Property of a Lady Faire: A Secret Histories Novel

by Simon R. Green

  “Well, there’s a kind offer,” I said, fighting to keep my voice calm and conversational. “But I think I’m going to have to decline. I don’t have the time right now.”

  “You don’t have a choice,” said Hadleigh.

  I gave him my best cold smile. “I think you’ll find I do, Hadleigh. I always have a choice. That’s what being a Drood is all about. Now, you’re worrying my girlfriend and terrorising the Doormouse, and I won’t stand for that. I think you should leave here, now. While you still can.”

  “Oh, Eddie,” said Hadleigh. “What fun we’re going to have, breaking you.”

  I armoured up, my golden strange matter encasing me in a moment. The Doormouse yelped and fell back several steps, looking quickly around for something to hide behind. Molly laughed out loud, shot Hadleigh the finger, and moved quickly to one side to give me room to work. I walked slowly towards Hadleigh, and the carpeted floor shook and shuddered under the weight of my armoured tread. Hadleigh looked into my featureless golden mask and didn’t budge an inch. He raised one milk white hand, and snapped his fingers imperiously. I stopped, and braced myself, but nothing happened. Hadleigh looked startled. He snapped his fingers again, the sound of it loud and forceful in the quiet, but still nothing happened. Molly laughed mockingly, behind me.

  “How very odd,” said Hadleigh. “That should have forced your armour back into your torc and put it to sleep. It worked on Droods before . . .”

  I grinned broadly behind my mask. A sudden new shot of confidence rushed through me, as I realised Hadleigh wasn’t up to date. He didn’t know about the new Drood armour. Didn’t know about Ethel, and her other-dimensional strange matter. Which meant he wasn’t infallible after all. Which was good to know. I started towards him again.

  Hadleigh thrust out an open hand, and it felt like I’d crashed into an invisible wall, stopping me dead in my tracks. I strained against it, with all the strength my armour could provide, but I couldn’t move an inch closer to the Detective Inspectre. I stopped trying, and looked at him. He was frowning with effort. I extruded a long, gleaming sword from my golden hand, concentrating on the edge until it was the sharpest thing I could imagine, and then swung it with both hands. The golden blade sheared clean through the invisible barrier, and there was the sound of a great glass pane shattering. I grinned again behind my faceless mask, and pulled the sword back into my hand. I raised one golden fist and showed it to Hadleigh. And then I raised thick golden spikes out of the knuckles and walked towards him.

  He thrust out his hand again, scowling with concentration, and it was like being struck in the chest by a mountain. It stopped me dead again, and it was all I could do to stay upright. Hadleigh thrust his hand at me, and this time my whole armour boomed, like a struck gong. I looked down at myself, and to my utter astonishment I saw long, slow ripples move across the surface of my armour. The kind you get when you throw a pebble into a pond. The ripples rose and fell in the surface of my armour, radiating out and then back again, until finally . . . they settled down, and disappeared. The surface of my armour was still again.

  I’d never felt anything like it before. My armour felt . . . shocked. But it was still there. It had survived. Bless you, Ethel.

  Hadleigh was looking at me oddly. As though he wasn’t used to having his will, or his power, defied. That made me feel good. I laughed at him.

  “That the best you’ve got, Detective Inspectre?”

  “Hell no,” said Hadleigh Oblivion.

  He started to raise his hand again, and Molly moved quickly forward to stand between him and me. I was expecting her to hit him with a handful of hellfire, or blast him with one of her storm winds . . . and I really didn’t think either of those old reliables would work this time. But instead, she raised her voice and said one commanding word.

  “Tree!”

  And just like that, out of nowhere, one of the great old trees from her primordial forest slammed into being, right in the middle of the Doormouse’s reception area. Its upper branches flattened against the high ceiling, while the rest spread out to fill the area. It brought the scent of wood and leaves and growing things with it, rich and overpowering, and its sheer presence dominated everything. Hadleigh just stood there and looked at it, openly bemused. For the first time he looked genuinely caught off balance. A squirrel came running down one of the long branches, to glare at Hadleigh with sharp, beady eyes. It had grey fur with a wide red-brown streak down its back and tail. It peered disapprovingly at Hadleigh, and then turned its head to wink at Molly.

