Gauge : SBMC Maryland

by Erin Trejo

  “Goddamn girl, you got skinny. I don’t know why you ain’t eatin’ but you will start. It’s damn good to see you though, sweetheart.” His words wrap around my heart and squeeze. If I’ve missed anyone around here, it’s him.

  “It’s good to see you, too. You look good for being as old as Jesus,” I tease. He laughs but keeps me pulled into his side.

  “This girl gave me more hell than you do, Gauge. I used to change her damn diapers when she was little.”

  Embarrassment washes over me, my cheeks heating. Gauge chuckles but keeps staring me down.

  “Well, I’m sure you want to get some rest. Gauge, show her to her room. I’m gonna go make a few calls but I’ll check in before I go to bed,” my dad says.

  “Do all of you stay here?” I ask, not sure who stays now and who doesn’t.

  “Nah. I got a place not far from here. Gauge, Remy, Shaft, and a few prospects do though. You won’t be alone. You can come to the house if you want, I didn’t think about it,” he rambles.

  I know my dad has always liked his space so when I decline his offer to go stay at the house, I’m sure he’s relieved.

  “Come on. I’ll show you the room,” Gauge says as he walks past me and down the hall. I take it all in as we walk through the main room only stopping when Gauge stops and pops a door open. I walk in after him watching as he sets my bags on the bed.

  “Bathroom’s in there, closet,” he says pointing out each door. “Usually one of the club girls are around if you want somethin’ to eat. Just tell them who you are, they won’t give you any shit.” Gauge turns to walk out of the room when I stupidly stop him.

  “Hey.”

  He slowly turns to look at me, exhaustion written all over his face. “What?”

  “Thanks for coming with my dad to get me. I might not want to be here but I appreciate it.”

  “Wasn’t my choice. I was ordered to come so I went. Don’t thank me. I didn’t do shit for you.” Turning on his heel he leaves the room.

  That was a little fucking harsh, but I suppose I deserved it. Walking to the bed, I grab my bag and head into the bathroom. I want to wash this day away and sleep forever. That thought alone should be disturbing but I have thought about it over the years. I even had to get my stomach pumped once before when I overdosed. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate life, I do. Things just become so hard sometimes that I have to wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t here. My mom wouldn’t really care, that much I know. She didn’t even call the ambulance when I od’ed. My previous overdose, my ex did. He left not long after that. I guess the thought of me doing it again was too much for him to deal with.

  I climb in the shower and turn the cold water on, letting it shock my body back to reality when I look down at my hands. If you weren’t looking you’d probably never notice the tracks between my fingers. I’m not an addict, not really anyway. I just use to numb my insides so that I don’t have to remember who I am or why I was brought into this world. With a mom who doesn’t want you and a dad who’s too busy for you, you have to find a way to cope with it. Drugs and liquor are my coping mechanisms of choice. I don’t doubt that one day I won’t come back from it, though. I’ve accepted my fate long ago. It’s only a matter of time now.

  Seven

  Gauge

  She’s been here for days but hasn’t come out of her room much. I sent Angel to make sure she wasn’t dead on my watch. She wasn’t and I don’t know if that annoyed me or soothed me. Music is blasting through the speakers even though there’s only a few of us here tonight. Most of the guys are out on a run while the rest of us kick back and relax. I drink my beer while Jody grinds her ass against my cock. Remy and a few prospects play a round of pool while the girls dance amongst themselves.

  “You about ready to go to your room?” Jody purrs as her long pink nail runs down my cheek.

  “Does it look like it?” I ask lifting my beer for her to see. She rolls her eyes but doesn’t make a move to get off my lap. Fucking bitch. She always wants things her way or no way. I take another pull when I hear the prospects whistling and cat calling. When I look over I see Dezzy walking through the room in a tank top and thong. My cock jumps to life at the sight before me. She walks around the bar and grabs a glass, pouring herself a drink. She reaches across the bar, her tits nearly falling from the shirt she has on. The guys are all watching her, whistling at her. She ignores them all as she grabs a cigarette and sticks it between her lips.

