What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  My office chair and my closed email flashed through my mind.

  Someone had been in my office and had sent an email from my account to Julianne, copying Lindsay on it.

  There was only one person I could think of who would be in a place to do something that devious, but it was a person I never, ever would’ve expected that behavior from.

  Spencer.

  “No I fucking didn’t,” I growled. Then I raised my voice, yelling past Pen. “Lindsay, I know you’re home. Talk to me.”

  “She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Pen informed me. She was a good bodyguard, but this was fucked up.

  I yelled even louder. “I didn’t send that fucking email!”

  My phone buzzed with a text, and hoping it was Lindsay, I checked it. It was from Julianne.

  We need to talk. Your email… I just don’t even know where we go from here. I don’t know how to choose between you and Nick.

  What the fuck had Spencer written in that email?

  And that’s when I realized that the smart phone in my hand could answer my question.

  I checked my sent mail, and sure enough, there was a reply to Julianne that I hadn’t written.

  Dear Julianne,

  Maybe you should just come back. Maybe I made a mistake letting you go, and maybe I made a mistake coming to San Diego. You’ll always be in my heart. I love you and I will help you get your shit together, but it has to be with me. Leave Nick. We can make a life together in San Diego. Come back to me. Choose me and our history. Choose our friendship, if nothing else. I will never leave you behind again.

  Love,

  Travis

  A slew of curse words formed in my brain.

  What a fucking mess of epic proportions.

  I had to sort this out with Lindsay first, and then I had to let Jules know that the email hadn’t been from me. She was sitting somewhere with confusion in her heart when her answer was as clear as mine. I wasn’t available for her to choose.

  “Lindsay,” I yelled. “I didn’t send that email.”

  Pen looked at me with pity.

  “Will you tell her to come down here?”

  She shook her head. “She wants nothing to do with you right now.”

  “Why the hell would I BCC her on an email to Julianne?”

  “Her conclusion was so that she would know just exactly how you felt.”

  “Spencer. That son of a bitch had to have been the one who sent it.”

  “Nice try, Travis. A, he would never do that, and B, how would he even get your personal email information?”

  “I had an email from Jules open on my computer. I went to lunch, and when I came back, someone had been in my office.” I was becoming desperate. My confidence was shaken, and that was pretty rare for me. I took both of Pen’s arms in my hands. “Please, Pen. Please believe me. You have to believe me, and I need you to help me fix this.” I didn’t even realize that I was actually shaking poor Pen. I was becoming hysterical, and it was totally out of character for me. I needed to see Lindsay, to explain what had happened so the two of us could get back on track.

  Pen rolled her eyes and backed away from me. “Jesus. Fine. Go see her. But don’t you fucking dare tell her that I let you get past me.”

  “Thank you,” I said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. “I owe you one,” I said, leaping up the stairs two at a time to get to her.

  I pushed open her door to find her lying on her bed, her face buried in her pillow.

  I rushed immediately to her side, sitting next to her on the bed and smoothing her hair as her back shook from the sobs that racked her body.

  “I didn’t send that email,” I whispered.

  “I don’t want to see you,” she said. Her voice was muffled as she spoke into her pillow over her tears.

  “I don’t care. I’m not leaving.”

  “Then I’ll go,” she said, rolling away from me and escaping to her bathroom before I could stop her.

  Fuck. This was bad.

  I stood and made my way to the door, trying the knob first but finding it locked. I pounded on the door.

  “Open the goddamn door,” I yelled, pounding away on the solid door that wouldn’t budge.

  “Go. Away.”

  “No.” My voice was firm and adamant. “Talk to me.”

  I was met with silence.

  “Fine. I’ll talk; you listen.”

  More silence.

  “Lindsay, I did not send that goddamn email. Why would I be so stupid as to copy you on an email to her if I was really professing my love?”

  Silence.

