Barefoot and Lost

by Brian Francis Cox

Two weeks have passed. Reg has been in a convalescent home on the seafront, just past Warrior Square, for the past five days. June is taking me to see him tomorrow, Saturday being the best day as Pop spends all day at the Synagogue.

  The house is not sold but a buyer is interested, he wants to turn it into flats but has to wait for the Council’s approval I don’t know why they have to be involved, I’d have thought, if you owned it, you could do what you want but apparently not, I just want things to hurry along so we are a normal family again. June is now working in the convalescent home five nights a week. Those nights I sleep at Pop’s in Michael’s bed, I try not to think about it but sometimes, when I am just laying there, I feel as though he is in the room with me, it doesn’t scare me it gives me a sort of warm feeling. Staying at Pop’s on school days is good for my homework he doesn’t do it for me but points me in the right direction. He has a way of doing it that make me believe I have worked it out for myself, now I feel I am no longer falling behind the best in the class.

  Reg is sitting in an armchair in front of a big bay window. When he sees us he raises his left hand to wave. June gives him a kiss, he looks at me then picks up his right hand with his left for me to shake, and it feels cold to touch, with no grip. ‘Lelo Flip’ the rest is jumbled.

  ‘Hello Reg, do you like it here?’

  ‘Okay.’

  It is sad to see him like this, ‘June, will Reg always be like this?’ Reg touches me with his left foot and nods towards his lap, I’m wondering what he wants me to see and then I notice he is moving his fingers.

  ‘Fantastic, you’ll be running before you know it.’ I cannot understand his reply but his good side is smiling, his other side is certainly trying too.

  ‘It will be, long time yet Phillip but it is a good sign, with the right therapy he will make a recovery , let us keep our fingers crossed, Reg attempts to cross the fingers on his bad side but doesn’t quite make it.

  June has now taken to working full time at the convalescent home, on shift work. This means that some of her days off I am at school, some days she is going to work just as I am coming home, I hardly ever see her except when she is not working Saturday, but then we still go to see Reg. She is spending nearly as much time there as Reg, I’m fed up with it and I think Pop and Tess are not too happy with the arrangement because I seem to be at their house permanently, this causes problems at meal times because some meals are rituals and they do not know whether to include me or not, so I think they compromise. At times they behave as though I am Michael, which is awkward, so I go along with it, not wanting to upset them. I feel like I am a burden to June because of Reg, also a burden to Pop and Tess because I am not Jewish. I do not want to go to a home. Yesterday I wrote to Awful again, he hasn’t answered my first letter. Maybe he has and June has hidden it from me. This time I have given Pop’s address, so maybe I’ll be lucky.

  The man who wants to turn the house into flats now has permission, so the sale is going ahead, but when I asked June when we will be moving, she said that there were hold ups with the searches and the surveyors. I didn’t know what she meant, she told me the searches were to make sure they owned the house, and the Surveyor, to make sure the building wasn’t about to fall down. It could all take up to twelve weeks, which means it will be after the school summer holidays. What am I supposed to do everyday, when she is working, I can’t go swimming all day everyday can I. When I asked, June said we will work something out, I’m sure Peabody won’t be happy with that, I just know it.

  It’s swimming with the school this afternoon, so on Tuesdays I’m home a bit earlier because we live closer to the baths than the school. Tess calls me, ‘Phillip you are to go to your house now, June is waiting for you.’

  ‘Why, what is wrong, is she ill?’

  ‘No, she is not ill but she needs you to go right away.’ Turning the corner I can see the little black Hillman with its gas bag on the roof, my stomach sinks I want to run away and hide.

  June and Miss Peabody are seated at the table, Peabody gets up as I walk in, holds out her chubby hand, I almost refuse it but change my mind, best to stay on her good side. ‘Hello Phillip, my how you have grown, must be this good sea air.’

  ‘Hello Miss Peabody, why are you here?’

  ‘Miss Peabody is unhappy with our arrangement and has come here to discuss it.’

