Who We Are

by Nicola Haken

  “I didn’t like seeing him with no hair.” Tyler’s head bowed as I started the engine, so I let the car idle and listened to him talk. “It looks real now, you know? He looks sick.”

  Sighing, I nodded. “You have to remember he’s losing his hair because of the treatment, not the cancer. See it like a symbol of his fight. His hair’s falling out not because he’s sick, but because he’s fighting to get better.”

  “I know.” He nodded quickly, turning his face away from me. I suspected he was crying and didn’t want me to see. “He looks okay though, don’t you think? I don’t know how he’s doing it. How he can smile and joke and stuff. I wouldn’t be that brave. I know I wouldn’t.”

  I didn’t know how he did it either. Day in, day out, I watched the man I loved carry the weight of the world in his hands and make it look like a bundle of feathers. I tried to keep myself strong, ready to catch him when he fell apart, but so far all I’d seen was determination in his dazzling blue eyes.

  Whereas I fell to sleep on a pillow damp with tears every night.

  I was in utter awe of him.

  “He’s incredible,” is all there was to say. “And strong, which is why he’ll beat this.”

  “You think?”

  “I know.”

  He has to.

  * * *

  Twelve days later…

  “My bloods are on the move!” The excitement in Oliver’s voice was wonderful, and I pressed the phone a little harder to my ear. He’d sounded so dejected the last few days, tired of being stuck in hospital, and this was the news we’d all been wishing for when his results came in at ten o’clock each morning. “The doctor said if it carries on I could be home by weekend.”

  “That’s fantastic! Tyler will be thrilled. He texts every day at break time to ask what your results are.”

  “He does?”

  “Of course he does. He misses you.”

  Oliver sighed. “I miss him too. God, I hope I’m home next week, especially being half term. I can spend all week with him. And you, and Scott. I miss all of you.”

  I’d already arranged with Lisa that Scott would be staying with me while the boys were off school for a week. If Oliver were home too, well, that would just be perfect.

  “I’ll be leaving soon. Do you need anything?”

  “Um…” Oliver clicked his tongue. “Nope. I’m good, thanks. Remember if I’m not on the ward when you get here-”

  “I know, Oliver.” I interrupted. His repeat bone marrow biopsy was scheduled for this morning. “As if I could forget something like that.”

  “Just checking,”

  “Are you feeling okay about it?”

  He let out a long breath. “I’m hardly looking forward to it, but it’s gotta be done, right? I’m more nervous about the results next week.”

  Me too. In fact, I wouldn’t have described it as nervous. Fucking petrified seemed more accurate. But Oliver didn’t need to hear that. “No need to be. You’re kicking leukaemia’s arse. I know you are.”

  “Yeah. I-”

  “Put your cock away! You’ve got company!” Benny’s voice boomed through my house, followed by the slam of my front door.

  “Benny?” Oliver asked, dropping whatever he planned to say.

  “Yeah.” Through narrowed eyes, I glared at Benny as he entered my lounge.

  Seeing the phone against my ear, his lips tightened into a firm, guilty line before he muttered, “Oops. My bad.”

  “I’ll let you go,” Oliver said. “See you soon.”

  “Good luck with biopsy. I love you.”

  I wished him luck, but I fully intended to do it again in person before they took him away. I just needed to get rid of Benny first and nip into work to sort out an error on my wage slip on the way. They hadn’t paid me for the days I’d taken off sick before Oliver got his diagnosis and I refused to let it drop. They owed me. I’d never taken a sick day since I’d worked for them, and only one in my whole working life. That was for toothache, and not your regular, feels-a-bit-iffy kinda toothache. I’m talking intense motherfucking pain that I felt all the way down to my toes kinda toothache. I likened it to childbirth, but for the face rather than the southern region. Lisa disagreed, naturally, but she’d always been an argumentative mare. She’d never had root canal treatment, like I did that day, so I didn’t think she was in a position to be able to dismiss my trauma so easily.

