Who We Are

by Nicola Haken

  “Damn, Olli…” Shifting closer, he draped his arm over my hip, resting a flattened palm against the small of my back. “You’ve made a huge difference in my world. Because of you I’ve learned that it’s not just okay to be who I am, but to be proud of it. No one’s ever loved and accepted me like you have. You see me, all of me, and you don’t care. Or rather you do care. Hell, I’m no good with the wordy crap but you know what I mean.”

  “If you’re talking about you being bi, I never saw that as something to accept. It’s just…you. I’m very proud to have a bi boyfriend, in fact,” I said with an assured grin.

  “Proud? Really?”

  “Sure. Way I see it, you’ve got a wider pool of people to choose from than I have. You’re a good-looking guy with a good job, nice house, stable life. You could have anyone out of all those men and women out there…and yet you chose me.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “You do know it doesn’t work like that, right? Pretty sure we’ve had this conversation about choice…and the whole ‘pool is actually smaller when you take out all the judgemental people’ thing.”

  “Ugh, will you stop? You’re ruining my speech. Just let me feel special. Pretend if you have to.”

  “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m a god and you’re lucky to have me. It really is a chore having to turn down every human I walk past.”

  Chuckling, I punched his shoulder. “Dick.”

  He laughed but then his face turned serious. Snuggling closer, he brushed his nose against mine, staring right into my eyes. “I mean it. My world is a better place for having you in it. You’ve changed my life, Oliver.”

  “Even with all the hard stuff we’ve faced? It’s hardly been a fairy tale so far…” And there it was again. That damn pang of guilt in my stomach. It didn’t matter that, rationally, I knew it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t choose to get sick. But we still hadn’t had the opportunity to develop and enjoy our relationship the way we were supposed to…because of me. We hadn’t spent our first months going on fun dates and having wild sex every time we were together. We’d spent our time in and out of hospital, crying, worrying, wondering if it would all be taken away from us.

  Moving in together hadn’t been about goodbye kisses before work, cooking fancy meals, or having lazy lie-ins on Sundays. Instead, Seb had cleaned my vomit off the bathroom floor, counted out my medications, helped me into bed when it felt like my joints were breaking.

  “I’d rather spend the worst day of my life with you, than the best day with someone else,” he said, brushing my lips with his.

  Kissing him sent blood rushing straight to my cock. I shouldn’t have been aching for him so badly given that we’d only had sex half an hour ago, but after my months of lost libido I seemed to have reverted to being a teenager. Suddenly, everything about intimacy felt new and exciting again. His touch, as his hand smoothed over my stomach and down towards my thigh, was electrifying. His lips on my mouth were soft and gentle. His tongue had never tasted so sweet.

  “Fuck,” I moaned, reaching up to fist his hair, holding his face close to mine as I rubbed my throbbing cock against his.

  Mouths fused together, he grabbed at my shoulders and pulled me with him as he rolled onto his back, letting his legs fall open so I could nestle between them. Releasing his lips, I peppered chaste kisses along his jaw and down his neck while reaching between our bodies to take his cock in my hand.

  “Oh, God…” Tipping his head back, he groaned into the air as I tightened my grip, dragging my fist up and down his shaft. “Fuck, I love you.”

  With a proud grin, I used my free hand to grab a condom from the array already scattered at the bottom of the bed from earlier, before breaking away from him to put it on. I needed him, and I needed him now. We’d taken our time, savoured each other before. Now, I just wanted to fuck him. Hard and fast. Now, I just wanted feel him tighten around me as I came, and as quickly as possible.

  “Turn over,” I said, reaching for the lube and pumping a generous amount of the silky liquid over the tip of my cock.

  Chewing his bottom lip, he raised an eyebrow in excited anticipation before doing exactly as I asked. Damn, what a glorious sight that was. Seb, on all fours, legs wide, staring at me over his shoulder…his pink hole right there waiting for me.

  Hell yes.

  Taking the base of my cock in my hand, I guided the tip towards his hole and massaged the excess lube around his rim and between his firm cheeks, before pushing inside with one harsh thrust.

  “Oh, fuuuuck!” he called out, dropping his head.

