by Max Monroe
I spotted the trio of trouble the moment we stepped inside the restaurant. They were loud and disruptive, and they looked like they were having so much fun that none of the patrons around them even looked annoyed.
“I can’t believe you talked me into meeting your sister,” Melody griped, swiping at her hair in an effort to look presentable. Truth was, she looked flawless.
“Why? Are you actually worried she isn’t going to like you? Have you met you?”
“Yes!” she whisper-yelled. “I have. And quite frankly, I’m a little bit of a bitch.”
Laughter, uproarious and unchecked, burst from my chest at the lie.
Three sets of interested eyes—those of Georgia, Cassie, and Winnie—locked on to us immediately. “Whoops,” I whispered, pushing Melody slightly in front of me with a hand at her back. “Looks like we’re busted.”
She moved the first few steps like her feet were encased in cement, so I used my hand and pressure to suggest she move a little faster.
“It’ll be fine,” I whispered right before we got to the table. “They’re going to love you.”
Melody’s eyes bounced over her shoulder, and I knew it had to be the tone of my voice. It said the words I didn’t: they’re going to love you. I know because I do.
I surprised even myself when I didn’t panic. I wasn’t completely sure if I was actually in love with her, but I knew what I felt was a little more than affectionate. I also knew we’d been together barely any time at all, but we spent literally every day together. Working, talking, laughing—all of it made me that much fonder of her.
“Hey, brother!” Georgia greeted, jumping up from her seat to give me a kiss on the cheek. “I didn’t know you were bringing a friend.”
“Yeah.” I looked to Melody and back to the group of women. “I hope that’s okay.”
Georgia waved my comment away. “It’s fine! The more, the merrier.”
“Great. But actually, Melody is—”
“We get it, Will,” Georgia cut me off, waving her napkin back and forth before putting it back in her lap. “You’re not dating. Winnie taught us the important lesson of what a woman ‘too smart to date Will Cummings’ looks like.”
“Yeah,” Cassie remarked with a laugh. “Hot. Stacked. Fire in her eyes. She’s definitely too smart for you.”
A tiny little river of hurt carved its way through my chest, the doubt it left in its wake making me wonder if they were on to something. Melody was good. She was positivity and a real conduit for change. And she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on. The sum of all those things easily outnumbered the total of what I deserved.
“Actually,” Melody cut in, her hand snaking out and linking itself with mine, “I’m not too smart.”
Fuck me. Doubt effectively dried up, I felt a little like puffing out my chest.
Winnie’s eyes were the first to light up. “Yessss.” She banged a hand so hard on the table it made everyone else jump. “I’m finally here for the fun stuff.”
Melody’s expression turned uncertain, so I leaped to explain with a pointed glare in Winnie’s direction. “She’s got a brilliant mind, but Winnie is just as deranged as my sister and Cassie. Ignore her words until they actually make sense.”
Cassie took no offense. “Don’t mind us. We just love to watch the drama.”
“You love drama?” Melody asked, slightly horrified at the prospect of what I’d gotten her into.
Cassie was once again unfazed. “Go through it, no. Watch it, yes.”
“There’s no drama,” I interceded. Fucking hell, this lunch was going to be long.
“Of course there’s no drama…” Cassie muttered. “Yet.”
“No. No drama. Ever.”
“Pshh!” She laughed. “Okay, William. Good one.”
“Cassie!” Georgia scolded. “Back off. You’re scaring Melody.” My eyes narrowed. I appreciated the backup, but normally Cassie and my sister played on the same damn team. I didn’t trust this new development.
“I’m okay,” Melody offered. “Really. A day in our office is a little bit like an episode of Dallas.”
“You work together?” Winnie asked excitedly, and Melody’s eyes jumped to mine.
No. I hadn’t shared that little detail.
“Yes,” I confirmed. “Melody is my nurse.”
“Ohh,” Cassie breathed, grabbing Melody by both hands and yanking her toward herself. “Are you his naughty nurse? Thatcher and I could really use some ideas for that role-play.”