  “Don’t you worry, girl!” it said loudly. “You get the hell out of here. We’ll slow him down for you, see if we don’t. Hey, rube!”

  Dozens of squirrels burst out of the leafy depths of the tree, scampering along its many branches. And every single one of them pelted Hadleigh with handfuls of nuts. Hundreds of them shot through the air, thrown with incredible force. Hadleigh started to say something, and then stopped as a nut hit him in the forehead with such force that even I winced. Hadleigh fell back a step in spite of himself, holding one arm up to protect his face, and a whole barrage of nuts hit him in the ribs, hard enough to knock all the wind out of him.

  The nut barrage intensified, filling the air. I didn’t know where the squirrels were getting them from, but not one missed its mark. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many angry squirrels in one place before. And I certainly don’t think I’ve ever seen a man look so surprised before. Molly grabbed my armoured arm.

  “You heard the squirrel! Let’s get the hell out of here!”

  “I have come around to your way of thinking,” I said. “Running is good.”

  “Sounds like a plan to me,” said the Doormouse.

  The three of us sprinted back through the door at the back of the reception area, and on into the Storeroom.

  • • •

  The Doormouse slammed the door shut and locked it with a barked command. He looked quickly around, at the long rows of standing Doors. I armoured down and looked at him, and then at the locked door.

  “Will that stop him?” I said.

  “Almost certainly not,” said the Doormouse. He looked at Molly. “You will get that Tree out of my reception area at some point, won’t you?”

  “It’ll go home when its job is done,” said Molly. “It was just the quickest way of summoning the squirrels. They’ve always had a soft spot for me. Don’t worry, they’ll disappear along with the Tree. Though it might take you a while to gather up all the nuts and get the squirrel shit out of your carpet.”

  The Doormouse looked at her, started to say something, and then thought better of it.

  “Why are we hiding in here?” I said. “Do you have a Door that can take us somewhere he can’t follow?”

  “No,” said the Doormouse. “But we should be safer, hidden among so many Doors. They impact on so many realities, just the sheer number of possibilities should help confuse Hadleigh. For a while.”

  “You really think we can hide from him?” said Molly.

  “I don’t know!” the Doormouse wailed plaintively. “This is the Detective Inspectre we’re talking about! Oh shit . . . Listen. He’s coming.”

  “Take us farther in,” said Molly. “Deeper among the Doors.”

  “There must be something here we can use,” I said.

  “Against him? Against Hadleigh Oblivion?” said the Doormouse.

  “Stop hyperventilating right now, or I will make you breathe into a paper bag,” I said sternly. “He thought he could take me, and he couldn’t. So he’s not unbeatable.”

  “Have you had an idea?” said the Doormouse, looking at me hopefully.

  “Not yet,” I admitted. “But I am working on it.”

  “Come on,” Molly said to the Doormouse. “Eddie’s a Drood, I’m the wild witch, and you’re a Master of Doors. Between us, we should be able to come up with something.”

  The Doormouse nodded quickly and scurried off between the rows of Doors. He stopped before
one, chosen apparently at random, and pulled it open. He gestured frantically to Molly, and she hurried through. I went after her. The Doormouse followed close behind, all but shoving me, and once we were all through he slammed the Door shut behind us.

  • • •

  Rows and rows of Doors stretched off into the distance, for as far as I could make out and quite a bit farther, but in front of us was just a blank wall, of so pure a white it was essentially colourless. The Doormouse worked frantically on a combination lock set into the Door, and then sighed heavily and stepped back.

  “There! I’ve just scrambled the spatial coordinates. No way he can follow us through that Door! We’re right at the extreme end of the Storeroom. Should take him a while to catch up with us. We’re as far away from Hadleigh as we can get and still be inside the House of Doors.”

  I looked at Molly. “Hadleigh Oblivion is pretty damned powerful, and maybe just a bit scary, but I still don’t like running from an enemy.”

