Hold Me

by Susan Mallery

  She breathed in the warm air and wondered how she’d made such a mess of things. She’d fallen in love with a man who saw her as a project. Even more of a complication, she was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t as if she and Kipling could simply break up. They were going to be connected for the rest of their lives.

  The idea of that was both wonderful and terrifying. If she had to stay in touch with him, how could she ever stop loving him? Because she had to stop. She saw that now.

  All her life she’d been running from exactly what she found herself in now. An emotional mess. She’d been so sure she’d made all the right choices, but she hadn’t made any choices at all. She’d been hiding. From life. From herself. From her heart.

  She arrived at the house just as Starr was walking up to the front door. They waved at each other.

  “How was your day?” Destiny asked.

  “Good.”

  “Any more kissing?”

  Her sister rolled her eyes. “You’re never letting that go, are you?”

  “Probably not.”

  They stepped into the living room and flopped onto the sofa.

  “You’re not the type to kiss just any guy,” Destiny added. “So you must really like Carter.”

  Starr blushed. “I do. He’s so great. I know we’re young, and I don’t want things to get serious, but when I’m around him...”

  “Magic?”

  “Yeah. Just like they talk about in songs. You know, like your feelings for Kipling.”

  Destiny really hoped Starr wasn’t experiencing any of those kinds of feelings.

  “But we’ve talked,” Starr continued. “There’s not going to be any more kissing. We’re going to hang out with friends and stuff. Be together, but not serious.”

  “That’s a really smart decision.”

  “You think? I’m trying. I thought a lot about what you said. About my parents and how they reacted instead of thinking things through.”

  “You still have to have fun,” Destiny told her. “Be a kid.”

  “I know, and I will. Just not so fast with boys. See. I’m learning from you.”

  “You are.”

  But Destiny wondered how much of the lesson was a good thing. Because it seemed to her, she might have gone too far in the sensible direction. It wasn’t as if her personal life had turned out so great.

  Their sensible marriage was no longer so sensible. In fact, in the cold light of day, it was a ridiculous thing to have done. She was intelligent and capable. She could raise a child on her own. Not that she was trying to shut Kipling out or keep him from his baby. But marriage?

  “I want to talk to you about something,” she said.

  “What?”

  “Kipling, mostly.”

  Starr leaned her head against the sofa. “I wondered. He hasn’t been around.”

  “He’s called but I haven’t wanted to talk to him.”

  “Because he hurt your feelings?”

  “Yes, and because I was confused. When I was your age...”

  Destiny wasn’t sure how to explain something that didn’t quite make sense to her.

  “I was determined not to be like my parents. I wanted a stable home. A sure thing. I got that from my Grandma Nell, but when I went out on my own, I was scared. What if I fell crazy in love and ran around the country, singing at honky-tonks and living on a bus?”

  Starr laughed. “That sounds fun.”

  “Not to me. It would have been a nightmare.” She paused, mentally feeling her way as she went. “I was so afraid of what I could become, that I started to ignore who I actually was. It was safe, but now I’m thinking it might not have been the right decision.”

  She smiled at her sister. “I never would have let myself kiss a boy the way you did. I would have been too scared of what would happen. I ran from so many things.”

  “Like your music?” Starr asked softly.

  “Yes. Like my music.” She drew in a breath. “I guess I’m saying I’m a complete and total mess.”

  “You’re not. You’re wonderful. You took me in.”

  “I’m lucky you put up with me. You’re my sister, and I’m so grateful we’re making a life together.”

  “Me, too.” Starr bit her lower lip. “You’re not going to stay married to Kipling, are you?”

  “I don’t think so. We don’t want the same thing. I panicked when I found out I was pregnant. That wasn’t really smart of me. I still want to stay in Fool’s Gold. We’re still going to be a family. Just you and me.”

  “And the baby.” Starr leaned toward her. “I’ll help. I can do things around the house.”

