If I Fall

by Anna Cruise

  She laughed and waved me away. “Yeah, right.”

  I practically skipped back to my room, shut the door, grabbed my phone off the nightstand and texted Aidan that I was in for Friday.

  He called two minutes later. “We're good?”

  “Well, sort of,” I said and explained to him what I'd managed to negotiate.

  “Ah,” he said, not bothering to hide his lack of excitement. “OK.”

  “I know it's not perfect,” I said, the short gust of wind in my sails from feeling like I'd won something with Sara now completely gone. “But at least I can go out, right?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “Absolutely.”

  “You don't sound thrilled.”

  He cleared his throat. “Well, I mean, it's not what I was hoping for, you know?”

  “Well, me either. But it's the best I can do for now.”

  “Alright, well, we'll figure it out,” he said. “Hey, I gotta roll. I'll call you later.”

  I set the phone down on the bed. I felt like I really had won a mini-victory with Sara, convincing her to let me get out on Friday. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was something, more than I'd gotten from her since she'd moved in. I'd taken a risk and thought I'd come away with somewhat of a win.

  But Aidan had made it seem as if I'd lost completely.

  I leaned back on my pillows and hugged my knees to my chest. I knew he didn't totally understand. He did what he wanted at his house, his mother completely oblivious to what he did and allowing seemingly everything. There was no one looking over his shoulder, checking on him. I knew he liked that.

  And I had, too, and I'd certainly taken advantage of it. But what was I really supposed to do? Just openly defy my aunt and walk out the door and ignore the rules she was placing on me? I knew her. I knew she wouldn't allow that. She'd tie me up in my own room if she had to.

  So I knew he didn't understand. But it hurt me that he didn't seem to even try to understand, to think about what it was like to be me for a minute, having to deal with all of the crap that had been dumped in my life.

  And it didn't surprise me at all that he didn't call later, either.

  TWENTY FOUR

  “You want me to do what?” Jada asked.

  It was the next morning before school and I'd purposely gotten there early to wait at her locker. I'd spent half the night awake, trying to figure out how to swing Friday night. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I had to talk to Jada. If anything went wrong, I'd need her to cover for me and the only way I could do that was to talk to her. She hadn't bothered to hide her surprise when she saw me waiting for her.

  “There's a party,” I said. “That I really want to go to with Aidan. And Sara won't let me go.”

  She frowned. “Your aunt?”

  I nodded.

  “Why your aunt?” she asked, opening her locker. “What does she matter?”

  “My mom,” I said, realizing just how long it had been since Jada and I had really talked. “She, um, went to rehab. My aunt is staying with me.”

  Jada looked at me, stunned. “Jesus, Meg. I'm sorry. I didn't know.”

  I shrugged. “I know. Not your fault. If anyone's, it's mine. I've been...absent.”

  She stared at me but didn't say anything. Her stony silence stung more than any words she could've said to me.

  “So, anyway,” I said, uncomfortable with the silence hanging between us. “I've been stuck in the house with her since she moved in. She won't let me do anything. And I really want to go to this party on Friday night. The only way I could convince her to let me out of the house was to tell her I was going to your house.”

  She pulled a book from her locker, shut the door and put her hand on the combo lock. “So what exactly do you want me to do?” Her tone was hesitant.

  “Nothing, really,” I said. “I guess I just wanted you to know. That's all. She's gonna drop me off at your house and pick me up there. I'll just meet her outside.”

  She nodded slowly and locked the lock. She hugged the book to her chest and leaned against her locker. “Meg, is it OK if I ask you something?”

  It wasn't, but I said “Sure.”

  “I'm not goody-goody,” she said. “You know that. And I have no trouble doing something that might get me in some trouble once in awhile. We've done stuff before, right?”

  I nodded but I couldn't really think of anything. At least anything that compared to all the things I was currently doing.

  “But this...” She frowned, then stared at me. “Is he really worth all of this?”

  “All of what?”

  “Lying to your aunt,” she said. “Losing your friends. Being his little tag-along.”

  Heat rushed into my face. “Hey, Carter and Logan are the ones who don't seem to want me around anymore. Anytime I see them, I hear what they say.”

  “Yeah, because you just bailed us,” she said. “I'm not saying they aren't being jerks, but...you just bailed us. For him. And now you want to lie to your aunt just to go to some party with him? No offense, but this doesn't sound anything like you.”

  I looked away from her. I was wrong. Her words stung more than the silence.

  “You forgot the part about me being a tag-along,” I said bitterly.

  “Well, that isn't like you, either, Meg,” she said. “I'm not trying to be hateful...”

  “Too late.”

  She waited a moment, then nodded. “OK. I'm sorry. I just don't get it. None of us do. And you wanna know the weird part?”

  “Not really.”

  “You're never smiling,” she said. “It would be one thing if you looked happy when you were with him. But every time I see you? You don't look very happy.”

  My cheeks burned as the bell rung. People shuffled around us, hustling to get to their first class.

  Jada finally shrugged her shoulders. “Whatever, Meg. Tell her you're coming over. It's fine. Let me know if you need anything else.”

  She walked away before I could say thank you.

