If I Fall

by Anna Cruise

  “Yo,” he answered.

  “It's me,” I said, my stomach immediately knotting at his voice.

  “Meg?” he asked. “Whose number is this?”

  “A friend's,” I answered. “Sara won't let me use my phone.”

  “Ah, right,” he said. “So, what's going on?”

  “I want to talk,” I said. “About our conversation this afternoon.”

  He chuckled into the phone. “Well, I'm a little busy at the moment.”

  “Busy?”

  “Down at Riviera,” he said. “A little bonfire. And a few other things.”

  It shouldn't have surprised me but it did. He'd spent all afternoon partying and there he was, on a school night, getting even more wasted. I swallowed hard. Because, if Sara hadn't intervened when she did, I was pretty sure I would have been right by his side.

  “Look, I don't want to make this a big deal,” I said, glancing at Case. “I...I just want you to know that I want a break. From us.”

  “Yeah, you said that earlier,” he said. “But I'm not listening.”

  “Aidan, I don't...”

  “Hey, good girl,” he said. “I'll make you a deal. You get yourself down here to the beach and you look me in the eye and you tell me you want a break and I'll give you a hug and we'll go our separate ways. But I'm not listening to this shit over the phone.”

  “Aidan, I can't because—”

  The line went dead.

  I squeezed the phone in my hand, then chucked it at the sofa. I couldn't believe I'd let him just blow me off again. And I couldn't believe I'd thought I was in love with him. Ever.

  “Come on,” I said to Case.

  He looked at me, puzzled. “Where are we going?”

  I reached for his hand and pulled him off the couch. “The beach. So I can tell him to his face.”

  “You aren't supposed to leave.”

  “I know. But I have to. Now.”

  “Your aunt is gonna be seriously pissed,” he warned.

  I pulled him toward the door. “She'll forgive me for this. Trust me. It's worth it.”

  FORTY

  I couldn't find Aidan at the beach.

  It took us ten minutes to get down to Riviera, ten minutes of silence as we sat in Case's truck, me looking out the window, my hands twisting as I thought about what I was heading into. Case parked the truck and pulled the key out of the ignition. He jerked his head toward a crowd of people about a block up the road, lingering by the steps.

  “That's it.”

  I nodded. I thought there were close to two hundred people on the sand as Case and I descended the stairs. Bodies stood close to one another in the dark and the flames of the bonfire shot high into the air, snapping and popping loudly. It reminded me very much of the night I'd met Aidan and I shivered at the memory.

  “Any clue where he's at?” Case asked, shielding his eyes as he scanned the crowd.

  “None,” I said. “But I'll find him.” I looked at him. “And I need to do it without you, alright?”

  His expression grew worried. “I'm not sure I like that.”

  “It'll be fine,” I said. “He's all bark and no bite. And I need to do it.”

  I did. I didn't want anyone doing it for me or helping me. It had to be me, and me alone. I wanted Aidan to see that I didn't need him. Me. Without Sara telling me or Case backing me up. Just me. Confronting him. Telling him. I was glad Case was there, but I was going to take care of it.

  I nudged him toward the bonfire. “Go be social or something.”

  “Not really my thing.”

  “I know,” I said, smiling. “So go pretend.”

  “Meg, I...”

  “Go,” I said. “I'll find you in just a little bit.”

  He hesitated for a long moment, then walked off toward the fire.

  I scanned the water's edge, thinking he was probably down there somewhere. I saw bodies, but couldn't make out faces. I headed down toward the water and in the direction of the restrooms and water fountains when Lauren fell into me. I nearly went down in the sand.

  I stumbled to the side as she slid down my leg. She rolled over, laughing, then pushed herself up to her knees. “Oops! Sorry!”

  “It's OK,” I said, annoyed.

  “I just meant to hug you,” she said, brushing herself off and standing up. She teetered to the side and looked even more drunk than when I'd seen her in the parking lot. I wondered if she'd just kept on drinking since school ended.

  “Have you seen Aidan?” I asked.

