Cam Girl

by Leah Raeder

  “That’s your logic? That’s like mercy killing.”

  “Sometimes we have to hurt the people we love to spare them a greater hurt.”

  “You caused more pain than anyone.” I downed my drink in a big gulp. “Ellis is the best person I’ve ever met. The smartest, kindest. The most compassionate. Every day I’m grateful she got away before you psychos destroyed her.”

  Katherine drummed her fingers on the mug rim. “I see what she likes in you. Tough life, hard attitude. Classic bad boy, but with a woman’s heart.”

  My face went warm. “Don’t even. You don’t know either of us.”

  “You think we’ve been cruel, evil fairy-tale parents.” She took a leather folio from her purse and pushed it at me. “Look.”

  Bank letterhead, columns of numbers. “What is this?”

  “She refuses to take a dime of our money. We know she’s been struggling. I hired someone to watch her, to make sure she doesn’t starve or get assaulted on the street. That’s how cruel I am.” Katherine tapped a number. “She wouldn’t accept our help, so we set up a trust in her grandmother’s name. Drew up convincing-looking documents. A surprise inheritance. Nothing to do with us. She took it, but donated the bulk to charity. What little she kept she’s been spending on bizarre purchases. Jewelry, dresses. Things she never cared for.”

  Automatically, I touched the ruby earrings I wore. Katherine’s eyes tightened.

  “I’m not here to pay you off, Vada. But I know you want her to be happy. She wants you to be happy, too.”

  “So what the hell do you want?”

  “To give you a letter of recommendation. I’m a patron of the arts, and I have pull with several admission boards on the East Coast. Choose a graduate school, and I’ll ensure you can go.” She closed the folder. “Alone.”

  (—Bergen, Vada. This Is How I Lose You. Pencil on paper.)

  “I took her mom up on the offer,” I said. “My family’s broke. I’ve fought for everything I have. But honestly, part of me wanted to get away from Red, too.”

  SoBlue: you wanted her out of your life?

  “No. The exact opposite. I wanted her in my life, in every way, just . . . not in some kind of official relationship. And she hated that.” I sighed. “Not that it mattered, because I couldn’t leave without her. I was halfway through packing when I broke down and begged her to come with. Funny thing was, she was planning to follow me anyway. So we left together. Her mom was pissed. She throws money at Red sometimes, trying to woo her back. But Red won’t leave me. For a while it was nice, being here on our own. I thought I could do it. You know, be with her, officially. Then things got all messy and fucked-up again.”

  SoBlue: why not an official relationship?

  “Because I really didn’t want to sit down and have the ‘Am I a lesbian now?’ talk with myself, okay? I’d never even had a serious boyfriend. How could I know what I wanted yet?”

  SoBlue: i don’t think liking girls is what bothers you.

  SoBlue: it’s falling in love with one.

  “It was never an issue before. I knew I was bi, but—maybe I internalized this from my mom, but I always thought of being bi as something that would turn off when I married a man. Then I met Red and my head filled with all these crazy thoughts. Like, ‘What if I end up with a girl instead of a guy? What does that make me?’ ”

  SoBlue: the same person, in love with a girl.

  I squeezed the pillow. “You are so male. It’s so fucking simple for you.”

  SoBlue: it really is that simple.

  SoBlue: no matter who you are.

  “That’s not how girls work, Blue. Our minds are different from yours.”

  SoBlue: you have some hang-ups about gender, morgan.

  “Please. Red is the biggest tomboy, and it never bothered me. Like, wears men’s underwear and gets male haircuts and stuff.”

  SoBlue: you don’t have a problem with masculinity.

  SoBlue: your problem is with femininity.

  This seemed totally absurd, so I just stared at the screen, baffled.

  SoBlue: look, i don’t want this to come off as mansplaining.

  SoBlue: but i think it’s red’s femininity that disturbs you.

  SoBlue: you’re fine with the masculine side of her.

  SoBlue: that’s why you liked her cross-dressing.

  SoBlue: you probably like being read as a straight couple in public.

  SoBlue: it’s when you think of her as a girl that you freeze up.