  TWENTY FIVE

  Aidan was already on the weed patch when I got outside for lunch. Scotty was stretched out across from him like usual and Lauren was between them, poking at a salad in a plastic container.

  I sat down next to Aidan. “Hey.”

  He smiled at me. “Hey yourself.”

  Lauren gave a half-hearted wave and Scotty just laid there.

  “I got it figured out,” I said. “For Friday.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? You can stay out the whole night?”

  I bit my lip, then shook my head. “No. I meant I talked to Jada and it's cool if I use her as an excuse to get out of the house.”

  The eyebrow dropped. “Oh, right. OK. Cool.”

  Scotty snorted and was shaking his head.

  “What?” I asked.

  He raised his head up. “What what? Nothing.”

  “So what? A bee flew up your nose or something?”

  He frowned.

  “If you've got something to say, just say it,” I said.

  He stared at me for a long moment, in a way that seemed anything but friendly, then laid his back down on the grass.

  “It's cool,” Aidan said, his hand covering mine. “If that's all you can manage then we'll deal.” He leaned over and kissed me. “We'll deal.”

  For a moment, the anger and frustration I'd felt for most of the day was gone, his lips taking it right out of me. All felt right in the world again.

  “You'll pick me up at Jada's?” I asked.

  His hand tightened around mine. “I'll pick you up anywhere.”

  And just like that, everything felt right again. He was touching me, focusing on me, being the way he'd been since we'd been together. It didn't matter that his friend was being a jerk or that I'd lied to my aunt. He was paying attention to me and that was what I wanted. What I needed.

  “I'll work on the times,” I said. “To get picked up. I'll see if I can have her drop me off and then you can grab m
e there.”

  “Cool,” he said, grinning at me.

  “You wanna meet me after school?” I said, whispering into his ear. “You could come home with me.”

  Something flashed through his eyes that I couldn't read, but he nodded. “Yeah. Totally.”

  “Meet you at your car?”

  He kissed me. “I'll be waiting.”

  So I spent the rest of the afternoon daydreaming in my classes, tuning out the voices that bored me to tears and instead spent the time thinking about what I'd be doing with Aidan after school. And Friday night. And who knew when else.

  The only problem was he didn't show up after school.

  I'd chucked my books in my locker and rushed out to the senior parking lot. I looked in the usual spot for his car, but didn't see it. I wandered the lot for a moment, but it wasn't huge.

  I didn't see his car anywhere.

  I pulled out my phone and called him.

  No answer.

  I texted him.

  No answer.

  I stood there for a moment, watching people stream around me and cars tear out of the lot. I kept expecting him to pop out of the school and tell me he'd parked his car somewhere other than the senior lot. But the more I looked, the bigger the knot got in my stomach.

  He wasn't coming.

  “You alright?” a voice asked.

  I turned around. “Oh, hi Dez. Yeah. I'm OK.”

  “You sure?” she asked, adjusting the bag on her shoulder. “You look kinda...I don't know.”

  “Just looking for Aidan.”

  “Ah,” she said, glancing around the parking lot. “I haven't seen him. Sorry.”

  “It's OK.”

  “He's like that,” she said.

  “Like what?”

  She shrugged, one corner of her mouth turned up into a smile. “A little...forgetful. Spacey. Just a guy, more than anything.”

  I nodded. “I guess.”

  She studied me for moment. “You like him?”

  I hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, I like him.”

  “I mean, like, like him like him?”

  I didn't know what the right answer was.

  “I mean, you seem really into him,” Dez continued. “And that's cool. He's just...just Aidan, I guess.”

  I watched a car go past, music booming from the windows.

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  She adjusted the bag on her shoulder again and jingled the car keys in her hand. “You seem really nice, OK? And it's not really any of my business. But Aidan...he doesn't usually hang out with nice girls.”

  I bristled at her judging me. “He hangs out with you. And with Lauren.”

  She chuckled, nodding. “Exactly.”

  We stood there, an awkward silence hanging between us.

  “Look, I don't mean it like it's uncool or whatever,” she said. “I really don't. I'm just saying he's normally into...different girls.”

  “You mean like girls who don't get grounded and have to sneak out of the house?” I said.

  She made a face. “Sorry. I wasn't trying to start anything. You really do seem nice.” She blinked at me a couple of times. “You just might want to be careful with Aidan, alright? That's all I mean. He's never really been boyfriend material and I'm not sure that's gonna change anytime soon.”

  What was it with his friends and their way of not being able to say what they seemed to want to say to me? First Scotty, now her.

  “Are you trying to tell me something?” I asked. “Because if you are, I wish you would just say it.”

  She spun the keys on her index finger, then caught them in her hand and squeezed them. “I'm just saying you seem nice, Meg. That's all. I'll see you later.”

  I watched her walk the length of the lot and climb into an old Toyota sedan. The car sputtered to life and seemed to barely make it out of the lot before it surged a little toward the street, disappearing around the corner.

  The lots were nearly empty now and the stream of people from the school had slowed to a trickle.

  I checked my phone again.

  Nothing.

  TWENTY SIX

  “OK, so I'm making a small addendum to our agreement for Friday night,” Sara said, pointing a forkful of lettuce at me.

