If I Fall

by Anna Cruise

  He pulled me down on the empty bed. “This is the best we can do.”

  I set my cup on the floor and laid down next to him. “I guess.”

  He set his drink down next to mine and immediately rolled over on top of me, fitting himself between my legs, grinding his hips against mine.

  “I missed you,” he whispered into my mouth and I could feel him swell up against me.

  “Me, too,” I said, kissing him back.

  His hands roamed my body, finding their way up my shirt. I glanced over at the couple on the other bed and they were still going at it, moaning, oblivious to us.

  Aidan's hands found their way to my waist and started to slide between my legs before I caught them.

  “We can't,” I whispered.

  He pushed hard against me. “Why not?”

  “Because we aren't alone!”

  He glanced over at the other bed. “They're doing the same thing. They aren't even paying attention.”

  His hands tried again to get inside my waistband and I caught them. “We can't!”

  “Meg, come on,” he groaned, pressing his whole body into mine. “I need you. Big time.”

  “Then we need to find another place.”

  “There isn't one. Come on. We got a bed. I'll be fast. I promise.” His hands reached again.

  I let them disappear inside my clothes and I shivered when he touched me.

  But when he went to pull down my panties, I stopped him again. “No, we can't.”

  “Jesus, Meg,” he said, lifting off me a bit and frowning down at me. “Come on.”

  “I'm not having sex with you when there are other people in here,” I whispered.

  I didn't think it was too much to ask to want some privacy. And I understood he was impatient. So was I. It felt like forever since we'd been together. But undressing and having sex in a room where others could watch, could hear, made me too uncomfortable.

  The frown stayed on his face for awhile, his eyes dark, before he finally rolled off of me. He sat up and grabbed his cup off the floor, draining it in one long swallow.

  “Don't be mad,” I said, siting up and pulling my shirt down. “Let's just see if we can find another place.”

  He shook his head. “No, it's cool. There isn't anywhere else, anyway.” His voice was flat, emotionless.

  “Aidan, don't be pissed at me.”

  “I'm not,” he said, giving me half a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He nodded at the door. “I gotta use the bathroom. I'll meet you downstairs.” He stood and walked out of the room.

  I sat there for a minute, wondering what had just happened. He was obviously pissed. So was I. I'd wanted to have sex with him. But I wasn't going to put myself on display for the whole world to see.

  On cue, the guy on the bed groaned and the girl's hand pumped faster inside of his jeans.

  I stood, ran a hand through my hair and over my clothes, grabbed my cup and walked out.

  The hallway was still jam packed and I spilled my drink twice trying to get down the stairs. I looked around, scanning the faces in the room as I walked down the stairs, clutching the railing so I didn't get sent flying.

  I didn't see Aidan's anywhere.

  I waited at the bottom of the stairs for a couple of minutes, sipping the rum from the cup. No one approached me and no one talked to me. I looked at the people shuffling by. I knew them. They knew me. We ran in the same circles now, now that I was with Aidan. But no one stopped, no one offered a smile. It was like I didn't exist.

  It was hot and stuffy in the house and the booming music was driving into my head. I needed some air, so I made my way back through the kitchen and outside. I stepped off the patio and onto the boardwalk, kicked off my sandals and stepped onto the cool sand.

  “Meg?” a voice called. “Hey, Meg.”

  Surprised, I turned toward a cluster of dark faces that I couldn't make out. Someone was calling me. Finally, someone was acknowledging I was there. A figure broke away from the crowd and came toward me from the sand.

  I smiled when I saw Case.

  “Hey,” he said, coming up to me and smiling back. “I didn't know you were here.”

  “I'm here,” I said, pretty unenthusiastically.

  “Jada said something about her covering for you tonight.”

  I nodded, feeling guilty. I didn't know she'd told anyone about our little arrangement. Especially him. “Yeah. I couldn't get out. My aunt has kind of dropped the hammer on me. So I'm just here for a little while.”

  He nodded. “Gotcha. You here with Aidan?”

  I hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah. He's inside somewhere. I think.”

  He nodded. He seemed so comfortable in his own skin. Unbothered by anything. I envied that.

  “I was gonna walk down to the water for a second,” he said. “You wanna come?”

  I turned to the house. I saw everyone but Aidan. I was pretty sure he wasn't still in the bathroom. And I was pretty sure he wouldn't be looking for me. Not after what had happened—rather, what hadn't happened—in the bedroom upstairs.

  I turned back to Case. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans, those gray-green eyes locked on me as he waited for my response. “Sure.”

  We trudged down the lumpy sand, my drink in one hand, my sandals in the other, holding my arms out to steady myself until we got to the flat, damp sand at the shoreline. The water in the bay shimmered in the dark, the ripples sparkling beneath the moonlight.

  We stood at the water's edge and I dipped my toe in. “Who'd you come with?”

  “No one,” he said, shaking his head. “Just figured I'd run into people.” He smiled. “And I did.”

  I finished off the rum and Coke in the cup and didn't say anything.

  “So I know it's not any of my business,” he said, looking away from me. “But how are things with your dad?”

  I didn't know whether to be grateful or annoyed that he was asking. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about but him asking meant something.