  “Good. One of us should know what she’s doing.”

  Starr laughed.

  “We’ll get a house,” Destiny told her. “One we pick out together.”

  Not the one where she and Kipling made love, she thought. Those were memories she wanted to avoid.

  “Are you going to get another job?” Starr asked tentatively. “Can you work with a baby?”

  A really good question. Income would be required. She didn’t doubt that Kipling would offer to pay child support, but that was money she would want to put away. In the meantime, she was perfectly capable and had a unique skill set.

  “My mom’s manager has always told me he wants to put me to work writing songs. I’m going to call him and find out if he’s telling the truth.” She touched Starr’s arm. “In fact, I was thinking of going through what I have after dinner. Want to help me with that?”

  Starr’s eyes widened. “Yeah. I’d love to.”

  “Good. Let’s check out what’s thawing in the refrigerator.”

  They rose, and Destiny led the way into the kitchen. But her mind was on the notebooks she’d stored in a box in her dresser. Notebooks filled with dozens of songs she’d written over the years. There were a few that would make beautiful duets. There might very well be some interest in a release sung by the daughters of Jimmy Don Mills.

  She wasn’t willing to go on tour or anything like that, but maybe a studio album wasn’t out of the question.

  “What’s so funny?” Starr asked. “You’re smiling.”

  “Am I? I was just thinking that life is nothing if not ironic. I’ve spent years running away from who I am only to find out that’s the person I need to be.”

  * * *

  FOR A WOMAN who owned a business smack in the middle of town, Jo Trellis was a difficult person to find. Kipling had been to her bar three times, left voice mail and texts, and he’d yet to connect with her. From what he could tell, she was avoiding him. Which seemed to be popular these days. Destiny was avoiding him, too.

  This was not how he’d planned to spend the first couple of weeks of his marriage. Those nights had been so promising, he thought grimly, as he walked toward Destiny’s house. They’d been all over each other. But more exciting than the physical chemistry had been how much they’d enjoyed each other’s company. Or at least he’d enjoyed hers. By the way she was avoiding him, Destiny hadn’t felt the same connection.

  What he didn’t get was how it had all gone to hell so quickly. One minute they were promising until death they did part, and the next he couldn’t get her on the phone.

  He knew the exact moment everything had changed with Destiny. It had happened after the incident with Starr and Carter. But the real trouble with everything else had begun long before that. That much he knew. But the exact when of it was more confusing.

  He walked through the center of town. The Fourth of July festival was in full swing with booths and crafts and live music in the park. There was going to be a parade later, and fireworks. Normally, he found that kind of thing a lot of fun. But not today. Today he needed to see Destiny, and he had to figure out why he was so unsettled.

  The Man Cave was part of the problem. If he couldn’t fix things with Jo and his partners, then the bar wouldn’t survive. Nick had shown him the books. Kipling had seen right away that while the bar could limp along for a few
months, the end was inevitable. Without local support, they were doomed.

  It wasn’t the failure of the business that got to him, he thought. It was what that failure meant. Because The Man Cave had been his way of fitting in. Of giving back. And he’d screwed it up royally.

  He paused by Brew-haha and looked toward the park. Even though it was still morning, there were crowds everywhere. The sun was warm, the sky blue.

  Little more than a year ago he’d been skiing down a mountain in New Zealand, preparing to start serious training. He’d been fresh off his Olympic win and totally unstoppable. Or so he’d thought.

  After the crash, he’d been more worried about whether he would walk again than thinking about the end of his career. Then Mayor Marsha had shown up, out of nowhere. She’d offered him a job and had promised to take care of Shelby.

  He still remembered how he hadn’t believed her. How he’d promised to follow her to hell if she would protect his sister. He still remembered exactly what she’d said.

  “You don’t have to be alone in this, Kipling. Nor do you have to go all the way to hell. Just come to Fool’s Gold when you’re able. We’ll be waiting for you.”

