Gauge : SBMC Maryland

by Erin Trejo

  She’s giving me what I asked her for and it pisses me off that I can’t do the same. I kiss her back never the less. She needs to feel and I want to be the one to give her that regardless of my fuck ups.

  “My dad is going to see us,” she whispers trying to pull out my arms. I don’t let, I just hold on tighter.

  “Yeah, that talk already happened,” I insure her. She pulls back and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. I just chuckle.

  “He didn’t say anything?”

  “Oh, he had a lot to say, darlin’ but I said my part as well. Just like I told you, I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know if I should do this but for now, I can be here.”

  “I get it, Gauge, I do but if I’m trying, I expect the same from you,” she says. I let the idea of us roll around in this drunken head of mine but when I look into her eyes, I know she needs me.

  “I’ll try. I make no promises, Dez. I’m fucked up and the shit you do, I can’t deal with it.”

  “I know.”

  “So, no drugs. What are you gonna do now?” I tease her, running my lips along her neck.

  “I have an idea,” she whispers.

  “Tell me.”

  “I want you to take me to your room.”

  “You tired?” I tease her a little more.

  “I want you to make me feel, Gauge. I want to feel you all over my body. I want; no I need to feel the weight of you on top of me so that I know you’re real.” My cock responds pressing into her. Her mouth comes back to mine and I lose it. I stand in my drunken state and lift her in my arms, carrying her down the hallway. The taste of the beer on her tongue seeps into my pores.

  “Gauge,” she moans my name as I kick the bedroom door closed behind us. My lips dance over skin, sucking and licking and leaving my mark. Dez grinds against me and I nearly explode.

  “Tell me what you want, Dez,” I tell her when I pull back and set her on her feet. She looks up me with that heated stare making my heart melt a little more for her. I move to strip out of my clothes, grabbing a condom as I go. Dez strips slowly yet seductively in front of me. When she stands there naked, I suck in a breath. She’s perfect. She moves toward me, reaching for me. I grab her hand before she can touch me listening to the whine that escapes her throat.

  “Put the other one up there,” I tell her as I walk her back until she hits the wall. She raises her hand and I clasp it in mine with the other. I take a step back, keeping her arms above her head as I take her in.

  “So fuckin’ perfect,” I murmur before lowering my head and sucking her nipple into my mouth. I bite down hard, needing her let me in and help her. She gasps when I move to the other doing the same thing. I kiss between her tits and up her neck sucking her flesh back into my mouth. I know that I’m marking her skin, and for some fucked up reason it turns me on even more. Spinning her around, I press her body against the wall with mine, letting her hands free.

  “Tell me, Dez. Who can make you feel more than me?” I tease her ass with my cock listening to her moan and whimper.

  “No one.”

  “That’s not good enough. Who do you belong to?” I ask her, kicking her legs apart with one of mine.

  “You, Gauge,” she breathes.

  “Who’s gonna make you scream?” Shifting so I can get a grip on her ass, I grab it in my hands and yank her back away from the wall. I press my hand on her back, making her bend forward.

  “Keep your hands on that wall, Dezzy,” I warn her.

  She places her hands on the wall as I run my hands over her round ass. I groan as I look down at my hands on her body. Her perfectly soft flesh against my tattooed and scared hands. It’s the most erotic fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I lean over her back and kiss her shoulder loving the way she shivers from the contact. Dragging my tongue down her spine, I stop to suck her skin into my mouth. She whines and I can’t hold back anymore. I grip her hips and position myself right before I plunge into her. Holding her hips so tightly I know they’ll bruise, I thrust into her hard.

  “Who do you belong to, Dez?” I groan as I take her hard. He body bounces in my grasp and it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.

  “You, God, you!” She screams. I take her harder wanting every last drop of her until she has nothing more to give. I want it all. I roll my hips reaching around with one to find her clit. Slow gentle circles have her body trembling for me.

  “You wanna come, baby?” I flick her clit until she cries for me.