  “Move,” I growl, shoving Jody off my lap. I stand and stalk through the room toward her. Pulling my lighter out, I flick it to life and hold it out to her. She smiles, leans in, and lights up before stepping back.

  “Thanks. You would think with all the men around here there would be more lighters,” she giggles to herself. I don’t smile, smirk, or otherwise. I just look at her.

  “You think your dad would appreciate you tauntin’ the fuck out of his men with your ass showin’ like that?” Dez raises and eyebrow as if she wants to challenge me.

  “I’m an adult. I can decide what I wear and when I wear it. Thanks for you worries though, Daddy Junior.”

  She moves to walk past me and down the hall when I lose my shit. I storm behind her and as soon as I catch up to her, I grab her arm spinning her around. A gasp escapes her throat, her drink splashing from her glass as I push her against the wall.

  “What the fuck?” she snaps loudly.

  “There are a few things you should think about. The first, testin’ me isn’t such a good idea, darlin’. I’m not one of your little junkie friends who will take your shit. Two, callin’ me daddy is reserved for whoever I’m fuckin’, and three, this isn’t old times. You are an adult and should fuckin’ act like one when there are others here. You wanna walk around and be your momma’s little whore, you go for it, but when one of those guys loses their patience and takes it out on your little pussy, don’t come cryin’ to me.” I’m so close I could caress her goddamn lips with mine, and with the mood I’m in, I’ve thought about. Prancing her ass around in nothing but a thong is just pushing me harder.

  “You are bossy as hell and a complete asshole.”

  “We’ve established that part. Anything else?” I cock my head and stare her down waiting on her to say something else, push me just a little bit further.

  “Yeah, there is more. One, you are not my dad and have no business talking to me the way you are. Two, I’m not a whore and never will be. I do have some class, and three, I don’t even want to imagine the skanks that are calling you daddy in your bed. They are all so used up that you could get lost inside of them. Don’t fucking compare me to them ever again.”

  The fire in her eyes sparks and sends a jolt straight through me. I like this Dez. I like the Dez who is willing and ready to stand up for herself, the sober Dez. High Dez is just another club whore who uses more than she should.

  “That it?”

  “Maybe.”

  “You got more, princess, please feel free to get it all out in the open,” I taunt her. I can see her hardened nipples through her shirt, and God help me, I want to lean down and suck one into my mouth. But I don’t. I don’t need the problems that will follow. There’s something in the air between us aside from the tension. I know she can feel it.

  “Don’t you have a whore to fuck or am I just getting special treatment?” She raises and eyebrow and I smirk back at her.

  “That depends. You still willin’ to ride my cock like you were the other day?” Her mouth falls open a soft breath escaping when she does. Her eyes widen and for a second I think she might give in and say yes. I wouldn’t touch her but I sure as hell like getting her all worked up.

  “I wouldn’t touch you if you paid me like a whore. Did you forget that I grew up here? I know what kind of sluts run through here, hell, my mom was one of them. Club whores are what ruined my family. I saw what kind of STD’s those guys had, and I assure you, I don’t want them.”

  Slapping her hand on my chest, I let
out a growl. I can’t help it. She keeps putting her hands on me and I’m slowly starting to lose myself. I reach up, plucking the cigarette from that hand and dropping it into the glass in the other before knocking them to the floor. Dezzy’s eyes widen as she tries to take a step back. I don’t let her move though; no, I hold on tighter and slam her against the wall. She jolts; her lips part and I just stare at her, waiting for her to say something more to piss me off.

  “You have some kind of mouth on you. Maybe I should have let you suck me off the other day. Put that mouth of yours to good use. I can assure you that I’ve never had nor do I plan on havin’ any kind of STD, darlin’. Nor would I ride that sweet pussy of yours without protection. Don’t forget, I know you’re a goddamn junkie.” With that I release her and turn, stomping back down the hall. Remy eyes me when I walk to the bar and grab another beer.

  “What the hell was that?”

  “What?”

