No Tears for the Clown

by Les Dawson

  Les Dawson was one of Britain’s finest and best-loved comedians. He wrote twelve books, which range from comic novels and joke books to travel and fiction.

  Until his sudden death in June, 1993, he lived in Lytham St Annes, Lancashire, with his wife Tracy. Between them they had five children from previous marriages and in 1992, to their delight, Tracy gave birth to a baby daughter.

  Copyright

  * * *

  First published in Great Britain in 1992 by

  Robson Books Ltd

  This electronic edition first published in 2013 by

  Michael O’Mara Books Limited

  9 Lion Yard

  Tremadoc Road

  London SW4 7NQ

  Copyright © 1992, 2013 Les Dawson

  All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  ISBN: 978-1-78243-189-3 in ebook format

  Cover design by Greg Stevenson using the original image

  Twitter @OMaraBooks

  www.mombooks.com

  I dedicate this book to Poo, for chasing away the shadows and letting me live again; and to all our friends who encouraged our love.

  A note to the reader

  * * *

  I have quite purposely omitted to include dates pertaining to events because I didn’t want my autobiography to read like a diary. I wanted to convey an impression of my life rather than a blow by blow account; I felt that the reader and I should relive its ups and downs in a series of word pictures.

  I lived with the knowledge that a loved one was going to die, and when death took the loved one away from me, I saw my life as an arid stretch of loneliness and empty days. Instead, somehow, love came into my existence and I hope to pass on the joy that was wrought in my soul. So I beg of you, look upon this little offering as a sort of good-natured ramble through some passionate years.

  It may very well be that I have not described the things that happened in strict chronological order; it doesn’t matter: the happenings were experienced, and that is what it is all about is it not?

  Les Dawson

  No Tears for

  the Clown

  Contents

  * * *

  Title Page

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Dedication

  A note to the reader

  Prelude

  Reflections

  Tears in the Laughter

  Tracy

  Love Under Scrutiny

  When the Laughter had to Stop

  For Better or for Worse!

  Uphill and Downhill

  Quo Vadis, Clown?

  A Promise of a Little Sunshine

  Plate Section

  Prelude

  * * *

  I genuinely believed that when my autobiography, A Clown Too Many, was published in the mid nineteen eighties, it would be the only book about my life, but so many things have happened since then that people have urged me to write another volume chronicling events that have been both comic and tragic.

  I was very moved by the sentiments expressed by so many folk who had read A Clown Too Many, and it was rewarding for me to realise that the public in general appreciated the fact that I was simply an ordinary little chap who happened to be an entertainer, and enjoyed being just that.

  Like so many others, I have discovered that the older I get, the less I know. I don’t know why there is so much pain and heartache in our lives.… Like many others I question the existence of God, then I look at the vast cathedral of a night sky and I have to admit to a grudging acknowledgement of a power far greater than anything Man has created. Does Mankind possess twin souls? One that caters to a dark, cruel, demonic nature, and one that is nourished on compassion and kindness?

  My own sojourn in this vale of tears only strengthens my belief in love and friendship as spiritual bed-fellows.… To win the love of a child, to earn the enthusiastic approbation of an audience that is warm and friendly and holds you in a cocoon of intimacy – these are to experience a great joy. To love a woman and to be loved by her in return, makes a man rich beyond the dreams of avarice. These are old concepts, I know, but the truth of them becomes very clear when an individual is faced with adversity.

  It is the unseen things that cause humanity the most pain: the insincerity of politics; the cant of religious bigotry and plain human jealousy that begins in the philosophy of desire.

  Since we humans first plodded out from the primordial swamps and stood upright to pee, we have done our damnedest to make life difficult for ourselves – and that statement doesn’t include trying to kill each other off on a wholesale basis. It speaks well, therefore, for the human spirit, that we have not only managed to survive, but have even found the ability to laugh at ourselves in spite of our self-inflicted wounds. Our society today is a most cynical one. It’s my honest belief that if Christ came amongst us tomorrow, he’d be put on television and be offered a job as a game-show host. I fear that once we lose that ability to laugh at ourselves we are on a slippery slope indeed.

  In this, the second volume of my autobiography, I have put on paper the truth of things, and I have pulled no punches. Despite a lot of kicks, Life has been good to me, and I’d like to be around to see Part Three published. I suppose a fitting epitaph for my last resting place would read: ‘Well, what was life but a theme for quips?’

  Reflections

  * * *

  He felt good, and the only burning necessity at that moment was to clamber out of the car after the three-hour drive through the hell of a motorway jam, and sprint into the loo to relieve a swollen bladder.

  He stood before the lavatory bowl and waited for the water to cascade. It didn’t, and a pain shot across his kidneys. Three times that night he attempted to relieve himself, and finally a feeble trickle roused itself into a stream and the pain subsided.

  He didn’t think much about it – it was probably a chill on the kidneys. He felt fit enough; capable of doing twice-nightly variety shows then drinking heavily, which he did sometimes in a stupid attempt to momentarily forget that his wife had cancer.… No, he was in fine fettle all right.