  When I ended the call, I continued to give Benny the most intense death-stare I could summon. “That could’ve been the bank, or my mother, or Ty could’ve been here.”

  “You could’ve screamed. Claimed it was a home invasion.” Benny shrugged and plopped himself down on my armchair.

  “A home invasion?”

  “Sure. I could pass as a burglar – come to steal your décor ideas.”

  I wanted to laugh, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction so I rolled my eyes instead. “What do you want, Benny?” I asked as I sat forward on the sofa and began typing out the good news in a text to Tyler. “I need to leave for the hospital soon.”

  “I came to support my best friend in his hour of need. You could at least pretend to be grateful.”

  Great. Now I felt like an arse. I hit send on my text to Tyler, stuffed the phone in my pocket, and offered a guilty smile. “Sorry. Oliver’s got his repeat biopsy today. My head’s all over the place.”

  “What are they hoping to see on that?”

  “No leukaemia cells, hopefully.”

  Benny’s brow furrowed. “So soon? Does it really work that quickly?”

  My lungs deflated slowly, expelling a heavy breath saturated with fear, worry, and…hope. I had to have hope. “The staff at the hospital are so careful with how they word things. They won’t make any promises, understandably. But the sooner he goes into remission the better chance he has of staying that way. His age works in his favour too. They’ve hit him with some really powerful stuff.” I let out another breath, feeling winded at just the thought of what those drugs had done to him, how much he’d changed. On the outside, he was barely recognisable. “So yeah,” I continued, pulling myself together, just like I always did. “We’re hoping the cancerous cells are gone, or there’re at least a lot less of them.”

  “And…if they’re not?”

  “Then we keep going. Either way, he’ll need more chemo. According to the doctor even if there’re no cells showing in his bone marrow it doesn’t mean there aren’t any at all. Blasts, I think he called them?” There were so many words, so much technical jargon, drug names, procedures…I struggled to keep up. “The only way to make sure they get them all and stop them coming back is to carry on with the treatment. He’s got a long few months ahead.”

  “So have you.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not about me.”

  “Of course it is. You’re there to support him, and his brother, but who’s supporting you, Seb?” He got up from the chair and came to sit next to me on the sofa. It was a dangerous move and one I didn’t want him to make. He was too close. I couldn’t handle close. Keeping my distance was the only way I could lock everything inside. “Me, that’s who. But you need to let me. You know, this is the first time you’ve really told me anything. I keep calling and you keep fobbing me off. That’s why I just turned up here. I took the morning off work because I knew you wouldn’t have left yet.”

  “Benny…”

  “I know I’m a bit of a twat. I know I take the piss out of you and I don’t take things seriously, but I can do serious, Seb. I can be there for you just like you were for me when I needed you.”

  “I know you can. Damn, Benny, you’re my best friend. I trust you with my life.”

  “Then why’ve you been keeping me at arm’s length?”

  “Because…” Oh, fuck. My eyes began to sting and I inhaled with a judder. I’d kept it together for so long, for Oliver, for Tyler…and now I was about to lose it and seemingly there was nothing I could do to stop it no matter how much I wanted to
. “Because I’m scared, Benny. I’m so f-fucking scared.” My voice came out so high I barely recognised it as hot tears bubbled over the rims of my eyes.

  “Jesus, Seb…” Benny’s body crashed into mine and he held me tight against his chest. I don’t think I’d ever welcomed anyone’s arms as much as I did in that moment. He cradled me, almost like a child, and I didn’t just let him, I needed him. I needed to get it out, the pain and fear that’d been bottled up since the words, “I think I’m sick,” had trickled from Oliver’s lips. I’d buried it so deep, screwed the lid on so tight, but all the while it’d been fizzing and growing until the cap couldn’t withstand the pressure any longer.

