Dial a Stud: Dante's Story

by J. a Melville

  It was pain, and the steady beep, beep of the heart monitor, that woke me finally. I moaned, shifting in my hospital bed, as much as the limits of my I.V and plaster casts would allow.

  “Are you in pain?” The voice from the other side of the room, made me jump, which in turn made me gasp, when pain lanced through me. My eyes swung to him, to where Dante stood, leaning against the wall, watching me.

  “Yes…Dante…you’re here?”

  One corner of his mouth turned up, in something which I think was supposed to be a smile, but looked more like a grimace instead.

  “Nothing gets past you, does it Grace?”

  I winced, at the cold, sarcastic tone in his voice. There was no ‘cara’ either. I had become Grace to him. He had rarely called me that. It was always the endearment, and I suddenly missed hearing it roll off those sensual lips of his.

  I studied him, every beautiful familiar inch of him. He looked different, a little leaner. He’d lost weight. How could he lose it so fast? Was it working at the vineyard, or was I responsible for the change in him?

  When my eyes moved to his face, I recoiled slightly. His eyes; the expression in them, was alien to me. The warmth I was used to; was gone. I’d always thought brown eyes were soulful, expressive, welcoming. Dante’s always had been, until now. Now they were cold, distant, void of the emotion, I was so used to seeing in them.

  It was painful to see the way he looked at me now. It hurt to know, that I’d put that cold look on his face. I’d done this to him.

  “You’re very quiet Grace. Always too quiet, aren’t you? How many times did I ask you to talk to me in Italy? I knew something was wrong, I tried, but you wouldn’t open up, you wouldn’t reveal, what was really going on inside. Did you ever love me, or was I just a pleasant diversion?”

  “How can you ask me that? Of course I loved you, I love you.” I whispered.

  He smirked, but there was no humour in it. “You can seriously ask me, how I can ask you that? You were fucking going to dump me. What was I? Like last night’s trash? Time to dispose of the things you don’t want cluttering up your life anymore?” He raked a hand through his hair, messing it up enough, that he had that ‘just fucked’ look about him. My heart leapt painfully in my chest at the sight of it.

  “It wasn’t like that.” I said softly, my eyes lowering from his. It hurt too much to look at him, to see the cold, distant stranger, he’d become.

  “Well what was it Grace? The way I see it, you and Mel discussed me, what, over a glass or two of wine? The old, what to do with a boyfriend, when you don’t, want him anymore, discussion. Is that how it went down? Did you decide to dump me between drinks?” He snorted. “You could have said something to me in Italy. I knew there was something wrong, but you wouldn’t open up. Then I find out you’re dumping me, and the fucked up thing about all that is, you didn’t even tell me. You meant to tell Mel, that you were going to go ahead and do so, despite her protests. So your best friend didn’t approve, but you couldn’t even send her the message, you sent it to me. So, not only do I find out, I’m going to be tossed out like an unwanted meal, I find out by accident, when you tell your friend, you’re still going to go ahead and do it.”

  I watched Dante begin to pace restlessly back and forth in my hospital room.

  “It wasn’t like that.” I tried to say. “I’m not good enough for you.” I whispered, struggling to keep sudden tears back. “I watched you in Italy and everyone loves you, and respects you. Plus, I never expected the vineyard to be so big. You’re a very wealthy man Dante and I…I…how do I fit into that lifestyle? Look at me, compared to you.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about the money, what you have versus what I have. I don’t know what you think you’re lacking Grace, but you’re the one with the hang ups about it, not me. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, have a family one day. I wanted you to come and live in Italy with me. I wanted Alex to come and be my business partner, to help run the vineyard, and I was going to try and sweeten the deal for you, by asking Mel to come and live there too. Then I get your message, that wasn’t really intended for me, and the bottom fell out of my world.”

  “You wanted me to move to Italy, Mel and Alex too? You wanted a family? I…I…but…a family.” I stammered.

  “God dammit Grace, I wouldn’t have pushed you for kids, if that’s not what you wanted. The look of horror on your face, and the fact the colour just bleached right out of it; shows me, kids aren’t up there on your list.”

