What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “With benefits?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

  I laughed. “You wish.”

  “Yeah, you don’t seem like you’re available for that. But keep my number in case you get over this. You never know.” She grinned, and I wasn’t sure if she was serious or fucking with me.

  “That night was fun, Trace. A little pleasure between friends never hurt anybody.”

  “You need time, Trav.”

  I nodded, because she was right. I didn’t want to admit it because the pleasure of instant gratification had TJ rearing his head down low, but I wasn’t in a position to give Tracy any part of me besides friendship.

  She grabbed my hand and we walked back to our apartment complex. I walked her to her door, and she gave me a hug, resting her head on my chest. “You’ll be okay, Travis. I’ll be here if you need me. Or at Skips.”

  I kissed the top of her head. “Thanks.”

  She pulled back and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “You bet, friend.”

  I grinned and then I left, grateful for my newest friend and feeling a little better now that I had gotten all of that shit that had been piling on me off of my chest.

  I headed to bed early since I had to get to work bright and early the next day.

  I found out when I got to work on Monday morning that I had a lot of studying to do. Phoenix had design laws and codes in one language, and San Diego’s language was completely different and all new to me. Dan popped by my office a little after 10:00 to check in on me.

  “You doing okay in here?” he asked as I poured over a book on San Diego zoning laws.

  I glanced up and nodded.

  “Construction wrapped on Sunset Cliffs Boutique Hotel, and they’re holding an unveiling promotional event on Friday night. Dinner, drinks, the whole nine yards. Everyone from the office is going and dates are invited.”

  My phone started buzzing on my desk. I glanced at it and saw that Julianne was calling me again, but I ignored it in favor of my conversation with Dan.

  “Thanks.” I had seen the email earlier that morning, but I deleted it, thinking I probably wouldn’t go.

  “Do you think you’ll go?”

  “Is it one of those events I’m expected to attend?” I asked. Typically I hated those types of events. I liked design, not networking. It was all part of the job, but I just wasn’t born a salesman, and I had a hard time faking my way through events like that.

  Dan nodded.

  “Then I’ll be there. Are you bringing a date?”

  “Probably. I’ve hooked up with this girl Melanie a few times. I’ll probably bring her. Let me know if you want me to find you a date.”

  “Melanie?”

  “Yeah.” He smiled, and it seemed like maybe he viewed her as more than an occasional hook-up.

  “Why haven’t I met her yet?”

  “You’ve only been here a week, dude.”

  “So?”

  “It’s not serious.”

  “Sure,” I taunted.

  He gave me a dirty look and flipped me the bird, and then he left as I laughed.

  I pondered for all of thirty seconds who I could possibly bring as my date, and apart from the blind date offered by Dan, I could only think of one person I knew that I could possibly bring: Tracy. I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression of me and the intentions I had, but I also knew I’d have fun with her, just like I had the night we hooked up. She knew where I was, and she understood.

  I pulled her up on my phone’s contact list and clicked her number before I lost my nerve.

  “Travis?” she answered, sounding groggy. I supposed that made sense given the fact that she worked in a bar. She had probably been out late the night before, but it was after 10:00 in the morning.

  “Hey, Tracy.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Question for you.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I have a work thing on Friday night. Want to be my date?”

  She paused and then sighed. “Is it gonna be a bunch of stiff suits or is it gonna be fun?”

  “Probably suits, but I know I’ll have fun with you.”

  “I have to check my work schedule, but if I’m free, I’m in. I’ll text you a little later, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  “Thanks for the invitation.”

  “You bet.”

  Spencer came into my office a few minutes later, just when I had gotten back into studying. “How’s it going?” he asked, taking a seat in the chair across from my desk.

  “Good. Just learning all this new shit that is so different from Phoenix.”

  “You’ll get the hang of it. Let me know where I can help.”

  I had been making a list of questions, and I rattled them off. He knew the answer to every one of them. He had worked in San Diego for his entire seven year career, so he knew codes and laws like the back of his hand.

  We talked through one of my projects, and I showed him my preliminary sketches. I found Spencer to be an extremely valuable asset, and he invited me to his office to show me the projects he had been working on. We compared notes, and I gave him some ideas while he took my feedback into consideration. He was the kind of nice guy who was willing to drop anything to help someone out, and I appreciated the fact that he would have to stay late to catch up on his own work because he was helping the new guy. But he didn’t seem to care.

  The week passed by quickly, and I found myself turning to Spencer to help me with work related questions and issues. Dan was too much of a buddy, and he was tied up with a huge project that had a looming due date. In fact, he had been spending late nights at the office, and I found myself alone most nights in the apartment, catching up on sports or playing video games by myself. It was a quiet existence, but it was also much needed after the double heartbreak that I had endured.

  I spent a lot of time thinking about Julianne and even more time thinking about Gorgeous. Those dark eyes swimming with tears when she had left my apartment that morning haunted me. Her beautiful face wouldn’t get out of my mind. It was still as clear as if I had just seen her the day before. It was strange how I would walk down the street to Skips and swear I saw her. Or the scent of citrus would fill my nostrils and I would swear I could smell her. I missed her, and as I weighed the heartbreaks and compared my feelings for each woman, I found that I missed Jules’s friendship more than I missed the sex, or her lips, or her scent.

