A Long Way From Eden

by Jana Richards

  The thought of everyone knowing they were together filled her with panic. It made everything so real, so final. She loved Zane with all her heart, but how could she tell him they could never really be together the way he imagined?

  "Just give me some time, Zane. Please."

  He sighed and kissed her forehead. "Okay. I won't push you. It's just that I want to tell the whole world that I'm with the most beautiful, amazing woman."

  Meg smiled and took his hand. "I think you're pretty amazing, too."

  From the corner of her eye, Meg saw Joe step into the kitchen, and she hastily dropped Zane's hand. From the look on his face she knew she'd hurt him, but she had no other choice.

  "Hello Zane," Joe said, obviously surprised to find him in his kitchen. He extended his hand. "How are you?"

  "I'm fine, Joe. I'll get out of your way in a moment. I just needed to talk to Meg." He glanced at his watch and turned to Meg. "I should get back to my office. Erin wanted me to invite you for dinner tonight. My mom is with us for a few days. Can you come?"

  "I can't. I have to work."

  "Come on, Meg," Joe said. "You've been here since six o'clock this morning. You've worked long enough for one day. Zane will think I'm some kind of slave driver."

  "But then we'll be short-staffed tonight."

  Joe patted her shoulder. "I'll call one of the new people. Just go to Zane's house and have a good time."

  She turned to Zane with a smile. "I guess I'm available. Can I bring anything?"

  "I think Erin wants to make everything herself tonight. Can you be there around six-thirty?"

  "Sure."

  "Well, goodbye. I'll see you later." Instead of leaving, Zane stood staring into her eyes.

  She knew he wanted to kiss her, and it surprised her how much she wanted him to. But with Joe standing right beside them it wasn't possible. Meg appreciated that Zane respected her feelings about telling her family. She sent him a grateful smile.

  "Goodbye, Zane," Joe said cheerfully.

  Zane dragged his gaze away from Meg to look at Joe. "Yeah, goodbye, Joe." With one last look at Meg he left.

  Joe loaded a tray of dishes into the dishwasher. "Zane's a nice guy."

  "Yes." Meg busied herself mixing flour and shortening into the bowl, her hands shaking a little.

  "I just think it would be great if he found someone nice. Someone like you."

  She attacked the flour and shortening and kneaded it mercilessly. "Don't try to play matchmaker, Joe."

  "I'm not. I'm just saying." He took off his apron and hung it on the wall. "I'll be in the office going over the books."

  She paused in her kneading to watch him go. If Joe could sense the undercurrent between her and Zane, so would everyone else. And then it would be even harder to let him go.

  * * * *

  "Erin, this is terrific. You're turning into a fantastic cook."

  Erin beamed at Meg across the dining room table. "I had a good teacher."

  "I propose a toast." Zane lifted his wine glass. "To Meg and Erin and to many more tasty meals that they'll create in the future."

  "Hear, hear."

  Zane looked around the table and thought how wonderful it was to have all the people he loved together. His mother had driven in from Harwood that afternoon and would be staying with them for a few days to look at houses. Erin and Tom sat together holding hands, obviously in love. Anna was perched at the end of the table in her portable baby seat, watching the proceedings.

  Meg sat next to him. It was all he could do not to reach over to touch her. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and tell everyone that she was his.

  But Meg didn't want that. Although he tried to understand her feelings, they didn't really make sense to him. Was she embarrassed to be seen in public with him? When they were alone, they seemed in perfect sync, but in the presence of their families, it was strictly hands off. Meg was careful to keep a part of herself hidden from him. Why did secrets always seem to control his life?

  Zane made coffee and Erin served the brownies she'd made. When they finished dessert, Tom smiled at his mother.

  "Guess what I found yesterday?" When Meg shook her head, he continued. "I was at the apartment yesterday, looking for some of my notes and study guides for a class I took last year, and I ran across this." He pulled a picture from his pocket and handed it to Meg. Zane saw the color drain from her face. Her hands trembled, causing the old photograph to flutter slightly.

