Gauge : SBMC Maryland

by Erin Trejo

  “What are you up to?” Angel asks when she comes to sit next to me.

  “Getting drunk,” I say flashing her the bottle of Fireball in my hand. She giggles and sits back on the couch.

  “I heard the guys talking. Some new chick is coming in tonight,” she adds.

  “Oh yeah? Anyone we know?” I ask with a slur. Angel shakes her head no.

  “Apparently it’s all secretive and shit. No one is saying a word as to who it is. Probably some young slut to give me competition.”

  I snort laugh when she says that. Tipping the bottle to my lips, I take a long pull before looking over at her.

  “You are fucking hot, Angel. Fuck those other girls, and besides, you aren’t that old, are you?” I ask looking a little confused. She grabs the bottle and takes a drink, her eyes narrowing as the burn slides down her throat.

  “I’m twenty-five.”

  “See, not old.” I hear a commotion and look up to see my dad storming down the stairs. His eyes lock with mine before moving to the bottle in my hand.

  “Oh shit. He looks pissed,” Angel mumbles as he heads toward us.

  “Not anything new, babe,” I add with a giggle.

  “What the fuck is this? Is that all you do now? Drink, do drugs? What the fuck is with you, Dezzy?” he snaps.

  Wow, that is the most interaction that we’ve had since I’ve been here. In fact, that’s probably the most we’ve had since I was a kid.

  “What do you care? Don’t you have whores to fuck?” I ask him in a snide tone. “No offense,” I say to Angel.

  “None taken,” she says sweetly. Angel gets up and walks away but my dad continues to stand there staring me down.

  “You a fuckin’ junkie like Gauge said?” His words burn like acid. I shove off the couch and stand in front of the man who hasn’t wanted anything to do with me in years and keep my head held high.

  “What the fuck do you care? Huh? You never cared before so why now?” His eyes narrow and his fists ball at his sides. God, how I wish I could him to talk. Say something to me, anything. Tell me why he hates me so much that he hides from me. Why didn’t he care that my mom took off with me? Anything to ease the ache in my chest right now. He doesn’t say a word. He shakes his head as growls rumble low in his throat.

  “Let’s take a walk, yeah?” Shaft comes over pressing his hand to my dad’s chest. He snarls and slaps his hand away watching my dad take another step toward me. I keep my eyes on his, the darkness in them terrifying.

  “You better watch your ass around here, Dezzy. My daughter or not you don’t disrespect me or this club.”

  “This club? You? Are you fucking kidding me? You disrespected me and mom for this club! You fucked ever whore you could find and pushed us away! Don’t you dare tell me about respect,” I scream at the top of my lungs. I’m coming unhinged. I’m losing myself and I don’t know how to pull me back in. My dad raises his hand so quickly I could barely comprehend what was happening until I feel the sting on my cheek. He slapped me. He actually slapped me, but I don’t cry like I thought I would. I laugh. His face is a blank mask of nothing. No emotions. He shakes his head when Shaft moves in between us.

  “Yo, Prez! Take a walk, brother!” he snaps. His words must snap my dad back to reality. He slowly looks over at him before turning on his heel and walking away. That’s when I hammer another nail in my coffin.

  “Some things never change, do they, Dad? Walk away. That’s what you’re good at!” He stops mid-stride and I almost think he’s going to turn around but he doesn’t. He storms out of the door just as someone else strolls in.

  “What the hell?” I ask more to myself but Shaft’s eyes follow mine.

  “Who is that?” My body trembles and my insides churn. What the hell is she doing here and why didn’t my dad stop her when she came in? He just walked right past her as if he knew she was coming.

  “That’s my mom.”

  “No shit?” he asks.

  “No. It’s her. Why the hell is she here?”

  “No idea, darlin’ but she looks happy to be here,” Shaft says. I look over at him to find his eyes on me. “You don’t look so happy.”

  “Did you not here about what happened?”