  “Yes.” She can barely manage to get the word out of her mouth when I thrust into her again. Each roll of my hips, each cry from her lips sends me further into the depths that I’m so fucking afraid of. I’ve been there before, hell I’m still there but I don’t think I can handle taking Dezzy along for the ride. Her body shakes in my grasp and I know she’s close. Circling her clit a little faster, she comes undone for me. Her body shudders as I stiffen behind her, breaking apart myself. We both pant from the exertion of it all. When I pull out of her, her knees nearly buckle. I let out a laugh and keep my other arm hooked around her. Dez shakily stands, her body collapsing against mine.

  “I think you killed me,” she giggles. I spin her around in my arms and kiss her. Resting my forehead against her, I sigh.

  “I wish I could give you the world, Dez. I’m sorry I can’t.”

  “Don’t be. You’ve giving me enough just being here with me.” Her words shove a dagger straight through my heart. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel the way she does.

  “Get in bed. I’m gonna clean up, yeah?”

  She smiles and presses a kiss to my chest, igniting a new fire in me. I watch as she climbs on the bed and snuggles under my blanket before I go into the bathroom. Removing the condom, I toss it in the trash and wash my hands. When I look up into the mirror, I’m not sure what I see anymore. I used to see the man I’ve become. The man who could kill and take a life without batting an eye. The man who thrived on someone else’s pain, and I guess in a sense I am still that man. I take pleasure in Dez’s pain but only when I’m the one dispensing it.

  Shaking off the dread I feel, I head back into the room to find Dez sound asleep. She looks perfect lying there in my bed. Something still nags at the back of my mind and it pisses me off. My phone rings and I grab it quickly so it doesn’t wake her.

  “Yeah?”

  “Hey, Gauge. I’m sorry to call you so late,” John says.

  “No, man. I’m up. What’s going on?”

  “She’s gone again. She left Violet alone and never picked Reba up from school. I don’t know much more I can take, man.”

  Fuck!

  “You lookin’ for her?”

  “Yeah. I’ll call you back when I know something.” The line goes dead along with my heart. I pull my clothes back on and head into the main room needing something to clear my damn head. That’s exactly what I find. Heading to the bar, the party is in full swing with people everywhere. I grab a bottle of Jack and take a long pull, adding to the Jose that’s already starting to leave my system. I walk over and drop onto the couch drinking until the fucking room blurs and I become just like, Dez.

  Numb.

  Twenty

  Dezzy

  I woke up to an empty bed but the music still blaring in the main room tells me the party is still going. Gauge must have gone back out there after I fell asleep. I climb out of bed and walk into the bathroom, starting the shower. I turn and look at myself in the mirror. The marks her left on my skin, the bruises in my hips. I run my fingers over every mark remembering how they got there and smile. I don’t think I’ve felt this good in a long time. Everything finally feels like it’s falling into place. The talk with my dad still lingers in my head and I can’t say that I’m mad at him. I’m not really anymore. He had his reasons, whether I agree with them or not. I respect the fact that he told me the truth though. That’s something I haven’t had from people in my life.

  I climb in the shower and wash, sniffing the body wash that smells
like Gauge. I smile as I finish up and climb out wrapping in one of his towels. When I get into his room, I grab his t-shirt and slip it over my head before grabbing my shorts and sliding them back on. With the biggest smile I’ve ever had, I walk into the main room. Glancing around, I don’t see him anywhere.

  “Hey, Angel. You seen Gauge?” She smiles at me and walks over, her gaze moving around the room. It’s not until her smile fades that I follow her line of sight. Gauge is on the couch on his phone and that bitch is in his lap, grinding against him.

  “What the hell?” I gasp.

  “He’s been drinking a lot, Dez. I’m sure it’s not what it looks like,” Angel tries to reassure me. He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying it, he seems to be concentrated on who he’s talking to.

  “That fucking bitch!” I scream so loud that people turn to stare at me. Tears fall down my cheeks when I see Gauge shove my mom off his lap and away from him. He heads toward the door but something must stop him. He turns his head and finds my teary gaze on his. I can see the struggle in his eyes, but when he turns and walks out the door, I fall to my knees and sob harder. Angel drops next to me throwing her arm around me and holding me.