  “I told Dan about the email from her. I didn’t know how to reply without sounding like a dick. I wanted to tell her that I am with you now and that she needs to move on. I know she loves me, but she only loves me as a friend. She’s in love with her fiancé. She’s confused because she’s going through some changes in her life, and she misses her best friend. We’ve always leaned on each other for everything, and now we don’t have that because she broke our friendship.”

  Silence.

  I kept talking, hoping to God that she was listening to me. “Dan and I went to lunch, and we talked about how I could reply. When I got back to my office, I could tell someone had been in there. My chair wasn’t where I left it and my email was closed. I know I left it open. And I know how stupid that was. Lindsay, think about it. I don’t even have your email address. I have your work email from the company website, but you never gave me your personal email. How the hell would I have been able to copy you on it?”

  More silence, but I felt like that was a pretty strong argument.

  I leaned my forehead against the door. “Please come out and talk to me.” My strong, confident voice had turned pleading.

  Nothing.

  I sat on her bed, my elbows on my knees, my hands clasped, my head bent low. I wasn’t sure how long she planned on staying locked in the bathroom, but I would be there when she came out.

  “I’m sorry,” I heard a voice from the bathroom doorway whisper. My head jerked up, and there stood Lindsay looking all remorseful and adorably sexy.

  I strode over to her, pulling her against me, clutching her tightly in my arms. I dropped a quick kiss on her mouth and pulled her into a hug, leaning my head down toward hers. “First,” I murmured close to her ear, “don’t you shut me out. Ever.”

  “I won’t,” she whispered, her arms tightening around me.

  “Second, pick up your fucking phone when I call you. Don’t ignore me. Ever.” My voice was controlled and authoritative, and it was unlike me to be so domineering. But she brought out new things in me, and not all of them were good, apparently. Kind of like her with the jealousy thing.

  “Okay,” she whispered. This meek Lindsay was so unlike the strong, independent firecracker who I was used to challenging me and driving me up the wall.

  “Third, I don’t give a fuck what that email said, Lindsay. Listen to me when I say this: I am with you now, and nothing else matters. Nothing. Got it?”

  “Got it,” she whispered into me, and then she tilted her head back and I assaulted her mouth with mine, bruising her lips with a rough, passionate kiss. She gasped into me and I took the opening to shove my tongue into her mouth, and her tongue met mine back with the same passion and desire.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled against my mouth.

  I pulled back from her mouth, still holding her closely in my arms.

  Her eyes were swimming with tears. “I just got so fucking jealous when I saw that email. Even before I read it, just seeing her name… I don’t know what it is, but when it comes to that girl, I see green. I get so absolutely crazy with jealousy, and I have never, ever been like this before.”

  “It’s okay, baby,” I whispered, rocking her against me. I understood, because she brought out new tendencies in me, too. “You have nothing to be jealous about.”

  “Easy for you to say,” she said. “Regardless of what the email to her said,” I
started to interrupt her to reclaim my innocence, but she held her hand up, forcing me to pause. “And regardless of who wrote it, she sent you an email first. She said she loves you, Travis.”

  “She loves me as a friend. It doesn’t matter, anyway. You know my history with her, and after everything you and I have been through, Lindsay, I know that I will only ever love her as a friend. Period.”

  Tear escaped her eyes, and I kissed them away.

  “I know you have a past,” she said, “and I do, too. I know that I have to deal with that. I’m sorry I’m so crazy right now.”

  “It makes me feel good to know that you want me all to yourself.”

  “I’m not the only crazy one, you know.”

  I grinned at her. “Yeah, I guess you make me a little nuts.”

  “Don’t ever order me around like that again,” she said.

  “Don’t ever push me to,” I countered.

  We gazed at each other in a stand-off for a moment, and then she blinked and looked away. She dragged her eyes back to mine, and then she leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to my chin.

  “In the interest of full disclosure,” I said, “you should know that she texted me when she got that email and I haven’t responded to her yet.”

