“Horse shit,” I retorted.
“What?” Rae questioned in surprise and with a slight giggle.
“Horse shit,” I repeated myself. “Maybe you want to tell yourself that so that you can feel better about what you did with Alex, but I don't believe it. I see true love all around me. It might be displayed in different ways, but it's there.”
“You're just not going to give me any leeway are you?”
I took a moment to consider what she'd asked me. “No,” I finally replied. “You can't have it both ways; I'm sorry. If you want me to be there for you then you have to know what I really think or feel about something and vice versa. If we can't be completely honest with one another, then who can we truly trust to talk to about things?”
“Ugh,” Rae growled at me. “I hate when you're right, but you are, you know.”
“I don't want to be, but I'm worried about you,” I told her. “I don't want to see you get hurt.”
“I know,” Rae replied with a kind smile. “Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth, but I'd rather you be brutally honest with me than blow smoke up my ass.”
“Thanks,” I said, pulling her into a hug. “Me too.”
Rae released me from our embrace then sullenly moved to sit on my bed. She gave me thoughtful look and asked, “Do you think I'm a slut now?”
“No! Heavens, no!” I exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “I'd hate to lose your respect.”
“Don't be silly,” I encouraged her. “We all have to make choices based on our own conscious.”
“Yeah, but your conscious seems to talk to you more than mine,” Rae laughed softly. She was joking, but I knew she was worried.
“Do you regret doing all that with him?” I asked.
“No, I don't,” she admitted. “Is that bad? What does that say about me?”
“That you liked having sex?” I offered.
“I did. I did like it and I wouldn't mind doing it again.”
“With Alex?” I asked.
“Well, yeah,” Rae replied honestly. “I certainly hadn't planned things to go the way they did and maybe it was a mistake, but I can't bring myself to regret it, you know?”
“Yeah, I do know,” I told her. I stood up and walked over to the bed. Sitting down next to Rae, I added, “No matter what, I'm here for you.”
“I know,” she responded. “I appreciate that.”
“You can tell me anything; I'm not going to judge you,” I said truthfully. “I'll always stand beside you, helping you through your mistakes and support you in your achievements, even if I don't agree with your choices. That's what best friends do.”
“You're so gay,” Rae joked, lightening the mood. “You took a perfectly good story of lust and turned it into a chick flick.”
“Whatever,” I smiled at her. “You're so dumb.”
“And hot, right?” she teased, fanning herself with her hand.
“What?” I laughed unsure where this nonsense was taking our conversation.
“It's okay to want me; I know I'm hot,” Rae said, making her best “Blue Steel” Zoolander face.
“Oh, that face,” I feigned enchantment. “How can I deny that stunning look?”
Rae saddled up closer beside me and said, “If you want to sneak a little kiss, I won't tell Chris.”
“Shut up,” I laughed heartily as I shoved her off the end of my bed.
That night Chris and I went to dinner at Carbone's Pizzeria just off Cedar Avenue, near Minnehaha Parkway. Afterwards, we walked around Lake Nokomis. It was still early in the season, so it was a bit chilly when the sun went down, but it was a nice excuse to snuggle close while we walked. We needed warmth after all.
“So you really didn't know I was in love with you?” Chris asked me bluntly.
“No,” I giggled, embarrassed at my ignorance. “I hoped, but I would never presume to know such a thing.”
Chris laughed at me, “Presumed? Wow, you're such a nerd.”
“Shut up!” I said, swatting at him good-naturedly.
“What?” Chris acted innocent and added in mock surprise. “It's not supposed to be offensive if it's true, right?”
I tsked and gave him a friendly punch in the arm. We walked on, letting our laughter subside naturally, easing back into the quiet night. The gentle waves sloshed about and soothed my spirit. It was a beautiful night.
I'd always loved to take walks or go hiking. I found it renewed me and I basked in the sounds of nature, alive and vibrant around me. Taking evening walks with my family had always been something I loved about the summer months. It was only sweeter doing it with Chris.
“I do though,” Chris commented in a very low, serious voice, drawing my attention back to him.
“You do what?” I had lost our thread of conversation as I absorbed the sounds of the lake in motion against the shoreline.
“Love you,” he said.
I stopped in my tracks. He'd never said that before; he'd never told me he loved me. In the silence, I feared I had dreamed the whole thing. I realized I was okay with that as long as I never woke up.
Chris stopped walking too and turned me towards him so he could look directly at me. “More than that,” he added, “I'm in love with you.”
“I – I'm too,” I sputtered incoherently. As I shook my head to clear my thoughts, Chris chuckled at me sweetly. “Sorry, that was stupid. I meant to say, I love you too. I'm in love with you too – always have been.”
“I know,” Chris admitted and then he kissed me passionately, deeply.
I wasn't sure if we were just getting better at kissing or what, but these new kisses were even more consuming than the first ones we shared at the shop. My body tingled as though every nerve in my being was on fire and all life ceased around me. All that existed was Chris, the sound of our hearts beating in time and our breathing melding into one. I wasn't sure how much time passed nor did I care. All that mattered was him.