  She had kept her word. He knew now that Ford Hendrix and Angel Whittaker had flown to Colorado that very day. When Shelby’s mother had died, they’d brought Shelby to Fool’s Gold. Kipling had followed when he was able. In January, he’d accepted the job as the head of HERO.

  When he’d realized there wasn’t a place for guys to hang out, he’d thought of The Man Cave. He’d gotten several business partners together, and they’d hired Nick.

  He’d been so sure it was the right thing to do. It fixed a problem. He wanted to say it was the same with Destiny, only it wasn’t. Because she was more important than all the rest of them put together.

  He turned away from the park and walked the last couple of blocks to her house. When her door opened and he saw her, his whole body relaxed. Being with her was right.

  “Hey,” he said with a smile. “I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

  “I’m glad you came by.”

  She had on cut-off jeans and a T-shirt. Her hair was back in a ponytail, and she was barefoot. Not overtly sexy, but she sure got to him.

  He wanted to pull her close and kiss her. He wanted to do other things, too, but mostly he wanted to hold her. They sat on the sofa, facing each other. She looked good, he thought. Maybe a little tired, but all her.

  His gaze dropped to the ring on her finger. The simple gold band looked lonely. He wanted to add a nice engagement ring. A sparkly diamond. Sure it was traditional, but he was mostly a traditional kind of guy.

  “I’ve missed you,” he told her. “Is everything okay with Starr?”

  She nodded. “We’re getting along well. We’re sorting through songs I’ve written. My mom’s manager is going to fly in next week to talk about the music.”

  “Good for you. You’re too talented to ignore your abilities. How are you feeling?”

  “Fine. I have a gynecologist appointment next week.”

  “With Dr. Galloway?” he asked, hoping the answer was no.

  “How did you know?”

  He shrugged. “I’ve met her.” There was no need to go into the “flowering” conversation with Destiny. “Can I come with you?”

  She nodded. “I want you to be as much a part of me being pregnant as you’d like.”

  It struck him that everything about this was wrong. They were married. They should be holding each other and heading to the bedroom to make love. Their conversation should be easy and natural—not stilted and informational. This was Destiny—they knew each other. Only right now it felt as if they were strangers.

  “What’s going on?” he asked. “You wanted time, so I gave it to you. Should I have pushed harder to talk to you?”

  “No. You did the right thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about everything.” She looked at him. “Kipling, I love you.”

  His first reaction was to jump up and yell the happy news as loud as he could. Destiny loved him. Destiny, who was kind and funny and sexy and determined. His second thought was that if she loved him, she would need so much more than he had to offer. He’d been unable to protect his own sister from his father’s fists. How could he protect anyone else? Especially Destiny?

  “I didn’t expect it, either,” she said wryly. “I had no idea. I’ve tried to be rational and calm in every situation. But that’s not who I am. I don’t have an answer to the nurture-nature question, but what I do know is that I can’t pretend anymore. I can get a little crazy. Maybe I don’t throw plates, but I’m not as rational as you think. I feel things. Deeply. And I’m not going to deny that anymore.”

  “I like that you feel things.”

  She smiled. “Good. Because we’re having a baby together. We have a lot to work out.”

  He reached for her hands. “I want that. I want us to be a family, Destiny. I meant my vows. I’m in this for the long haul.”

  Her smile faded. “I believe you because me being pregnant is yet another problem for you to handle.”

  The unfair statement had him hanging on tighter. “It’s more than that.”

  “I don’t think it is. You don’t love me back. It’s okay. You don’t have to. You like me, and we’re friends, and I’ve seen how you take care of your sister. You’ll be a good dad. Like I said before, I want you to be as much a part of my pregnancy as you want. I won’t shut you out, but I won’t be married to you. Not like this. I don’t need fixing. I need to be loved, and you can’t or won’t.” She squeezed his fingers before releasing them.

  “Kipling, I want a divorce.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “YOU OKAY?” CASSIDY ASKED.