  SoBlue: and start making it about you.

  SoBlue: “what if i end up with a girl?”

  SoBlue: “am i a lesbian now?”

  “Okay, Dr. Blue. What does it all mean?”

  SoBlue: you see things in a binary way.

  SoBlue: feminine or masculine.

  “Rojo o Azúl.”

  SoBlue: red or blue.

  SoBlue: clever.

  SoBlue: it’s not surprising.

  SoBlue: spanish is a heavily gendered language.

  SoBlue: and language shapes culture.

  SoBlue: maybe you’ve absorbed some ideas about gender without realizing.

  I frowned.

  Pajarito rojo. Little red bird. En español, the feminine forms of adjectives almost always end in a, not o. I never questioned why I used masculine forms with her—it just seemed to fit better.

  SoBlue: are you having a linguistic epiphany?

  “Shut up. So what’s your diagnosis, doctor?”

  SoBlue: mild femmephobia.

  SoBlue: it’s a real thing. you can look it up.

  SoBlue: treatment plan:

  SoBlue: stop being such an asshole.

  I snorted.

  SoBlue: and stop being so tough.

  SoBlue: let your guard down sometimes.

  SoBlue: i think your own femininity scares you.

  SoBlue: makes you feel weak, when it shouldn’t.

  SoBlue: it’s part of your strength.

  SoBlue: you got into camming because it lets you control your feminine side, and how people react to it.

  SoBlue: lets you explore it in a safe, compartmentalized way.

  SoBlue: take that to the real world.

  SoBlue: your real self.

  “How are you more of a feminist than I am?”

  SoBlue: what can i say.

  SoBlue: i’m in touch with my feminine side.

  “You are, aren’t you?”

  And it’s sexy as fuck.

  Who the hell are you?

  SoBlue: there’s that look on your face.

  SoBlue: you want to tell me something.

  “Good eye.”

  At this point he knew enough details of the accident that he could find me anyway. But I wanted it to come from me, willingly.

  “Blue, my real name is Vada Bergen. I live in Maine, near Portland. I’m twenty-three.”

  SoBlue is typing . . .

  Nothing. No send.

  “You promised you’d hit Enter for me.”

  SoBlue: why are you telling me this

  “Because I want to be real. My boss told me to stop the private chats with you. I can’t be exclusive anymore.”

  SoBlue is typing . . .

  “Press fucking Enter, Blue.”

  SoBlue: vada don’t do this

  My heart leaped, seeing him write my real name for the first time.

  I typed my phone number into the chat.

  “That’s my cell. You can call it, text it, whatever.” I was shaky but the more I revealed, the calmer I felt. “I want to meet you. In real life.”

  SoBlue: stop.

  SoBlue: you’re off-kilter tonight.

  SoBlue: it’s the catharsis. it makes you feel high.

  SoBlue: you don’t mean what you’re saying.

  “I mean it with my whole heart. Meet me.”

  SoBlue: vada.

  Again my breath caught.

  SoBlue: this isn’t right.

  SoBlue: you’re conflict
ed about your friend.

  SoBlue: you’re forcing yourself into making a decision between us.

  His words struck hard.

  “Don’t you get it, Blue? This is over. We can’t be exclusive anymore. And I don’t want to lose you. I want to meet you and see if this is real.” My body tensed. “Tell me your first name.”

  SoBlue: this is a mistake.

  “Tell me your name.”

  SoBlue: i can’t.

  “Why?” I said, but I knew.

  Because I already knew him.

  SoBlue: i don’t want to lose you, either.

  SoBlue: but i will.

  “Man up, Blue. Show me who you really are.”

  SoBlue: you already know who i am.

  I swallowed. Tried to speak but my voice failed. Instead I typed.

  Morgan: when I think about you

  Morgan: I think of this painting by Magritte

  Morgan: called The Lovers

  Morgan: a man and a woman are kissing

  Morgan: but their heads are covered by cloth

  Morgan: they’re kissing through it

  Morgan: but they can’t see or feel each other

  Morgan: that’s us, Blue

  Morgan: hiding our true faces

  Morgan: touching each other through this digital veil

  SoBlue: you see the veil as obscuring.