“Gross,” Georgia muttered, grabbing her tea to take a sip.
Carefully, I reached down and untangled Cassie’s hands from Melody, asking, “Can we sit down now, please? We’re hungry and on a schedule. It took a little effort to sneak both of us out two times in less than a week.”
I looked at Georgia pointedly. She’d all but insisted that we come to lunch today.
“Fine, fine,” Cassie acquiesced. “Sit down. Eat pussy. Doesn’t bother me.”
“Oh, Cass, geez,” I snapped, noticing Melody’s eyes were now the size of saucers.
Georgia had employed her own tactic, covering her ears and chanting, “La La La, that’s my brother, La La La!”
“Sorry, Melody,” Winnie apologized. “Cassie has zero filter.”
Melody’s cheeks were pink, but all in all, she recovered nicely. “Oh, that’s okay. I’d be in trouble if I were bashful with this guy around. The other day he had a woman come in for an exam with a laminated phone number in her vagina.”
I sank my head into my hands. “Oh, here we go!”
“What?” Georgia yelled. “That is incredible! You have to tell us everything!”
“Dish, diva!” Cassie commanded.
And she did. For the next twenty-five minutes, I watched, enthralled, as Melody inserted herself into their little circle seamlessly. I didn’t even really mind that ninety percent of her material came from embarrassing stories about me. I’d sacrifice myself as long as she felt comfortable.
“You should hear the way she—” I said, hoping to actually add something to the conversation.
“You know what I just realized,” Cassie interrupted now that someone with a penis was trying to talk. “There’s a chance we could have a little birthday baby!”
“What?” I asked. “Whose birthday is in late July?”
She rolled her eyes. “No one’s. But Big Dick’s is at the end of June.”
“But then she’d be having the baby a month early,” Winnie pointed out, and I nodded.
“And?” she said, waving her off with a swat.
Winnie looked to me and bugged out her eyes, prompting, “Will?”
Cassie’s hard stare turned to me swiftly. Her look was nearly as sharp as I knew her tongue could be, so I dropped my sandwich onto my plate and cleared my throat as a means to gather my courage. “As a medical professional, I’d have to advise against it if at all possible.”
“Ugh,” she huffed. “What do you know!”
Melody’s eyes came to me, and let me tell you, they were wide. “Um, you’re only the head of obstetrics at St. Luke’s Hospital,” she leaned close and whispered.
I smiled, turning to kiss her on the cheek before whispering back into her ear, “Trust me, that doesn’t matter at all.”
“Anyway, how great would it be to have Big Dick Junior share a birthday with his dad?” Cassie went on.
“Would you stop?” Georgia shouted. “My baby is a girl! She doesn’t have a dick, big or small, for shit’s sake.”
“Meh.” Cassie shrugged. “I’m not convinced.”
“It’s a girl!”
“I’ll wait until Big Dick’s birthday to find out.”
“My baby isn’t coming that early!” Georgia continued to shout.
“Relax, George,” I advised. “Calm is better for the baby.”
She took a deep breath, smoothing the air down with her hands like it would actually help her calm herself.
And
then a gleam entered her eye.
“Oh my God, I know!” Gigi squeaked excitedly, bouncing up and down like a teenager. My eyes shot to her stomach. Okay, a pregnant teenager. “You guys should come over to my house tomorrow to watch the new episode of Dr. Obscene.”
That little fucking schemer. I bet that’s why she’d wanted me to come to lunch in the first place—so she could force me into another horrific family gathering for one of my episodes. She knew seeing her all pitiful and pregnant made it harder to say no.
“Ugh,” I groaned. “Don’t call it that.”
“Why, William?” Cassie cooed seductively. “You can’t fool us.”
Melody’s eyes shot back and forth between Cassie and me in question, and I shook my head no. No. Sure, I’d joked about a fictitious affair between her and me in the past as a means to get under Georgia’s skin, but there was a little too much crazy in her recipe for me. Too much spice and I broke out in a sweat.
“But seriously,” George implored, grabbing on to Melody’s hand and squeezing. “You guys have to come! Please, please, please! You can’t say no to a pregnant woman.”