  “You chasin’ that ass? Tryin’ to get some of the club princess?” Remy laughs as I take a long pull.

  “Shit no. She’s drivin’ me insane. Prez told me to keep an eye on her but she’s too damn stubborn. Told her I’m not helpin’ her ass when she gets into somethin’ she can’t get out of,” I tell him. Remy chuckles and pulls a joint from behind his ear, lighting it up.

  “Prez hasn’t been around much since she’s been here. They got beef?” he asks passing me the joint. I take it, bring it to my lips, and inhale as I shake my head.

  “Not that I know of. Just haven’t talked in years.”

  “Maybe he’ll come around since we’re cookin’ this weekend. You should talk to him, the guys are askin’ questions.”

  Nodding my head, I pass him the joint back before finishing my beer.

  “I’m headin’ to bed. I’ll talk to Prez. I doubt it’s anything to worry about though.” Remy nods as I head down the hallway yawning. With Dez’s room right across from mine, I have to pass it. That’s when I hear it. Her crying and sobbing. I raise my hand to knock but quickly lower it. What the fuck do I care if she’s crying? She isn’t my kid.

  Eight

  Dezzy

  All I feel is pain. Pain is something I’ve grown accustomed to. Whether it be the pain of not being loved enough or the pain of the physical kind. I’ve felt it all. Today is no different. The time that I’ve been here at the clubhouse has shown me just how much I didn’t miss this place. With my mom, I wasn’t ignored. I was used but not ignored. My dad has spoken all of two words to me and that’s the part that hurts the worst. I thought things might be different now that I’m older and back here, but it’s not. If anything, I feel worse.

  “You look lonely,” Shaft says dropping into the chair next to me, offering me a plate of food.

  “You said lonely, not hungry,” I reply.

  “Food cures all, yeah?” I giggle and take the plate, setting it on the table in front of me as he does the same.

  “Wanna talk about it?” he asks popping a piece of shrimp into his mouth as I take a pull from my beer.

  “Not really much to talk about is there? The guys all know why I’m here.”

  “Might be true but I don’t know why you look so sad.”

  Jesus, is that what I look like? Sad? I never want to come off as sad, I’d prefer angry or disjointed.

  “I’m not sad. I’m annoyed. This isn’t my place anymore. I haven’t been here in years and I never saw myself coming back.”

  “Why is that? Don’t like the club?”

  “It’s not that. You all know as well as I do that my dad is distant when I’m around. You can’t tell me you haven’t seen that,” I say turning to look Shaft in the eye. Shaft sighs but nods his head.

  “Figured Prez had his reasons.”

  “You’re looking at his reason.” That was enough to shut him up. He doesn’t say anything else, just eats his food but looks like he’s trying to contemplate the reason behind my dad acting that way. It’s funny to see the look on his face. I giggle a little when he turns his head to face me.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You will never figure it out. I’m his kid and I still have no idea why he’s like that,” I tell him. Shaft shrugs his shoulders and takes another bite.

  “Who cares? Let him be. Doesn’t mean you have to be lonely here, Dez. We’re still here. You can talk to any of us, you should know that by now.”

  Even though I haven’t been here long I do know that. In fact, I’ve talked to Old Barnie just like the old times. He’s still the best friend I’ve ever had even so many years later. Speak of the devil and he shows up. Old Barnie smiles as he makes his way toward us, his greying hair not making him look any less perfect than he always has. They say with age, you get better and I’d say age has been kind to OB.

  “You kids in?” he asks crossing his arms over his chest. Shaft and I share a glance before looking back at him.

  “What are you talking about? Old age getting to you again?” I tease him. He laughs before shaking his head.

  “Water park, kiddos. We are takin’ the kids out there with the ladies before we hit the boat for a while. You girls in?” I smile but shake my head no. I’m not a part of this club anymore, not in the way I used to be.

  “I think I’ll pass.”

  “Like hell you will! You’re comin’. You remember when you were little and we’d all go out?” OB asks staring me down. I don’t know why I try to tell him no, it’s never worked in the past.