  ‘Thank you Mrs. Milligan, let me explain Phillip------’

  ‘You’re going to take me away, I knew it, I knew this would happen, why didn’t that bloody bomb kill me as well, at least I’d be with a mum that wanted me?’

  ‘Phillip that is unfair, of course I want you if you were my own son I wouldn’t have--, couldn’t have done it differently.’

  ‘That is the issue here, commitment to a foster child is controlled by the courts, you are bound by certain rules, and those rules have been broken.’

  ‘There you go again, accusing me of not being a good parent, what more could I do?

  I provide for him, I give him love.’

  ‘But Mrs. Milligan you do not give him stability.’

  ‘And uprooting him into some home, with two hundred other kids, will?’

  ‘Mrs. Milligan, I know you have had the best of intentions but your track record doesn’t reflect that.’

  ‘I have done my best but, what with Reg being taken ill, things have been very difficult; we have a plan don’t we Phil? As soon as this place is sold things will be different, we will live in a nice little house, with roses around the door if you want, just give us a chance to complete our plan.’

  ‘Mrs. Milligan, your selection as foster parents was out of compassion on our part, you do not fit our profile for a stable home, we were willing to see how it would turn out, that is why we gave you and your husband a six month probation period. That time has extended into almost nine, because of the police protection.’

  ‘That wasn’t of my making it was yours, if you had vetted Saint Stephen’s more closely it wouldn’t have happened.’

  ‘As maybe, but we have made allowances for that.

  Going back to your profile Mrs Milligan, you are too old, not you so much, but Mr. Milligan is, being several years older than you.

  ‘What has age got to do with it, I am fit and healthy and have more energy than some half my age’

  ‘Your husband’s condition at present is one of the reasons; we do not select older couples, preferring instead to find younger couples that can provide a stable home for a child, until they are at least working age, and still be young enough to enjoy the grandchildren from their foster son or daughter, that is unlikely in Phillip’s case.’

  ‘But doesn’t the fact that we love each other override all that?’

  ‘I’m sorry to say the courts do not view it like that, at Phillip’s age he needs a male hand to guide him, and your husband is not now and may never be able to perform that duty.’

  ‘Yes I know, but Sam Cohen has stepped in and is doing an excellent job.’

  ‘Well that’s as maybe. At the time of selection for fostering Mr. Cohen also applied but he was rejected on religious grounds and that he is also co-habiting, therefore is clearly not a suitable candidate, and here I find that Phillip, is not only being guided by this man, but is living in his house.’

  ‘But Mrs. Pea,’ sorry, Miss Peabody, this is only a temporary arrangement, only until I move into my new house, where the three of us will be able to play happy families, Phillip and I have it all worked out haven’t we son?’

  ‘That’s right, I love being here, I love June and I love Pop and Tess, please don’t send me to a home, if you do I’ll run away.’

  ‘Supposing you did run away, where would you go? Back here, I’d be bound, we would soon find you. Sorry but next Sunday, the twenty fifth of June, you will be collected and taken to Dr Barnardos at Parkside, please have everything you think you will need until Christmas, then we will review your position again Mrs. Milligan.’

  ‘So this is not permane
nt then; where exactly is this Parkside?’

  ‘Near Ilford in Essex, as I said Mrs. Milligan, we will review it at Christmas.’

  ‘Will I be able to visit Philip?’

  ‘Only at the discretion of the directors, and application must be made in writing, but Mrs. Milligan, it is only a for six months, it would be best if you allowed Phillip to settle in and you spend the time putting your house in order so that Phillip can return.’

  Miss Peabody gets to her feet, shakes hands with June, offers her hand to me, this time I turn my back on her, bloody fat cow. June is leading the way up the stairs to the front, door I’m following behind, looking up all I can see is her fat thighs and stocking tops, I step back a step to see if I can see her knickers, but I can’t. Why did I do that? June holds the door open for her and slams it almost before she has time to pass through. June and I look at each other, she takes both my hands.

  ‘Phillip, it will not be that bad six months that gives us a lot of time, to make everything perfect.’

