him to work a case with Lassie and this idiot, he is going to kill me.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Henry Spencer raised the sticks high above his head. And waited. He’d torn the sleeves out of his sweatshirt to give his arms complete freedom, and tied a bandanna around his forehead to keep the sweat out of his eyes, and pulled on jeans that hadn’t fit in ten years because-well, he wasn’t quite sure why they’d told him to do that. But this was the moment he’d been dreaming of for weeks, the instant he’d rehearsed in his head time after time. Around him, the three others waited, poised just like him, waiting for the computerized keyboard to finish its preprogrammed run. Then they’d all kick in.

  Henry Spencer had never wanted to be a rock star. He’d never yearned to be onstage with a Stratocaster between his legs and thousands of fans screaming at his every move. He’d never learned to pick out the opening notes of “Stairway to Heaven” on the display model in the guitar store or stood in front of his mirror practicing the front-footed stance unique to rock gods and Jack Kirby superheroes.

  In his teens, in fact, Henry was almost completely oblivious to music. While his high school buddies were rocking around the clock or shaking their money maker or getting their groove thang on, Henry was doing his homework or attending practice for whichever sport was in season. He was vaguely aware that there were such things as radios, and that they tended to blare out their noise wherever he happened to be, but none of it made any more impression on him than the sound of traffic in the distance.

  It wasn’t that Henry disliked music. It was just that it was a distraction, and Henry never had time for anything that would take him away from his chosen path.

  At least until that path reached its end.

  Although Henry liked to think of himself as the same driven man he’d been before he retired, his mind and body were beginning to rebel against the decades of discipline. He told himself that it was important he continue to rise every morning at five seventeen, but his physical self knew there was no actual reason to wake before the sun, and his hand had started to hit the snooze before his training could stop it. When he set out for a quick six-mile jog, his legs began to suggest it might be nicer to stroll before they’d hit the halfway mark.

  Henry was mature enough to expect the physical changes age was inevitably bringing, but the mental ones were a continual shock. And none was more shocking than what happened the day he was cruising the manager’s specials at the Food Giant looking for a discounted steak that was still hours away from its expiration.

  He noticed the song playing over the sound system.

  Except that he didn’t just notice it. He recognized it. Recognized that it was called “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo” and that it concerned a young man who traveled across the country in an old car, without any destination in mind. Henry tried to tell himself that he must have noticed the song in his teens because its philosophy of aimless wandering annoyed him so much, but that didn’t explain why he had just caught himself humming the tune. And it didn’t explain why his foot was tapping under his shopping cart, or why he suddenly knew that the song’s singer would end up in Los Angeles only to feel that restless urge to hit the road again.

  Even though the minutes were counting down until his manager’s special steak would expire, Henry stayed in the aisle until the song ended and the next one began. To his shock, he realized he knew this song, too. Even though the lyrics made no logical sense, Henry was now aware that he’d long felt great sympathy for a balloon seller named Levon whose only sin was the sincere desire to be a good man.

  This was an astonishing discovery for Henry,
and he prowled the aisles for an hour, filling his cart with enough groceries to keep him through Christmas as he allowed the sound system to ferry song after song from the depths of his subconscious to the front of his brain.

  That shopping trip sent Henry on a six-month odyssey through the annals of pop history. He worked thoroughly and methodically, just as he had when he was investigating murders for the Santa Barbara Police Department. He started by Googling pop charts for the years he was in high school-years, his half hour of scientific research assured him, when pop music has its greatest impact on the human mind-and then plugged those titles into the search box of the iTunes store, playing the free thirty-second sample of each song. If he found he knew the next word after the snippet ended, he’d shell out the ninety-nine cents for the whole thing. By the end of the first week, his computer was bulging with pop hits of the sixties and seventies. He bought himself a tiny iPod and took it along on his runs, and discovered that the pleasure of the music convinced his legs to keep moving.

  As his quest went on, Henry found himself moving away from top-40 singles. Apparently the radios blaring in the background of his youth went in for album cuts as well. And this is where his life changed.

  The album was called Who’s Next, and he had downloaded it because he recognized a song about what it’s like to live without ever being truly understood-didn’t this exactly match what he’d felt in his teens? If he’d just bought the single he might have listened to it a few times and moved on to “Dark Water” or “Joy to the World.” But he was doing albums now, so he hit the song that followed “Behind Blue Eyes.”

  There was no chance that the teenage Henry Spencer would have put up with “Won’t Get Fooled Again.” An anthem blasting all authority as corrupt was simply not something he would have been ready to accept as he dreamed of a life in blue.