  "Where did you find this?" she asked, a tiny quaver in her voice.

  "In the closet where you keep all my old notebooks and junk like that." He took the photo from Meg and passed it to Zane, oblivious to her distress. Zane saw a faded color snapshot of a tall, handsome young man and a very young Meg holding a baby.

  "It's a picture of my mom and dad with me. I think it might be the only one we have with us together as a family. I haven't seen it in ages. Why was it hidden in the closet?"

  "I--I put it away for safekeeping," Meg replied, looking down at her clenched hands.

  "I'd like to keep it, if it's okay with you, Mom. I don't have a lot of pictures or mementos of my father." Tom grinned. "Remember you told me that when your father was trying to take the picture, I kept bawling, and my Dad had to make funny faces at me to get me to stop. The first picture taken had him with his eyes crossed and his tongue sticking out. My Dad liked to make me laugh."

  Zane examined the picture carefully before handing it to his mother. No one was laughing in this picture, in fact no one was even smiling. Meg's face registered no expression at all, as if she was attempting to hide her feelings from the world. It struck Zane as odd for such a supposedly happy family.

  "Mom, remember the story you told me about how the three of us went on a picnic in a pasture and it started to rain and Dad had to carry us both through the mud to get back to the truck? You told me lots of stories about how much fun we had. I wish I could remember them, but I guess I was too young."

  Meg's face was full of pain, as if thinking about those good times hurt too much to relive. "Yes, you were very young," she whispered.

  Zane couldn't stand to see her in agony. If he were honest with himself, he didn't want to hear about the flawlessness of Tom's father. He knew he'd fallen somewhat short of perfection as a father. He didn't need to be compared to the perfect Paul Clifford.

  "Tom, why don't you help me clear the table?"

  He got to his feet and began to gather dishes. His hand brushed Meg's and she stared up at him in surprise, a look of such guilt on her face that it took Zane by surprise. Why would she react that way? What did she have to feel guilty about?

  Zane sighed wearily as he carried dishes into the kitchen. It was just one more secret she kept from him.

  * * * *

  Meg softly closed the door of her apartment, grateful for the shelter of her little home. At least when she was home alone she didn't have to pretend, though from the look on Zane's face, her acting skills were getting pretty weak. She was finding it harder and harder to hide the truth.

  She flopped onto the sofa and kicked off her shoes. The guilt of what she'd done in the past, of what she continued to do, weighed heavily on her conscience. She'd deceived Tommy all these years, rationalizing that it was for his own good. How could she let him know how his father had really treated them?

  Now she'd made Zane believe she still grieved for Paul. She wanted to tell them both the truth but couldn't find the courage. Even if she told Zane the truth, her situation wouldn't change. She didn't have the power to change that.

  The kindest thing she could do for Zane would be to move on. Yet how could she when they were connected by their children and their grandchild? The thought of not seeing Zane, of not being able to touch him or kiss him ever again, caused an ache in her heart that doubled her over in pain. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she hugged herself and rocked back and forth. What was she going to do?

  Her intercom buzzed, forcing her to
set aside her self-pity. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and went to answer the intercom. "Yes?"

  "Meg, it's Zane. Can I come up?"

  She hesitated, her finger poised on the button. For his own good she should send him away. But she didn't have the strength to do the right thing. She pressed the door release.

  Quickly she patted cold water over her face, but the moment Zane stepped inside her apartment his expression told her the cover-up was futile.

  "You've been crying." He shoved the door shut with one hand and pulled her into his arms.

  Meg held him close, wrapping her arms around his waist. When she was with him like this, the obstacles between them didn't seem to matter. All she knew was that when sheltered against Zane's broad chest, she felt safe.

  "That old picture really upset you."

  She stiffened. "It just brought back some painful memories, that's all. I'm fine."

  He gently kissed the top of her head. "Those tears are telling me that maybe you're not as fine as you claim."