  “Yeah, I suppose it may not be that bad, do you think I would be allowed to take my bike?’

  ‘I very much doubt it but don’t worry, I will look after it, may even use it if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Can you ride it with a cross bar?’

  ‘Probably not, but I’ll wear slacks and your bicycle clips.’

  The last four days have dragged, I have been in trouble at school twice, once for not paying attention in maths, for which I got extra homework. No point in worrying about that, I don’t intend doing it as I won’t be here next week. The other time was for hitting one of Michael’s new friends; he called me Phyllis and went on by telling the others how I was called that at Primary school. I wasn’t in the mood, so I hit him, making his nose bleed, but I was seen, so was quickly marched to the principals office where, after a half an hour wait, I was given six strokes of the cane across my bum. That is hard to understand, why is it an adult can hit you, because you have hit someone? I wonder if he goes home and his wife beats him, then she kicks the dog, the dog then bites the cat, where does it stop. I’m quietly laughing to myself, perhaps I should find out the Principals address so I can go and apologise to his cat.

  I haven’t seen June since Tuesday, she is on nights, she sleeps whilst I’m at school, and I sleep at Pop’s. Today is Saturday, he is at the synagogue, so while June is sleeping, I have taken Jet for his last walk until Christmas. It is almost as though she is happy for me to be going away, so she doesn’t have me to worry about. I’d have thought that she would have made an effort to be with me as much as possible this week but she hasn’t. I asked Pop about it, I think he agrees with me but is too much of a gentleman to criticize June to me, he just said, ask her.

  I can hear her coming down the stairs; I’m going to ask her at the first opportunity. ‘Hello stranger, where have you been all my life?’ She says as she burst into the kitchen, beaming all over her face, looking really pleased to see me. She gives me a hug, ‘Phillip, what am I going to do without you for a whole six months? I will miss you so much.’ I don’t know what to say, maybe she really does care about me, I don’t want to upset her so say,

  ‘I will miss you too.’

  ‘I know you will; okay, a quick lunch then we will go and see Reg for an hour, so you can say goodbye to him, then we will go to the pictures to see Bambi and then we will have our tea at that new café on the seafront, Demarco’s I think they call it.

  Phillip, I am sorry I haven’t seen much of you this week, but they are so short staffed at the home, I couldn’t leave them in the lurch, so this is my little treat to make it up to you, do you forgive me?’

  ‘Yes I forgive you.’ I was right, she cares more about the home and being with Reg than being with me, please Awful, please reply to my letter.

  ‘When will I get a chance to say goodbye to Pop and Tess?’

  ‘Tomorrow morning, Barnardos rang yesterday to say they would be coming for you at eleven, I told Sam; he said that he and Tess would come up to see you off.’

  I’m not sure if I liked Bambi, I thought Thumper was funny but it was so sad when Bambi’s mum was killed. I knew how he felt, how alone he was, even though he had friends that tried to help. He was just like me so alone with no one that loved him because he was their flesh and blood, no one that knew how he felt without asking, he had no one to love him because he was Bambi. They loved him because they felt sorry for him, just like me.

  The only one that loves me for being me is Jet, but then, maybe not, he might love me just because I take him for walks. I can’t stop crying, it is as though all the sad in my life is flowing out of me. I wish so much that my dad, just like Bambi’s, would come to me and look after me. June hasn’t noticed or has chosen to say nothing, because she doesn’t know what to say, how can anybody know how I feel?