  “I do!” said Molly. “When it’s the Detective Inspectre his own bad self in person, I am fully in favour of sprinting for the nearest horizon, and going to ground in a whole different reality! If you’d heard some of the stories I’ve heard, your heart would be jumping right out of your chest too.”

  “Really?” I said.

  “Yes! Really!”

  “Oh, come on,” I said. “We’ve faced down the Most Evil Man in the World! What makes Hadleigh so different?”

  “You haven’t been paying attention, have you, Eddie?” Molly stopped herself short, closing her eyes briefly as she fought for control. “Damn, I’m hyperventilating now. And that is not like me.”

  “No, it isn’t,” I said. “So if you’re that worried, I’m that worried.”

  “You should be,” said Hadleigh Oblivion.

  We all spun round, to find the man standing politely just a few feet away. He hadn’t come through the Door the Doormouse had blocked, and though I looked all around me, I couldn’t see any other Door standing open. Hadleigh didn’t seem to have been running. He wasn’t even breathing hard.

  “You’re getting on my tits,” I said to Hadleigh.

  He smiled. “I get that a lot.”

  “Shut up and run!” howled the Doormouse. He shot off between the hovering Doors, with Molly and me right on his furry heels. The Doormouse yanked open every Door he passed, revealing shifting views of a dozen different destinations, some of them quite definitely out of this world. I could hear Hadleigh behind us. I risked a glance back over my shoulder. He was just trotting along, not hurrying, not pushing himself, but still keeping up with us effortlessly. He was smiling, like he was just out for a pleasant afternoon run.

  The Doormouse looked back too, and saw that Hadleigh was ignoring all the opened Doors. The Doormouse barked a command at one Door, in a language I didn’t even recognise, and the Door swung open just as Hadleigh drew abreast of it. A blast of superheated flame shot out of the opening, as though the Door had opened onto the surface of the Sun. Hadleigh ran right through the terrible flames without even slowing. And came out the other side entirely unaffected. The Door slammed shut.

  The Doormouse yelled another command at another Door, and a great jet of water shot out, under intense pressure. As though this Door had opened somewhere deep under the Sea. And again, Hadleigh just ran on through the solid jet of water like it was a pleasant summer shower, and when he came out the other side he wasn’t even damp.

  The Doormouse yelled at another Door. It burst open, and a giant mutant killer bee flew out. Just the one, but so damned big it had to force its way through the opening. Twelve feet long from proboscis to stinger, and almost half as wide, with great flapping wings, a vast black and yellow body, and arched, spiky legs. And a buzz so deep it sounded like a roll of thunder. With its huge faceted eyes, it saw Hadleigh approaching, and its stinger pulsed in anticipation. Drops of poison fell from the stinger, to hiss and steam on the floor like acid. Hadleigh strolled right up to the bee without even pausing and punched it so hard in its oversized face that his fist slammed right through the skull and ended up arm-deep in the bee’s head. Its buzz shot up into a pained squeal, and its wings flapped hard as it tried to pull itself away. Hadleigh yanked out his hand, in a flurry of steaming ichor, placed his other hand flat on the bee’s distorted face, and pushed the creature firmly back through the Door. He then slammed the Door shut, and came after us again.

  The Doormouse made a high whining noise, of almost spiritual distress, and tried again. Another command opened another Door, and a freakishly long, thick, and warty tentacle shot out and wrapped itself around Hadleigh. The tightening coils stopped him in his tracks, but then shuddered suddenly. The tentacle withered and shrivelled away from the Detective Inspectre, falling to the floor in twitching coils. Hadleigh stepped easily out of them and carried on. The tentacle whipped back through the Door, and it slammed shut.

  I hadn’t realised how long I’d been running while looking back over my shoulder, until Molly stopped right in front of me and I crashed into her. The impact threw her headlong on the floor, hard enough to drive all the breath out of her. I had to pick her up and stand her on her feet again. Up ahead was another blank wall. Long rows of Doors still stretched away in every direction, but there was nowhere left to run.

  I looked behind me again. Hadleigh had slowed to a walk. He could see he had us cornered. I looked at the Doormouse, who was peering frantically this way and that, unable to make up his mind. He saw Hadleigh coming, pointed a stubby furred finger at the Door nearest Hadleigh, and shouted a single command.

