NO ORDINARY ROOM

by Bill Williams

Sligo waited five minutes to make sure that the old man had left the area and then ordered his main support man, John T Doolan and rookie Marine, Scott Valance to prepare for their mission.

  Sligo was proud that his hard work had finally convinced his superiors to authorise an undercover operation behind the Brit’s back. As far as Sligo was concerned, Kevin Tranter, codenamed Pigman was connected with the suspicious transmissions that had been filling the ether above Hog’s End Lane. If the Brits were too dumb or cautious to tackle Tranter then the US would go it alone. The Brits were nice enough people, but at times they were too polite and too damned democratic for their own good. No wonder they’d lost an empire and were always in economic trouble. The idiots were always playing by the rules. Damn, if corporate America played by the rules then the country would be in one heck of a hole. It was all about the ‘big picture’ and American’s role as the world’s do-gooder. Swings and roundabouts is what it’s all about. Okay, so we fight dirty sometimes, but we aren’t the bad guys. It’s not as though we’re selfish. No sir, we’re quite happy to encourage our way of life on the rest of the world. It wouldn’t be fair if only Americans could be big and healthy. Some folks in Europe and other countries call it a funny name like obese, but it never did us any harm.

  Sligo snapped himself out of his patriotic thoughts and watched Valance remove the ice cream man’s white coat to reveal his camouflaged combat uniform.

  ‘What weapons are we taking with us, sir?’ Doolan asked.

  Doolan was from one of roughest areas of New York and had been fascinated by guns ever since he’d owned his first weapon at the age of fifteen when he was a member of a notorious street gang. He had never fired his gun with any evil intent, but he’d faced going to a prison for a series of petty crimes until he’d been persuaded to join the army to escape a custodial sentence.

  Sligo was thoughtful before he eventually answered Doolan’s question, ‘We won’t be taking any weapons, but Valance will have us covered from up here and if necessary he can call in air support. We’ll try and keep this operation low key, but if there are any problems then we’ll blast that alien lover to bits and let the diplomatic boys sort things out if they have to. ‘

  Valance looked worried. ‘You said alien lover, sir. I thought the guy down on that farm was just a communist sympathiser.’

  Sligo looked uncomfortable, realising that he had let slip some classified information and he tried his best to correct himself without any real success.

  ‘So, what is he, sir? I think we ought to know. If he’s got some support from outer space he might be protected by unconventional weapons. Valance’s weapon isn’t going to be much use if they put up a force field.’

  ‘He’s right, sir.’ said Valance. ‘I thought this guy and any supporters he might have are just some political agitators. I didn’t figure we were tackling men from outer space. Are they located here because that’s a special landing pad down there in the valley?’

  ‘Do we even know if that dude who pretends to look after the pigs is really human?’ Doolan asked.

  ‘Whoa,’ Sligo shouted, ‘What’s with all the questions? Of course he’s human. I only mentioned aliens because some of our intelligence guys think that the commies are trying to make contact with outer space. If they succeed they could form an alliance and that would make our satellite surveillance and Star Wars Defence systems vulnerable.’

  Doolan frowned. ‘I remember reading somewhere that pigs are extremely intelligent creatures. Maybe they are using them for special operations. You know like we use dolphins?’

  ‘Now that’s a thought,’ Valance said.

  ‘Let’s cut all the theorising and prepare for the mission,’ Sligo snapped before one of his men suggested that the pigs might be trained in combat.

  ‘Remember now, we grab the pig man and bring him back up here to interrogate him and then take it from there. He mustn’t know that we are Americans, so let’s have a last practice at the local accent. You go first Doolan.’ ‘Right you are, sir. I’ve been practising real hard. I think I’ve got the hang of the sonofabitch accent,’ Doolan said in his rapid fire New York accent, coughed and then continued. ’Good morning, Nigel. Golly, those are a fine pair of Wellington boots you’re wearing today. According to the local forecast we should have some heavy rain later and so the cricket match will probably be cancelled and that will be most unfortunate. It will probably affect the croquet game as well. ’

  ‘That was real good, Doolan,’ said Valance. ‘I couldn’t understand a word that you said, but that must be because you spoke funny like folks do around these parts. Do you want me to have my go now, sir?’