  “Not all of it. Shit, I’m sorry, Dezzy.” Shaft places his hand on my shoulder when OB walks up and grabs me away from him. He pulls me into his side, holding me tightly.

  “Don’t you worry, sweetheart, I won’t let her fuck with you while she’s here.”

  “Why is she here? How did she get out?” I ask nearly in tears.

  “Don’t know those answers but she won’t bother you. I promise.” I glance up at OB and nod my head.

  “Well, if that isn’t my ungrateful daughter. Way to leave your mother in that hell hole. Did you really think that I would let that shit slide, you dumb little whore,” she snaps as she makes her way closer to me. OB steps in front of me, cutting her off at the pass.

  “You watch your words around here, Shelby. You walked a long goddamn time ago. You hold no fuckin’ power around here anymore.”

  I peek around his tall frame to see the look on her face and I can’t help but smile. He’s giving her a taste of her own medicine and I couldn’t be happier about that.

  “Clearly you haven’t talked your Prez, Old Barnie. You probably should since he’s the one who invited me here. Get used to it, baby. I’m staying.” With that she turns and walks away as I’m left feeling lower than I ever have in my life. He knew she was coming and didn’t say a word to me. He invited her here after everything she’s done to me. How could he?

  “I’m gonna call Gauge,” Shaft says next to me.

  I don’t care who he calls, if my dad knew wouldn’t Gauge have known? He’s the fucking VP. He had to have known about this. OB turns around wrapping his arms around me and holding me to his chest.

  “Whatever she’s doin’ here, I’ll find out. Don’t let her get inside your head, darlin’.” His words are meant to comfort me but they don’t.

  “It’s too late for that.”

  Fifteen

  Gauge

  I swing until my knuckles bleed. I watch the blood splatter as I beat the hell out of this guy. My frustration level is beyond anything I’ve ever felt in my life. I don’t know where my head’s at anymore. Dez has it a fucking mess, and I’m not sure which way is up these days. My phone goes insane in my pocket as Remy slaps a hand on my shoulder.

  “I think he gets the point,” he says nodding toward the guy on the ground. It was only supposed to be a little fun and games. We ran the security like we were supposed to but shit got boring. One of the other guys challenged me and stepped up.

  “Fuck,” I mumble under my breath, holding a hand out to the fucker. In my head, this is all on him. He shouldn’t have challenged me the way he did, but in hindsight, I suppose my mess of a life isn’t really his fault. He brushes my hand away and stands on his own, his face a bloody mess. He doesn’t say shit, just turns and walks away, leaving me and Remy standing there.

  “What’s with you today?”

  “Should I be concerned that you just handed my boys ass to him on a platter?” Rib, the guy we’re running security for, asks as he takes in his man.

  “No. You should tell him to be smarter about who he challenges though.” Rib chuckles under his breath before stepping up next to us.

  “If you’re in that kind of mood, I got a traitor over in the next warehouse you are more than welcome to,” he says in the surest tone I’ve ever heard. That has my interests though.

  “No shit?”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Remy grumbles next to me.

  “No shit. You can have at the motherfucker once you answer that goddamn phone of yours,” Rib says nodding toward my pocket. I slide the phone out and see it’s Shaft.

  “What the hell do you want?” I ask as I walk out of the one warehouse on my way to the other. Free kills? I’m all in. I need to relieve this fucking tension somehow.

&n
bsp; “Did you know that Prez’s old lady was comin’ today?”

  “Prez said he was tellin’ you guys, so yeah.”

  “Well he didn’t. Apparently he didn’t tell Dezzy either. They had a little showdown.”

  Oh fuck!

  “Your orders are to treat her with as much respect as the members.” The words taste like acid on my tongue as I say them. I fucking hate saying them too. I lean against the warehouse and pull out a cigarette lighting one up.

  “Not us you gotta worry over. OB is eyein’ that bitch like he might cut her into pieces, and I can’t say her kid is far behind,” Shaft informs me.

  “Not really our concern. We have our orders,” I say knowing full well I want to keep her as far from Dez as possible but I’m not there at the moment and I don’t know what kind of mindset Dez is in.