  “Feel good?” I asked, my voice strained as I dug my fingers into his hips, drawing back out from his body torturously slowly…before driving back in with a slam. I watched my movements, watched my cock slide in and out of him, because, damn that was hot.

  His hands gripped the sheets beneath him, the muscles in his arms bulging as they supported his weight. “Yes…fuck yes.”

  “Grab your dick, Seb.” My voice came out on a hiss, my hips picking up speed. “I want to feel you come.”

  His chest fell forward onto the mattress, his arse rising further into the air. I moved with him, hitching one of my feet up onto the bed and snaking one of my arms around his waist, holding onto his stomach to gain better leverage. And then, once he’d taken hold of his cock and started tugging, I pounded into him fast, hard, and deep, hitting a part of him that made him cry out with every delicious thrust.

  “Ah, shit…” My palm smoothed up his back, which was slick with beads of sweat, before gripping his shoulder. I couldn’t take my eyes off his face. Cheek to the pillow, he looked utterly breath-taking. Pink heat crept across his forehead as he stared right into my eyes. His top lip was sucked between his teeth, stifling his moans, until the pressure became too much and he yelled, “Oliver! I-I’m gonna…Oh…”

  “That’s it…Oh fuck yeah, that’s it.” I couldn’t see his cock but I felt the moment he came. His hole clenched and pulsated around my dick, sending me tumbling over the edge with one last thrust. “Holy sh-shit…” Knees weak, I slipped in and out of him slowly a couple more times before collapsing on top of him. “That…” The words got lost somewhere between my brain and my lips so I blew out a puff of air instead.

  “That… made us late,” Seb said through a snort of laughter.

  “Worth it though, right?”

  Shuffling out from underneath me, he rolled onto his side, pressing his forehead to mine. “Always.”

  * * *

  Something strange happened to me when we arrived at the bar. My chest felt bizarrely tight and a bout of nausea not dissimilar to the aftereffects of chemo washed over me. I felt…anxious. There were so many people. So much noise. Lights. Music. Laughter. I didn’t belong here. This wasn’t my life.

  Except…this was my life. Before I’d been forced to stop living it I did belong here. These were my people. This was my music. I would be one of the ones laughing with them. The lights would be on me. I’d spent so long living in cancer’s bubble, I’d forgotten what ‘real’ life was like.

  “Hey…” Seb’s hand appeared on my shoulder, making me realise I’d stopped walking once we were inside the bar. “You okay? Do you feel unwell?”

  “I’m fine,” I told him, and I meant it. Once I’d remembered who I was, and how much I loved and missed my old life, I started to feel a little better. “Just feels strange being back here. The last time was when I collapsed on the stage.”

  Damn, I had no idea what lay ahead of me that night. The thought sat heavy in my chest.

  “There’s Benny and Rhys.” Seb nodded to a table off to the left of the bar and I followed his gaze to see Rhys and Benny laughing about something. I’m not sure how they got to know each other or become friends. I’d been too busy fighting for my life to be kept in the loop, but according to Seb they were introduced while Seb was giving Rhys a lift home from the hospital one night and he had to pick Benny up on the way to take him…somewhere. I can’t remember the f
ull story. All I know is now they were buddies, good ones by the look of them tonight.

  Rhys stood from his seat when he saw me approach and raised both hands in the air. “Here she is!” he sang at the top of his voice, and then he gave a silent cue to someone over by the stage.

  At that moment, a furore of claps and cheers erupted through the bar, confusing the hell out of me, until Seb tapped on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, telling me to look at the stage. That’s when I saw a giant banner being rolled down from the ceiling which read, The Slapper’s Back! Welcome Home Miss Tique!

  “Oh my God.” Covering my face with my hands, I groaned. Then I looked at Rhys and gave him a death glare. “What have you done?”

  “We’ve missed you, sweetness! This is your welcome home party, you ungrateful shit.”

  Laughing, my cheeks flush with embarrassment, I shook my head.

  “We’ve had a collection for you, too. Oi! Georgie!” he called, cocking his head towards the bar before sticking his fingers in his mouth and producing a rather impressive wolf whistle. “Grab the tin!”