  “We already made our deal,” I said, crunching on a crouton. “You can't take it back.”

  She shoved the lettuce in her mouth, chewed and pointed the fork at me again. “I'm not taking it back. I'm adding on to it.”

  I wanted to tell her that maybe I didn't need to go to Jada's after all. Aidan still hadn't called or texted since school had ended. The last time I'd talked to him was at lunch. So I had no idea what the hell was going on.

  “I talked to your dad today,” she said.

  I didn't say anything.

  “And he wants to see you,” she said. “I think it's a good thing. You need to try.”

  “I thought you were on my side.”

  “I am,” she said. “But this isn't like you've got some deadbeat dad who doesn't want to spend time with you. Your dad does want to spend time with you. And you need to spend time with him. And his wife.”

  “No, I don't.”

  “Yes, you do,” she said, jabbing the fork in the air in my direction. “He's your dad. She's his wife. You need to find a way to coexist.”

  “I'm doing just fine without him.”

  She set the fork down on her plate and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Well, regardless of what you think, you're going to spend some time with him. Without breaking anything and without running off.”

  I sighed, but didn't say anything. Talking to him on the phone was one thing. But spending time with him – and with her – was another.

  “So, the addendum to Friday is that you're going to go have dinner with him tomorrow night,” she said, standing from the table.

  “Tomorrow? No.”

  She nodded. “Yep, tomorrow. And you're gonna deal and be a big girl, even if it drives you crazy.”

  I looked down at my plate and suddenly felt ill. I pushed my chair back from the table. “Why do you care so much?”

  She set her dish in the sink. “Because your mom is in a rough spot and I'll be totally honest with you, Meg. I'm not sure how she's gonna come out of all this.”

  The words hit me like a bat to the stomach. It wasn't that I hadn't thought about that before, that maybe my mom wasn't going to be capable of being a parent. But hearing them said out loud by someone else somehow made them more real, more threatening.

  Sara came back over to the table and sat down. She folded her hands on the table top. “I'm not trying to scare you, Meg. But I feel like I should be honest. Your mom...she's been dealing with this stuff for as long as I can remember. She's had good periods and she's had bad periods. But right now?” A grim expression settled on her face. “She's bottomed out. Badly. And I know I'm not telling you anything you probably haven't already figured out. But she's bottomed out.”

  I shifted in the chair, uncomfortable, hearing words I didn't want to hear.

  “And the bottom line may be that she isn't going to be fit to be a parent for awhile,” Sara said. “Just because she gets through rehab doesn't mean she's going to be ready to come back here and be a competent parent.”

  “But that's why you're here,” I said quietly.

  She nodded. “It is. For now. But let's be honest. Your dad wants a relationship with you. And up until the divorce, he was your dad every day. Maybe not super dad out of a TV show, but still your dad. He can financially provide for you. He's in a position to be your parent if your mom can't be.”

  “I'd rather live with you.”

  She smiled, but it was more sad than happy. “I know. And I'll stay as long as I'm needed. But I think your dad would like to have a role here. He's worried about you. And when push comes to shove, I'm just your aunt. He's your dad. He gets final say.”

  My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I didn't reach for it. Her words were
rolling over me like an ocean wave and I couldn't come up for air.

  “So,” Sara said, taking a deep breath. “You need to start spending some time with your dad and with Cheri. Not move in or anything like that. But you need to spend some time with them.”

  I swallowed hard. “Does my dad know about this?”

  She nodded. “He called me today. We talked for almost an hour. Believe it or not, Meg, he does miss you. And he's not looking to force the issue.” She paused. “He just wants to spend time with you and see if you guys can't figure some things out.”

  “You mean he wants me spend time with Cheri,” I said, my stomach rolling.

  She hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah. He does. Because whether or not you agree or disagree or whatever, she's a part of his life now, too. She's not going away.”

  “Until he ditches her like he did Mom,” I said.

  Sara held up her hands. “Hold up. Your dad did not ditch your mom. You know that.”

  I didn't say anything.

  “Look, your mom is my sister and I love her.” She closed her eyes. “But she had issues, Meg. Has issues. And your dad tried—for a really long time. He's not at fault here. He might not have been the best husband in the world but he wasn't the one to walk away from their marriage. Your mother did. Years ago. She just didn't take the final step like he did.”

  I didn't want to hear it. It was far easier to picture Cheri as the marriage wrecker than the truth.

  “And he's found someone, someone who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Cheri isn't going anywhere. So, yes. He wants you to at the very least get to know her. But, ultimately, I think he just misses you and wants time with you.”

  The phone vibrated again in my pocket. “What if I don't want to go?”

  “Then Friday is out,” she said matter-of-factly. “And you'll probably have to see your dad at some point this weekend anyway.”

  I threw my head back and sighed. “This sucks.”

  “Yes, it actually does,” Sara said, nodding. “It really does. And I'm sorry. But it is what it is.”

  I pushed myself up from the table, my strength sapped from the conversation. “Fine. Whatever.”

  “He'll pick you up tomorrow at five,” Sara said. “Bring you back later on.” She paused. “And Meg?”