  The following day he went off to play golf in a charity competition to raise money for handicapped children. He played lousily but enjoyed the game, and in the bar he drank two pints of lager with his crony, Richard Gill.

  He trotted off to the gents and found he couldn’t pass water and the pain came back.

  He drove home and his distended abdomen made breathing difficult. The pain in his back became intolerable as the afternoon changed into the shades of early evening.

  He tried a hot bath, but to no avail; by now he felt faint with the fire in his kidneys and he crawled on all fours to the downstairs telephone. His wife was asleep in her sick bed, his daughter, Julie, had gone for groceries and his other children, Stuart and Pamela, were with friends down the road.

  The starched voice of the doctor’s receptionist, in response to his plea for help, asked him if he could call at the surgery? He answered back angrily as the pain knifed through him.… Finally the doctor arrived. After an internal probe, he told the sufferer that his prostate gland wasn’t functioning any more and there and then made arrangements for him to be taken into the Preston Hospital to have the defunct prostate removed.

 
Dr Bob Thompson operated – all was well: he was satisfied that the gland was not malignant. Gone now the pain, and the man felt at ease despite the catheter at his side.

  Release date loomed: the man’s family brought his clothes – all augured well. Suddenly he began to shiver violently and his vision faltered. A nurse ran to his side – she paled and pressed a bell for assistance – now he felt hands hoisting him on to a trolley – lights on the ceiling were flashing by in quick succession – voices clamouring – someone pushing needles into him.…

  He heard someone shout, ‘He’s got blood poisoning.’ Noise, noise, more hands guiding him into a bed and more attempts to push a needle into him.

  He raved and mouthed oaths; his body shook and spittle ran down the corners of his mouth.

  He slept. He awoke with a burning thirst; some Samaritan wiped his cracked lips with water.…

  For four nights he hovered on the edge of death. It would be a long time before he forgot the events of 1985.

  * * *

  The doctor came and went after reassuring me that the poisons had been eliminated from my blood and that I was now starting to mend. Frankly, I felt his words lacked conviction and I wondered if he had a commission rate going with an undertaker. I looked lousy and I felt lousy and I was feeling very sorry for myself into the bargain.

  The operation on my prostate gland seemingly had gone awry, and the good medics at Preston had snatched me from the waiting arms of the Grim Reaper. After four days in the intensive care unit, the healing fraternity had chortled with triumph and carted me back to the ward proper. I don’t recall if I was a good patient or not, but as my friend Gilly wheeled me out of the hospital, the entire staff waved their arms vigorously – I thought this was nice until I noticed that they all had their fists clenched. I do confess to being slightly perturbed when I discovered that the braking system on the wheelchair had been tampered with, but I put that down to National Health inefficiency.

  Now at last I was back home, lying in bed and making rude gestures to the rear of the disappearing doctor. At my side, Meg, my wife of twenty-five years, stirred to wakefulness and my self-pitying interlude was over, for my wife had cancer of the spine and pain was her constant companion.

  I ended Book One of my autobiography, A Clown Too Many, with these words: ‘Meg turned to me: “Look at us,” she said with a wan smile. “A pair of crocks.” I kissed her, held her close and said, “Sweetheart, we’ll beat ’em yet.” And you know something? We will.’

  Brave words, but Fate had other plans.

  Our elder daughter, Julie, who is a nurse, had come home from the University Hospital in Nottingham to look after her mother. Now the poor lass had two sick people to worry about. She was still a student nurse but she looked every inch a pro as she deftly cared for us – not bad for a girl of nineteen.

  I felt so weak and tearful. The slightest kindness brought a lump to my throat. I looked a mess: my eyes were inside dark tunnels and I badly needed a shave. I was thin and brimming with self-pity. The hospital food had made me retch, and now all I wanted to do was sleep.

  Slowly I built my health back up – much, I suspect, to the chagrin of certain tabloid reporters who had virtually camped outside the hospital waiting for the announcement that I had shuffled off the mortal coil. One enterprising hack even sent me a note after my discharge from the Preston hospital. It read quite pithily: ‘You ruined my headline: “Eric Morecambe … Tommy Cooper … now Les Dawson: the last of the comic dinosaurs”.’

  Despite everything, I had to laugh! That’s the sort of tacky, so-called journalism that I find offensive, and that brings British newspaper reporting into disrepute.

  Julie spoiled Meg and me something awful … but it was awfully nice! Meg’s spirits were something to be admired, although it was so apparent that she was in pain.

  As the weeks progressed, my weight increased and the skeletal appearance gave way to the old fat-faced clown with looks that could stop Big Ben, let alone an ordinary clock. I was getting restless as well. Meg wasn’t showing any improvement whatsoever despite the fine treatment she’d received, and I needed to work again … and fast. The Inland Revenue still want their dues; the building society still needs to be nourished, and the bills still have to be paid, because they, like the tax and the mortgage, are no respecters of illness and misfortune. Many people must think: ‘What’s he on about? He’s all right, makes a fortune on the box.’ Crap. If I was a millionaire, my friends, I wouldn’t be away from home in digs knocking myself out twice daily in summer seasons and pantomimes.