  “A collection?”

  “Eight hundred smackers comin’ your way, baby.”

  “Eight…eight hundred pound? Y-you’re giving me eight hundred pound?” What the…

  “Not just me. Everyone ‘ere,” he said, motioning his hand around the room. “We’ve been collectin’ all week.”

  Oh, Lord. People were staring at me. Staring and smiling.

  Moments later, Georgie appeared with an old Quality Street tin that rattled when Rhys took it from him. “There you go, gorgeous.” He popped the lid off the tin before handing it to me. “Congrats on stayin’ alive.”

  My jaw dropped, along with my stomach, when I saw the tin filled with notes and coins. “I…I can’t accept this.” I don’t deserve this.

  “If you give it back to ‘em they’ll only spend it on booze, rot their liver and end up in the same boat as you. You’re doin’ ‘em a favour. Right, ladies and gents?” he called to the crowd, who cheered in response.

  I don’t think I’d ever been so embarrassed in my life. Or overwhelmed.

  “Rhys-”

  Leaning in close so only I could hear, Rhys whispered in my ear. “You’re loved, Olli. They wouldn’t have given it if they didn’t want to. It doesn’t take away what you’ve been through, but it’ll help you get back on your feet…or just waste it on havin’ a good fuckin’ time. You’ve earned it.”

  “I…I don’t…” I looked around the bar, taking in some of the smiles and nods. “Thank you.” I nodded individually to as many people as I could. “Thank you, all of you.” Passing the tin to Seb, who looked like he had misty eyes, although it could’ve been an effect of the purple lighting, I turned to Rhys and brought the fantastic bastard in for a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered, squeezing him close to my chest.

  “When’s Miss Tique coming out?” someone yelled from the back of the crowd, making me drop Rhys like a sack of hot shit.

  “Uh…” I looked at Rhys, then at Seb, and then for whoever might’ve asked. I hadn’t given much thought yet to when I’d make my return to the stage, but I definitely hadn’t planned anything for tonight.

  “Miss Tique! Miss Tique!” Others joined in, chanting her name.

  Shit.

  Rhys wiggled his eyebrows, whereas Seb wore a proud grin. At first I thought the strange feeling swimming around in my belly was nerves, that perhaps I wasn’t ready, but the more I thought about it the more I realised it was excitement. God, I missed singing. Dancing. Performing. Showing off. Maybe I wasn’t technically ready. My voice hadn’t been used in a while, I might sound tired and crackly…but that didn’t mean I couldn’t have a barrel full of fun.

  Fun.

  I’d missed fun.

  “What d’ya say, sweetness? You comin’ back stage for a makeover?” Rhys said, cocking his head.

  I turned to Seb for his opinion, and when his lips curled up into a smile so wide it made his eyes crinkle, I started nodding. “She’ll be out in an hour!” I called out to whoever had asked before taking Seb’s face in my hands and pressing my lips to his.

  “Knock ‘em dead, babe,” he breathed against my mouth.

  “Babe?” He’d never called me that before. I kinda liked it. “Are you flirting with me?”

  Twisting his lips into a devilish smirk, he replied, “Is it working?”

  Grinning, I nudged his nose with my own. “Maybe.”

  Ideally, I liked to spend a good few hours bringing Miss Tique to life, but Rhys was a genius so I trusted him to have her looking fabulous within our time restraints. It also helped that I didn’t have much body hair to battle. The dark curls that used to cover my legs were more of a light smatter of fuzz since they had started to grow back after the chemo ended, so a good pair of tights hid that well enough without needing to shave. My favourite wig – the long one with the copper curls, and pink and purple streaks running through it - was still here in the dressing room, displayed on a mannequin with a bag over its head to prevent it from gathering dust, and I had several outfits waiting for me on the portable metal rail, too.

  I went with the mini skirt and fitted jacket ensemble, for no other reason than I remembered Seb’s reaction to seeing me in it. I’ll never forget the way his eyes widened and his mouth fell just slightly open, or the way his gaze didn’t leave my body the entire night…not even after those clothes ended up on the floor of Rhys’ flat. I wondered, after Rhys had finished my make-up and I made my way to the stage, if Seb would remember that night too when he saw my outfit choice.