“You really can’t,” Winnie advised with a shake of her head. “I tried, like, three times when she invited me to this lunch. And yet, here I sit. Eating.”
I groaned. “Mel?”
She shook her head, but what I took away overall was her smile. “I guess we’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
After a twenty-minute drive through some seriously rich people suburbia, Will pulled the car up in front of his sister’s New Jersey home. As soon as the engine’s growl quieted to the tick of a hot car cooling, I unbuckled my seat belt and started to open the door, but I didn’t get far before Will reacted.
“Wait,” he urged and wrapped his fingers around my elbow. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
I dropped my hand away from the door handle and looked at him inquisitively. “Ready for what, exactly?” I asked, curious as to what he could think I wasn’t prepared for at this point. The vagina-shake, the nipple display, Marlene, Melissa, the vajazzling, Cassie at lunch yesterday… I wasn’t sure how much worse it could get.
He sighed the beleaguered sigh of someone who knew better than I did that there was always something worse around the corner.
“My parents are going to be here tonight.”
I knew that. Georgia had called him earlier to let him know. In his words, another layer to her fucking onion of a scheme.
“Yeah…I’m meeting your parents tonight…” I paused for a moment and searched his eyes for an explanation. “It all sounds pretty straightforward to me.”
He shook his head slightly. “Nothing is straightforward with Dick and Savannah.”
The stressed-out expression on his face pushed a slight giggle from my lips.
“Don’t laugh,” he said, but the faint smirk on his lips betrayed his words.
“I’m not laughing.”
“You are so laughing.”
“Okay, fine,” I admitted. “I’m laughing a little, but the look on your face wasn’t helping anything.”
“What look?”
“This look,” I answered and mimicked the anxious creases of his eyes and firm set of his lips. “Like, you’re either constipated or two seconds away from putting the car in Drive and slamming on the gas.”
His face eased into amusement, and a small chuckle left his lips. “It’s the latter.”
“I’m just meeting your parents, Will. How bad can it be?”
“Bad? More like dangerous.”
A surprised laugh escaped my lungs. “They’re not serial killers.”
“No, but what they don’t hit in death count, they make up for in meddling about my sex life and inappropriate comments about their sex life.”
“Your mom’s a sex therapist. I won’t be shocked by her being a little more open-minded than most.”
“I wish it were just open-minded,” he muttered.
“C’mon, William,” I encouraged and opened my door. “Let’s go meet your parents. Lord knows, it can’t be worse than meeting mine. I mean, my dad asked you if you had condoms, and that was right before our first date.”
He just smirked in response, and I didn’t give him any more time to dally in the car. I hopped out of the passenger side and grabbed my purse off the floor. Will followed my lead, getting out of the driver’s seat and rounding the car to meet me.
With his hand placed to the small of my back, we walked toward the front door of his sister’s home. “Remember,” he started once we reached the porch. “I warned you.”
“Oh, shut up,” I teased and grinned up at him. “Everything will be just fine.”
He rang the doorbell, and within seconds, the door swung open and a giant of a man appeared with a toddler on his hip. “William!” he greeted. “It’s so nice of you to stop by.”
“You realize this isn’t your house, right?”
“Yeah, well, Savannah put me in charge of greeting guests. She said I’ve got the sexiest smile she’s ever seen,” the giant responded with a smirk and wink. “And who might this be?” he asked and held out his non-toddler corralling hand toward me.
“Thatch, this is Melody,” Will introduced us. “Melody, this is Thatch, my brother-in-law’s best friend. And the little guy in his arms is his son, Ace.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” I shook Thatch’s hand. “And it’s really nice to meet you, you little cutie,” I said to Ace and tickled his belly.
He giggled in response and then held both of his tiny hands out in my direction. “Hole me, pease.”
Both Will and Thatch chuckled.
“You come on too strong, little man,” Thatch whispered to Ace. “You have to ease into it with the ladies. Dinner first before cuddling.”