  "Please, don't make me talk about it."

  He sighed, and she felt his disappointment vibrate through his whole body. "Okay Meg, but I want you to know you can tell me anything. Anything at all. Do you understand?"

  She swallowed hard, knowing he'd never understand or forgive. "Yes."

  He drew away a little so he could look into her face. "I'll let you get some rest. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

  She tightened her grip on his waist when he would have pulled away. "Don't go, Zane. Stay with me tonight." She knew making love with Zane would solve nothing, might even increase the pain for both of them eventually, but she loved him and wanted to be with him.

  He combed his fingers through her hair as he searched her eyes. Slowly he began to smile, and without a word lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

  * * * *

  Zane and his mother followed the real estate agent through a small story and a half house in a tidy St. James neighborhood, listening while the agent extolled the virtues of the home. Zane examined the house with a builder's eye, checking the workmanship of the original construction, as well as that of the renovations the house had gone through in its fifty-year life. From what he could see the little house was solid.

  The agent showed them out the back door into the garden. "I'm told there are several perennials in these beds," she said. "It's hard to tell at this time of year because everything has died back." She produced some pictures from an envelope and handed them to Emily. "This is what it looks like in the summer."

  Emily smiled as she examined the photos. Zane leaned over her shoulder and saw the garden's flowerbeds, now dormant, filled with life and color. "What do you think, Ma?"

  "I think it's perfect." She turned to the real estate agent. "I'd like to make an offer on this house."

  They went to a coffee shop to write up the purchase offer. After the real estate agent left to submit the offer, Zane and Emily stayed behind to finish their coffee. They talked about the new house for a while and about selling the old house, as well as her business in Harwood. Finally Emily put down her coffee cup and looked Zane in the eye. "Meg seemed upset last night."

  Zane avoided her gaze by staring at the napkin dispenser. "Yes."

  "Was it because Tommy talked about his father?"

  "I think so. She wouldn't say for sure."

  She picked up her cup once more and took a sip. "Meg's been alone for a long time. When she lost her husband and her family, she lost her whole sense of security. She's spent the last fifteen years or so building it back up piece by piece. Now you waltz into her life and challenge everything she's worked for."

  "I'm not challenging anything," Zane said. "I just want a relationship with her."

  "That's the biggest challenge of all," Emily said with a smile. "Meg needs to know that no matter what happens, you'll be there for her. She has to know she's safe." Her smile disappeared as she set down her mug. "When you were very young, there was this young man who came to Harwood to teach. We became friends. He told me he loved me, and I cared for him very much as well. When his teaching contract was over at the end of June and he was getting ready to leave, he asked me to marry him and come with him. I said I couldn't because of my parents, and because of you."

  She held up a hand when Zane started to protest. "But the real reason I didn't marry him was because I was afraid. I was afraid I'd be betrayed like I had before. He was a wonderful person but I couldn't feel safe. Do you love Meg?"

  He nodded, stunned by his mother's revelations.

  "Then find some way to let Meg know that she's not going to lose you, no matter what."

  "I'll do my best, Ma." Zane hesitated a moment, stirring his coffee with a spoon. He'd been putting off telling her about his trip to Vancouver, but the time had come. "I have to tell you something, Ma. I met my Dad."

  Emily's face drained of color. "Oh?" she said after a moment. "How is he?"

  Zane took her hand. "Not well. He has cancer. He doesn't have much longer."

  She stared at him, the look on her face shocked and disbelieving. "I'm so sorry, Zane. This isn't fair to you."

  "It isn't fair to anyone."

  Emily swallowed and looked away, wiping away a tear. "I loved him once, very much. But I let him get away. Don't let that happen to you and Meg."

  Zane squeezed her hand and wondered if she'd ever stopped loving Clayton. There was nothing he could do for Clayton or his mother, but he prayed there was still hope for Meg and him.