  The second his eyes found mine from the crowd, sitting at the very same table as that night, I knew he did.

  Right here, right now, we’d travelled back in time. Any pain we’d been through disappeared from existence and our future had begun again. No more hitting pause on my life. This was it. This was my life. I knew who I was now. I was Oliver Clayton – a brother, a partner, a friend.

  The lights flooded the stage and the intro to what I considered the perfect song, Staying Alive by the Bee Gees, started playing and I started clicking my fingers and swishing my hip in time with the rhythm. Then, as I drew in a long breath ready to break into the lyrics, I realised I didn’t need to hide behind Miss Tique anymore…because I was her. I, Oliver, was a fighter too. I had her confidence. I had her strength and courage. I’d always had them, I just needed someone to remind me.

  That someone looked right at me as I sang my song just to him. All the parts of myself I’d thought were lost forever had been hiding in this man all along, waiting for me to find them.

  Sebastian Day, this one’s for you…

  * * *

  The next morning, I pottered around downstairs while I waited for everyone else to wake up. I figured it could take a while, seeing as the lot of them – Rhys, Benny, and Seb too - had drank their body weight in alcohol last night before coming back here and falling into drunken comas. I removed Seb’s shoes and trousers after helping him crawl up the stairs, but Christ knew what state Rhys and Benny were in. I was pretty sure I heard them make it to the lads’ rooms, but whether they managed to haul their arses into the beds was another story altogether.

  To prevent boredom setting in, I tidied up a little, put the Hoover on, cleaned the windows in the kitchen and living room, and as I worked I thought about what I planned to do with the money in the collection tin that currently sat next to the cornflakes in the cereal cupboard. Now I was back working at the salon, though only part time, I thought about buying the scissors I’d been saving for, but then I felt guilty so decided I should wait. I just couldn’t get my head around people giving me their money. I was beyond grateful, truly I was, I simply couldn’t understand why. Seb and Rhys could tell me I was special or that I deserved it until the cows came home but I doubt I’d ever genuinely believe that. I wasn’t special, just a regular guy. I was sure other people deserved it more than I did.

  Maybe I could donate some to
charity, or buy something for Tracy’s grandson. She’d like that, if she could see me from wherever she was now. I liked to think she was hanging out with my mum. They’d like each other, I was sure. I definitely didn’t feel bad about spending some on Tyler, he deserved it, so I planned to kit him out with a new wardrobe. That kid had grown up without all the fancy stuff his friends had and never really complained.

  For now, thinking about it made me feel awkward, so I stopped and decided I’d revisit it another time.

  As I emptied the last clean plate out of the dishwasher, reaching up to stack it on top of the rest in the cupboard, I heard the familiar jingle of Marv’s bell as he pushed himself through the cat flap in the back door. “Hey, buddy,” I greeted, looking down at him when he appeared at my feet, rubbing his head against my leg. “Chase anything good?”

  Of course I didn’t expect him to reply, and I used to think Seb was crazy for talking to him. But, the little guy had a way of drawing you in, making you think of him as part of the family. Bending to scoop him up in my arms, I kissed the top of his head. “Shall we go wake Daddy up?”

  He looked like he didn’t give a shit, so I took that as a yes.

  Marv tucked under one arm, I used my initiative and used my free hand to carry a bottle of water and a box of paracetamol upstairs. I imagined Seb would need them. On the landing, I ran into Rhys, who was stumbling out of Scott’s bedroom –naked, which wasn’t an unusual sight unfortunately – looking very sorry for himself.

  “Those for me?” His voice croaked as he reached out towards the pills in my hand.

  I snatched them away. “No,” I said with a smirk, amused at the fact he looked like he was in fifty different types of pain. Maybe I was an arsehole, but his pain was self-inflicted. “They’re for Seb. But there’re more downst-” I cut myself off when my gaze wandered past Scott’s open door and caught sight of an unconscious Benny, a very naked Benny, specifically Benny’s bare arse, lying on the floor, snuggling up to Scott’s duvet. “Did you…and he…have you…” Jaw smacking my feet, my words fell away.