  Her expression froze for a moment, then sadness settled on her face. “I'm so sorry, Meg.”

  “Sorry? About what?”

  “About Aidan,” she said, almost crying now. “So so sorry.”

  I assumed she must've overheard our conversation in the parking lot after school. I was surprised she'd been that coherent.

  “It's OK,” I said. “It's my choice and...”

  “I knew I shouldn't have kissed him,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, I knew you guys were together. But Dylan is up at Berkeley and I just miss him so much, you know? And then it just got out of hand and I didn't want to stop and I know it was wrong and I'm so sorry.”

  I processed her words, squinted at her. “What?”

  “I was totally drunk,” she continued. “I mean, not as drunk as tonight, but still drunk. And he looked so good and you weren't there and we were in this room and I know I shouldn't have touched him but I just didn't know what I was doing and the next thing I knew my clothes were off.”

  I felt the air leave my lungs. I was there to break up with Aidan, but I wasn't expecting to hear that he'd been screwing around on me. Now the eyes on me at school made sense. Everyone knew.

  Everyone but me.

  “It was just the one time,” she slurred. “I swear. Just the one time this weekend.”

  The weekend. When I was getting locked down and punished, he was sleeping with Lauren.

  I remembered earlier that night when I'd walked up on him with Dez.

  I wondered how I could have been so stupid.

  I peered over her shoulder and about fifty yards away, I thought I made out Aidan in a small circle of people.

  “Thanks, Lauren,” I said, pushing past her.

  “I'm really sorry, Meg,” she said. “Really sorry.”

  She mumbled something else but I couldn't hear her words as they drifted away from me and out toward the water.

  I stomped across the sand and as I got closer, I knew it was him. Standing there, with a beer in his hand, laughing and talking with guys I didn't recognize.

  I grabbed him by the shoulder. “Hey.”

  He held his beer up in the air like he was afraid he'd spill it. “Easy.”

  “Here I am,” I said. Let's talk. Now.”

  The other three guys in the circle laughed and tried to hide their faces. I didn't care. I was angry and I was ready to be done with this whole stupid charade.

  Aidan glanced at the other three, then gave me his own laugh. “Alright. Let's talk.”

  I walked past the circle, turning my back on him, letting him follow me. I was tired of him leading me by the nose, even if I hadn't recognized it for what it was. I didn't stop walking until I got to the restroom building, a small square structure at the end of the sand. It was quieter here, free from the hordes of people drinking and partying.

  I turned around and Aidan's expression had changed. He wasn't chuckling anymore. He looked angry.

  I didn't care. I wasn't backing down this time.

  “You said to come down here and tell you to your face,” I said, staring into his eyes. “So I'm here. Looking at you. Telling you we're done.”

  A slow smile spread across his face. “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah. Really. I mean, you sort of ended it when you fucked Lauren over the weekend. But I don't want to leave any loose ends.”

  For a brief moment, his cool exterior disappeared and something flashed through his eyes. He knew
he'd been caught and there was nowhere to hide.

  “You don't know what you're talking about,” he said.

  “Lauren told me herself,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. “But you know what? It's totally fine.”

  And it really was. I was angry that he'd done it, but with everything all of a sudden becoming clear to me, it wasn't all that surprising. I finally recognized what our relationship had been to him. He hadn't loved me. I'd wanted him to love me, so he'd told me what I'd wanted to hear. I'd been a little challenge for Aidan. It was as simple as that. And once he'd conquered me, had gotten me to do all the things he'd wanted me to do, he'd gotten bored.

  I'd been too screwed up to see it. Too hurt, too broken. I'd thought he was the only one who'd cared about me as my life was falling apart, thought he was the only one who could save me from falling into the abyss.

  I was very, very wrong.

  “We're not over,” he said, coming closer to me. “We're not over until I say we're over.”

  I refused to step back even though the temptation to do so was nearly overwhelming. “We're over, Aidan,” I said, my voice shaky.

  He crowded me even more, his hand brushing against my arm. “Come on, Meg. You don't mean that. You know how I can make you feel.”