  Sligo was remembering Valance’s feeble attempt when he had been conversing with the old nuisance earlier and he told Valance that he wouldn’t be involved in the interrogation. Sligo was confident that he could mimic Slater’s accent when he needed to having spent so much time cooped up with the Brit on surveillance.

  Scott Valance had joined the marines when he was eighteen years old and thanks to his bulk, height and short cropped hair could have passed off as Sligo’s younger brother and he hadn’t expected to see any action when he had been posted to England. According to Agent Sligo their mission was of great importance and their progress was being followed by the President himself. He had telephoned his Mom in Crook’s Creek, Arizona last night and wished he could have told her that he had been specially chosen for today’s mission. Who would have thought that he’d be first person from his home town to be accepted for the marines? If all went well today he might be in line for a medal and invited to the White House to have it presented and his mom would be so proud.

  Valance had lowered the door at the back of the vehicle and continually adjusted the sights of his machine gun while watching Sligo and Doolan slowly walk down the slope towards the farm. Doolan was a tough cookie, but if things went wrong then this Arizona boy would save the day. Should there be any trouble then he would shoot anything that moved. He’d learned from his favourite western movies that you didn’t wait for the other guy to go for his gun. This was the real world and you shoot first. That was the American way and was why we ruled the world. Kick butt and kick it first that was his motto. He was here for the President, for America and for his mom. Valance swallowed hard and wiped away the tear from his eye. He saluted the small American flag that he had placed beside him and then positioned a finger on the trigger of the machine gun.

  ‘Bring them on, ‘Valance shouted and then gave a whelping cry that would have been new to any of the resident creatures that might be sleeping, or taking cover nearby. Valance took a deep breath and then tried to remember his sergeant’s advice and muttered. ‘Cool heads in battle wins wars, or was it fast trigger fingers win wars.’

  Kevin was carrying a pitchfork as he directed the pigs out of the sty when he spotted the two men in uniform and he figured that they must be on some sort of training exercise. When the men came closer to him he decided they might not be about to pass the time of day or other pleasantries. One of them had some sort of stripes on his uniform and he was the one with the biggest scowl on his face which was replaced by a look of terror as he dived to the ground when Kevin waved his pitchfork to greet them.

  Kevin thought he heard the man shout. ‘Dive for cover, he’s got a weapon.’

  Doolan faltered and it needed a second order from Sligo before he dived and landed alongside a terrified Sligo.

  Sligo welcomed the attention of the pigs that were just inches away from him, because they provided some cover from the man they had come to interrogate and perhaps kidnap. He looked towards the hillside, wondering why Valance hadn’t opened fire on the gun wielding pig man.

  ‘What’s keeping that damn Arizona hillbilly, he should be firing away by now,’ Sligo roared, but then relaxed when he heard the sound of the helicopters.

  ‘Now we’ll see some action,’ declared a smug Sligo, but his gloating soon disappeared when he realised that the black helic
opters with the strange markings were not like any he had seen before and they weren’t American.

  ‘Sufferin catfish, lets run for it,’ roared Sligo when he saw the armed troops who had jumped from the helicopter before it touched down and were running towards them.

  Doolan was much fitter than Sligo, but they were neck and neck as they ran clear of the farm with Sligo being spurred on by the fear of what he’d seen. They were some fifty yards from their vehicle when Valance began firing, causing both men to glance behind them.

  ‘Hell fire,’ shouted Sligo. There’s a small army of them and there’s a monster animal breathing fire, but Valance will soon ...,’ Sligo was about to say that Valance would come to their rescue and then he realised that Valance’s bullets were getting closer and closer to them. Valance had just realised that firing in action was a bit different to target practice on the range.