  “You’re shittin’ me, right?”

  “Sound like it?”

  “Fuck, Gauge. We all know what she did to Dezzy. How the hell are we supposed to look away from that?”

  “Because it’s a fuckin’ order, brother! You fuckin’ her?” If he says yes I swear on everything I am will knock his fucking teeth down his throat and bury him in a shallow grave.

  “No, but Prez stormed out after he smacked Dez. I don’t know wh-”

  “What the fuck you mean he smacked her?” I shove off the wall and head toward my bike without even thinking about it. We might be fucked up and do things others would cringe at, but hitting a woman? Not really in our nature unless she’s a fucking traitor.

  “Just what I said. They got into it and he smacked her in the face and left. I don’t know what the fuck is goin’ on around here anymore, brother. Shit’s all crazy.”

  “I’m on my way back.” I hit the end button as anger courses through my veins. Remy walks out of the warehouse and eyes me when I signal for him. He struts over quickly.

  “Gotta head back. You got this? Prez is actin’ all kinds of crazy.”

  “Fuck, he has been since his girl came back,” he says. I nod my head agreeing with him.

  “Handle this and head back.” Remy nods as I toss my smoke and pull my helmet on. I rev the engine and take off knowing we’re only thirty minutes away. This run was easy and local but the call for extra security was there, which is why I was here. Rib moves some heavy guns, and without twenty- four-hour monitoring, he’s afraid someone would catch on. Now that it’s all loaded onto trucks heading north, it’s all good. He has another MC lined up to follow it out of state.

  The ride doesn’t take me long but the thoughts in my head are coming faster. The idea of slitting that bitch’s throat has crossed my mind a few times, and as I pull into the clubhouse, it intensifies. I kill the bike and climb off, tossing my helmet to the ground. I see Sly’s bike is missing along with a few prospects, as well. Might be a good thing for him since I’m on edge. I stride into the clubhouse, my eyes shifting through the people trying to find her.

  “You already back?” OB asks when he spots me from the bar.

  “Heard I was needed.”

  “You knew she was comin’?” he asks.

  “Unfortunately. Sly said he was tellin’ you guys and fillin’ you in. Appears that was a load of shit.”

  “Heard that. Shaft told us. Fucked up, brother,” he grumbles shaking his head.

  “Not much we can do about it, yeah? Where is the crazy bitch?” OB chuckles under his breath before pointing down the hall.

  “Gettin’ all comfy I assume. Had her claws in the prospect earlier.” Fuck. Just what we don’t need.

  “And Dez?”

  “She was out back. I wouldn’t fuck with her right now if I was you,” he informs me.

  “You ain’t me.” Walking past him, I head out the backdoor to see her sitting by the pool. It always amazes me that this is one of the few clubhouses that actually has a goddamn swimming pool.

  “You okay?” I can see the syringe on the ground next to her but that liquid she craves is still in it. I sigh a breath of relief before sitting down next to her.

  “She’s here. Did you know she was coming here? Dad stormed right past her.”

  God her voice is so full of pain. I hate it.

  “He told me.” She scoffs and shakes her head before looking over at me, her dark hair falling over her shoulder.

  “You knew and you didn’t think you should tell me?”

  “Wasn’t my place.”

  “What is your place, Gauge? I mean really! You fuck me like there’s no tomorrow and then you leave knowing that she was coming. What the hell am I to you?”

  There’s a question I don’t have an answer to. Not that I don’t want one, I just don’t know.

  “I’m the fuckin’ VP here, Dez. I follow my goddamn orders, yeah?” The sad smile that curls her lips rips me apart.

  “And I’m me. The nobody,” she says softly, tears filling her eyes. She reaches for the syringe but my hand covers hers, stopping her movements.

  “You aren’t nobody. You’re somebody, but you want a label and I don’t know how to give you that, Dez. Don’t do this. Look at me,” I nearly beg her until her eyes meet mine. “Tell me you didn’t feel anything when I was with you the other day. Tell me you can’t feel me and I will let this go.” Nodding toward the needle in our hands, she shakes her head.