I was breathless when he finally stopped kissing me. I would have felt silly about my heavy breathing if he hadn't been breathing the same way. As he rested his forehead against mine, he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, holding me to him. I felt like liquid, so I was grateful for the extra support he offered. His touch had a way of melting me and molding me into something meant just for him.
“I waited for this for a long time,” Chris confessed to me.
“Me, too,” I admitted.
“I know,” he said, his fingers massaged the back of my neck lightly before he took a firm hold of it again. He wrapped his free arm around me, drawing me closer to him as I gripped his shirt tightly.
“If you knew, why'd you wait?” I felt confused and a little hurt because of my lack of understanding.
“I needed to know you were ready. I mean, we're so young,” he began.
“We're not that young,” I retorted.
He smiled at my irritation and continued, ignoring my interruption. “I wanted forever with you, so I needed to be sure you were ready for that same level of commitment.”
“You're all I ever wanted,” I told him confidently. “That's never going to change.”
“I know, but we both had to know that and you didn't realize that until recently.”
“How do you know that?” I asked frustrated at the lost time we could have had together.
“The way you looked at me,” Chris told me simply. “You always looked so timid and frightened.”
“And now?” I pressed.
“You still look timid and frightened, but it's different. You have a determination and self-possession that says you're becoming aware of your own person.”
“Wow,” I responded.
“What?” Chris asked as he pulled away enough to look into my eyes. “What?”
“Nothing, I was just thinking you're the nerd now.”
We laughed and resumed walking together. We talked about everything we could think of, all the things we had held back or kept inside. It w
as magically the way we fit together. It was as though we had never been any other way.
I finally understood what it meant to call someone your “soul mate.” Though Chris had always been one of my closest friends, this new connection was more complete than the highest level of friendship we had shared. It was like there had been invisible blockades in place that I never realized were there until we decided to truly open ourselves up to one another. Now that we had, it was freeing in a way I never expected.
The moment we professed our true feelings for one another released us from our previous reservations. All the fear and doubt was gone; replaced by a new sense of belonging and trust. Our conversations were easier and all the friction that made me feel on edge before dissipated. All I felt now was complete.
When Chris dropped me off at home that night, everyone had retired to their rooms, except Georgia. She was sitting at the kitchen table reading. As I entered the kitchen through the back door, she closed her book and smiled at me. I couldn't help smiling back at her. I just felt so happy.
“Did you have a nice time?” she asked, already aware of the answer.
“Yes,” I replied. I felt a little ridiculous that I couldn't stop smiling. It seemed the more I tried to contain my mirth, the bigger my smile got and the more explosive my joy became.
Georgia smiled and giggled a little at me. She stood up from the table and walked over to give me a sisterly hug and say, “It's really nice to see you smile like this.”
“Thanks,” I beamed. “It's more than I expected; how I feel.”
“Yeah,” was all she said. “Are you tired?”
“Probably, but I'm too excited to sleep,” I replied.
“Good,” Georgia said happily. “Grab the bowl of grapes out of the fridge and I'll brew us some tea quick then you can tell me all about it!”
“Okay,” I giggled.
Georgia could be a hard ass and we got into tiffs now and again, but we loved one another dearly. Georgia was always there for me and I didn't deserve her dedication or her unbridled concern. I had done nothing to earn her protection or her devotion, but she gave it to me freely, no matter what stupid thing I managed to say or do. It was nice to know I could rely on her, but I wanted to be just as reliable for her as she was for me. I knew I fell short of that aspiration.
“Thank you,” I said, my voice thick with emotion as we sat together at the table.
“Stop,” she said sweetly, easily. “Tell me! Tell me!”
I loved her enthusiasm and her child-like appreciation for sharing in the trivial stories of my life. She always made me feel important and special. She always listened without judgment and offered incredible insight that enriched my life. No matter what, I knew I could always count on Georgia to be there for me. I was deeply grateful for that.
“Georgia,” I asked timidly, not because I was embarrassed to talk to my older sister, but because I was still debating whether or not I was ready for her honest answer. “Do you think I'm a prude?”
“What?” Georgia said surprised. “That's random. How'd we move from pizza to prude?”
I shrugged noncommittally. “It was something Rae said earlier tonight.”
“Rae,” Georgia scoffed. “What silly teenage nonsense is that girl filling your head with now?” I shot my sister a reproachful look. “What? You know I love Rae like a sister, but that girl doesn't always have her priorities straight.”
“She's seventeen years old, what do you expect?” I said. “Most people don't have clear goals at seventeen the way you did.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Georgia waved my comment away from her. “What's this about being a prude now?”
“Do you think I'm a prude?” I reiterated. I had finally decided that I was ready to hear her answer. I mean, it wasn't a bad thing to be a prude any more than it was bad not to be. It was simply a character trait.
“I guess,” she replied, sounding like it was more of a question than a real answer.
“Uh-huh,” I commented. “You sound really certain about that.”
I couldn't help smiling when my sister looked at me. We both laughed lightly and then Georgia added, “I mean, yeah, but so what? You shouldn't be worrying about sex right now.”
