Barefoot and Lost

by Brian Francis Cox

  Peter has his suitcase on his bed, sorting through his things. ‘My, you lot look happy, what’s happened?’

  ‘It’s the thought of you buggering off to Bloody Auntie Mary that’s why.’ Peter’s face drops as he turns away from Brian.

  ‘Peter, Brian is only teasing, we’ve had a row with Flynn, and Brian told him to Efff off.’

  ‘Wow, did you just say Ef or did you use the whole word?’

  ‘The bloody whole word, did you see the look on Flynn’s face? I can’t believe I said that to him, I never use that word. I know it, but don’t think I have ever said it before?’

  ‘You were brilliant, what made you think of saying something at the funeral?’

  ‘I don’t know Jack, it just came out but it’s a good idea don’t you think? And telling Mam we wanted him to give us a HAND, that was hilarious, I couldn’t stop giggling.’

  ‘I think Mam knows what is going on with Flynn; did you see the look in her eyes when you said hand, especially as you nearly shouted it?’

  ‘Can’t say that I did Phil; if she knows, why would she let it happen?’

  ‘Maybe she suspects and is not sure, so she makes out it’s not, or worse she is in on it, they could all be into it.’

  ‘I honestly don’t think so Phil, I think it is only Flynn, and we have him scared, so he will be very careful from here on.’

  ‘I hope you’re right, because then when Pop gets my letter that should finish it.’

  ‘I can’t stop laughing. Did you see how he ran when I started shouting?’

  ‘Yeah he nearly fell down the stairs.’

  ‘Wish he had he might’ve of broken his bloody neck.’

  ‘Or his fucking dick, there that’s twice I’ve used that word today.’ We all burst into laughter.

  Filing out of the dining hall after lunch, we can see Flynn, at his usual post by the door, saying sweet nothings to his favourites but, as he sees us approaching he finds he has something more important to do over where Mam and the Reverend are seated on the stage.

  Jack really has a taste for it now he calls after Flynn, ‘Mr. Flynn we want you to COME over here and give us a HAND.’ Flynn makes out he hasn’t heard, we can see that he has, his movement gives him away.

  Mam calls ‘Brian, Phillip, Jack, and Toby all of you come over here.’ Toby draws a deep breath. ‘Oh shit, we are in for it now.’ Flynn has heard and can see us coming over. I can see he doesn’t know what to do; we really have him scared. He finally decides to collect a few dirty plates from a table furthest from the stage this is something he never does.

  Mam speaks, ‘I have spoken to The Reverend, during lunch about our little talk this morning, he agrees it would be a nice gesture, he will tell you what he has in mind.’

  The Reverend steps down from the stage ‘Thank you Mam; now boys, I think it would be inappropriate to say anything about your relationships as friends with Lionel, that is personal and needn’t be passed on to strangers, therefore I suggest, no, I will allow one of you to recite the twenty third psalm at the church on Monday, subject of course to the vicar approving it, you choose between you who it will be. Tomorrow, at our memorial service, once again one of you can read a passage composed by all of you of no more than fifty words, and subjected to vetting by me.’

  ‘Can we say what we like?’

  ‘No Snell you can’t, it will not be detrimental to Saint Stephens or any member of staff and, most of all, it is not to mention his foolhardy absconding, and his subsequent demise, is that clear?’

  ‘Yes Reverend, but I don’t understand, isn’t demise the same as dead, Lionel is dead isn’t he?’

  ‘Snell, do not be insolent with me, now go and start composing, have it to me by supper.

  If I am unhappy with what you intend to say you will have to revert to reciting the twenty third Psalm, is that clear?’

  ‘Yes Reverend.’

  ‘Good, now go about your business.’

  ‘That doesn’t give us much to say, he’s bloody frightened we will say something bad about this place.’

  ‘Wouldn’t make any difference if we could Brian, we are only allowed to say it here so there will be no one from outside to hear, it would be different if we could say it at the funeral.’

  ‘You’re right Jack, so who is going to volunteer to speak at the funeral?’

