He had always assumed, like most people, that Carl and Leigh would end up together.
But fate had intervened, and everything had changed.
The question was, what was he going to do about it?
*****
“Thanks, Harrison. You made that entire thing bearable,” said Leigh, with a smile, as they drove up to her place.
Her and Carl’s place, Harrison still tried to remind himself. He shouldn’t get ahead of himself.
But spending more time with Leigh would be a guaranteed way to not be bored anymore. Leigh was never boring.
“My pleasure, Leigh. Call me if you need anything at all. Promise me you will. I know you’re independent and stubborn and I wouldn’t want you to be any other way. But if you need anything, reaching out for it isn’t a weakness. Remember that, will you? At least until Emily gets back.”
Leigh smiled and cupped his face with her hands.
She knew he meant it, and she knew he was right. She didn’t need to pretend to be anything she was not, not with Harrison.
He always understood.
“I know. I will. Thank you, Harrison.”
It felt like a moment to Harrison, but he didn’t see anything other than affection in Leigh’s eyes. He was tempted to turn his face into her hand and kiss the palm of it, but he knew he couldn’t.
He couldn’t have prepared for the insistence of that impulse, though. It was a real, physical effort not to do it.
“Good night, Leigh,” murmured Harrison.
Leigh smiled, nodded, and turned to open the car door and leave.
She paused and turned back to look at him over her shoulder after opening the door.
“I’m really glad you were there, Harrison. Don’t wait for us to run into each other again. I missed you.”
And with that, she was gone, leaving Harrison a churning mess of questions and feelings he wasn’t supposed to have.
*****
Leigh walked up the stairs, and her resolve hardened with every step. She could feel that lightness she had found with Harrison, even while talking about such heart-wrenching things, leaving her. Her heart got heavier and heavier as she got closer and closer to the place she had assumed was really home.
It had been home. For a long time, it really had been home.
But it wasn’t any longer. A place you avoided, where you dreaded spending time, couldn’t be home.
She hesitated in front of the door. She knew what she had to do. But she had no idea how to do it.
How do you tell the man you’d assumed you’d spend the rest of your life with that it’s over?
But what choice did she have? She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with somebody who couldn’t understand her reasons or her priorities. She suddenly realized that she didn’t even want to spend another night with him.
Resolutely, she slid her key into the lock, turned, and opened the door.
By the dim light of the lamp she had always loved, she saw that Carl was sleeping on the couch beside it. Not only was he asleep, the remains of his dinner were strewn all over the table and the rug.
She felt annoyance and irritation rising. She walked to the kitchen and saw that it was just as much a mess as everything else.
Why was she the one who did most of the chores? She suddenly resented him for how much he had taken her for granted, without giving her much in return.
She was beginning to see that it was a very unequal relationship.
But waking him up for a fight seemed silly. At least she would have the bedroom to herself if he was asleep on the couch.
And there was no way she was going to clean up after him this time. He could deal with it himself.
She walked to the bedroom and undressed, slipped into her favorite, comfortable, rather tattered robe. She needed a hot shower to help her sleep, or her mind would keep going around and around in circles, keeping her up.
By the time she’d dried herself, she felt better – more relaxed, a bit calmer.
But when she came back to the bedroom, Carl was sitting there, that petulant look on his face.
“You’re home,” said Carl, and there was resentment in his voice.
“Yes,” she said, shortly.
She looked out the door and towards the living room, and saw that none of the mess had been cleared up. Apparently he had ordered pizza and there were a couple of slices left. He’d had half a packet of wafers, which was open and spilling out onto the coffee table.
The beer bottles – three, she saw – were also strewn around.
“Where were you for so long?”
Leigh shrugged.
“I told you, there was a benefit. An event. I had to be there.”
“Did you have to stay so long?”
She looked at him sharply.
“Why not?”
“You have time to go for benefits, but you can’t take a year off to come traveling with me. To make our dreams come true.”
Leigh was astonished at the selfishness evident in his words. She was no longer very sure that it had ever been their dream. Maybe it had always been his dream, and she had just wanted to make him happy, as she always had.
But had he ever really cared about her dreams? Leigh was beginning to wonder. This was the first time their plans had really clashed. Until then, she had always made her plans keeping what was important to him in mind.
But he had never really done that for her, had he? He had always made his plans under the assumption that she would fall in line.
Because of course she would.
“We’ve been through and over and under this a million times, Carl. I can’t take a year off. I’ve offered compromises, but you want what you want, and you won’t give an inch. I can’t take a year off because it would set me back many years. I could go to the benefit because it was just one evening, and it was for work. To be completely frank, Carl, it was a chance to get away from this bickering. I’m at a point where I’ll take any such chance because it’s draining me completely.”
Her words weren’t angry. They were flat, almost monotone. It was as if all the passion had drained out of her, and she felt empty.