  If I wasn’t so upset, I might’ve been embarrassed about the fact my snot and tears were dripping onto his, probably expensive, shirt. “I’ve been living on autopilot,” I began, keeping my face buried in his shoulder. It felt good to be held. “If I didn’t stop to talk about it, it almost felt like it wasn’t really happening. I…I haven’t given myself time to think about any other outcome than he’s going to get better, until you just asked. I-I can’t think about that. I can’t.”

  Goddammit, I’d become a snotting, spluttering mess. The tears kept falling, my body kept shuddering, and the air felt like it was made of Play-Doh as my lungs struggled to suck in short, shallow breaths.

  “Let it out, mate.” Benny rubbed my back while I continued to sob. I hadn’t cried like this since Scott was hospitalised with meningitis. There’s no greater pain than the fear of losing someone you love, and now I was living it all over again. Funnily enough, it’d been Benny who’d held me then, too, for I had to be strong for Lisa. I’d underestimated him, forgotten what a good friend he was, how important he was to me.

  “You know, a few days ago I told Oliver I had to work. I mean I did work, but they didn’t need me. I just…I just couldn’t face the hospital. I needed the road. I needed to be away from it all for a few hours. Ever since, I’ve felt so damn selfish. I lied to him, Benny. I lied and I left him alone. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.”

  “You need to.” He kept my head pressed to his shoulder, his hand fixed to the back of my head. “It’s okay to need a timeout, to clear your head. Your life’s been turned upside down too. You knew he was safe and being taken care of. You’re the least selfish person I know, so you can cut that crap right now.”

  Maybe he had a point, or maybe I was a terrible person. Either way, I felt like shit about it and vowed never to do it again. Oliver was none the wiser, but I’d always feel like I’d let him down that day.

  “I’m sorry,” I muttered after…I didn’t even know. I could’ve been crying for minutes or hours. I gave Benny a squeeze and pulled back, rubbing my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt.

  “Don’t go there. Hell, you’ve carried me through enough shit over the years. I can’t tell you he’s gonna be okay, Seb, I wish I could, but I can be here if you ever need someone to lose it in front of. You hear me?”

  Smiling weakly, I nodded.

  “Although…” He looked down at his shoulder and scrunched his nose into a ball. “I’m sending you my dry-cleaning bill for this shirt. I can’t believe you snotted all over a £230 Peir Wu.”

  I almost choked to death on my own saliva, though I don’t know why I was surprised. To me, his shirt didn’t look any fancier than my Asda special which I’d snagged for the bargain price of a tenner, but I didn’t argue. I couldn’t be arsed with another of his tirades on quality and detail. He was a snob and a show off. End of story.

  “If you can afford the shirt you can afford to clean it,” I said, grinning. “Ah, dammit. My eyes feel puffy. Oliver’s going to know I’ve been crying.”

  “We can fix that,” he assured, his tone confident as he patted my knee. “You go and get ready and I’ll stick two spoons in the freezer.”

  “How will that help?”

  “Sorry, it’s a secret only available to full-gays. Come back when you’ve stopped ogling breasts.”

  I snickered, and then hated myself for giving him the satisfaction of knowing he’d amused me. I needed to get a move on if I was going to make it to the hospital before Oliver’s biopsy so I didn’t bother summoning a witty comeback, or pretending I was offended like I usually would. Instead, I stood from the sofa and headed for the lounge door, pausing when I reached it to look back at my best friend. “Thanks, Benny. I’m glad you stopped by.”

  Nodding once, he winked, making me smile…really smile. Nothing had changed. We still didn’t know anything. Yet I felt…lighter. Stronger. I guess I did need support after all. Leukaemia wasn’t just trying to take Oliver’s life, but the lives of those who loved him too.

  Fucking cancer.

  * * *

  Like most nights, Tyler and I chilled out in the lounge for a while after visiting Oliver. We’d been working our way through the seasons of Supernatural on Amazon Video, so that played on the TV while we sat together on the sofa, tucking into my mum’s sausage casserole on our laps. Something seemed different tonight, though. Tyler was quieter than usual and he’d barely touched his food, whereas normally he’d have been onto second helpings by now.