  “It isn’t that easy.”

  “Why not? You don’t need this shit to feel, Dez. Don’t I make you feel?” Why am I doing this? She isn’t mine, and if Sly knew he’d have my ass, but there is something about her that I can’t pull away from. Frankly, I don’t want to.

  Sixteen

  Dezzy

  Somewhere inside of Gauge is a good heart. I can see it but there’s also uncertainty and so much more. I want to hate him for doing this to me, but I also want to fall into what he does make me feel. It’s a heavy burden for me.

  “Say it, Dez,” he challenges me. I shake my head as the heat of his hand races up my arm. A tear slides down my cheek as nod my head and bite my lip.

  “Yeah. You make me feel, Gauge, but fuck! Do you want to know what I feel?” He nods his head as if that wasn’t even a question. “I feel cheated. I feel used and useless. I feel like everything in my life has turned to shit in the matter of months. I hate my life. I hate my thoughts and most of all I hate that everyone around me hates me too.” Gauge flinch at my words. Truth can hurt. Mine always does.

  “You aren’t hated, Dezzy.”

  “No? Then you tell me why my dad slapped me? Tell me why he runs and hides when I’m around. Can you tell me that much?” His hand moves from mine, running through his hair instead. I miss the warmth, the stability that he provides when he’s near me.

  “He never wanted you in this life, Dezzy. You’re a target. He just wanted you safe.”

  “What a fucking lie. Come on, Gauge! I was here for years!”

  “I don’t know okay? He said that he never wanted you to get hurt! That he just wanted you to be safe, that’s all I fuckin’ know!” He roars as he shoves himself off the ground and storming away. I stand and follow closely behind him not at all done with this shit.

  “You said I was a junkie!” Gauge stops walking, his head dropping forward before he slowly turns to face me. There’s a mask in place to keep me out. I would know, I use them all the time with people.

  “Look at your hand, Dez,” he says his voice softening to a level I didn’t think he was capable of. I lower my head and gaze at the syringe before looking back up at him. I slowly lick my lips as he watches me, fire burning through those gorgeous blue eyes of his.

  “It’s all I’ve known. I want to be numb, Gauge. I want to never have to feel a fucking thing and this is the only way I know how to do that.” He shakes his head, his hand coming up to scratch the stubble on his jaw.

  “I thought I was doin’ a pretty damn good job helpin’ you out with that.”

  “Yeah? That’s all you were doing. What is this? What is this between us, Gauge? You want something more
than a good fuck now? You told me you could give me that, and at the time, it worked! What about after when I need something else?”

  I watch as he swallows hard, not sure what to say. That makes two of us. I’ve never relied on a person in my life. I’ve taken comfort in what the drugs can provide for me. They are always there when I need them and they don’t judge me. They don’t look at me with the look Gauge is giving me right now. They don’t talk back to me or make wish for things. They give me a numb comfort that washes everything else away. They take it all, if only for a while.

  “That’s what I thought. You can’t give me what I need just like I can’t be what you need. We aren’t meant to be more than a fuck, Gauge.” I start to walk away when I hear him huff out a breath. He knows I’m right. This is what we are to each other no matter how hard we try to think otherwise.

  “It doesn’t have to be that way,” he says catching my attention.

  “What do you want from, Gauge? Huh?” I scream throwing my hands out at my sides. He looks at me there is nothing, not one thing he can think of.

  “I don’t fuckin’ know, okay? I like bein’ around when you aren’t fucked out of your mind. I like touchin’ you, holdin’ you! I like that you speak your mind when you aren’t so fuckin’ high that you don’t know where you are! Goddamn it, Dezzy!” Gauge tugs at his hair, frustration clear in his eyes.

  I step toward him slowly, reaching up to touch his cheek while slipping the capped needle into my back pocket with the other hand. His hand comes to rest over mine like it did by the pool.