What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “Night. I also hate getting out of bed. Especially when I am sleeping with you in my arms.”

  “Which, by the way, has sort of become a nightly thing for us pretty quickly.”

  “You’re right. And I am not really seeing an end in sight for that.”

  “Me, either. I love sleeping in your arms,” she said, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. “You’re so comfy.”

  “So are you,” I murmured.

  She invited me to the dance floor, and she started grinding on me immediately.

  I wasn’t drunk enough to find grinding in public appropriate, but clearly Lindsay was. She was adorable as she pressed her lips to mine, grabbing my hands and pulling them to her hips. I knew she loved when I gripped her petite hips in my big hands, a feeling I also loved.

  Lindsay was drunker than she’d ever been with me. In the past, the presence of a drunk girl typically meant guaranteed sex to me; but tonight, all my only concern was making sure Lindsay was okay. I wanted to take care of her, and if she wanted to get drunk and out of control, I’d be there to keep her safe.

  Pen and Hunter were within spitting distance. It was awkward dancing next to my girlfriend’s brother, especially given the way they were dancing. They were way past grinding; it was erotic and dirty, a prelude to what was a slam dunk for Hunter. Poor Pen.

  We headed back to the table after a few dances. Lindsay was thirsty and I was sweating.

  Finally, when Lindsay was just finishing her sixth drink (not that I was keeping count), Pen came up to our table. “We’re heading out,” she declared, her arm planted firmly around Hunter’s waist.

  “Where are you heading out to?” Lindsay asked, her words slow and slurred.

  “Our place.”

  Lindsay rolled her eyes.

  Pen glanced at Hunter, whose eyes were definitely glazed from drinking too much. The two of them obviously weren’t driving anywhere. “Need a ride?” I asked.

  “Are you ready to go?” Pen looked at the two of us.

  We were waiting for you, I wanted to say. Instead, I nodded.

  “Sure,” she agreed, and the four of us made our way out to Lindsay’s Volkswagen Jetta.

  I drove three very drunk people home, and then I paused in the kitchen to grab a few bottles of water before I helped Lindsay up to her bedroom. “Helped” is a nice way of saying that I carried her and deposited her on the bed.

  I handed her a bottle of water, and she drank a few sips before laying back into her pillows. She passed out almost immediately. I grabbed a warm washcloth from the bathroom and gently washed her make-up from her sleeping face. Then I pulled her out of her clothes, lifting her long enough to help her into a t-shirt so that she’d sleep more comfortably.

  I drained a bottle of water myself, and not wanting to disturb my drunken girlfriend, I drifted to sleep next to her, keeping my hands to myself and thinking about how much I wanted to hold her in my arms.

  Just after I had fallen asleep, I was jolted awake by a loud scream. I sat up in bed, looking around the dark room but not seeing a thing. Lindsay was snoring softly next to me. I’d never heard her snore before, so it must’ve been the effect of the alcohol.

  I heard the scream again, and in my sleepy haze, it took me a moment to place the sound. It was Pen and Hunter having what sounded like one hell of a wild time.

  I sighed deeply and tried to go back to sleep, but the loud screams followed by some thumping noises prevented my slumber. And then Lindsay shifted in bed. She made some strange noise somewhere between a moan and a retch, and then she bolted from the bed and I heard her empty the contents of her stomach. Four times.

  I got up to check on her after the first time, but she shooed me away.

  After the second time, I heard her quiet sniffles, and it broke my heart. I entered the bathroom to find her on her knees by the toilet, heaving and retching. My immediate response was to make sure she was okay.

  Normally seeing someone throwing up made me feel like gagging, too, but something about seeing the woman I love so miserably sick made me want to care for her. I fisted her hair into a ponytail in my hand, holding her hair back in a cliché, as I rubbed her back while she threw up again.

  Her voice was hoarse as tears silently streamed down her cheeks. I brushed them away with my thumb. “Remind me never to drink vodka again. Ever.”

  “It’s okay, baby,” I murmured over and over as I did what I could to try comfort her. There wasn’t much I could do; she just had to get it out.

  After the fourth time, I stood and got her bottle of water, which she took and gratefully gulped down.

  “Can I get you anything?” I asked, and she shook her head.

  “Advil,” she requested on second thought.

  “Where is it?”

  “Kitchen cabinet by the stove.”

  I headed downstairs to find the cure-all, hearing the sex noises emanating from Pen’s room at an even louder volume.

  I really, really wished we had stayed at my place in that moment.

  From now on, we would be. And Lindsay wouldn’t be drinking vodka again. Ever.

  Friday morning was a little chaotic after my night of listening to Pen and Hunter doing it through most of the night mixed with Lindsay’s retching episode just after we’d gone to sleep. Both Lindsay and I slept through our alarm clocks, which meant no morning cup of coffee and no morning sex before work. The combination of the two missing elements of our morning along with the severe lack of sleep left me feeling extremely cranky. Lindsay was more hung over than I’d ever seen her, and that on top of a shitty night’s sleep left her feeling as crabby as me.

  I suddenly saw that my sweeping romantic gesture for the weekend was in jeopardy.