  “He said he wouldn’t walk away from me. He’s just like everyone else,” I cry harder.

  “You were never good enough, Dezzy.” I hear her voice and cringe. Shoving to my feet, I push Angel away as I swipe at the tears on my cheeks.

  “What’s goin’ on?” my dad asks when he steps up next to us.

  “You know what? You are right. I was never good enough. I tried though didn’t I mom? I tried and you ruined it and fucked me over every time!”

  “Someone tell me what’s goin’ on?” my dad roars once more.

  “You left me in that jail cell,” she hisses.

  “You got me in there to begin with! What the hell?” I snap.

  “Your little boyfriend got us in there. He’s the one who turned on us so he could walk free,” she sneers.

  “My little boyfriend? He was yours when you were riding his cock!” She moves quickly, slapping me in the face. I move back after her throwing a punch that lands. She screams as blood gushes from her nose. I smirk, feeling very proud of myself.

  “You just messed up! Fuck the deal! I’m turning your ass in!” she squeals.

  “Hold the fuck on. What the hell is happenin’ here?” my dad screams again.

  “Why don’t you ask that whore! I guess some things never change, do they, Mom?”

  “I’m so done! All I’ve ever done was take care of you!”

  “No you haven’t. You’ve used me to get what you wanted. It worked, didn’t it? I brought in the guys, you got the drugs, and then fucked my boyfriends. God, I hate you,” I snap.

  “Right back at you!” She storms off toward the rooms as I look around me. Everyone stands there staring at me. The looks on their faces are ones that will haunt me the rest of my life.

  “She made you get with men?” my dad asks softly.

  “Wasn’t my finest hour.”

  “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Dez. I’m so goddamn sorry,” he says once more before trying to pull me into a hug. I swat his hand away and take a step back.

  “It’s what I am, right? I can’t change me!” Turning on my heel I run toward Gauge’s room. Throwing the door open, I glance around as tears fill my vision. I dig through all his drawers, throwing his clothes as I go. Nothing in the dresser.

  “It’s here, I know it is,” I say to myself.

  “You okay?” Shaft asks but I don’t listen. I’m on a fucking mission and I need to find that bag. I can’t handle this anymore. “Dez?”

  “Leave me alone. Just leave me the fuck alone!”

  Pulling the drawer on the nightstand open, I nearly cry in happiness at what I find. I pull the bag out and sigh before turning to make sure Shaft left. When I’m satisfied he’s nowhere near me, I leave Gauge’s room and peek down the hall. I don’t see anyone so I sneak down two doors to the prospect’s room. I slip inside unnoticed and continue my search. Digging through all his drawers, I know he has uppers and downers in here. I’ve seen him swallowing them. When I find them it’s like I hit the fucking lottery. I shove the pills in my pocket and sneak back into my own room.

  Back in my room I quickly shoot the heroin into my veins, giving myself a little extra boost before going out to the bar. All of the shit falls away and I’m ready to be around people again. Numb and uncaring.

  “You okay?” Shaft stands there eyeing me. I nod my head and grab a bottle of Jack from behind the bar.

  “I just want to be alone,” I tell him and everyone else within hearing distance. Shaft nods and backs away as does Remy and my dad. I walk out the back door and swallow big gulps of the Jack, loving how it burns on the way down. Pulling the pills out of my pocket, I toss them all in my mouth and wash them down with the Jack. I climb in the shallow end of the pool and sit on the steps looking up at the stars.

  “What did I do that was so wrong? Why is this what I’m left with?” Fresh tears fall down my cheeks splashing gently into the water below me. I tip the bottle to my lips and wait for the numbness that I know all too well to come and take me under.

  Twenty-One

  Gauge

  I’m a fucking mess. I’m half drunk and sped the whole goddamn way here. It isn’t until I see John standing there with his girls that I sober me up. I climb out of the truck and the two girls come racing toward me.

  “Uncle Gauge!” Their squeals of delight to see me sting worse than a stab wound. I don’t come around as much as I should and that’s on me.