  “Yeah, I do,” I said, flinching from his touch. “And I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm done.”

  He blinked several times, anger filling his eyes like a rising tide. “You dumb little bitch. You suck, you know that?”

  “Whatever,” I said, stepping around him.

  But he grabbed me by the arm and brought me back in front of him. His fingers dug into my skin and it hurt. I tried to shake free, but he wouldn't let go.

  “I put up with all of your whining,” he said, sneering at me. “All of your stupid family shit. And this is what I get? You acting like a bitch and telling me we're done?” He shook his head, then stepped in close to me and pushed his hips into mine. “I want some closure, good girl.”

  I shoved him in the chest. He stumbled back, but didn't let go.

  My heart pounded against my chest. I was so stupid. So, so stupid. I couldn't believe that I'd thought he was someone who cared about me. I'd missed everything.

  He smiled at me, his eyes glassy from the alcohol. “You wanna fight a little bit? Do it rough? I'm cool with that.”

  He yanked me toward him and pushed his hips into me again. I wiggled against him, trying to get loose, but he was too strong.

  “Let her go,” a voice said behind him.

  He loosened his grip and I shoved him away.

  Case stood there, his eyes on Aidan.

  Aidan stared at him for a moment, then took a long pull from the beer bottle in his hand. He wiped his mouth with his forearm. “Hey, pretty boy.”

  Case ignored him. “You alright?” he asked, his eyes roving over me, looking for damage.

  “I'm fine,” I said, my heart still hammering inside my chest.

  “She's fine,” Aidan said. “You can run along.”

  “Let's go,” Case said to me, ignoring Aidan again.

  Aidan looked at me, then at Case again, then broke into a big grin. “Ohhhhh. Now I get it. You've got a new boyfriend.”

  Neither Case nor I said anything.

  Aidan shook his head, then spat into the sand. “Fine. You know what? Fuck this and fuck you, good girl. Not worth my time anyway.” He stepped over to Case. “She's all yours, pretty boy.” He tipped the beer bottle in his direction. “Not much in bed, but you don't look like much either, so I guess it's a match made in heaven.” He laughed and sauntered off.

  Case's hands were clenched into fists. He looked at me. “You sure you're OK?”

  I hugged myself. I felt chilled, shaky. I looked toward the bathroom. “Give me a minute, though, OK?”

  He nodded. But before I could take a step toward the building, a scream pierced the darkness. I jumped, startled, and whirled around. Halfway up the beach, I could make out a group of people standing in a semi-circle.

  “What's going on?” I asked, the tension I'd felt all night intensifying.

  Case squinted into the darkness. “I don't know.”

  Someone bolted from the group, up toward the stairs. Someone else—a girl—let out a strangled sob. My insides twisted. Something was wrong.

  “I'm going to check it out,” Case said. “Wait here.”

  “No.” My voice was firm. I'd ordered him away when I'd talked to Aidan, told him I needed to do it by myself. But I didn't want to be alone anymore. Not there.

  He frowned at me but I stared him down. He sighed, reached for my hand and pulled me toward the crowd.

  The muffled voices grew louder as we approached.

  “Get her upright—”

  “She just needs to puke.”

  I recognized the voices. They belonged to the people I'd spent the last few months with, the people I'd called my friends.

  Case pushed his way through the crowd, his grip tightening on my hand. I couldn't see past him but I felt him stiffen.

  “What?” I whispered, my voice raw. “What is it?”

  He turned to me. “Your phone. Call for help. Now.” His voice was raw, a slight hint of panic.

  “What?” I repeated. “What's wrong?”

  I craned my neck, trying to see what he was reacting to.

  And saw Lauren.

  Splayed out on the ground, her legs tucked underneath her. The wedge of moon provided just enough light to see she was passed out. A think trickle of blood snaked out of her left nostril.

  “Did she pass out?” I asked.

  Case shook his head vehemently and dropped my hand. He shouldered his way through the remaining crowd and leaned down beside her.