She didn’t like the person she was becoming. If Carl cared, he would see that.
“You’re being very selfish, Leigh.”
That, she thought, was the last straw. She felt as if something clicked inside her brain, and she just realized how one-sided that relationship had become.
It hadn’t always been like that. At least, she hoped it hadn’t. If she had given him such unrealistic expectations that he expected her to give up so many opportunities for his dream, then that was her fault. She had given an inch far too many times and he had become quite entitled to taking a mile.
Well, it was going to stop now. He could either deal with it and they could find a new and more realistic understanding, or they could both move on.
Because it was obvious to her, now, finally, that things couldn’t go on like this.
“No, Carl. I’m being honest, and I’m being realistic. I cannot do this. You either need to accept that and stop fighting, or come up with a compromise that we can talk about. If we keep having this fight over and over again, I’m leaving.”
And that, thought Leigh, was that.
Chapter 4
“What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
Carl really looked like she had said something he simply couldn’t comprehend. If she hadn’t been so exhausted, it might even have been funny.
It dawned on Leigh that he had never even considered that she would say that. He’d taken her for granted for so long that he’d assumed he’d just need to wear her down, and he could have his way as usual.
Well, wasn’t that a sad reflection on their relationship, thought Leigh sadly. She sat down next to him, hoping against hope that maybe they could work it out and start anew, have a more equal relationship.
But somewhere deep inside her, she knew that that was just foolish ho
pe. That wouldn’t happen.
Still, she had to try. She had given him years. How could she give up without trying one last time?
“Carl, surely you can see that this is affecting me? It’s affecting our relationship, and me individually. I’ve offered whatever compromise I could think of, but nothing seems to be enough. You want what you want, and that’s it. I can’t give you what you want, Carl. There’s no point asking me, haranguing me over and over again like this. It’s exhausting me. It’s driving me away, both from home and from you. I came home today, tired, and I saw the living room and kitchen in that state, with you seemingly oblivious of it. I was already annoyed about that. But I just wanted to take a shower and get some sleep. And yet, here you are, ignoring how I feel, going on about this again. It didn’t even occur to you to clean up after yourself, you’re so sure I’d do it. It doesn’t even occur to you that I might leave if you make me unhappy enough.”
Carl looked shocked, still, but now she saw the stubborn belligerence, too.
“You don’t care about our plans. We had plans. Now you only care about yours.”
Leigh was so frustrated that she could’ve screamed. She tried to be calm and rational, because how else could you deal with such petulance?
“Carl, I’m beginning to realize that you had plans and I always went along with them. When you’re so excited about something, I go along with it because you’re happy with it. But now that I need something different, you won’t give an inch. You won’t budge, not even a little bit. I can’t give you what you want this time, and these fights are draining me. I can’t keep doing this, Carl. Please, don’t make me keep doing this.”
He changed tack immediately, and this time, Leigh saw the slyness behind it.
“You sound like you really do need a break, you know. Maybe what you need is to take some time off and come with me. We could have fun, Leigh. We’d have so many experiences, do so many things. Meet so many people! Think of how much fun it will be. Imagine it!”
Leigh shook her head, tired.
“I already told you that I can’t do that. What I need a break from are these fights. Honestly, Carl, I’m beginning to think that what I really need a break from is you.”
There. The words were out there, and now she couldn’t take them back.
Later, she knew, she would tremble from the shock of having said it. But now, she was carried on a surge of adrenaline that made her get up and pace.
“What do you mean?”
Carl actually sounded puzzled.
“I mean that I cannot be with you like this. I need you to understand that my needs and my priorities are just as important as yours. I might let go of them and let them slide when I can, but there will be times when I won’t, and I need you to understand that. I’m not keeping you from doing as you please, Carl. I think the best thing to do would be for you to take your year and travel. Have all those wonderful experiences that you want. Maybe we can try to keep in touch. When you come back, we’ll meet and see if we want to go anywhere from there. Until then, we can part ways and wish each other the best.”
Carl still sat there.
Leigh sat down beside him again.
“Carl, I know this is your dream. I’m sorry that I cannot share it with you. But I cannot. I want you to do what you’ve always wanted to do, and I want you to be happy. But a year is a long time. Maybe we’ll both find out more about ourselves, and go different ways. We’ve been together for so long, almost as long as we’ve been adults. We should look at this as a chance to grow, each on our own, and if that’s in different ways, we should both be grateful for it. If it’s not, we will end up back together.”
Carl turned to her, and she saw sadness.
“What if you meet somebody else?”
Leigh smiled.
“Then I meet somebody else. But you’ll still have your dream, Carl. I know how important it is to you.”
Carl wouldn’t let go of that.
“What if I ask you to wait for me?”
Leigh shrugged.