  “No…you…no…it’s not that.” I struggled to put together a sentence that actually made sense. God, if he only knew. It wasn’t a case of not wanting children, it was a case of thinking I couldn’t have them.

  “It’s all irrelevant now anyway. You don’t want me, it’s over between us. I’ll be heading back to Italy. I just needed to make sure you’re ok.”

  “You’re going?” I gasped. “You can’t go. I…I don’t want you to go.”

  Dante’s lips twisted, and he snorted. “You know, I spent years thinking about you. I wondered where you were, how you got on, after you left the centre. When I first saw you after all those years and we came together, I thought my life was complete. Never, did I expect, that you would decide, you didn’t want me anymore. You can tell yourself it’s due to concerns over my wealth, not thinking you’re good enough, whatever fucking excuses you’ve given yourself, so you feel justified in doing what you were going to do, but the truth is, you wanted out of the relationship. You can act like it’s insecurities that made you want out, but let’s face it; you just don’t want me anymore. Well, I’ll save you the trouble, I’ll walk away. Once I’m back in Italy, you won’t have to worry about possibly running into me again.”

  Dante’s words sent panic shooting through me. “No, you’re wrong. I love you, I will always love you. I just don’t think I’m good enough for you. You’re too good for me. What can I give you? There is nothing I can bring to the relationship Dante. Look at you, and look at me. You’re…you’re perfect.” My voice finished on little more than a whisper.

  “I’m not fucking perfect. All I wanted you to bring to our relationship was your love. I just wanted you to love me, nothing more.” Again, he raked his hands through his hair. “I have to go, this discussion is pointless.”

  “No Dante, please don’t leave me. I was wrong, I’m so sorry, I love you, I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I got scared too because I saw you with those kids at the vineyard. You’ll make a wonderful father, and I thought I couldn’t…well…I’d…my body is scarred.”

  “What are you talking about Grace?” He sounded impatient.

  “It doesn’t matter now, it’s irrelevant. Please, give me another chance. I love you. I love you so much.” I begged, all my pride gone right out the window, as I found myself suddenly fighting for my life, fighting to get him back.

  “You’re too late.” He sneered at me. “I don’t want a woman who says she loves me one day, then, decides she wants out, the next. I guess, we were not meant to be.”

  “No.” I felt panic setting in. “No, you’re wrong, I want you, I want to spend my life with you. I love you.”

  Dante’s laugh was humourless; the contempt in his eyes, as he looked at me, causing pain that seemed to grip every inch of my body. “Well, I’m sorry cara, but I don’t want you.” He said, each word piercing my heart, like a knife, leaving me gasping in agony.

  I heard a sound, like an animal being tortured, a cry and realised the animal was me. It was my final, desperate attempt to get him to stay. “Please Dante, no, no…no…no!”

  At my agonised cries, he hesitated on his way to the door, turning, shooting me one final hateful look. My stomach instantly tightened into a ball, of fear and sorrow. God, he hated me, he really hated me, and it was all, my fault.

  I held the tears at bay, as he walked out the door, but when I heard the latch click behind him, I began to cry. Heart wrenching sobs tore at me, causing my
body to fold in an attempt to ease the pain. Not only the physical pain from my injuries, but the pain from the realisation, that the only man I would ever love, had just walked out of my life, forever. The hardest reality to face from it all; was that, I’d brought this all on myself.

  Gingerly, I rolled over as much as the cast on my ankle would allow, and burrowed my face into my pillow, crying so hard, it felt like my throat was being torn open. I’d lost him. I’d lost Dante and it was all, my stupid, fucking fault. I’d hurt him too badly, for him to ever forgive me, and now, I would be stuck with the image of that look on his face, as he’d walked out that door, and out of my life. Just picturing, the contempt and hatred in his eyes, made my tears fall faster, and harder.

  I was such a fool for thinking I could walk away from him. Now I had to face up to the reality, of him being gone from my life, it was killing me. It hurt so much. It hurt to breathe, to cry, to think, to move, everything hurt, and it wasn’t just from my injuries. This pain ran deep, this level of pain, was ripping at my soul, and I’d caused it. Every agonising shard of it was my own fault. I had no one else to blame but me.