  Julianne called me every day, always at different times as if she was trying to catch me at a good time, but I just wasn’t ready to talk to her. Even though I missed her friendship, I was still royally pissed at the way she had used me. I was concerned about her health after her accident, but my sister had sent me a text reassuring me that Jules was fine, and she had her family and Nick to care for her. It wasn’t like there was anything I could do from San Diego anyway.

  When I thought about the mystery woman, I couldn’t help but feel pain at the loss of what was almost. Of what could have been. I suddenly understood the song “Almost Lover” from the band A Fine Frenzy, another of the songs on Jules’s “Greatest Hits of 2007” CD, which, oddly, I couldn’t get enough of. “I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind, So you’re gone and I’m haunted and I bet you are just fine. Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?”

  It was true. I would wake up and think of her brown eyes. I would fall asleep thinking of her silky brunette hair. I would dream of the night we had shared, the one moment in time where we belonged to each other.

  I had to get over this obsession. I had to move on. I had to “man the fuck up.” I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to move beyond what had become my obsession.

  It turned out Tracy was free for the hotel unveiling, and I hoped that my night of fun with her would be the answer to moving on, because fixating on something I could never have wasn’t working for me.

  CHAPTER 8

  As I pulled on my suit jacket on Friday eveni
ng, I knew that we were going to have a great time. It was, however, nights like this when I missed Julianne the most. I wasn’t born with the gift of fashion sense, and Jules would always come by or talk me through my clothes over the phone before I had a dressy work event. I did my best, settling on a black suit with a white shirt and a gray tie. I hated my dress shoes; they hurt my feet, but I didn’t have a choice.

  And I really didn’t want to go to this event. I was still in a bit of a mood over my lady troubles (combined with the fact that I hadn’t had sex since… well, since Gorgeous, which I was becoming more and more convinced had just been a dream), and I just didn’t see how I was going to be a fun time. But I knew I had to brush off everything that was bothering me so that I could at least treat my date to a good time. And when I thought of my date, I felt a little better. Tracy had become a trusted friend who knew where I stood. She knew that we wouldn’t actually start something. I wasn’t in any sort of position to get into a relationship, not when I couldn’t get my mystery woman out of my head. Or Jules, for that matter.

  I walked over to Tracy’s place to pick her up. When she opened the door, I was surprised at how good she looked. She always looked hot at work in her jeans and t-shirt combinations, but something about her in a purple dress with her hair tumbling down her shoulders in pretty curls awakened TJ.

  She gasped when she saw me, and her eyes glazed over with lust.

  “Looking good, Trav,” she said, opening the door to let me in.

  “You’re not looking too bad yourself,” I grinned, pulling her into a hug as I got a whiff of her perfume. She smelled like honey and I wanted a taste.

  She smiled up at me and then kissed me once on the lips, and I suddenly had a much better attitude about the evening ahead. Maybe we could work out the friends with benefits thing after all, even though I knew that wouldn’t be the smartest decision.

  I held my elbow out to her and we made the short walk to my place, where I poured us each a glass of wine to start our evening. Compared to downing beer at Skips, drinking wine with Tracy while I wore a suit and she impressed in a dress felt pretty high class.

  Dan had gone to pick up Melanie, and the four of us planned to arrive together. I hoped that Tracy got along with Melanie; Tracy seemed pretty laid back, the kind of person who got along with anyone.

  They arrived a few minutes later, and Melanie was a knock-out. She wore a black dress that accentuated her lovely, large breasts and thin waist, and her dark hair was long and straight and shiny while her bright blue eyes stood out in her pretty face.

  She was straight up hot.

  “Where have you been hiding her?” I joked to Dan after introductions had been made. Tracy elbowed me in the ribs as if to remind me that she was my date for the evening.

  We each had a glass of wine, and then we piled into Dan’s Mercedes convertible and headed off.

  Half an hour later, we pulled up to Sunset Cliffs Boutique Hotel. It sat right on the beach and afforded its guests privacy, intimacy, and luxury, and one of the greatest parts about it was that different divisions of my company had completed the entire project, from building design to construction to interior design. I gazed at the building’s structural beauty, and as much as I preferred structure to decoration, I had to admit that the interior designers had done an excellent job with the inside. The event was being held in the main lobby despite the fact that the hotel boasted a reception hall, and I immediately saw why the owners wanted to promote in the lobby.

  Everything about the hotel screamed lavish luxury, from the ornate crystal chandeliers, to the expensive artwork, down to the white laced with brown and gold marble flooring, and all of that was just first impressions from the lobby. There was a bar on one side of the lobby with an elegant seating area, and on the other side of the lobby stood the elaborate reception desk. The entire place was decorated in lush browns and rich shades of gold, and clearly the designers had chosen only high-end materials.

  There were already a lot of people milling around the lobby. Apparently not only everyone from my own company had been invited, but it seemed like half of San Diego had been, too.

  A band set up in one corner played slow jazz music, and the atmosphere was plush and even romantic.