“Un-ca Will!” a tiny voice exclaimed as she ran toward us. Her pigtails bounced in the air as she made a beeline straight into Will’s arms.
“How’s my favorite girl?” Will asked and settled the little girl—who I knew from pictures was his niece, Julia—onto his hip.
She kissed his cheek, and Will grinned.
“Who dis?” she asked once her eyes met mine.
“Julia, this is my girlfriend, Melody,” he answered and smiled in my direction. “Melody, this is my niece, Julia.”
“Hi, Julia,” I greeted and gently tugged on the silk material of her pale pink dress. “Your dress is so pretty.”
“Tanks,” she said with a grin and then looked toward Ace, who was still in Thatch’s arms. “Ace-eee!” she exclaimed and squirmed out of Will’s arms. He set her to her feet, and Thatch followed suit, setting Ace onto his tiny Nike’s.
Ace smiled at Julia, and she smiled back at him. They exchanged a little toddler babble of their own before giggling like hyenas and running down the hallway together.
“I get you, Lia!” Ace shouted toward her, and Julia continued running, giggling the entire way.
“Look but don’t touch, son,” Thatcher advised, and I couldn’t stop a shocked laugh from leaving my lips.
“You’ll get used to that,” Will whispered into my ear. “Thatch is the opposite of conventional in every facet of his life.”
“His wife is Cassie, right?” I asked quietly, and Will nodded.
“Now it’s all making sense.” Because it was. Cassie wasn’t your average woman. She was outspoken and confident, and it only took a few seconds upon meeting her to deduce that she was a bit wild. Maybe a little crazy, too.
Plus, I was ninety-nine percent sure she hadn’t been wearing a bra. Only a certain kind of woman has the confidence to free-boob on purpose.
Thatch turned back toward us with his large arms crossed over his chest.
But he didn’t say anything, merely just stood there, grinning down at us without a care in the world, and things started to get awkward.
“Do you mind if we come in?” Will asked with a sarcastic smirk. “You know, inside the house, my sister’s house?”
Eventually, Thatch gestured us in the door while bellowing, “Dick! Savannah! Georgia! Will’s here!”
The second we stepped through the door, I spotted a horse of a dog snoozing on a dog bed with a fat, fluffy cat curled up to his side. Honestly, it was one of the cutest fucking things I’d ever seen.
“I’m guessing they’re best friends?” I asked Will with a nod toward the dog bed.
He snorted in laughter. “Uh…a little more than that.”
“Stan and Walter are lovers, actually,” Thatch informed me. “Oh, and watch out for Walter. He’s an asshole.”
“Walter is the dog, I’m guessing?”
“Nope. He’s that evil fucking demon cat. If I were you, I’d just avoid eye contact, and stay away from his boyfriend, Stan.”
I looked at Will in confusion, and he smiled.
“Trust me, it’s a long story.”
“Pretty sure I need to hear that story.” Because I did. I mean, a Great Dane and demon cat that were in love? Where was a television show producer when you needed one? That was reality TV gold.
“Later,” Will whispered and guided me down the hall with a hand pressed to the small of my back. Before we reached the spacious living room, a jolly specimen of a man rounded the corner with a petite and gorgeous woman pressed to his side. Both were smiling widely, and by looks alone, I knew instantly they were Will’s parents.
“Willy, my boy! Have you grown?”
My eyebrows pulled together as Will’s cheeks tinged with pink. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him blush before. What’s got him embarrassed?
“Hey, Dad,” Will greeted, but under his breath, he muttered, “Lord help me.”
“Oh, William, you look so handsome this evening.” His mother kissed him on both cheeks. “And I’m assuming this is Melody?”
“You assume correctly,” he said and wrapped his arm tightly around my shoulder. “Melody, these are my parents, Dick and Savannah Cummings.”
“She’s stunning, William,” his mother complimented. “Long legs, fantastic rack, and a gorgeous face. Isn’t she gorgeous, Dick?”
“So pretty that I’m wondering why she’s dating our son.”
I fought the urge to giggle and looked up at Will. He appeared slightly exasperated, but mostly, just smiled down at me proudly.