  SoBlue: i see it as freeing.

  SoBlue: we can be ourselves without preconceptions.

  It can’t be you, I thought. You can’t be the person I think.

  I’ll prove it.

  Morgan: this is the last night you get to see me like this

  Morgan: it’s over

  Morgan: our little online romance

  Morgan: you gave me an ultimatum once, so here’s mine

  Morgan: either meet me irl or we’re done

  SoBlue: i’m not ready.

  Morgan: readiness is an illusion, Blue

  Morgan: remember?

  SoBlue: this will change things between us.

  SoBlue: irrevocably.

  Morgan: I don’t care

  Morgan: do you really feel something for me, or not?

  Morgan: because I feel something for you

  Morgan: if you care about me, prove it

  Morgan: no more secret online bullshit

  Morgan: meet me

  Morgan: let me see your face

  Morgan: let me hear your voice

  Morgan: show me that you’re real

  Now I was in Ellis’s shoes, pressing someone to choose. To commit.

  Thanks for the karmic payback, universe.

  SoBlue: vada.

  SoBlue: okay.

  SoBlue: okay. we can meet.

  A tingling wave washed through me. I slumped against the headboard, tension ebbing.

  “No bullshitting,” I said. “No putting this off.”

  SoBlue: when?

  “Next weekend,” I said on a whim.

  SoBlue: where?

  I thought of Dane. “Boston.”

  SoBlue: okay.

  “Okay.”

  I felt like I’d been holding my breath for hours. I was light-headed.

  SoBlue: i have one condition.

  “You’re putting a condition on my ultimatum?”

  SoBlue: yes.

  SoBlue: it’s non-negotiable.

  SoBlue: you’ll understand when you hear it.

  “So let’s hear it.”

  This time, he surprised me.

  SoBlue: i want you to bring red.

  * * *

  Warmth moved against my face. I blinked into the too-bright light. Ellis sat on the edge of the hotel bed, brushing my hair back.

  “What happened to waiting up?” she said.

  “A forty-ounce.”

  She smiled. “I drank too much, too.”

  “Kiss any cute gay boys?” I pulled her closer. “You smell like a Diesel store.”

  She laughed and pushed me away but I held on. Somehow we got tangled up, rolled across the mattress till we lay side by side. Still in her guy getup. Through the blur filter on my brain I thought: tell her, tell her, tell her.

  “Did you find Sergio?”

  “Yeah.” She kept combing her fingers through my hair. “He’s really nice. We talked a long time. He wanted to open up to someone.”

  “What’d he say?”

  “Exactly what we expected. Ryan liked boys.”

  “That’s it?”

  She shrugged.

  “There has to be more.”

  “He got bullied. Even Max couldn’t stand it.”

  I frowned. “Max isn’t homophobic. He’s never had a problem with me.”

  “It’s different when it’s your own kid. Trust me.”

  True enough. Mamá didn’t bat an eyelash at my best friend being gay, but my casual hookups with girls kept her up at night.

  “So what happened at the dance?” I said.

  “Ryan probably came out.”

  “But how? Did he kiss some guy? The way people were freaking out—”

  “Vada, what are you hoping to find?”

  “I don’t know. The final puzzle piece. Something that makes the whole picture make sense.”

  “You always want things to be epic. Sometimes even a tragedy is just ordinary.”

  Lamplight skimmed the side of her face, the clean line of her jaw, the angled hollows. Her lips were soft and lily pink, girlish. Eyes narrowed, framed by long lashes. In her boy clothes she seemed like someone entirely strange and entirely familiar at once.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “It’s like I’ve never seen you before, Ellis.”

  I pushed her down to the bed. Her shirt smelled like musky cologne and crisp autumn woods and her, just her, and I couldn’t get enough. I drank her in. At some point the hand resting innocently beneath her back pulled her shirt loose, sought skin, and the mouth breathing against her ear kissed it, her lobe hot between my lips. Then it was really happening. Legs intertwined and shirts riding up, bellies touching, soft on soft. She pulled my hips to hers and I groaned into her neck. I slipped my tongue into her ear, breathed so she felt the heat through my saliva, then the flash of coolness. She arched against me, grabbed my ass in both hands.