  Kevin called out to Benbow, the Rosser’s Border Collie in an effort to stop it chasing the two terrified men and he was surprised when it gave up the chase and came back to him, because it was the first time that the dog had obeyed him. He was still shaking his head at what had happened during the last few minutes when Pat Rosser called out and asked him what all the fuss was about. Kevin looked up at the hillside and saw the ice cream van drive away at speed.

  ‘A couple of soldiers were on some sort of cross-country run when Benbow sent them packing. I’ve never seen grown men so scared of a dog before and I think they were American. Then gun fire started, but I don’t know where it came from and then everything went quiet.’

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Valance and Doolan might have passed as strangers judging by their body language as they sat in the waiting room next to the office of General Ellison D Kruger at USAF Base Donninggraw. It was the first time they had met since their operation at Rosser Farm. Doolan was bemused, but Valance was looking depressed and thinking about what would happen to him. What would his mom think when it came out that he had nearly shot his comrades! Both men had expected Sligo to be here, although Doolan was relieved because he was going to have to dispute Sligo’s version of what had happened, He hadn’t seen any of the things that Sligo had like being threatened with a weapon by the pig man or chased by a weird looking animal and soldiers, nor had he seen any helicopters.

  General Kruger was a thickset man with a short cropped spiky hair and fifty six years old. The remnants of a broken nose and the scar on the left cheek had been the result of combat training injuries and nothing to do with the action he had seen during various active service missions in different parts of the world. His refusal to wear, what he called, sissy glasses, meant that he frequently had to squint through his pale blue eyes just like he was doing now when he addressed the two officers who formed the special investigating panel that he had set up.

  ‘Gentlemen, we have a serious problem that needs to be sorted out before we leave here today. You’ve all seen the reports from British Intelligence after they have conducted a thorough search of this Rosser Farm and the surrounding area. You have also seen the medical reports regarding the assessment of Sligo which were conducted where he is hospitalized.

  Colonel Thumper Jolin was fidgeting with the papers in front of him and it caught the attention of General Kruger.

  ‘Colonel Jolin, what’s your assessment of what happened out there during the planned raid on the farm?’

  Jolin’s face reddened as he replied. ‘The way I see it, General, we have a simple case of a man with more imagination than guts. Only Sligo appears to have seen these helicopters, but none were seen on the Brit’s radar and there were no reports of any being within fifty miles of that area.’

  Colonel Bob Franklyn the other member of the investigating panel wasn’t so convinced when he chipped in.

  ‘But can we rely on the Brits with their outdated equipment. You know what they are like for penny pinching.’

  ‘And what about this creature that Sligo saw charging at him?’ General Kruger asked and then continued. ‘According to his testimony it looked like a giraffe with horns and was spitting fire like a dragon.’

  Jolin used his finger in a rotating motion alongside his ear, indicating that Sligo was seventy five cents short of a dollar.

  * * *

  It took less than fifteen minutes after the enquiry team had heard a short testimony from Valance and Doolan before General Kruger announced, ‘Then we’re all agreed on our verdict with regards to Doolan and Valance without waiting to see Sligo. We’ll meet again in a few days before we visit Sligo where he is being held and it might be wise to have some assistance available in case Sligo goes a bit loopy on us. I’ll get one of my aides to make arrangements and pass on the details to you. Thank you for your support and consideration with this very difficult case. We just need to bring Doolan and Valance back in to deliver our verdicts and then we can head for some lunch.’

  * * *

  Scott Valance left the enquiry building with a hop, skip and a jump and headed for his temporary billet on the camp to make a very important telephone call. His Mom would likely be asleep because of the time difference, but it wasn’t everyday that a son was recommended for a medal. He had been ordered not to make any contact with Sligo or Doolan and not to reveal any details of his mission. The medal would be for displaying courage on active service. Within twenty four hours most of Crook’s Creek would believe that Valance had kept a small army of men at bay and helped save the lives of two comrades. They would likely think that it was behind enemy lines out in some god-forsaken desert or jungle and perhaps it was best if he didn’t ever admit to it being in, little old peaceful, England.