  We said our goodbyes and I had to stop home to change my clothes for work. I had rushed over to Lindsay’s place to make things right the day before so fast that I hadn’t thought ahead to bring clothes with me.

  I glanced at the clock in my car as I pulled into my parking lot. If I rushed, I’d only be about ten minutes late to work, but that meant I still wouldn’t have time to get my coffee. So I rushed, glancing in my fridge for at least a soda to get some caffeine rolling through my system only to find, to my extreme dismay, that we were out of Dr. Pepper.

  Mother fucker.

  Once I arrived at work, I headed to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee only to find the coffee pot empty and the last canister of coffee beans empty and sitting on top of the garbage can.

  Great.

  I sat at my desk, tired and starting to form a headache from my lack of caffeine, checking through my emails and my calendar for the day. I didn’t have any meetings until 10:00, so I had a short window of time to go get the coffee that I was becoming desperate for.

  I made my way toward the front door of the office only to be stopped when Spencer cut in front of me.

  This day just kept getting worse.

  His smug face told me that he thought his ridiculous email plan had worked. I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that it nearly had. His little prank almost cost me Lindsay and probably did some permanent damage to my relationship with Julianne, who, I suddenly remembered, I still hadn’t spoken to.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  “About what?” I sighed. I didn’t want to do this when I was fully competently-minded, but without any of the addictive caffeine running through my veins, I was truly running on empty and not prepared to discuss Lindsay with her ex.

  He ignored me and turned to walk to his office. I followed him on another sigh and shut the door behind me, rubbing the back of my neck. She was worth it, I kept reminding myself.

  CHAPTER 19

  He sat at his desk and I sat across from him. I felt like I was in the principal’s office and I’d misbehaved, but I was fucking furious with this guy after the stunt he pulled the day before.

  He opened his mouth to start talking, but I interrupted him. “Read any interesting emai
ls lately?”

  He masked the flash of surprise well, but I had seen it nonetheless. “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t fucking play dumb with me, Spencer. I know it was you.”

  “What was me?”

  So he was going to play this game.

  “You went into my office, read my personal email, and responded, BCCing Lindsay.”

  He stared at me, but I knew the truth.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked.

  If that’s how he wanted to play it, I couldn’t summon the energy to pull it out of him. What was done was done, and there was no going back to change that now.

  So I decided to cut to the chase instead. “What is it that you’d like to say to me?”

  “I just need to know the truth,” he said.

  “About what?”

  “You and Lindsay.”

  “She told you the truth.” Why the fuck was he confronting me with this?

  “I want to hear it from you.”

  “Don’t do this to yourself, Spencer.”

  “I keep going over it in my mind and I can’t figure it out.”

  “Figure what out?”

  “Why she would choose you over me.”

  Ouch. How was I supposed to respond to that? “That’s a question for her.”

  “What’s your opinion?”

  That I’m a better lover? That she has stronger feelings for me? That she is in love with me? None of those things were things he wanted to hear, and it wouldn’t make it better for him anyway.

  Instead, I shrugged. “She can’t help what she feels.”

  “But you and me, we were friends, Travis. That’s what I don’t get. How could you come in here and use me for my expertise and allow me to mentor you and then fuck my girlfriend?”

  “It wasn’t like that. When we first got together, she wasn’t with you and I hadn’t met you. We both wanted something with no strings attached, and we didn’t even know each other’s names.”

  “Like that’s supposed to make it better?”

  “We both assumed it would just be that one night.”

  “But it wasn’t.”

  “It was. Until we bumped into each other at the Sunset Cliffs event. I never thought I’d see her again. She never thought she’d see me again. But I hadn’t stopped thinking about her from the moment she left my apartment.”

  “She stopped thinking about you long enough to get back together with me.”

  I wanted to let that comment slide. He said it to hurt me, and he didn’t know the truth that she’d told me. I believed her when she said that she hadn’t slept with him after she had met me. I had to believe her, because if I didn’t, I would have a hard time bearing the pain of thinking about her with another man. It sent my jealousy into a burning rage, and I had to keep a lid on that. Especially in front of Spencer.

  What’s that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?

  Yeah, I had good intentions to keep a lid on it. But my morning without coffee and sex had led me in a different direction. I didn’t mean to be an asshole, but it sort of just came out.

  “You weren’t really back together though, were you?”

  His eyes narrowed.

  “Yeah, Spencer. She told me that the two of you didn’t sleep together. So you can stop trying to make me think that you did.”

  “Oh she did, did she? Did she tell you what we did do?”

  “She told me everything.”

  “So she told you that she wrapped her lips around my—”

  I cut him off. “Stop.” I stood up and placed my palms on his desk. “I’m not listening to this bullshit from you.”

  He stood, too, and mirrored my stance. “It’s not bullshit. You should ask her. Does she do that for you?” His voice was sinister.

  I thought Spencer was supposed to be the nice guy.

  Who knew that he could be such a fucking jackass when he wanted to be? They say that heartbreak will do crazy things to a person, but Spencer’s personality had completely changed overnight.

  It made me fear what losing Lindsay could do to me.