  How was I going to survive it? Did I want to survive it? No, I didn’t, because I couldn’t handle how badly it was already hurting. The thought of enduring this for weeks, months, maybe even years, sounded like torture.

  I could end it. I could be free of the pain forever, but as quickly as that dark thought entered my head, it was gone again. It wasn’t just me anymore. I was pregnant. I had a tiny part of Dante growing inside me, and I had to make it my focus. I may have lost him, but I still had his child. Somehow we’d defied the odds. Despite doctors telling me the chances of me ever conceiving were very slim, I’d done it. A very tenacious sperm, and a determined egg, had battled and won, against the less than welcoming environment, of my womb.

  Awkwardly, I tucked my arm with the I.V over my stomach, in an attempt, to cradle the tiny life that was protected in there. It hurt so much to cry, shaking and shuddering through my battered and broken body, but I just couldn’t seem to stop.

  It was like a dam had burst, wretched wailing, and gut wrenching sobs, that were so loud in the room, I could barely hear the beep, beep of the heart monitor, as it registered the more rapid, distressed beat of my heart.

  I was actually surprised it still made a sound. How did a heart that was breaking, continue to beat? It felt like it was splintering in my chest and yet, it still continued to pump the blood around my body. How did it do that? How did it keep going, when I felt like I was dying inside?

  I jumped violently, when fingers brushed through my hair, and that familiar scent filled my nostrils. “Cara, oh god, baby, stop it, please, I’m sorry, Grace, please, forgive me.”

  “Jesus Gracie.” I heard Mel’s voice. “Is she alright? What the fuck did you do to her? She’s a mess. Look at her. If you upset her so badly she los…” She stopped abruptly mid-sentence, and I breathed a tiny sigh of relief, before continuing to cry even louder.

  “Please cara, stop, stop.” Arms closed gently around me, and I turned towards his beautiful big chest, burrowing in closer, as if trying to blend into him. He was back. I don’t know why, but he was back and holding me, and apologising. Apologising?

  “D…D…Da…Dante?” I finally managed, to squeeze his name out on a shuddering sigh.

  “What do you mean? What will happen if I upset her?” I heard him ask Mel and I tensed, hoping she would keep my secret as I’d asked of her.

  Just at that moment, the door swung open, and Alex walked in, his eyes rapidly taking in the situation in the room.

  “You have no idea how much you two, are pissing me off. You had better sort yourselves out, or I’m going to slap some sense into you. Well not you sugar, not for nine months at least, anyway.” He shot me a wide grin, but inwardly I groaned. Mel had told Alex and of course, Alex had no filter on his mouth, and so now Dante would find out from someone, other than me, that he was going to be a father.

  Sure enough, I felt him tense, his arms tightening so much, I squeaked, as he put too much pressure, on bones and muscles, damaged from being hit by the car.

  I heard a string of what I could only assume were expletives, pour from him. He was speaking in Italian, but I didn’t really need a translator. Swearing was one of those, kind of universal things. No matter the language, it was obvious, when someone was calling, on every swear word, known to them.

  Dante released me, straightening, so he could see my face. He looked slightly green. I wouldn’t have thought it possible, for an olive skinned, Italian hunk of a man to turn green, but it seemed he could. Obviously the prospect of being a father, didn’t sit well with him.

  As I stared nervously, at his gorgeous face, watching his features shimmer from the tears distorting them, he broke eye contact with me, and turned to the others. “I need to speak to Grace alone. Can you both, get the hell out of this room.” His focus swung from one to the other before centring on Alex. “You, need to work on your brain to mouth co-ordination.” He snapped.

  I winced at his tone. He was pissed off, majorly pissed off. Obviously, he wasn’t even going to pretend to be happy about me being pregnant.

  Once Alex and Mel had left the room, I dashed at my tears, as I nervously watched Dante, begin to pace up and down the room, like a caged animal.