  Doolan didn’t know why he was going to be recommended for a medal and promoted, unless it was a reward for keeping quiet about a bungled operation. He would always wonder what happened to Sligo, the wackiest guy he had ever met. He had heard stories about how some men flipped during combat, but a raid on a farm in England was hardly combat, nor was being chased by farmyard dog.

  * * *

  General Kruger was having lunch with his investigating panel colleagues to discuss their planned meeting with Sligo scheduled for tomorrow when his aide passed him a short note. The relaxed features of Kruger changed to a frown and he rose from the table. ‘If you’ll excuse me gentleman I need to return to my office. It appears that Sligo has escaped from the secure unit he was being held in and is on the run.’

  General Kruger hoped that Sligo would give himself up or be captured soon. It wouldn’t help Anglo-British relations to have a psycho like him roaming the English countryside. According to the medical folks he was suffering from some aggravated illusionary illness and was likely to be extremely dangerous if he was confronted.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Kevin was laughing when he came into the lounge and sat next to Debbie on the settee.

  ‘I was just telling our Steve about what happened at the farm last week.’

  Jamie stopped reading his computer magazine and asked his dad what had happened that was so funny.

  ‘Of course, you were out at footy training when I came home and told your mum. Well, these fellers in uniform, probably Americans and built like rugby players came on to the farm just as I was herding some of piggy friends out of the sty when they came closer they looked really mean.’

  ‘What does really mean look like, Dad?’ asked Leanne.

  Kevin screwed his face up and jutted out his jaw in an attempt to look fierce. Leanne grimaced and Jamie smiled.

  ‘You looked like Mr Cranleigh just for a minute there, Dad,’ Jamie joked.

  ‘Very funny. Anyway, back to the story. I got the impression that they weren’t just calling by to ask me directions, so I just waved to them. That’s when the odd thing happened.’

  ‘Ah, no you don’t,’ Jamie said. ‘I’ve heard this story before, Dad. You’re going to say that they started running away.’

  ‘You have heard it then, because that’s exactly what they did, but not straigh
t away. They just stopped in their tracks and the one in front looked really frightened before he dived to the ground, followed by his mate. Then they got up and legged it.’

  Jamie smiled, ‘This is where you say that you grabbed his leg and started pulling it, like you’re pulling mine.’

  ‘No, this is what really happened and there’s no way that I would have caught them. Although Benbow, the farm dog, did start to give chase and would have caught up with them if I hadn’t called him back The frightened one kept looking back and towards the sky at the blackbirds that were hovering around.’

  ‘Wow, that’s really weird, Dad, ‘Jamie said.

  ‘But there’s more,’ Kevin said. ‘As they were running up the hill they dived to the ground again when the firing started.’

  ‘Now you are pulling my leg,’ said a disbelieving Jamie.

  ‘Do you believe this, Mum?’ Jamie asked.

  ‘I always believe what your father tells me, Jamie.’ replied Debbie with a smile.

  ‘The firing suddenly stopped and they continued up the hill and drove off.’

  ‘I bet you’re going to say they drove off in a tank.’

  ‘No it wasn’t a tank. It was an ice cream van.’

  ‘Dad, you rotten so and so. I nearly believed you.’

  Kevin laughed, ‘It’s all true.’

  ‘And who else saw all this action?’ Jamie asked.

  ‘I don’t suppose anyone else did see it because Mr Rosser was indoors while it was happening.’

  ‘Did you call the police, about the shots?’ Jamie asked.

  ‘I didn’t have to. They telephoned Mr Rosser and asked to speak to me, but they didn’t sound like the local police. I think they must have belonged to the Ministry of Defence. Apparently the men were some soldiers on exercise and shots had been fired to make it more realistic. The coppers wouldn’t say if they were American and just wanted to make sure that no one was hurt and they plan to send someone to the farm to check things out and apologise in person.’