  Chapter Nineteen

  Pop and Tess arrived before ten, staying for about forty five minutes, but it was awkward, no one knew what to say. They both gave me hugs and kisses, then Pop slipped a half crown into my pocket, ‘Keep it safe and use only when absolutely necessary, it is a loan, I want the same half crown back at Christmas; I have taken note of its date, be careful Phil, look after yourself.’ I followed them to the front porch and watched them walk away holding hands, not looking back, not even when they turned the corner into Station Street. I feel empty. June joins me, ‘They are very upset you know Phillip.’ Of course they are no mention of how I feel. As I watch I can see a man walking- no marching towards me from the direction of the station,

  ‘Good morning Phillip, Mrs. Milligan, my name is George Colstan, I am here to escort Phillip to Parkside, are you ready to go young man? The train leaves in thirty minutes, and we have a long journey ahead.’ Mr. Colstan is a big man with a big round face and a very straight back, his blue pinstripe suit looks new, and is far too tight. His hat is at least two sizes too small, it is sitting on top of his head. As he bends down to pick up my case he keeps his head upright, as though he is trying to balance the hat, his shoes are shining like mirrors.

  ‘Yes, I’m ready’ I go to give June a hug.

  ‘I’m coming with you to the station, to wave you off.’

  ‘Do you think that is a good idea Mrs. Milligan, might be easier if you don’t?’

  ‘I’m coming, that’s all there is to it Mr. Colstan, you would like me to come wouldn’t you Phillip?’

  ‘Of course I would, I was going to ask you to come anyway.’

  Leaning out of the window we are holding hands, June is walking alongside as the train slowly moves along the platform. She is crying ‘Phillip, I will do everything I can to get you back, I promise.’ I’m too choked to say anything perhaps I am wrong, maybe she does love me for being me.

  Mr. Colstan tries to make conversation about my hobbies, what do I like most, do I have a girlfriend, but I’m not in the mood for talking. Arriving at Charing Cross we then catch two buses to Stepney, a twenty minute walk brings us to a large house. A lady there knows Mr. Colstan and we sit, for half an hour, over a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich. They are ignoring me and are chatting about things and people at Barnardos; it suits me fine just to listen.

  ‘Right Phillip, our chariot has arrived.’ Mr. Colstan gets up from his chair, ‘Bye Mary, nice talking to you, hope it’s not too long before we do it again; come on Phillip, can’t keep Charlie waiting,’ with that he grabs and swings my suit case as though it is empty.

  Outside is an old Albion van with its back doors open, stacked on both sides are lots of old shoes and boots. ‘Okay, in the back with you, and make yourself comfortable, I’m riding up front with Charlie; welcome to the cheese wagon.’

  Mr. Colstan closes the doors; there is nowhere to sit so I sit on my suitcase. With a crunch of the gears we move off, it is dark inside I can only see the chink of daylight through the gap of the badly fitting doors that twist and rattle as we go along. My eyes and my nose become accustomed to the light and the smell of shoes and smelly
feet, but I can also smell bread.

  After what seems several hours the van stops, Charlie opens the doors, the light streams in almost blinding me. ‘Welcome to Parkside’ a boy of about fifteen is standing there with his hand held out, first to shake it, then to help me down from the van. ‘I’m Graham you are assigned to my cottage you’re Phillip, correct?’

  ‘Yes, I’m Phillip but not correct, it’s Snell.’

  ‘My God, all we need is a joker, can I call you Phil? I’m the prefect in our cottage, everyone calls me Gray.’

  ‘Nice to have met you Phillip, go with Gray, he will show you where you sleep and show you the ropes; good luck son.’

  ‘Bye Mr. Colstan, thank you.’

  Looking about me I can see six, two storey houses with gardens in front. There are other houses at the end of the road but they look like they have been bombed, some have scaffolding up at them as though they are being repaired.

  ‘Rightie ho Phil, lets get you settled then I’ll show you around, introduce you to our house Father, he will fill you in with the rules and regs, Mr. White is his name but, behind his back, we call him Chalky, he’s a good sort.’

  ‘The man that taught me boxing is called Chalky.’

  ‘You’re a boxer? Don’t know if you will get the chance to box, here they don’t encourage fighting.’

  ‘I do swimming as well.’

  ‘My, you’re regular sportsman. Swimming you will get a chance to do, in fact anything that encourages a healthy body, you’ll get plenty of physical training here.’

  ‘Hope it is not like the PT at Saint S’s.’

  ‘Why, was it difficult?’

  ‘No just different, I’ll tell you about it one day when I get to know you better.’