  The rest of the evening Zane thought about his mother's words. How could he make Meg feel safe and secure? How could he prevent her from slipping through his fingers? Finally he came up with what he thought was the perfect solution. He'd ask her to marry him.

  It made perfect sense. He loved her and wanted to spend his life with her. If he offered her his heart and soul, maybe then she'd be able to feel secure enough to share her secrets with him. He ignored the voice in his head that ridiculed him for keeping a secret of his own. He reasoned that some secrets were better left concealed.

  * * * *

  Light reflected on the glittering cases of jewelry, making the diamonds and gold displayed inside sparkle with even more brilliance. Zane cruised the aisles of the small hole-in-the-wall jewelry store, looking for the perfect ring for Meg, the one that would express to her everything he felt. It was a tall order for a little ring. He'd already been at three jewelry stores and so far nothing had jumped up and shouted 'I'm the one'.

  A smiling sales clerk approached him, a young woman wearing a diamond stud in her nose and a gold hoop in her eyebrow. Zane smiled back. She couldn't have been much older than Erin, and he thanked his lucky stars that his daughter's piercings were limited to one hole in each earlobe.

  "Can I help you sir?"

  "Yes, I'm looking for an engagement ring."

  "Oh great. Come with me and I'll show you our selection."

  He followed her to a glass case and watched while she unlocked it and brought out several trays of rings. He looked them over with a critical eye. Nothing here looked any different from what he'd seen in the last three stores. He shook his head and began to walk away.

  "Thank you, but I don't see what I'm looking for."

  "What exactly are you looking for?" the young woman asked.

  He frowned, trying to put what he wanted in words. "Well, something simple but elegant. Something understated and beautiful, but special." Something like Meg. He thought of her hands as they played the piano, the fingers long and elegant. He wanted a ring that befitted such beautiful hands.

  The girl smiled. "My dad has some special rings in the vault. Why don't I get him to show them to you?"

  She led him to a back room where a small balding man sat at a worktable, with a clock in pieces in front of him. "Dad, this gentleman is looking for a really special engagement ring, something elegant and simple. I was thinking about the platinum solitaire. Could you show it
to him please?"

  Her father looked up from his workbench and took off his glasses. "Certainly, Cory." His eyebrows went up discreetly as he examined Zane. "The platinum and the other rings we keep in the vault are considerably more valuable than the rings we have on display."

  Zane smiled. He'd been out at a construction site all morning and had foregone a suit and tie for faded jeans and work boots. No wonder the little jeweler was concerned. He hardly looked like someone capable of affording an expensive ring. "I understand. It's not a problem."

  "All right then. Come with me."

  He followed the jeweler into still another back room that contained a huge old style vault. Inside the vault Zane could see trays stacked one on top of the other, all loaded with rings and other expensive jewelry. The jeweler produced a couple of trays, set them on a table, and then turned on a desk lamp that illuminated the contents. The effect was dazzling. Gold and diamonds and other precious stones sparkled with a ferocity that made Zane blink. The jeweler selected a ring from one of the trays.

  "This is the ring Cory was talking about." He smiled fondly. "It's my daughter's favorite. It's a two-carat brilliant cut diamond in a platinum setting with some very lovely filigree work in the gallery. See how it sparkles and reflects the light?" The jeweler held the ring up to light, a look of reverence on his round face. "The master who cut this knew how to bring out its fire. The stone itself is nearly perfect--totally clear in color, with no visible imperfections. You don't see rings of this quality very often." He handed it to Zane.

  The minute he touched the ring Zane knew it was the one he wanted. It was so much like Meg, beautiful in a quiet, understated kind of way that might not get noticed on first glance. But when you took the time to look more closely the quality shone through.

  He smiled at the jeweler. "This is the one I want. It's exactly right."

  * * * *

  On Meg's one night off that week Zane took her to the Pavilion in Assiniboine Park for dinner. He sat across the small table from her, romantic music playing in the background and candlelight casting a soft glow to her face. He fingered the small ring box in the pocket of his suit. Everything was perfect.