by Max Monroe
“Well, come in, come in.” Savannah gestured us toward the living room where everyone—including Georgia and Cassie—seemed to be sitting cozily in front of the big-screen television.
“Georgie,” Dick chimed in, “Get off your lazy pregnant ass and greet your brother’s girlfriend.”
Georgia flipped him the bird, and Cassie laughed. “Damn, Wheorgie’s in a mood tonight.”
“Dick,” Savannah chastised. “You know she’s probably tired from all of the pregnancy sex that she and Kline have been having. Her sexual aura is practically encompassing us all.” She looked around at all of the characters who’d assembled there and smirked. “It’s making us all horny.”
“Jesus, Mom,” Will breathed out on a sigh.
“Oh, don’t be such a prude, William. You know I taught you better than that.”
A ridiculously handsome guy hopped out of his seat and held out his hand toward me. “I’m Kline, Georgia’s husband, and Will’s brother-in-law.”
“Hi, I’m Melody.”
“Oh, believe me,” Kline said with amusement. “I’m more than aware of who you are after your lunch date with Will and the gossip queens.”
“I take offense to that!” Georgia exclaimed, but Kline just grinned in response.
“We’re not gossip queens,” she added and looked toward Cassie. “Back me up, Casshead.”
Cassie smirked and shook her head. “We’re totally gossip queens. And you’re the worst of the bunch.”
“I am not!”
“You definitely are,” Thatch added as he sat down beside his wife and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to his side. “And the fact that you can’t lie or keep a secret if your life depended on it makes it even worse.”
“I can lie,” Georgia refuted and looked around the room, but when no one spoke up in agreement, she looked toward her mom. “Mom?”
“Sorry, honey, but you’re the world’s worst liar,” Savannah disagreed, and Dick chuckled.
“Yeah, Georgie,” he chimed in. “You were even a shit liar when you were a kid.”
“I was not!” she argued. “I hid loads of things from you guys.”
“Honey, we knew about your hump pillow about a week after you started masturbating.”
“Mom!” Georgia’s cheeks flushed pink.
Dick appeared more than amused. “It’s true, Georgie,” he continued the conversation. “Your mother had to sneak into your room every month just to make sure that thing got washed.”
Will laughed at his sister’s embarrassment, and she flipped him off. “Shut up, Will. Everyone in the house knew those hour-long showers weren’t for hygiene purposes.”
“Wow. Thanks, Gigi.”
She flashed a curt smile in his direction. “You’re welcome.”
“Wait a minute…” Cassie said and looked at Thatch. “Did I just hear that my little Wheorgie had a sex pillow?”
Thatch grinned. “I know, right? Tonight is fantastic.”
“Everyone shut up about the pillow!”
“We still have it in the attic at home if anyone wants to see it,” Savannah added kindly, and Georgia sighed in frustration.
“Oh. My. God.”
Kline grinned and wrapped a comforting arm around his wife’s shoulder. As he pulled her close to his side and let her hide her face against his chest, he mouthed toward Savannah, “I want that pillow.”
Savannah winked and mouthed back, “Stop by tomorrow.”
“Oh!” Cassie exclaimed and turned up the volume on the television. “It’s about to start.”
Will sighed and muttered, “Yay” in the most unenthusiastic voice possible.
As the opening credits for The Doctor Is In started to appear on the screen, I dragged Will toward an empty love seat and forced him to sit on the couch beside me.
“I think we should go,” he whispered in my ear moments later. “Yeah…I think we should leave and spend hours upon hours naked in my bed.”
I grinned and shook my head. “You’re not getting out of this by trying to ply me with sex.”
“God, I love this fucking show,” Thatch said with a giant smile stretched across his lips.
“I wonder if Dr. Obscene is going to get naked again in this episode?” Cassie questioned as she popped a few pieces of popcorn in her mouth.
“I’m right here,” Will said, but she ignored him.
“Or maybe they’ll get another shot of him where he looks like he’s jerking it?”
“One can only hope,” Thatch responded around a mouthful of pretzels. “One can only fucking hope that Dr. Obscene will get wild and nasty tonight.”
“You know, I’m still right here, guys.”
“Yep,” Thatch and Cassie responded in unison.
The show started with a shot of Will walking down the hospital hallway toward the nurses’ station and a blond nurse—wearing a pair of scrubs so tight that she must have glued them onto her body—stopped him before he could reach his destination.
“Dr. Cummings?” she asked with a flutter of her lashes and a seductive grin. “Do you have a minute?”
“For you, Mandy,” he said with a flirtatious smile, “I always have a minute.”
“Ohhhhhhh! Dr. Obscene is going to bone Mandy!” Dick called out, and I immediately felt like puking. It wasn’t even just a little bit of nausea. No. I literally felt like hurling all over Kline and Georgia’s living room.
“Aww…you’re so sweet, Dr. Cummings,” Mandy said with a playful tap to Will’s bicep. “Oh my, have you been working out?”
“She loves Dr. Obscene’s guns!” Thatch cheered toward the TV.
Jesus Christ. Was this about to turn into a goddamn porno?