  “I want you,” I whispered. “I’m ready for this.”

  We twisted across the bed till she rose over me, pinning my wrists.

  “Why now? Why all of a sudden?”

  “It’s not sudden.” My left arm was stronger than hers and I jerked free, looped her waist, pulled her closer. “It feels like stones being laid on my chest every day. Small, and only a few each time, but I can barely breathe anymore. I need oxygen. I need you.”

  “Did something happen?”

  “Will you just fucking kiss me?”

  She took my face between her palms. Her mouth was bittersweet, amaretto and crème de cacao. She kissed lightly at first but when I bit her lip and opened wider she thrust her tongue inside, her body tensing, coiling against mine. So fucking hot when she was aggressive. She held me down, kissed me so hard and deep my mouth felt fucked. With my free hand I squeezed her ass, the back of her thigh. Slid between them. Gripped the crotch of her jeans.

  Ellis went still, breathing hard. “Vada.”

  “What?”

  “Are you thinking about me, or him?”

  Idiot, drunken me hesitated.

  She disentangled herself. Left the bed.

  “Ellis, wait.”

  I caught her at the bathroom door. She tried to slam it in my face but I slapped my weak palm against it, crying out in pain.

  “Oh god,” she said. “Sorry. Did I—”

  I shoved her into the bathroom. Bashed the light switch and flicked the fluorescents on. This time I was the tiger in the cage.

  I was on her before she could react, my fingers fumbling at shirt buttons. I popped one on accident and the rest on purpose.

  “Take your fucking clothes of
f,” I said.

  “Why, so you can see how much of a girl I am? So you can be disappointed?”

  “I want you to fuck me.”

  “You want Blue to fuck you.” She raked her hands through her hair. “This is like that night all over again. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s changed at all.”

  You do remember, I thought. But how much?

  She glanced wildly around the bathroom, panicking. Settled on the shower. Stepped inside.

  “What are you doing?” I said.

  “Making this feeling stop.”

  Ellis wrenched the water on, ice cold. She gasped but didn’t recoil.

  “You’re crazy,” I said. “Get out of there.”

  Her hair turned blood-dark, smashing against her eyes. Her clothes twisted heavily around her limbs.

  “Ellis.” I moved closer. “Goddammit.”

  I stepped in with her, shuddering when the water hit. It felt more like electric shock than cold. My shaking arms rose, hands skidding over her wet face.

  “What are you doing?” she said, echoing me.

  “Being crazy with you.”

  If there’s a better definition of love than mutual benevolent insanity, I haven’t heard it.

  My tee and panties were instantly soaked. I put my arms around Ellis, craving the heat of her body. She looked at me a moment and then kissed me again, less desperate, more a gentle inevitability, a slow fire. In the end, Atlantis didn’t drown. It sank beneath the waves and burned into red ash.

  Ice water jetted down on us but all I felt was her. Warm skin gliding against me. Wet hair splaying across our faces, catching in our mouths as we kissed. She pressed me up against the tiles, her hands in my sopping shirt, on my breasts. Thumbs brushed my nipples. One hand ran down my belly, between my legs, and I parted them for her, my limbs curling around her helplessly like closing petals when she pressed into that heat. She touched me through my panties. Gripped my jaw and raised my face, made me look at her while her finger pushed harder, harder, then inside. When I cried out water filled my mouth, steely, tinged with rust. She tilted my face into the stream, fingered me through wet cotton. I pulled her mouth to mine but she broke the kiss.

  “Did you talk to him tonight?” she said.

  “Yes.”

  “Did you tell him it’s over?”

  I didn’t answer and she put a hand on my breast, pinched the hard nipple through my shirt. I let her. I took her finger deeper. I wanted this so much, so much.

  “Answer me.”

  “No. I didn’t.” My head rocked against the wall. The only thing that was over was this. “I asked him to meet me in real life, Ellis.”