“I'm not!” I jumped to reassure my sister. “I'm not. I just… Should I be telling my friends they're wrong for having sex?”
“Depends,” Georgia answered as she took a gulp of her tea.
“On what?” I wondered.
“A lot of things. How old are these friends we're talking about? Who are they having sex with and what's their relationship statue? Are they using protection? No matter how old you are, you need to be smart.”
“I know,” I responded. “Well, Rae, of course and that guy Alex.”
“The douche bag that just had that party?” Georgia inquired.
“Yes and why do you think he's a douche bag?”
I knew who Alex was, but I didn't know him all that well. We attended the same high school, but seeing as I was only there for a few hours and not all day, I didn't really interact with my peer group as much. Plus boys never seemed overly interested in me either. I knew I wasn't anything spectacular, but I couldn't help thinking my dad and Georgia were somehow to blame. It was common knowledge that a lot of people were afraid of inciting their wrath.
“Alex is my ex-boyfriend, Max's little brother,” she informed me.
“I wasn't aware of that. I didn't think Max had any siblings,” I returned.
“Yeah, well that's because Max lives with their mom and Alex lives with their dad. They're very different people and that's part of the reason they don't live together anymore. Max is more stable and level-headed like their mother and Alex is wilder like their gallivanting father.”
Though Max and Georgia broke up more than a year ago, they remained good friends. They both attended the University as engineering majors, so they shared a lot of classes together. Max and Georgia cared for one another deeply, but they realized that their connection was strictly platonic; they simply made better friends than lovers.
“Hmmm,” I voiced. “Now I feel more concerned.”
“Well, you can't stop Rae from doing whatever Rae's going to do. You can only control your own actions and choices. The best advice I can give you is to just be there for her,” Georgia said matter-of-factly. “We all do stupid shit and things we wish we hadn't. That's okay though; that's how we learn and grow. Just learn the lesson and more on.”
That was something I loved about my older sister. Georgia wasn't one to obsess over things or even over-think them. She was very decisive and focused. If she made a decision to do something that later proved to be a poor choice, she simply corrected what was wrong and moved forward. Though Georgia was goal-oriented and driven, she really lived “in the moment.” That was something she had learned from our dad and something I struggled with.
Our dad always said that, right or wrong, you needed to make a choice and stick to it. He said that indecision could get you killed. Of course, this was a direct reflection of his military training and leadership mind. I could see the practicality of his words and the wisdom they represented, but I just wasn't as good at implementing his direction the way my older sisters could.
I admired the way my family could command their own emotions. Maybe it was because I was still young, but I just didn't seem to have that same ability. I was able to suppress my outward expression of my emotions, but they would plague me in a way that seemed non-existent to the rest. That was why I liked to write; to get the emotions out, allowing me to think more clearly.
“Okay, hit the rack,” my sister ordered as she got up to rinse our tea cups. “It's late and we have an early morning.”
“Thanks, Georgia,” I said hugging her tightly.
My sister expelled a surprised gasp when I crushed her in my arms, but she seemed content. She tried to hug me back without spilling the tea remnants in the cups she held.
“I love you,” I told her boldl
y.
“I love you, too,” she said with a grin.
The next morning, I felt exhausted. I had stayed up late chatting with Georgia despite our plans to get up early. It was worth the sacrifice to have that time with my sister. Besides, talking to her helped to calm me, enabling me to sleep. I realized that Georgia had probably known that would help me and I felt even more appreciation for her.
As usual, our dad and Georgia were out on their morning run together. Mom and Carolina were already showered and dressed for the day. I knew I needed to get into the bathroom before Georgia returned home for her shower. As Carolina and mom went to grab goodies from the garden, I went about my daily routine for personal care.
When I re-entered the kitchen, it was just in time to help finish breakfast. This was always one of my favorite times of the day because it was always the meal in which my entire family came together. We might miss being there for other meals, but breakfast was always a family event.
I helped to wash and prepare the veggies while mom chopped up and fried some bacon. Then, as the bacon bits lay on a plate covered with a paper towel in the efforts to absorb most of the remaining grease, mom scrambled eggs in another pan. When they neared completion, Carolina helped mother add in harbinger-of-spring, watercress, fresh tomatoes, and green onions from the garden while I set the table. As mom finished the egg scramble, adding the bacon back into the mix at the end, Carolina brewed some fresh mint tea.
Georgia had finished showering by the time she joined us at the table and dad had just finished doing weights. I knew he would shower while we cleared breakfast from the kitchen and be ready to head out North by the time we were done. Dad was efficient that way.
I now knew our purpose for heading to the land; not only were we going to check on the property in general, but we were going to work on the big garden. I knew that dad and Georgia would also work in a way to fish as well.
Dad liked to go to the land for many different reasons, but one was that he enjoyed spending the time with us, unplugged from technology and society. Also, he loved to scope out the land to get an idea where to find different fauna or flora for the coming seasons. Plus, dad just liked to fish.
A Ripple of Fear (Fear of Dakota #1) Page 7