  “Are you worried about Oliver?”

  He glanced up at me briefly and then went back to pushing a piece of sausage around his plate with his fork. “No more than usual.”

  Hmm. “Bad day at school?”

  He shrugged. “Not really.”

  Christ, plaiting shit would’ve been easier than getting worries out of a teenager. “Wanna talk about anything?”

  He looked at me like he was considering it for a moment, but then shook his head. “Nope, I’m good.”

  I didn’t believe him, but I had no choice but to accept it, so I switched to Supernatural instead. “So, Dean can’t die, right? He’ll have to get out of the deal somehow.” I wasn’t even just making conversation for the sake of it. I’d become so invested in this show it bordered on unhealthy. We watched it every night and had got through two whole seasons in two weeks. We could’ve done more if real life hadn’t got in the way.

  “Totally. There’s another nine seasons.” Tyler nodded in agreement.

  For a while, we carried on watching in silence. Tyler messed around with his food a little more before giving up and putting his plate on the coffee table, and then I caught him fidgeting with the zip on his hoody, like he was nervous.

  “Hey, Seb?” he asked, his voice uneven as he stared down at his hands.

  “Yeah?”

  “You know like you’re, uh, bisexual and all that?”

  Eyebrows drawn together, I looked at him even though he wouldn’t look at me. “Yes.”

  “Well, uh, how’d you know that?”

  Wow. Um…okay… I certainly wasn’t expecting this conversation tonight, but I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it at all. “I just know. I’ve always known. I like men, I like women, and when it comes to falling in love gender doesn’t come into it for me. Like with Oliver, I fell for his lips first. Then his eyes, then his heart. I love what’s inside. I’ve fallen in love with a soul that just happens to belong to a man.”

  “But…not everyone knows, right? At first I mean. Otherwise you wouldn’t hear stories of people struggling or being confused.”

  Being a father, I’d wondered over the years how I would handle the situation if Scott ever approached me with these kind of questions. I always thought I’d feel a great sense of pressure to provide the right answers, but now it was happening I realised there were no right answers…only honesty.

  “I can’t speak for everyone, Ty. I can only talk from my own experiences, but I think in a lot of cases when people are struggling with their sexuality it’s not so much a case of struggling to realise it, but struggling to accept it. That’s how it was for me anyway.”

  “And…did you do that? Even though you knew, did you struggle?”

  “Yes,” I answered without a breath of hesitation. “Honestly? It’s taken me a long time to fee
l truly comfortable with who I am, and I have your brother to thank for a lot of that.”

  “Olli?”

  “Before I met Oliver I thought I had everything figured out, but I really didn’t. I’d had a few bad experiences and because of those I started closing myself off from people without even realising it. I suppose it became easier to assume the worst of people, assume they wouldn’t accept me so there was no point in trying. It was like my mind’s way of protecting me from rejection. But then Oliver came along and…” I trailed off, my heart aching, lips smiling.

  “And he accepted you.”

  I nodded, still smiling, missing him like crazy. “I actually came out at work for the first time today.”

  Tyler’s eyes widened. “But…I didn’t know it was a secret.” He sounded confused.

  “It wasn’t, as such. My ex was a woman. Well, she is a woman, that came out wrong.”

  Tyler snorted.

  I shrugged one shoulder. “When you’ve been in a ‘straight’ relationship, people just assume. But today someone asked how my partner was doing and instead of answering, ‘Well,’ I said, ‘He’s well.’”

  “Why? Why today?”

  I didn’t need to think about the answer. “Because I love him. Because I’m proud of him and I want the world to know it. Because I’m tired of watching what I say, wondering if I’ve slipped up. Because if Oliver getting sick has taught me anything it’s that life is so short and too damn precious to live it for other people. And, well, because I was ready.”

  “Wow.” Tyler continued to stare at his hands, circling his thumbs around each other. “Thought all that would’ve been over for you now you’re old.”