  “Dammit Grace. I came back to see you because, I didn’t mean what I said to you. I was hurting, because I thought you no longer wanted me, and I just wanted to lash out, and make you feel at least some of the pain, I was feeling.” He began, pausing briefly in his pacing, to look over at me. “Do you love me?”

  My heart contracted painfully in my chest at his question. I could see the vulnerability in his eyes, as he waited for me to respond, and I felt terrible, that it was me, who had made him, question my feelings for him.

  “I love you more than life itself Dante. When you walked out, I literally wanted to die. You have no idea, how sorry, I am, that I hurt you this way. I genuinely panicked. I don’t expect you to understand. It was never about you, I guess, it was me, me and my stupid insecurities. Whether you keep the vineyard or not, you’re a very wealthy man. I’m not destitute, of course, but I will never know wealth, at the same level as you. You’re beautiful and everyone loves you. I saw that in Italy. I felt so overwhelmed, and then I suddenly thought, I wasn’t good enough for you. I worried you’d wake up one day, and wished you’d fallen for a nice Italian girl. Then when I saw you with those children, I really panicked. Several years ago, I was told by two different doctors, that I could never have children. Or at least, it was unlikely; I’d ever be able to have them. I have one damaged, heavily scarred ovary. The doctors aren’t sure what happened to it. Whether it’s damage done from an infection at some stage; that I didn’t know I had. I got sick a lot as a kid, so who knows. I only bleed every couple of months if I’m lucky. I also have patches of quite severe scarring in my uterus. It’s damaged enough, that it is considered unfriendly, so therefore unlikely, that an embryo, would ever be able to attach.”

  Dante was silent for a moment. “You told me you were on birth control.”

  I raised my eyes to his. “I told you that, yes, but I didn’t think I could ever conceive, so I’m not on any kind of contraception. I generally don’t have sex without a condom anyway. I was more concerned about diseases than pregnancy. It was different with you. I wanted that intimacy. I wanted to feel you, to have you fill me, without that barrier between us.”

  “It was important to me too. Sex was always such a clinical affair when I worked as a stud, but it had to be, to make sure we weren’t at risk, and neither was the customer. It was different with you. I didn’t want anything to come between us either.” He walked back over to me, his eyes burning me, with the passion, I saw in those brown depths. “Why, why did you step in front of that car?”

  I recoiled in horror. “God, did you think I tried to kill myself? No, hell no, it was a stupid accident. I sent that
message, that I thought I’d sent to Mel, but when I saw I’d sent it to you, I was devastated, in shock and I suddenly had to vomit. I got out of the car, threw up and stumbled into the path of that car. It wasn’t intentional at all. I was so upset that I’d sent you that message by mistake.” I fell silent; fresh tears welling from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.

  “When I got the call about you cara, I thought you had tried to kill yourself. It was like a double blow. You didn’t want me, and you were going to take your own life, to free yourself of guilt, or whatever motivated you.” He snorted. “The years may have passed, we might look different, but those old insecurities are still there, inside. We’re still fucked up in some ways.”

  “You’re not fucked up Dante, I am. I caused all this; it’s all, my own, stupid fault. I love you. I should have simply accepted that. Instead, I let myself become overwhelmed, by all that comes with loving a man, like you. The thing is; it was never about you. It was me, thinking I wasn’t good enough for you. There’s nothing quite like being hit by a car, to knock some sense into me. When you walked out of here earlier, and I thought I’d lost you forever, I truly thought, I might never recover. For a moment, I wanted to be dead, but, I couldn’t do that.”

  Dante shifted, sitting down on the chair, by the side of the bed, his hand coming out to cover the one I had over my stomach. “It’s true? What Alex said? You’re pregnant?”

  I turned a watery smile on him. “One of the reasons, I thought it only fair to let you go, to let you find a woman who would be better for you, was because I had always been led to believe, I couldn’t conceive.” I searched his face for some sort of reaction to my words. “I never expected to fall pregnant. I had no idea until the doctor mentioned it. I’m not that far along, it would seem, but yeah, I’m carrying your baby Dante. I’m guessing from your reaction earlier, you’re not happy about that.”

  I saw a deep frown furrow his brow. “My reaction cara? I’m not sure what you mean?”