  Lindsay rolled her eyes. “What did her text say?”

  “That she needs to talk to me and she doesn’t know how to choose between me and her fiancé.”

  “What the fuck, Travis?”

  I sighed. “Don’t get all angry again. I already told you, I can’t fucking control what she writes to me.”

  “How do you feel about her?”

  “We’ve been over this,” I growled.

  “Go over it again,” she said icily.

  “She’s my past. I swear to God, everything I ever felt for her is over. Done.” I leaned in and kissed her lightly. “You’re it for me, Lindsay.”

  She looked up into my eyes as if she was trying to gauge how sincere I was. The authenticity must’ve been confirmed in my eyes, because she abruptly jumped onto me, her legs wrapped around my waist and her arms flung around my neck as her lips collided with mine. My hands moved under her ass, and she was still wearing the black dress she had worn to work that day, so my fingers slid against the bare skin on the back of her thighs up to her silky panties.

  “God, Travis,” she moaned against my mouth.

  I grunted an incoherent response, my need to be inside of her increasing to catastrophic proportions. Maybe it was because that’s how our relationship first started, but I felt like it was one of our best ways of communicating. I wanted to show her what I really felt for her, and being buried deep inside of her was one of the best ways I knew how to do that.

  I dragged my lips from her mouth and down her neck, nipping at her soft skin as I worked my way down. I buried my face in her lovely cleavage, and she tipped her head and arched her back, giving me better access. A row of buttons held the dress together in the front, and I grabbed the top of her dress in my teeth and pulled, unfastening the top two buttons. I kissed around her breasts still covered by her bra, finding her nipple through the fabric and sucking until there was a taut peak poking through the material.

  I reached under her and grasped her panties, literally ripping them from her body and tossing them on the floor. She moaned as her breathing increased with anticipation. I walked us toward the wall until her back was up against it, and then I used the wall to help prop her up as I sunk two fingers into her moist folds. She cried out, spurring on my own lust, and her fingernails dug into my back. Even through my shirt, her nails scratched my skin. It was fucking hot.

  I pulled my fingers from her and reached under her legs to work my belt. Once I unbuckled it, I hastily undid the button and then dropped my pants and boxers. I rammed up into her a second later, the feeling inside of her utter perfection. She was everything I had ever needed, every answer to every question I ever had.

  I loved her. Pure and simple.

  I took my time with her, ramming up hard into her and lingering inside on each drive.

  “Say it again,” she murmured, her head lolling back against the wall as I held steady inside of her.

  “Say what?” I grunted.

  “I’m it for you.”

  I pulled back and rammed up, enunciating each word on its own separate thrust. “You’re. It. For. Me.”

  I felt her tighten against me with each thrust, and she threw her head forward, burying it in the crook between my neck and my shoulder, kissing my neck as the last word sent her over the edge. Her body convulsed and tightened around me as her climax shattered through her, her nails clenched firmly into my back, and the motions of her orgasm sent me into my own. I jerked inside of her as I found my thunderous release, my body shuddering in pleasure.

  I remained inside of her as my climax abated, carrying her over to the bed and collapsing on top of her. I pulled out of her slowly, wishing I could stay buried inside of her warmth for the rest of my life. She wriggled under me, and I scooted to her side, pulling her body close against mine.

  I wanted to say it. The moment felt right, just having made love to her, just having confessed to her that she was the one for me, but it would shoot my sweeping romantic gesture to hell. So I held my tongue.

  CHAPTER 18

  “That was incredible,” I breathed instead of telling her how hard I had fallen for her.

  “Every time with you is incredible,” she mumbled.

  I kissed her neck and took a little bite of her shoulder. She moaned. “God, everything you do turns me on. How do you do that?”

  I grinned. “It’s my specialty.”

  “I hate to think about how many have come before me that have made you such an expert,” she said, and something in her voice told me that this was something she had been chewing on in her mind for quite some time.