  ‘You should Brian because you’re the oldest and you have known Lion longer.’

  ‘No, you would be better at it Phil.’

  ‘I am not going to say the twenty third psalm; I don’t believe in God anymore, he doesn’t listen to me when I pray so I don’t want to speak in church.’

  ‘Bloody hell Phil, do you pray?’

  ‘No, not anymore Brian the last time I prayed was when I saw Lion get in the boot of that car and I prayed for God to keep him safe so, no, I don’t pray; tell you what, I will write something for the memorial service and read it there if one of you does the funeral reading.’

  Toby says ‘I nominate Brian.’ Jack agrees

  ‘So do I Toby.’

  ‘Okay I’ll do it, but I warn you I’m not a very good reader.’

  ‘That’s settled then, Brian does the church, and I’ll read it here in Chapel. I had better go to the library, to get some peace and quiet, so I can concentrate on what to write.’

  After several attempts to get started I’ve used four pages of Peter’s exercise book. If I had a rubber it would help, but with all the crossing out it looks a mess, I think I am going to give up and say the psalm, as much as I don’t want to. Taking the Talisman from the shelf I continue to read chapter thirteen, Sir Kenneth follows the dwarf avoiding the soldiers and sneaks into a tent. He can hear the dwarf and the Queen talking and realizes he has been tempted away from his post for some kind of a conspiracy ------ A thought comes to my head and I start to write:

  Rest in peace Lionel Bates,

  Affectionately called Lion, by his mates.

  Lion never knew his Mum,

  Mam Miller became his Mum in lieu,

  She had a soft spot for him and loved him true.

  Lion never knew his Dad,

  Mr. Flynn became his Dad and loved him too,

  But in a way only some fathers do.

  Brian, Jack, Toby, and Phil,

  We are his mates and love him still,

  Rest in peace dear Lionel Bates.

  ‘I’ve done it, what do you think?’ Brian takes the note book from me and begins to read, the others looking over his shoulder. ‘You haven’t mentioned me; I was one of his mates as well you know.’

  “I’m sorry Peter, I didn’t think because you won’t be here, I can add you in, no trouble at all; so what do you think?’

  ‘I think it’s great, they will never guess what you are saying.’

  ‘Phil, can I make a suggestion? If you change some fathers do to some fathers will, it will then rhyme with Phil.’

  ‘Brilliant Toby, why didn’t I think of that okay I’ll change it and add you as well Peter.’

  Supper is over, I’ve handed my poem to the Reverend. With baited breath and fingers crossed behind my back, I’m waiting for his reaction. He is taking ages, then hands it to Mam, she reads it, then reads it out aloud. ‘What do you think Mrs. Miller?’

  ‘I think it is beautiful, who wrote it?’

  ‘I did Mam.’

  ‘I have a feeling this is written with innuendo; is it Snell?’

  “No Reverend, I wrote it by myself, a couple of words were changed by the others but that was all.’

  ‘Innuendo means, saying one thing but meaning something else.’

  ‘No Reverend, I mean everything I have written.’

  ‘I believe you have Phillip, I did have a soft spot for Lionel and did try to fill the place of a mother.’

  What about Mr. Flynn, I didn’t know that he and Bates were particularly close?’

  ‘Yes Reverend, they were very close in the beginning. Lionel told us all about, how Mr. Flynn had
helped him to grow. But when younger boys came here, Mr. Flynn paid more attention to them. Lionel said he didn’t mind because he thought Mr. Flynn thought of him as grown up now, and that the younger boys needed his helping hand more.’

  ‘I see, you learn something every day what do you think Mrs. Miller?’

  ‘I think it is a lovely tribute to both staff and his friends.’

  ‘Then I will allow it who will be reading it and who is doing the reading at the funeral?’

  ‘I will Reverend and Brian is doing the funeral.’

  ‘Well done, now go about your business.’

  Back in the dorm the others can’t believe we are allowed to read what we have written.

  ‘Didn’t query anything, nothing at all?’