  No. I’m pregnant, getting a divorce, responsible for my teenage sister and I’m quitting my job in two weeks. Destiny told herself to breathe then smile. The phrase fake it until you make it had never sounded so right.

  “I’m fine. Ready to get hiking.”

  She and Cassidy were heading out to map the last few areas on the grid. They’d already divided up the map. She figured each of the sections could be completed in less than a day. If everything went well, they would be done by the end of the week.

  It was the Saturday of the July Fourth weekend, but neither she nor Cassidy had any reason not to work. Starr was with friends, and Destiny had no desire to sit home alone. Cassidy’s husband was half a world away. Mapping the grid was a perfect solution.

  “Radio in every couple of hours,” Cassidy said as she collected her backpack. “I’ll do the same.” She grinned. “It would be humiliating for one of us to get lost.”

  “Tell me about it.” Destiny picked up her own gear, and they headed for the door.

  The timing of the work was perfect, she thought as she drove out of town. With everything going on, a few hours in nature were just what she needed to clear her head. She could enter data into the program and have a good cry at the same time. Because the tears were inevitable.

  She could accept loving Kipling. She could accept that he didn’t love her back. She was totally rational about the whole thing. The problem was, the news devastated her.

  Until she’d told him she wanted a divorce, she hadn’t realized how much she was hoping he was secretly in love with her, too. That he would turn to her, confess his feelings, and they would live happily ever after. But that hadn’t happened. She’d said she wanted a divorce; Kipling had nodded once, said he would get his lawyer on that, and he’d left. There’d been no conversation, no whisper of emotion. Nothing. A big, fat nothing.

  While she knew that staying married was a mistake, she couldn’t help wishing that things had ended differently. After all those years of avoiding strong feelings, she’d finally gone and fallen in love, only to end up in an emotional face-plant. So much for acting rationally.

  She pulled off the highway and into a rest area then consulted her map. When she’d confirmed she was where she was supposed
to be, she got out and shrugged into her backpack then turned on the GPS tracker, along with her other equipment, and headed for the forest.

  Time would heal, she reminded herself. She had a wonderful family and a baby on the way. Later, she would call her mother and tell Lacey that her wish for a grandbaby had been granted. This weekend she and Starr would continue to sort through Destiny’s songs and pick the best twenty or so to play for her mom’s manager. She would buy a house and get on with her life.

  She had people who cared about her. She had good friends and lots of support. What she didn’t have was the love of the man who had claimed her heart. That hurt, but she would survive.

  For years Grandma Nell had been the benchmark by which she measured her actions. Would Grandma Nell do that? Would Grandma Nell be proud? While Destiny loved her grandmother, she knew she had to shift her thinking. Making Grandma Nell proud wasn’t the point anymore. Now she had to learn to be proud of herself.

  * * *

  SKIING SEVENTY MILES an hour into a tree broke more bones than Destiny walking out on him, but being without her hurt a whole lot more. Kipling still couldn’t figure out what to do with the information she’d clobbered him with before she’d left.

  She loved him, and she was gone. Just like that. I love you. I want a divorce. It was the end of a bad movie. It was so extreme as to be ridiculous. But he wasn’t laughing. Or sleeping or eating. In fact, it was all he could do to keep breathing.

  It hurt. More than anything ever had. He who had always believed that the words didn’t matter—that only actions matter—had been ripped open by what he’d been told. Words killed, he thought grimly.

  Just as bad, she was gone. Oh, sure, he would see her. They were having a kid together, and he knew that whatever happened between the two of them, she would never try to cut him out of his child’s life. But he didn’t want to be a part-time dad. He wanted to be a family. With her.

  He started out of his rental to tell her just that, only to stop by the front door and turn around. What was he to say to convince her not to divorce him? He wanted them to stay married. He wanted to live with her and have his child with her. He thought he’d shown her how much he cared by his actions. He’d been there for her, had taken care of her.