  “Hey, man. Leave her alone.” It was Aidan, standing off to the side, his tone insolent.

  Case touched his fingers to Lauren's neck.

  “What the fuck, man?” Aidan said, stepping forward. “I said leave her alone.”

  Case looked up, his expression murderous. “What did she take?”

  “What?”

  “What did she take, asshole?” Case screamed. “What did you give her?”

  Aidan glared at him. “I'm not telling you shit.”

  Case stripped off his shirt and laid it across Lauren's arms. “Call 911,” he barked at me. “Now.” To Aidan, he said, “You wanna be responsible for her dying? You wanna take the fall? Because I'll name names, dude. I'll tell the cops you were the one who gave her whatever shit she just OD'd on.”

  Aidan paled a little. “What are you talking about?”

  Case turned to Dez. She was watching the whole exchange with a detached expression. “Give me your jacket.”

  She turned to look at him. “What?”

  “Your jacket. Now.”

  She stripped off her hoodie and handed it to him. He threw it over Lauren.

  “What was it?” Case asked. “Coke? Shrooms?” He looked at me. “Call 911, Meg. Now.”

  I nodded. I fumbled for my phone, punching the three numbers with shaking fingers. I'd brought it with me, just in case I'd needed it. I could hear Dez talking.

  “Meth,” she said softly. “Aidan had some meth.”

  My stomach rolled as the operator answered. My tongue was thick, my throat constricted, but I managed to tell her our location, told her we thought a friend had OD'd. The voice on the other end was calm and cool as she asked questions.

  “Put her on speaker,” Case instructed. He was still bent over Lauren, his fingers on her pulse.

  “We have an ambulance on the way,” the operator said, her voice piercing the silence engulfing us.

  “It's supposedly meth, but I don't know for sure,” Case said. “Her pulse is racing and feels like she's got a fever. Blood leaking from her nose.”

  “Are you a doctor?” the operator asked.

  “No,” he said shortly, biting the word off.

  In less than a minute, we heard the sound of sirens. Sco
tty and Aidan took off, walking quickly down the beach. I felt the bile rise up in my throat. They were leaving her. They were leaving Lauren.

  Dez watched them go, her gaze darting between their retreating backs and her friend lying motionless on the ground. She glanced at me, her eyes filled with fear and worry. But I knew what she was worried about. And it wasn't Lauren. It was herself.

  “I gotta go,” she whispered. She disappeared down the beach, trailing after Aidan.

  I crouched down beside Case and, with shaking fingers, reached for Lauren's hand. I didn't care that she'd slept with my boyfriend, that she'd done it behind my back, by accident or on purpose. I only cared about one thing: I didn't want her to die.

  “Is she...” I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “Is she gonna be OK?”

  Case shrugged. “I don't know.”

  The ambulance pulled to the curb, blue and red lights flashing, siren wailing. Doors opened and EMTs poured out, heading in our direction, hauling bags of medical equipment.

  Tears pooled in my eyes and fell down my cheeks. I stepped back as they approached, my vision blurry as I watched them work on her. Case spoke in a low voice to one of the EMTs, sharing what he knew. After a minute, he joined me, his hand reaching for mine.

  “That could have been me,” I whispered.

  They'd hooked up an oxygen tube, had a blood pressure cuff wrapped around Lauren's arm. Carefully, they lifted her on to a stretcher. She remained motionless, oblivious.

  “That could have been me.”

  FORTY ONE

  We didn't leave right away. I couldn't. I watched as they wheeled the stretcher back toward the road, as they hoisted it carefully into the ambulance, Lauren strapped in. The siren wailed again and the ambulance tore off into the night. Police cars had descended, too, and the partygoers had scattered, leaving a trail of empty cups and beer bottles. The bonfire had been reduced to a smoldering pile of ashes.

  “You OK?” Case asked.

  We were sitting on the sand, facing the road, watching.

  I nodded, trying to convince myself as much as him that I was alright. But I wasn't.

  “She'll be OK, Meg,” he whispered. His hand covered mine and he squeezed softly. “She's going to be OK.”