  ‘Well Brian, he asked about Flynn, and said he didn’t know they were that close, I told him he helped Lion grow, I didn’t say which bit though.’

  ‘You’re a bloody laugh Phil.’

  The Chapel is overflowing, the kids from St Gab’s are here, and parked at the front is the green Humber. I want to go and ask the driver, ‘Why did you lock the boot?’ but I’m not sure if it is the same man, as this one is wearing a grey uniform and he looks taller.

  Rachel is here, she catches my eye, gives that little wave from the hip and that wonderful smile that makes me tingle. I do so hope I will get a chance to speak to her today.

  The service is nice; the reverend says a few words about Lion. To hear him speak you would have thought Lion was his son and not someone that had disgraced St S’s and a boy that he had thrashed so hard a few weeks ago. Reverend Panama Hat says a prayer and then says a few words about Lion being a vibrant young man with a bright future ahead of him. What a load of rubbish, he didn’t even know him.

  I get my moment of glory; it seems strange standing at the lectern, looking at all those faces looking up at me. I can see, at the back, Bloody Auntie Mavis and Jill. There is someone here from outside after all, so I read my poem to them. Everyone sings- (that is except me I am still not friends with God. Why should I talk and sing to him if he won’t listen to me when I need him) - ‘All things bright and Beautiful’, then they sing the ‘Twenty third psalm’ and, as always finish with the Lords Prayer.

  I’m helping Peter carry his gear downstairs, to where Auntie Mavis and Jill are waiting beside an old grey Triumph Gloria tourer, with its hood down. The case is dropped into the dickey seat, Peter gives me a hug, ‘I wish you could come with me’

  ‘It wouldn’t be right for me to come with you but, who knows, someone may come for me before long.’

  ‘Phil, just to let you know your letter was posted last Monday so your friend should have it by now; I hope it all works out for you.’

  ‘Thanks for doing that Auntie Mavis; hope that’s okay, I don’t know what else to call you.’

  ‘Auntie Mavis is fine by me I consider that an honour to be called your aunt. Bye, bye Phil, take care.’ Peter and Jill clamber into the back Auntie M sits beside the driver then with a crunch of gears, the Gloria glides out onto the road.

  Both Jill and Peter are kneeling on the back seat waving furiously; Auntie M is waving both her arms above her head. I heard Gran say once that she was both happy and sad and I thought, how could that be, but now I think I know what she meant. I have a lump in my throat and I feel like I want to cry. Is it happiness for Peter or sadness for me I don’t know? Swallowing hard, I fight back the tears; I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I turn around to find I am all alone, not one member of staff has come to say goodbye to Peter, how rotten is that.

  Rachel is sitting on the bench under the oak tree, talking with two girls from St S’s, I’m not sure if I should go and speak to her but she notices me. That tingling smile lights up her face, I can feel my neck getting hot the heat creeping up to ears, ‘Hello Phil we were talking about you.’

  ‘Why, what have I done nothing bad I hope?’

  ‘No, don’t be silly. She – sorry, don’t know your name.

  ‘Doris and this is Enid.’ Doris says pointing to her friend.

  ‘I’m Rachel; Doris was telling me you wrote that poem about Lionel.’

  ‘Yeah, was it alright?’

  ‘It was beautiful, wish I could write things like that,’ Enid looks at Doris then turns to me.

  ‘There was a message in there, wasn’t there, the bit about Mam and Mr. Flynn?’

  ‘No, only about Flynn, he is the bad one.’

  ‘Then you don’t know about Mam, she’s doing the same sort of thing.’ Rachel is looking bewildered,

  ‘What sort of thing what are you talking about?’

  ‘It’s complicated Rachel, I’ll tell you about later.’

  ‘Phillip Snell do not treat me like a child, I want to know what you are talking about?’ I don’t know how to tell, her I can feel myself going red again, and then Doris comes to my rescue,

  ‘Interfering with children, I think it is called abuse, she did it to me and to Enid and a lot of others.’

  ‘Yes, if you are about eight when you come here, she pretends she is giving you a cuddle and a love because you don’t have a mum. She then puts her finger inside you it hurts a lot.’