  “Not that many,” I said lightly. “It’s only that good because it’s me and you.”

  “Really?” she asked hopefully, turning to face me, bending her arm, and propping her head up on her hand.

  “Really. Lindsay, you are the absolute best I have ever experienced. Really top notch.”

  She blushed. “You’re pretty good yourself,” she said.

  “The best?” I arched one eyebrow at her, and she giggled.

  “Definitely top five.” She winked at me.

  I grinned. “Top one?”

  “Absolutely,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss me. “Have you eaten?” she asked against my lips.

  “Weird subject change,” I said, pulling back, “but, no, I haven’t.”

  “Get dressed,” she ordered.

  We both got up reluctantly. I put my clothes back on, and she pulled on a t-shirt and short shorts, and then she took my hand and led me to the kitchen. She made me dinner – pancakes and eggs, my favorite – and I sat at the table and watched as she pranced around the kitchen.

  I offered to help, but she told me I’d just get in her way. Far be it from me to interrupt a lady in the kitchen.

  She placed a plate of hot food in front of me and sat in the empty chair next to me. I squeezed her knee and she jerked and squealed.

  “Where’s Pen?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “She told me earlier that she might be going out.”

  “You didn’t want to go?” I cut my pancakes in my usual crisscross fashion.

  “She invited me, but I was too mad to go anywhere. I wanted to sit in my room and sulk all night.”

  “Sorry for ruining your plans,” I grinned playfully.

  “I’ll let it slide. Thank you for fighting for us.”

  I looked up from my plate, gazing into her eyes. “Lindsay, I will fight for you until the end of time.”

  Her eyes became tender as she gazed back at me.

  “We made each other a promise,” I said. “I won’t let you fuck this up, and you can’t let me, either.”

  “Seems like we’re both trying pretty hard to fuck it up, though.”<
br />
  I nodded. “True story. Let’s stop that shit.”

  “Deal. Your move on L, by the way.”

  I thought about it, and then I asked, “Longest relationship?”

  “Well, I dated Spencer for about six months. Before him, I was in a fairly serious relationship with Jeremy. We dated about two and a half years. I guess he’s my longest.”

  “Why did you break up?”

  “We argued about everything. It just got old. What’s yours?”

  “I guess it would have to be Julianne, although we only actually dated for about a year and a half. Even when we ended things, though, it was never really over. It didn’t really end until right before I met you.”

  She chewed on a pancake thoughtfully. “Are you really sure it’s over?”

  “Yes. I am positive.”

  “How?”

  “Because when I saw her show up on my doorstep on Tuesday, I felt nothing. All I could think about was that I wasn’t going to let her stand in my way of getting to you.”

  “Really?”

  I nodded. “I don’t know how many different ways I can reassure you. I don’t know how else to prove it to you.”

  “I believe you,” she mumbled.

  “Really?” I echoed her.

  She looked down at her pancakes, and then her eyes met mine. “Yes. I believe you, and I’m going to drop the Julianne thing. Or, at least I’m going to work really hard to drop it.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured.

  “Like I said earlier, I know you have a past, and what happened before me doesn’t matter. The one thing that I am having a hard time getting past is your reaction to her engagement. You shut me out. You ignored me and forgot about me, and that really hurt.”

  “I didn’t forget about you.” I reached over and ran my knuckles down her cheek. “I reacted immaturely, and I can’t apologize enough. But I did not forget about you.”

  “It’s over, and we’re going to put it behind us and move on. These last few days, you’ve proven to me that I am your top priority, and you know that’s the big issue for me.”

  “You will always be my top priority. Always.”

  We finished eating and I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen so she could read a chapter out of her textbook for her class. I met her up in her bedroom when I was done. She was nestled in her desk chair, her knees bent and feet perched on the edge of her chair, her book in her lap. She was wearing glasses that I’d never seen her wearing before. She looked intelligent and sexy and adorable all at once.