  “You two are gettin’ so big. I can’t believe it. You should be in bed though,” I tell them both.

  “Daddy said we could say hi before we go to sleep.” I nod my head and walk up the sidewalk extending my hand to John.

  “Hear anything?”

  “Yeah. She’s over at that dope house,” he says keeping his tone low. My chest tightens as I run my hand through my hair. “I’m going to take the kids and leave, Gauge. I can’t do this anymore. I love your sister, I do, but I just can’t.” Tears fill his eyes and break my heart.

  “I know, man. Fuck, I know. I’m gonna take her to the hospital as soon as I get her out, John. I’ll call you and let you know. I get it that you need to go until she gets better. Just don’t shut her out, man.”

  “Gauge, I know what happened when you were kids. I don’t blame her, I really don’t. I just need the girls to be safe.”

  “I know but she’s gonna need you, John,” I remind him.

  He nods his head and slaps a hand on my shoulder before walking back inside. I blow out a breath and climb back in the truck and head toward the house she’s at. My sister is seven years older than me. She was more of a mother to me than mine ever was. We don’t see eye to eye and never really have. We aren’t close, but when John calls I come. She’s been addicted to coke since I was young. I remember her doing it all the time which is part of the reason I can’t handle seeing Dez the way she is.

  I drive in a trance like state until I see the house. Run down and littered with trash, only an old metal garbage can shining brightly from the fire burning in it. I jump out and stalk straight to the door; none of the junkies lying around bother to look over at me.

  Once I step inside, I cringe. The overwhelming smell of vomit and piss hit me hard. I don’t remember it being this shitty the last time I was here but that was years ago. I climb over trash, needles, and people until I see her in the corner, slumped against the wall. My insides crumble and fall apart as I look at her.

  “Jen, get up,” I say kicking at her foot. My blood boils to see what she’s done to herself. Pissed is an understatement. She knows better than this. She has kids to think about! When she doesn’t move, I lean down and grab her under her arms, yanking her up.

  “Stop ruining my high!” she snaps until she opens her eyes and sees it’s me. “You again?”

  “You left your kids for this shit? Hu
h? You wanna end up just fuckin’ like her? Dead? Is that it? Answer me!” I roar, shaking her small body in my hands. Her head bobs around but she just looks as pissed as I do.

  “What the fuck do you care, Gauge? Wasn’t this what we were always meant to be? Ever since we were little, this is all I’ve known!”

  “It doesn’t have to be! You have John, you have the girls. Fuck, Jen! You have me!” Lifting her body in my arms, I carry her out even though she tries to fight me. I hate it, I fucking hate everything about it and the worst part? I can see Dezzy in Jen’s eyes.

  “Put me the fuck down!” she roars as I stand her in front of the truck.

  “Do you even care that your girls are at home cryin’ for their momma?” She looks up at me with so much hatred. I’ve always known she hated me, hated that she had to be the one to take care of me. I never realized just how much until now.

  “I raised you! When did I get to be a kid, Gauge? When did I get to enjoy my life? I was always cleaning up her messes and taking care of you! Do you know how much I hate her?” Tears fill her eyes and there is nothing I can do to help her.

  “I hate her too, but you followin’ her down that path isn’t the option. Is that what you want for your girls?” I ask her, desperately needing her to understand.

  “Why do you care? You never cared before! You didn’t care that I had to clean you or feed you or take your ass to school. Fuck, I hate you as much as I hate her, Gauge! And you know why that’s fucked up?” I shake my head as my chest tightens.

  “Because I don’t hate you at all. I love you. You’re my brother and I fucked you up. I’m still fucking you up even to this day,” she cries harder, sobs shaking her body. I grab her and pull her into my chest, holding her tightly.

  “I love you too, Jen. You didn’t fuck me up, I fucked myself up, but you, you can fix this and be the mother we never had. You can take care of your girls and love them. You don’t have to be her. You don’t have to be Mom.” I nearly cry with her. If I were the crying type I would be, but after years of trying to be loved by a mom who was too hooked on drugs to care or mother me, I couldn’t find it in me.