  It was time to take my wife to Christie’s Hospital in Manchester, possibly the finest cancer unit in the world. Despite the daily parade of pain and sadness and futility, the staff there meet you with a smile, gentle reassurance and friendliness. As we waited for the specialists, we looked around at the other patients who were suffering this most dreaded of all ills. Cancer knows no class, no age group, it just destroys all in its path.

  Meg’s turn came and we sat down in the specialist’s room. Whilst he examined my wife I made small talk with the nurse and even managed to raise a smile or two. We needed a laugh.…

  Two years previously, it had looked as if Meg’s operation for a mastectomy had been fully successful. The surgeon who performed it at Victoria Hospital in Blackpool had been highly satisfied with the result and life seemed rosy again. But then it had happened. Six months later Meg had slipped and fallen heavily in St Anne’s Square. She recovered all right from the fall, and all seemed well … we didn’t know that the cancer had flared up again in her spine.

  She began to have a great deal of pain down her left leg and I took her to our local GP, who packed us off to our cottage hospital in Lytham for an X-ray.

  As a result of the X-ray sciatica was diagnosed, and she was treated for this complaint; then, a little while later, we were informed that the wrong X-ray had been looked at. Another eminent specialist at Christie’s examined her and more X-rays were taken. Whilst awaiting these new findings I cracked gags about hospitals and Meg looked radiant and I thought smugly: ‘She’s going to be OK.…’

  The receptionist took Meg off for a cup of tea whilst I went to spend a penny. On the way back I inadvertently wandered into another room, just in time to see the specialist gazing intently at Meg’s X-rays. He was unaware of my presence, so had no reason to disguise the sad shake of his head or to alter the expression of futility so patently on his face. I couldn’t breathe … I wanted to shout out to him: ‘What have you seen in those damned pictures?’ But of course I didn’t. Instead I tiptoed out and found the room I’d been sitting in before.

  I tried to focus on a magazine but my eyes were blurred with tears. I knew with a sickening certainty that the cancer had spread and that she was going to die.… My heart beat a maddened tattoo and my mouth was dry. I was barely aware that Meg had re-entered the room. She looked bright and happy.… What’s that she’s saying? Why is the receptionist laughing, and why is the specialist lying?

  My head was swimming. I had to get out into the fresh air, to be amongst people who hadn’t got cancer.… I lit up a cigarette and plunged into a trough of self-pity. Yes, I was thinking of myself, because my mind refused to believe that my partner of nearly twenty-five years was going to leave me alone. I finally pulled myself together. As I waved goodbye to the staff who came to see us off, I caught the eye of the specialist, and I knew that he was aware that the truth was now shared.

  Time does indeed dull pain, as the days lengthened into weeks I began to see things more optimistically. Although Meg was now able to get about only with the aid of a stick, she seemed stronger, and life with the family resumed a nearly normal pattern. Illness can sometimes breach the family bond and create suspicion and mistrust, even to provoke a flare-up of deep-rooted enmities. Meg’s illness, however, created a close feeling of unity with the children and myself and the in-laws. I was the only one who knew the absolute truth: Meg and everyone else thought it was sci
atica, and so I could pretend to my heart’s delight that all was well. Joke followed joke, antic pursued antic. We Dawsons acted the fool and I was the prime clown.

  I made excuses for not working and lied to my back teeth to prevent Meg guessing the truth. Each morning, noon and night was a bonus; we surrounded Meg with love and affection, and I like to think that she went to God without knowing about her cancer. Our kids were wonderful, just by being themselves and treating life normally. Our pretend world became a reality. Stuart went to his karate lessons, Pamela did her homework and Julie hopped between her training hospital and home. I began to feel that all would be well.

  I took Meg every week for a chat and check-up, and even the specialist appeared optimistic.

  I begged my agents to get the BBC to restart the postponed series of Blankety Blank; apart from feeling the pinch I needed to get to grips with an audience again, and a month later I hosted the first show in the new series. It gave me the chance, although somewhat belatedly, to thank all the thousands of people who had taken the trouble to write to me whilst I had been incarcerated in hospital. Predictably, all the opening patter had to do with hospitals:

  ‘I’ve just come out of hospital … hospital, that’s an abattoir with splints.’

  ‘I had a really old-fashioned doctor, when he lanced a boil he did it on horseback.’

  ‘They sat me on so many bedpans my bum had metal fatigue.’

  ‘I wasn’t allowed to smoke but I did until one morning I was summoned into the matron’s office. Thinking quickly I shoved the packet of fags under my left armpit, and my lighter under my right armpit. The matron lifted both arms and confiscated them both. “Right, bend down,” she said. “Blimey,” I shouted, “don’t tell me you want my chewing gum as well.”’