  “Eat!”

  The Door flew open, and something behind it bellowed hungrily. Hadleigh paused, and looked into the opening. The bellow shut off abruptly, and the Door closed itself, almost apologetically. The Doormouse whimpered, and yelled a series of high-pitched commands. All the Doors between Hadleigh and the three of us opened at once. He walked steadily forward, and every single Door closed itself as he approached, ignoring the Doormouse’s increasingly hysterical commands.

  A Door appeared suddenly in the floor right in front of Hadleigh, dropping open like a trap-door. Hadleigh walked across the open space as though it wasn’t there, not even glancing down. Two Doors came flying forward out of nowhere at fantastic speed, on either side of Hadleigh, sweeping in like two great wooden flyswatters. Only to slam to a halt at the very last moment, as though they’d run into an invisible wall. I knew the feeling. Hadleigh looked at each Door in turn, and they vanished.

  “You’ll pay for that, Hadleigh Oblivion!” screamed the Doormouse. “Full price!”

  Molly stepped forward, rolled up her sleeves, and raised both arms in the stance of summoning. The Doormouse put a gentle paw on her shoulder.

  “Don’t,” he said, making a great effort to take command of himself again. “You haven’t got anything that could affect him. And the backlash . . . would be unpleasant. Nothing can stop him.”

  “Why?” I said, honestly baffled. “He’s just one man! What makes him so special?”

  The Doormouse leaned in close to me, fixing me with a terrible frightened gaze.

  “They say he’s realer than us.”

  While I was still trying to get my head around that, the Doormouse turned away and fiddled with the combination on the front of a nearby Door.

  “There,” he said quickly. “This will deliver you onto the Trans-Siberian Express. Somewhere along the Siberian route. Stick with the train until you feel the presence of the natural gateway. Then get off the train. You’ll have to jump; it doesn’t stop anywhere there. Don’t worry—you’ll know the gateway when you get close enough. Whether you want to or not. Now go! Best of luck, send me a postcard, don’t look back.”

  “No,” I said.

  “No?” said Molly, stopping just short of the Door. “Really?”

  “Really,” I said. “I’m not leaving you to face Hadleigh on your own, Mouse. I don’t leave friends in the lurch. Not even if the enemy
is the Detective bloody Inspectre. Just can’t do it.”

  “You’re crazy,” said Molly. “But you’re right. Running is one thing; running out on a friend is quite another. Don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “It’s Hadleigh Oblivion,” said the Doormouse, as though that was all the explanation anyone needed. And maybe he was right.

  I turned to face Hadleigh, armoured up, and crossed my golden arms over my armoured chest, blocking his way. Molly moved quickly in beside me, glaring at the Detective Inspectre unswervingly, stray magics spitting and sparking around her fists. The Doormouse hid behind us. Hadleigh strolled forward, crossing the remaining space like we were just good friends meeting in the park. He was still smiling easily, not in the least affected by anything he’d been through. He finally came to a halt, an acceptably respectful distance short of me. He looked my armour over like he was thinking of renting it, and then ignored me to smile coldly at Molly.

  “Step away from the Drood, witch,” he said. “You can’t protect him. If you even try . . . I’ll have you banned from the Nightside. I might even have you banned from your own private forest. Don’t think I couldn’t.”

  “Nuts,” said Molly, and his smile flickered for a moment.

  I took a step forward, and his dark eyes turned immediately to me. I unfolded my arms and let him see my spiked golden fists.

  “You really shouldn’t have done that,” I said. “No one threatens my Molly and gets away with it.”

  Hadleigh started to say something, and I lunged forward and took hold of his throat with one golden hand. He grabbed at my wrist with both hands, and then his eyes widened as he found he couldn’t break my grip and he couldn’t get his breath. His lips moved soundlessly, and strange energies flared all around my armour, but none of them could touch me. He summoned forces and powers to batter and assault me, until reality itself seemed to ripple around me, but none of them could reach me. He fought me with everything he had, and it wasn’t enough.