“I don’t know. I won’t close myself off from new experiences, new people, if you go away for a year. We’ll barely keep in touch, Carl. And you’ll meet so many people. I’m sure you’ll meet people you’ll be interested in, and I don’t want to be something that weighs you down, either.”
Carl still looked like he didn’t quite believe what was happening.
“You’re breaking up with me,” said Carl.
Leigh opened her mouth to deny it, and realized that there was no point in that. He was right. She was breaking up with him, and she was becoming surer and surer that it was the right thing to do.
“I guess we’re breaking up with each other, Carl,” said Leigh softly.
Without a word, he got up and went to the living room, grabbing a blanket and a pillow on the way.
She even saw him begin to clean up when she got up to close the door.
Too little too late, thought Leigh, and let some of the bitterness escape her as tears.
When she finally fell asleep, though, she felt the heaviness ease a bit.
She knew that she had done the right thing, in the end.
*****
Leigh woke up the next morning feeling empty. She knew she was alone.
She got up and walked to the door.
“Carl?”
Her voice seemed to echo back to her. She didn’t see him anywhere.
She saw the note on the table – the clean coffee table.
She sat on the couch as if her legs had given way and took the note. She held it in her hands, her fingers trembling just a bit.
Silly, she told herself, she was silly to feel so nervous. She had broken up with him. If he wasn’t there when she woke up, it was no big deal.
But she had expected him to be there. She had expected him, no matter what, to fight for her – at least a bit.
She had given him something of an ultimatum. Maybe there had been some part of her that had hoped that he would finally think of a compromise, when faced with the reality of losing her.
Had she really meant so little to him that he didn’t care about that? Leigh didn’t want to think that.
Staring at the note wasn’t helping anything, anyway. Leigh opened it, and read.
Dear Leigh,
I thought about what you said, and you’re right. This is important to me, and I will resent you if you don’t do this with me. Maybe the best thing to do is to take a break from each other.
But this will be a new life for me. Without sharing in these experiences with me, how can you know me afterwards? If we meet after I come back, I will be a different person, while you will still be you.
You will still be concerned with your career, and professional advancement. I hope to find something bigger and higher than that. I hope to find a place where I can have real peace, maybe even make a difference.
How will you know me after I come back?
What if I find my kindred spirit, who seeks riches in experience and not through her career? I would rather have the freedom to find the woman who understands me, than wait for you to understand why this matters so much to me.
I know you think that I’m being unreasonable. But this was an experience for both of us, a way for both of us to change in ways that would make us so much better than we were.
I still believe you and I could be meant to be together, if you reconsider your priorities. But if you have made up your mind, then you’re right. We need to part ways.
I hope you will get in touch with me, Leigh, and tell me that you’ve changed your mind. I hope for that, with all my heart, for your sake as well as mine. You are losing sight of what’s important, what we both agreed was important.
I’m staying with Jack for a few days, but I’ll book my tickets at the end of the week. I hope you will call me before that, so that I can book for both of us, like we always planned.
Take care, Leigh. I’ll be waiting all week.
Carl
Leigh read it a couple of times to be sure that she hadn’t gotten it all wrong or misinterpreted it.
No, she really hadn’t.
He hadn’t heard a word she’d said, in the end. Not about compromise, not about working on their relationship, not about finding a way to make it work – nothing.
He was parroting the same old thing, all over again, and this time, apparently it was for her own good. She was just surprised that he hadn’t called her toxic and leaching away his positivity, or something of the sort.
Leigh sat there, feeling numb, wondering where her anger was.
She wondered where the man she had been in love with had gone. Because she had been in love with him. She had fallen in love with him, and she had thought that she had found the one.
Well, if the one was an idiot with his head up his ass, she sure had found him.
Leigh wished she could feel bitterness, but she couldn’t. She just felt nothing.
The pain would come, she knew, because that note meant that everything between them was over. He had thrown the last compromise she had offered back in her face, pretty much telling her that he didn’t want to see her after he came back and see where things stood.
He was giving her an ultimatum to top the one she had given him.
Leigh recognized the manipulation, of course, and she knew that that was his way of making her come to heel again, put what he wanted first again.
Give everything up for him.
Leigh closed her eyes and considered that seriously for a minute.
Maybe she could.
But she couldn’t stay with a man who had such little regard for her that he refused to meet her halfway. Or even a quarter of the way.
What kind of life would that be? She would have to keep bending over backwards, prioritizing his wishes over her own, all her life.
No, she couldn’t do that.
No matter how much it might hurt when she started feeling again, she had to let this go.
Leigh considered tearing the note up, but that seemed like an empty gesture. She put it aside and walked to the kitchen.
Methodically, she got coffee started and got a bowl out to have cereal.
This Was Meant To Be: BWWM Romance Page 4