  “You used to pick up all the girls back then,” I laugh.

  “What the hell you mean used to? I’m only fifty-three, sweetheart, and I still look damn good. I can still pick up those young girls,” he laughs. Shaft laughs next to me, drawing my attention.

  “You don’t think he can?” I ask him, Shaft shakes his head before grinning, “Hell no. Not when there’s guys like me around.”

  “Game on, fucker. Dezzy, go get ready. We’re about to show this fucker some old school moves,” OB says as he turns and walks away. I can’t help but laugh.

  “Ah, she does have a sense of humor.” The laughter stops when I turn and see Gauge walking up behind us.

  “Her and OB are about to show me how the old fuckers in the club get the girls,” Shaft chuckles.

  “No shit? I heard he was quite the player back in the day,” Gauge responds.

  “You don’t think he can do it?” I ask wondering his take on it. This is the part that I missed. The old playful part of the guys. I don’t know much about the newer guys but the older ones that are still around still have that spark in them.

  “Hell no. You can’t put the older guys against us younger ones and expect them to win,” Gauge says proudly. I roll my eyes and shove out of my chair before facing him.

  “OB is pretty hot for an older guy. I bet he can take you,” I challenge him. He crosses his arms over his chest, glaring back at me.

  “You think so?” he asks. I nod my head when he responds, “What are we bettin’?”

  “Oh shit. One thing you will learn quickly is to not bet against Gauge,” Shaft says moving to stand next to us.

  “What do you want?”

  “Don’t do it, don’t ask that question,” Shaft speaks again but I ignore him. I’m too lost in Gauge’s blue eyes to look away. That magnetic pull that I always feel near him keeping me in place.

  “I win, you stop the drugs and give your dad a chance,” he states. I noticeably flinch when he says that, stepping back a little. Shaft sighs and turns to walk away leaving the two of us alone. I don’t know what to say. “Is it a deal?”

  “Why do you care so much about me and my dad’s relationship? It’s never been anything more than it is now. What do you get out of it?” The next words throw me off my game. They shock the hell out of me and I’m stunned.

  “I get to see you smile a real smile.” Gauge doesn’t say another word or wait for me to respond; he turns on his heel and walks away from me when an arm comes around my shoulder.

  �
�What was that about?” Angel, one of the club whores, asks. She has been pretty nice to me since I got here and I’m finding I kind of like her.

  “I don’t really know. Are you going to the water park?” I ask looking over at her. She shakes her head, her long hair tumbling over her eyes.

  “Old ladies and the kids only.”

  “Fuck that. You’re coming with me,” I state as I start dragging her toward the clubhouse.

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Dez. Your dad will be pissed if I show up there.”

  “Don’t care. You’re my friend and I need a friend to go with me. I don’t know any of the old ladies but one, and she doesn’t even like me much. Don’t make me go alone, Angel,” I whine. Angel glares at me before rolling her eyes.

  “Fine but if I get bitched at I’m throwing your ass under the bus with me,” she says nudging my shoulder.

  “Fine by me!” I head inside and down the hall to my room to get ready to go. I haven’t really had a day to just relax and be me in so long. The thought makes me a little sadder than I should be. I know who I am but at the same time I don’t. Most days I feel like the shadow of my mother that she created. I don’t really know what it’s like to be Dezzy Montgomery. I’ve never really had the chance after she introduced the drugs and alcohol into my life. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I pull the needle from the bedside drawer and stare it. Pre-filled and ready for me to use.

  “Who the fuck am I kidding?” I mumble to myself. I’ll never be more than this. This is who I’ve become, who she made me to be. Sticking the needle between my fingers, I press the plunger filling my veins with the sweet pleasure I need to get by before grabbing my swim suit and changing.

  Nine

  Gauge

  I sit back in the sun with my shades on and relax. Everyone is having a good time and enjoying the break. For me, it’s a stress reliever. I know the run I’m about to be going on soon and I know that it’s a dangerous venture. This is my down time and I plan on enjoying it.