I had never felt more uncomfortable than I did in that moment, sitting with Will’s family, watching him flirt on screen with a slutty nurse named Mandy.
Which was dumb…right? It was just a stupid reality show that was filmed months ago. I mean, I hadn’t met Will until after the first episode had aired. I had no claim to him when this was filmed. He was just a single guy at the time…
But God, it hurt like a motherfucker to watch it.
What in the hell was happening to me?
You’re jealous.
Was I jealous? Okay… Yeah… I was woman enough to admit that I was. I was fucking jealous. Will is mine. He wasn’t a piece of meat for slores like Mandy to sink their slorry claws into.
Will is mine? Holy hell, had I really just thought that? Like some territorial chick who was about to piss a circle around her boyfriend?
I’d never been the jealous type in the past. Hell, I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt this kind of jealousy before, not even with Eli. But holy mother of macaroons, had the green-eyed goddess made herself known.
I searched and searched the recesses of my mind for the answer to one question—why in the hell was I so jealous?
But I was completely caught off guard by how easily I figured out the answer.
Because you love him.
Mel stood in the corner, making notes on the chart, and I had to tear my eyes away from her to focus on my job. She was always distracting, her creamy skin and bold features enough to pull me in on any given day, but today was something else.
I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Last night at my sister’s house had gone surprisingly well under the circumstances—those circumstances being Thatch, Cassie, and my parents all in one room.
But on the drive home, Melody had been pensive—never something you want your new girlfriend to be without you. She’d actually wanted to go back to Bill and Janet’s to sleep on her air mattress instead of sleeping at my place.
Red flag.
Sure, she didn’t sleep over every night, but usually, when I put on a pretense of begging, she pretended to be put out and then accepted. Not last night.
Last night had been, “I think I’ll just go home. I’m tired, I need clothes, and I’d like to actually be on time for once.”
I’d argued that I could guarantee her timely arrival if she stayed with me, but she declined.
She hated that air mattress and her mom’s version of Workout Barbie, as she put it, yet her excuses seemed potentially valid.
Thanks to the insecurity monster, I’d also asked her if everything was okay so many times I was bordering on doctoring her, and every single time, she’d smiled her smile and promised she was just tired.
I was running out of ideas to get her to be honest with me. I didn’t have the practical relationship hours to know what I was doing—all I knew was that the relationship plane had controls I didn’t know how to use without flight school.
I’d finally settled on the possibility that what she said was actually what she felt. It wasn’t what we’re trained to believe about women in Man School, but it was also the only theory I had left to come up with.
Yeah, there’s no Man School per se, but when you grew up with a father like Dick Cummings, your adolescent youth included long talks about what makes women happy.
Ironically, it’s only now that I’m wishing those discussions would have hit more topics than just “how to find the G-spot.”
Unfortunately for me, Melody still seemed off today, and I had to let it go. My patients needed concentration.
“We’ll start with the breast exam, so just lie back and relax for me,” I told our current patient with a genuine smile.
She complied immediately, pulling the top of her gown off completely and massaging her own breasts jovially. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Melody’s eyes widen.
“I haven’t felt anything, but there’s just so much tissue,” Samantha Wilson teased. “You’re better at covering all of it.”
I smiled and shook my head at her seemingly forward advances. But it wasn’t like that—not really anyway.
Samantha wasn’t a new patient, as the majority had been lately, and I knew her and her case on a deeper level. She’d already been through the wringer, breast cancer at the age of thirty-six four years ago, and she’d followed that up by having reconstructive surgery to, in her words, get the boobs she’d always wanted anyway.
We joked regularly after she’d taken the lead that first appointment, opening up about how alive it made her to freely engage in humor and harmless flirting whether it was entirely appropriate or not. She’d never made any actual advances, and I’d never stepped out of line. Hell, I even knew her husband Justin pretty well. We saw each other on the golf course a few times a year.
But the most important part about our patient-doctor interactions was that we both left each appointment feeling good. And that’s all I wanted out of my job.
“Well, I am the doctor.”
She laughed.
“Let me see how you’re doing.”
She moved her hands from her breasts, sliding them under gracefully like one of the models on The Price is Right. “Have at it, Doc.”
I smiled at her as I started the exam, but the nature of my touch wasn’t playful. It wasn’t the same as when I used breasts for pleasure, and it wasn’t hot in any way. It was the same old exam I’d done thousands upon thousands of times.
Concentrating on searching all of the tissue, conscious of a relapse in a case like Samantha’s, I glanced up to find Melody’s pinched, almost pained face watching my hands intently.
I stopped automatically, calling Samantha’s attention. “Everything okay?” she asked, anxious.
My face, I knew without seeing it, was one of genuine concern, but it wasn’t because of the patient. It was because of my girlfriend. Still, I forced my concentration back to the patient where it was supposed to be.
“Yes,” I comforted. “I’m sorry, Samantha. Everything feels great. Absolutely nothing to be worried about, okay?”
Her relief was pungent.
I worked not to look at Melody for the rest of the exam and made my best effort to be courteous but professional with Samantha. She didn’t seem to mind at all, and it was actually nice to get through an entire appointment with a patient without feeling like a huge fuck-up.