  That he cared.

  “I had dinner with him two nights ago,” I said. I looked at Case and smiled. “And I didn't break anything.”

  He laughed. “Well, that's a plus.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I guess. Actually, it was pretty decent. I didn't have a bad time and his wife ended up giving me a ride home.” I tripped on the word 'wife' but it didn't send waves of anger coursing through me. It was still uncomfortable to say, to associate that word with her, but it wasn't impossible. And that was progress, however tiny it might be.

  He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

  I nodded again. “Yeah. It was fine. I think I'm gonna go back next week. I'm trying.”

  “That's good,” he said. “That's all you can do.”

  I shrugged. “Well, my aunt's making me so I don't have much of a choice.”

  “Still. It's good to try.”

  “I guess.”

  We stood there for a few minutes, watching the water. The silence wasn't uncomfortable. It felt alright, like the silence was supposed to be there, that the people listening to it were OK with it.

  “And second thing that's none of my business,” he finally said. “But Jada misses you.”

  I wasn't sure why, but hearing that surprised me. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” he said. He kicked at the sand with his shoe. “And I'm not looking to get in the middle or anything. I know I told you the same thing before. So, I'm just letting you know. Hanging around with me and Carter and Logan is fine for awhile, but it gets old.”

  “What about Emma?” I knew they didn't eat lunch at the same bench but they still ran track together, still huddled near each other in class.

  “I don't know,” Case said. “They're friends but it's not like you. Like you and Jada used to be, anyway.”

  I didn't know how to feel about that statement. I was happy that she hadn't replaced me with someone else—we'd been best friends for years—but I also didn't like thinking that she w
as lonely or unhappy. Especially because I might be the cause of it.

  “Carter and Logan have been friends of hers for years,” I offered.

  “And they still are,” he said. “But, I don't know. I think the testosterone gets to be a bit much for her.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, you guys being so manly and all.”

  “Right. We're all like masculinity personified.”

  I laughed again. He was funny. And so easy to talk to and he wasn't invasive in any way. And for whatever reason, I felt like he got me. Maybe because he'd given me a ride home from my dad's that night. I wasn't sure. But I felt like he understood where I was at. With my dad, with Jada, with everything.

  “So what should I do?” I asked. I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth.

  He shrugged. “I don't know. Just talk to her. Or hang out with her. Whatever it is girls do. I think she just misses being friends with you. I don't think she's looking for some apology or something.”

  “Do I need to apologize?” I asked.

  He stared at me. “I don't know. That's for you guys to decide. And I'm not saying you do. Don't go reading into my words like girls do. I just think she'd appreciate hearing from you.”

  Guilt stabbed at me like a pick-ax. If he was right, then I was a massive idiot. Here she was, still wanting to be friends despite how I'd treated her, how I'd abandoned her and everyone else, and the only thing I'd said to her in the last couple of weeks was to ask her if she could cover for me while I snuck out of the house. She deserved better than that and I did owe her an apology.

  “OK,” I said. “I'll...figure it out.”

  “Cool,” he said. “I think she'd appreciate it.”

  I looked back toward the house. “I should probably head back up.”

  “Probably find Aidan.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “You guys are still good?” he asked. His tone changed, like he was trying hard to keep it neutral.

  I shifted my gaze back to the water. “I honestly have no idea what we are.”

  “That doesn't sound good.” It wasn't a judgement from him.

  “It's just been weird,” I said. I hesitated, wondering how much I should share. I didn't know that I wanted my love life on display with Case. I felt the heat rise up in my cheeks as I remembered our conversation at the restaurant when we'd shared lunch together. It was one thing to share that kind of stuff with a best friend or another girlfriend. But to talk about it with a guy? A guy that was cute and funny and sweet and caring—a guy I might be interested in if I wasn't already involved with someone? I didn't know how much I wanted him to know.

  But I didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. I couldn't talk to Sara or my dad and my friendship with Jada had fallen off the radar completely. Even the people I did hang out with now—Dez and Scotty and Lauren—well, they were Aidan's friends, not mine.

  “Weird how?” he asked.

  I brought my hand to my mouth and chewed on my thumb nail. “Just things. My aunt not letting me out, our schedules not meshing, that kind of thing.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, so long that the silence engulfing us, the silence that had felt so right a few minute before, began to feel uncomfortable. “Right,” he finally said. “Well, hopefully it'll be OK.”

  I just nodded and didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say.

  Not because I didn't want to talk to him but because suddenly I didn't know what 'OK' would be anymore.

  TWENTY NINE

  It took me an hour and a half to find Aidan.

  I'd said goodbye to Case and he'd wandered off down the boardwalk to join the friends he'd left. I'd waded back into the house, figuring I'd find Aidan somewhere, sitting on a couch, half-drunk, looking for me. But after two trips through the house, opening the bedrooms upstairs and seemingly running into everyone but him, I was starting to get nervous. I didn't have much time left before I needed to leave and he'd apparently disappeared into thin air.

  I thought about going back out to the beach to see if Case was still there because I was going to need a ride home or I was going to be completely screwed. But I decided to go out front and take one more look for Aidan before I did.