  I glared at him. “You really don’t want the answer to that question, do you?” I asked harshly.

  He leveled his gaze at me and we both stood in tense silence for a moment. He had lost, and I really shouldn’t have been rubbing that in. But I wanted to wipe that smug look right off of his stupid face in that moment.

  I broke the silence. “She does. And it’s the most amazing fucking thing I have ever felt in my life.”

  His eyes widened with shock.

  With that, I left his office and headed out the door to finally get the coffee that I needed. I realized my hands were shaking as I pressed the button for the elevator, and I took a few deep breaths to calm down after that encounter with Spencer.

  I wasn’t a fighter. It just wasn’t my style. But when it came to Lindsay, I wanted to beat the fucking hell out of anybody who got in my way, and that included Spencer. I wanted to go back into his office and kick his ass into next week. Suddenly I felt the need for a beer or some scotch, not coffee.

  I dialed Lindsay once I was in the car.

  “Hey, Tiger,” she answered, her voice tired.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked, wanting to tend to her first before I got into the real reason I had called.

  “Shitty, but I just took some Advil and downed some coffee, so I’m doing a little better.”

  “Spencer just cornered me,” I said without preamble.

  “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, baby. What did he say?”

  “Well, for starters, he let me know that you used your mouth to pleasure him when you got back together.”

  “Shit,” she murmured. “Travis—”

  I interrupted her. “Don’t.” I didn’t want to hear any more about that particular nugget. “He is playing dumb to the email thing.”

  “It had to have been him.” Her voice sounded miserable.

  “We both know that. He was a total dick and I wanted to punch his smug little face.”

  “You didn’t, did you?”

  “Would you care if I did?”

  “Travis, of course I would care. I dated the guy for six months. He asked me to marry him. I don’t love him that way anymore, but I don’t want to see him hurt.”

  I sighed as I pulled into a gas station. “I have to go.”

  “Are we okay?”

  “I guess.”

  “Tiger, don’t do this.”

  “Don’t do what?”

  “Don’t pull back from me. I will not let you fuck this up.” She repeated our pledge to each other.

  “I have to go,” I repeated. I felt like shit. I didn’t want her to care about Spencer. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. He had suddenly become a speck of shit in my life, and I wanted her to feel nothing for him. But if she didn’t want him hurt, that meant she cared. And knowing she cared, knowing what they did – regardless of the fact that it had happened when I wasn’t in the picture, when we had both assumed we’d never see each other again – was overwhelming my rational thoughts.

  She was quiet on the other end.

  “Bye,” I said, and I ended the call as I headed in to finally get my morning fuel.

  I wasn’t sure why I did that. It wasn’t her fault that Spencer had suddenly become a big old douche bag, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on her. But I had, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I wanted her to know that Spencer was going to be a sore spot for me, just like Julianne was for her.

  Fuck the fact that we both had pasts; I didn’t want to be understanding, and the more I thought about it, the madder I became. I understood her human nature not to want to see people hurt, but she said she didn’t love him that way anymore. She never said she didn’t love him at all anymore. This seemed like something we needed to talk more about, and we had a four and a half hour car ride in front of us that would give us plenty of time to explore t
he situation.

  I chose the largest sized cup and sighed in utter frustration as I filled my cup with flavored cream and then poured the coffee on top of it. I chose a dark roast, hoping for more caffeine.

  “You okay?” a woman’s voice asked.

  I turned to look at the voice and found myself staring at a stunning beauty before me dressed in a spectacularly low cut dress. She was the type of woman that men stopped and stared at when she was walking down the street. Suddenly “Maneater” by Hall and Oates started playing through my mind.

  “Doing great, thanks,” I said, flashing her my signature smile that typically had women dropping their panties for me.

  “You live around here?” she flicked her silky brunette hair behind her shoulder.

  “I work a few blocks away. You?” I put the coffee pot back on its burner.

  “I live just around the corner.” Her voice became husky. “I’d love to show you.”

  Good Lord.

  I wanted to see more than just where she lived.

  But reality set in, and even though things were on shaky ground, someone else in my life came first.

  “Love to, but it would probably piss off my girlfriend.” It was the first time I had referred to her as my “girlfriend” to another person, and it felt good as it rolled off my tongue.

  She smiled wickedly at me. “She doesn’t have to know.”

  I pressed my lips together, the corners of my mouth curling up in a smile. “Sorry, baby. I’m not that guy. You have a nice day.”

  I headed to the register and paid for my coffee, mentally patting myself on the back for a job well done, and then got in my car and drove back toward the office.

  My day moved slowly. The coffee didn’t help my crankiness. I wasn’t sure if anything could, especially with the visual of Lindsay on her knees before Spencer running through my brain.

  Dan came by at noon to see if I wanted to go to lunch, but I was brooding and I knew that I wouldn’t be good company, so I declined. And I sure as hell made certain that all of my email programs were closed before I popped down to Subway and took a sandwich to go, opting to eat at my desk with my office door closed.

  I had a lot to do to get ready for a presentation that would take place at the end of the next week, and given that I would be out of town for the majority of the weekend, the extra time over lunch was needed.