“I’m going to write out a script for your ultrasound and mammogram, and I know I don’t have to tell you how important it is that you go to your appointment. You’re free, you’re beautiful, and you’re a survivor. Let’s keep it that way, okay?”
She bobbed her head in affirmation and pulled me into a hug. “I know. Thank you for always caring so much, Dr. Cummings.”
After a quick squeeze, I let her go. “Of course. See you next time, Sammy. And tell Justin to give me a call if he wants to play again in the St. Luke’s Charity Golf Tournament next spring.”
“I’m sure he’ll be game for that,” she said with a smile.
Finally done with my medical responsibilities, I headed for the door and let myself look at Melody directly. The crease between her eyebrows had eased, but she still wasn’t looking at me directly.
“Mel?” I called, and her head came up unnaturally fast.
“Yes?”
“Meet me in my office when you’re done, okay?”
She nodded and moved over to Samantha to complete her exit responsibilities. “Take your time getting dressed and then just come out and meet me in the hall. I’ll have your paperwork and walk you up to the front to make your next appointment.”
I stepped through the door as Samantha offered her thanks, and I headed straight for my office.
Grabbing the necessary papers, I quickly wrote up all of Samantha’s procedure orders and waited for Melody to come for them. I had something else I wanted to do, but I also didn’t want to get caught in the act.
A short minute later, Melody stepped just inside of my door and asked succinctly, “Paperwork?”
Normally a gentleman, I would have gotten up to hand it to her, but today, I kept my ass planted in the chair and held it out—to force her into my office.
She stepped forward and grabbed the papers, but I didn’t let go when she pulled them.
Her face took on an immediate air of annoyance, but she smoothed the rough edges of her irritation when I smirked.
“Come back after you take this up to her, okay?”
She gave a jerky nod, and I finally let go.
As soon as she cleared the door, I pulled out a tongue depressor and got to work.
Is that your uvula, or are you just happy to see me?
I know. These are so bad. But they usually make her smile.
Standing up, I waved it around to help the ink dry and then tucked it into my pocket. After two minutes, I started to get antsy, so I walked around the big desk and settled my ass into the front.
When another two minutes passed, I pushed up to standing straight again.
When the final two minutes passed—and still no sign of Melody—I walked right out of my door and up the hall toward the front, checking every open exam room as I went, but all of them were empty.
A commotion at the front was apparent the closer I got, so I hurried my pace a little.
“What’s going on?” I asked when I got to reception to find Marlene and Melody in the middle of a showdown.
“It was Marlene’s day to get lunch,” Betty explained with a shake of her head.
I glanced over my shoulder to find a waiting room full of patients staring at my staff like they were an actual reality show playing out for their viewing entertainment.
Shit. I stepped forward to intervene.
“Ladies.” Two angry faces turned toward me with a near growl.
I recoiled slightly but recovered enough to hold my ground.
“What’s going on?” Both of them started to speak at once. I rolled my eyes, speaking over them, “Melody first.”
“I ordered an Italian sub and a Coke from Marlene, and she screwed it up.”
“I didn’t screw it up!” Marlene objected loudly.
“She totally screwed up Load-y’s order,” Melissa happily chirped from behind the reception desk, and I shot a pointed lo
ok in her direction.
“Melo…Mar… Melissa, this is none of your concern.”
Good Lord, did every woman in my office’s name start with an M?
Just get to the crux of the matter, Will, before patients start to get out their phones and posting videos on YouTube. The No Cell Phones sign is only going to hold up for so long.
“Everyone just relax for a minute,” I said on a sigh and looked at my beautiful and very frustrated girlfriend. “Okay… What exactly happened?”
She sighed but jumped into her story quickly. “Marlene was taking lunch orders. I ordered an Italian sub and a Coke and gave her ten bucks. And when she got back, I went to collect my order. Our interaction went something like: ‘Hey, Marlene. Is this a good time to get my lunch?’
Yada yada… she grumbled and said, ‘What’d you order?’
‘An Italian sub and a Coke.’
She rifled through her bag again and came up empty. ‘I don’t have that.’”
“I didn’t have that!” Marlene exclaimed in the middle of the story, but Melody just shot her a glare and continued on.
“And then I responded, ‘Um, but…I ordered it.’
She looked through the bag again and offered, ‘I’ve got a piece of toast and a pickle. You want it?’
‘A piece of toast and a pickle? I gave you ten dollars for a sub and a Coke.’
She shrugged and just shoved the pickle and toast into my hands. ‘Here.’
‘But I gave you ten dollars.’
‘Yeah, well, them’s the breaks.’
And scene.”
Melody’s breathing was heavy as I looked down into her hands. Toast and a pickle.
Good Christ, Will. Do not laugh. Do. Not. Laugh.
“Are you gonna let me speak?” Marlene snapped. I just pinched my lips together and shook my head…taking a deep breath to gather myself.
Finally, when I had control over the urge to explode into laughter, I spoke. “No, I’m not,” I told Marlene.
Reaching forward and easing the now smashed piece of toast and dripping pickle from Melody’s hands, I deposited them in the trash can and waited for her eyes to meet mine.