  Dan claimed a table over by the bar while Tracy came with me to get the first round of drinks. Dan sat facing out, and when Tracy and I returned, I took the seat facing in. I enjoyed people watching, but Dan had gotten there first, so I was forced to watch the bar all night; in a way, though, I had really won, because ESPN was on the TV behind the bar, and there was a basketball game on.

  Craig came by and squeezed a chair in between Melanie and me, and we chatted for a few minutes. The table was hardly big enough for four people, and it was awkward trying to talk to Craig while my date sat on my other side, not knowing anybody except for me and – sort of – Dan.

  Dan and Melanie switched seats after awhile so that she could talk to Tracy and Dan could join in on the conversation between Craig and me.

  “Is Spencer coming?” Dan asked Craig.

  Craig nodded. “He and Lindsay got back together, so he’s bringing her.”

  “What’s the story there?” Dan asked.

  “I’m not sure why they broke up. I just know she had gone out of town for a few days, and when she got back, they talked it out and decided to make a go of it.”

  Dan shrugged. “Good for them. I always really liked Lindsay.”

  “Me too. She’s fucking hot and sweet as hell. What’s not to like?”

  “Spencer’s a lucky guy.”

  I sort of tuned them out; I hardly knew Spencer and didn’t really care about his love life, and these two guys were gossiping like women.

  “Oh shit!” I yelled a little louder than intended when the Phoenix Suns turned over the ball. I wasn’t a huge basketball fan, but I had to cheer for my home team.

  “What?” Dan asked, looking at me.

  “Sorry. Basketball.” I pointed to the screen, and Dan grinned.

  Craig excused himself while Dan and Melanie went to grab round two.

  “You doing okay?” I asked Tracy.

  “Yeah. Mel’s really sweet.”

  “I’m not ignoring you, am I?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “I figured I wouldn’t know anybody anyway, so I mentally prepared myself for that. But Mel’s in the same boat as me.”

  “You’re a good date.”

  “You’re a hot date.”

  I grinned, and I saw her melt a little.

  “This place is really nice. Your company did this?”

  I told her a little about the various parts of my company that had contributed to the place, and then Dan and Melanie returned with our wine.

  We drank for a bit, and when our second glasses were empty, I invited Tracy to dance with me in an effort to be a good date. She gladly obliged, and we made our way to the dance floor, a little make-shift area in front of the band over by the reception desk.

  I pulled Tracy into me, and it felt natural as we glided around the floor together between the other couples. The floor became more crowded the more people drank, and I found that I enjoyed holding Tracy in my arms. She was beautiful, and she was fun, and she knew that this wouldn’t be anything more than a casual date with a friend who needed nothing more than companionship.

  It was really the perfect night, just exactly what I had needed to try to put the mystery woman and my troubles with Jules out of my mind.

  And then, out of nowhere, someone bumped into my shoulder as I danced with Tracy. I turned around automatically, ready to give the offender a dirty look, and I found myself opposite a familiar face.

  A gorgeous, familiar face.

  A face that took my breath away as if someone had punched me in the stomach.

  “Sorry—” she started, and she cut herself off as her eyes met mine.

  I felt my entire body tense when my eyes met hers.

  My breath caught in my throat and
I felt a little woozy as I gazed down into her eyes.

  The absolute shock in her wide eyes was as evident as the astonishment in my own, surely, and she gasped as she looked up at me.

  “Gorgeous,” I murmured at the same times she whispered, “Tiger.”

  A million thoughts ran through my head in the span of a split second, but I knew that wherever the evening headed, I had to find a way to get her alone and to tell this woman the feelings that I had for her. Because in that moment that I came face to face with her again, I knew my memory hadn’t made her into some goddess that she could never live up to. She truly was a goddess, this mystery woman whose name I didn’t know, and I knew that the untamable and extreme feelings I had been having over the past two weeks since I had met her were confirmed.

  Julianne Becker was now just a woman in my past.

  This woman before me, Gorgeous, was the woman in my present. And, with any luck, my future.

  I didn’t know if it was “love,” because I had always felt like love was something that grew between two people. Surely you had to know someone’s name before you could claim to love her.

  But something about my connection to her was different. Something about her told me that my feelings ran deep. It wasn’t just lust, although TJ certainly was telling me in a very painful way that he felt it.

  The problem was that I was dancing with my date while she danced with hers. And hers just happened to be my colleague-turned-mentor, Spencer.

  He spoke, breaking the trance that held my eyes to hers. “Hey, Travis. This is my girlfriend, Lindsay.”

  Girlfriend?

  Lindsay?

  Lindsay.

  I finally had my answer. It was a beautiful name to fit this perfect creature standing in front of me.

  I held my hand out. “Nice to meet you, Lindsay,” I said evenly, my calm voice a total contrast to the rush of emotions that I felt.

  She took my hand in hers and I was transported back to my apartment, back to the wild, incredible night we’d shared. Her hand was cool against my skin, and I remembered those hands pressing across my back as I drilled into her. I remembered those hands running down my chest, down to my abs, and… dear God, what she could do with those hands.