  ‘She told me, while she was kissing me, that she was checking to see if I had any nasties up there. When I asked what she meant, she told me earwigs that would grow to a foot long and eat me from inside, so it was important for her to check at least once a week, but I should check myself every day and that I wasn’t to tell anybody because if, I did, I would get into serious trouble from the Reverend and be sent away to a very horrible place to die.’

  ‘That is really horrible, why didn’t you tell anyone; how long was she doing that to you?’

  ‘Two years for me and just over two for Doris. We couldn’t say anything, we were too scared, anyway in the beginning you believed her, and then later you felt too ashamed to say anything to anybody.’

  ‘She stops when you start your periods, or if you refuse and threaten to speak out.’

  ‘I feel sick; how can anybody do that to a child, I still can’t believe you didn’t tell someone?’

  ‘I know Rachel that is what I meant about being ashamed. What we do instead is to try to protect the young ones when they arrive. We try to explain, but some kids don’t believe us and miss love so much they get caught in the trap.’

  ‘When I wrote my poem Mam read it to the Reverend and said how true it was that she did love Lion, I can’t believe she is doing the same thing as Flynn.’

  ‘Well do; you don’t think we made it up do you? Did Flynn do anything to you?’

  ‘Sort of, he tried but Lion saved me?’

  ‘So there, and did you tell anyone?’

  ‘No; I know, like you said, you’re too scared and don’t know who to tell or if they will believe you.’

  ‘So, what are we going to do about it now it‘s sort of out in the open?’

  ‘Nothing Doris, I have already done it, I’ve written to a friend he is a school teacher. I gave the letter to Peter’s foster mum, she told me she posted it a week ago, so Pop should have it by now, and he will certainly do something about it. When he contacts me I’ll tell him about Mam Okay.’

  ‘That is fantastic do you think he will tell the police?’

  ‘The police, I hadn’t thought of that, is what they are doing something you can go to prison for? Tell you what can you write down everything that happened to you, and then I will write to Pop again?’

  ‘I think so, let’s hope so, can we talk about something else now?’

  ‘Okay Rachel, where is Miriam, a month ago she wouldn’t let you out of her sight?’

  ‘Oh, she’s back at St Gab’s, one of the house mothers seems to have taken her under her wing; my God Phil, do you think that sort of thing is happening to her?’

  ‘Could be, I don’t know nothing would surprise me now.’

  ‘Rachel I would ask her, but don’t frighten her, if it’s not happening it would be a
shame to make her scared of all adults.’

  ‘How can I do that Enid, without scaring her?’

  ‘Just ask if she has found any earwigs, worms, or nasty’s then see what her reaction is.’

  ‘Yes, I’ll do that; when are we going to leave here? I want to go back to see if she is alright; I’m going to find someone to ask.’

  ‘I’ll come with you, Marjorie is probably the best and the easiest to find, she is so big and she’s got that stupid sun hat on again.’

  ‘Oh Phil, now I am so worried, I never knew that sort of thing could happen.’

  Marjorie is harder to find than I thought, she is sitting beside a rhododendron bush, her floral dress blends in perfectly, but it is her hat that has given her away. ‘Marjorie, what time are we going back to Saint Gabriel’s?’

  ‘Hello you two, in about fifteen minutes, you can help me round up the tribe; Phillip I was very impressed with your poem.’

  ‘Thank you Marjorie’

  ‘Now, if you two love birds will start looking over the other side I’ll look around here, we need fifteen, including you Rachel.’ Cupping her hand around her ear ‘I’m sure I can hear wedding bells.’

  ‘What the hell is she talking about; there is not a church for miles.’

  ‘Silly, she means you and me getting married.’

  ‘I see, I think I might like that.’

  ‘Me too’ she said, using that tingling smile, my neck and ears are on fire again.

  Chapter Nine

  Our after lights out pow wow is mostly me talking, telling the others what the girls told me about Mam. ‘Did you tell them we think we have Flynn scared now that we are shouting at him?’