  I twisted my way through the front door and onto the small, fenced-in patio area. I stepped over a puddle of vomit and made my way out into the alley. There were groups of people huddled nearby, their cigarettes glowing in the darkness, shouts of laughter bouncing off the backs of houses and garages. I was just about to give up hope and start looking for Case when I finally spotted him, halfway down the alley.

  With Dez.

  He was leaning against a garage door, a red cup in one hand, his other positioned on her hip. She stood directly in front of him, talking to him, her head tilted to the side, clutching her own cup to her chest. He was smiling and so was she, their lips inches apart.

  My heart smacked against the inside of my chest and hesitated for a moment before I walked toward them.

  He noticed me first and casually dropped his hand from her hip, straightening up against the door. Dez followed his eyes and when she spotted me, she smiled and shuffled a couple inches away from him.

  “Was wondering what happened to you,” Aidan said. “Thought you ditched me.”

  “I was thinking the same thing,” I said, then looked at Dez. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” she said, taking a drink from her cup. She nodded back toward the house. “I'm gonna go find Lauren. Find you guys later.”

  We watched her walk down the alley and disappear into the mass of people.

  I looked at him. “What the fuck?”

  He raised his eyebrows. “What?”

  “What the fuck was that?”

  “What? Dez?” he asked, then shook his head. “We were just talking.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Really?”

  “Yeah, really,” he said, annoyed.

  “You had her hand on her hip.”

  “She was drunk,” he said. “I was holding her up.”

  “Really.”

  “What the fuck's the problem, Meg?” he asked, anger filtering into his eyes. “First you bail on me upstairs, now this. What the hell is going on?”

  “I didn't bail on you upstairs,” I said. “We didn't have a place to go.”

  “Bullshit. I found a place. You just didn't like it.”

  “And apparently you came down here to see if Dez was interested instead.”

  It was his turn to roll his eyes. “Dez was interested in some weed and a little coke. I helped her out. That was it.”

  “Looked like you were gonna help her out a little more,” I said.

  “Oh, fuck you, Meg,” he said, then held the cup to his lips. He emptied it and fired it to the side. “I'm not listening to this shit. You've been a total pain in the ass lately and all I've tried to do is help out. I understood when your aunt tightened the reins. I understood when you had to sneak out tonight. And you know what I got for it?” He pointed back at the house. “Rejected upstairs and accused of hitting on a friend.” He stared at me, his bloodshot eyes fiery. “Thanks a fucking lot.”

  His words stung me and I immediately felt guilty. My life had become a pain in the ass lately and he was right. He had been there for it, letting me complain and whine. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions. Maybe I was just being paranoid. I wasn't sure anymore. But there was one thing I was sure of. He was the only thing I had left. The only person who was constant, who was there. And I couldn't lose him.

  I hesitated, then stepped closer to him. “I'm sorry.”

  He nodded, but didn't look like he cared very much.

  “I'm serious,” I said. “I'm sorry. I'm just mad that I haven't gotten more time with you.”

  He started to say something, but I kissed him before he could say it. I pressed my body into his, molding myself against him. He stood there for a minute, motionless, before finally kissing me back. Tears of relief flooded my eyes and I held him tight
er to me, my hands running up and down his back, sneaking along his sides.

  Eventually, I slipped my hand between his legs and he stiffened.

  “We can go to your car,” I said, whispering into his ear. “There's no one else in there.”

  He pushed himself into my hand. “You sure?”

  I squeezed him gently, felt him swell inside his shorts. “I'm sure. I want to make you feel good.”

  He smiled at me and there was something in it I couldn't read. “You want to make me feel good?” Why?”

  “Because I'm being a bitch,” I whispered into his ear. “About Dez. So let me make you feel good.”

  The smile grew and there was almost an evilness to it. “Let's go.”

  We found his car down the alley and we climbed into the back seat and he leaned back, staring at me, expecting me to take care of him.

  “What are you waiting for?” he asked, his eyebrow raised. “Make me feel good, Meg.”

  I swallowed the doubt and unease that rose up. I didn't know why he was acting the way he was but I knew one thing. I felt guilty. Guilty about turning him down earlier and guilty about my accusations about Dez. I was confused, too, about how he was acting and how he was treating me, but I felt guilty. I didn't want him to be angry with me.

  And, more than anything else, I didn't want to be alone.

  So I pushed aside the fear and doubt and lowered my head. And made him feel good.

  THIRTY

  “Oh, shit,” I whispered.

  We'd spent almost an hour in the backseat of his car and by the time we were done, the windows were completely steamed up and it was eleven thirty. We seemed to be back to normal. He was sweet again and the anger that had flared earlier was gone. He'd chafed a little when I said it was time to go, but he didn't put up much of a fight. And I'd tried to stow away all of my fears and misgivings.

  My plan was to be back early to Jada's, at eleven forty-five. Be there fifteen minutes early, stand on the front porch and play like I was just walking out when Sara pulled up.

  But she'd gotten there twenty minutes early and was already parked at the curb.

  I hadn't been paying attention when we pulled up to the house and Aidan had zoomed in right behind her. I saw her glance at the rearview mirror, then slowly shake her head.