Hearts' Desires

by Anke Napp

  However, now she was worried, truly worried. She didn’t even think about putting more effort into winning this challenge and maybe getting all she wanted. Suddenly, winning wasn’t worth it anymore…

  Vance sat outside the rock formation and stared at the darkening river. He felt miserable. He glanced to Lauren, who was about to get dressed. What had possessed him to hook up with her?! He didn’t want her! Okay… maybe part of him had wanted her – but it was already over. He felt nothing but regret now. And of course the longing for Alison was back, accompanied by a vague feeling of guilt.

  You managed to screw up your life completely, old man! Vance searched for his cigarette package and found it empty. Suddenly, another thought crossed his mind, producing a flash of panic. What if this wasn’t the end of it? Unfortunately, stupid things like getting a girl pregnant during a quickie in the prop room – so to speak – didn’t only happen in the imagination of the tabloids! Crap! Hopefully Lauren was using some sort of birth control. Considering her ambitions and her lifestyle he would expect she did. He did not need any more complications in his life, like ugly fights in the press and even uglier law suits. As much as he had wanted a child, this was not the way. A child could not become a basis for a relationship with someone he was not even interested in! Vance wracked his brain for a decent way to express what he wanted to say.

  Finally, he simply started. “Lauren, you know there won’t be a second time for… us.” He took a deep breath, tried to gather his thoughts. “It was a mistake, and you know that.” A mistake?! I cannot believe I’m using the same word!

  If there was any way for Vance to feel even worse, this was it. He sighed, grabbed the empty cigarette package again, cursed, and started anew: “I’m not the right man for you, Lauren. I’m old enough to be your Dad. I’m not what you want.” Why the hell doesn’t she say anything? Tries to convince me of the opposite? Get angry and throw something at me or even slap me? That’s what I deserve! “You… you are a talented young actress; you have a future in this business – if you don’t make any wrong decisions. And I… can’t be part of your plans, your future. I’ve reached a … dead end.” Fuck it all!

  He dared to turn around and look at her, however it was too dark to discern more than her silhouette.

  But now Lauren glanced in his direction. “That’s bullshit”, she said. “You’re an amazing actor.”

  He had heard that before during the last few days from another mouth. All he could do now was huff. “You don’t have to flatter me anymore, Lauren.”

  Lauren stood up and brushed the sand from her shorts. “We should get back. It’s pretty dark already. Don’t wanna get eaten by some wild animal.”

  She tried to mix a bit humor in her words, but a look at Vance, who still sat slumped on the ground showed her that it missed its mark completely.

  The movie team was about to disperse after dinner. Jake had waited in vain for Vance. Now he decided it was time to move and set things in motion. He had wanted to talk to Max first, but the production coordinator seemed preoccupied enough worrying about the situation with the rebels. How funny – that he, Jake Bertoni of all people, had become sort of a relationship coach on this set! Maybe he’d laugh about it later!

  “Alison?” Jake started, stepping towards her. “I know, it’s none of my business, and I probably shouldn’t stick my big nose into your life. I know this might be the end of my employment here, but… Vance is my friend. More than a friend, he’s almost family – heck we’re closer than I am with most of my actual family members. And I hate to see him like that.”

  Alison wanted to cut him off, but she didn’t react fast enough. Maybe deep inside, she wanted to hear what he had to say.

  “He wasn’t out for a little fling on the set. I know him. That’s not his style. He wants something real – something serious. I tried to tell him to talk to you, to straighten this thing out, but right now he is too proud and too hurt to say anything. I hope you have more sense.”

  Jake stopped and managed to withstand her indecipherable stare. Her scowling deepened and she seemed to look right through him, no: past him.

  “Well, it looks as if Mr. Van Sorel already found someone to console him in his terrible… ‘distress’!”

  Jake turned around as well and the answer he had prepared died on his tongue, suddenly tasting like old paper…

  Vance and Lauren had shown up at the gate to the Lodge. In the light and shadow of the lamps lighting the pathway up to the singular accommodations, Jake couldn’t clearly see their faces. However Vance’s posture alone made it obvious to his old friend that something was very wrong. Shortly before they were face to face with each other, he straightened himself.

  “How nice of you to grace us with your presence before nightfall,” Alison said icy. “You do know that the rangers had warned us about Leopards and Rhinos.

  “It wasn’t his fault,” Lauren started now, much to Alison’s surprise. “I went on a little evening run and got lost. Vance found me and brought me back.”

  “How very gentlemanly. – I have still some things to do, so excuse me. Good night everyone!” With that, Alison stalked off to her place.

  The three of them remained in awkward silence for a moment, then Lauren spoke up: “Guys, I’ll see if I can still grab something to eat! I’m starving. See ya tomorrow!”

  Vance only nodded, avoiding looking at Jake. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled to his bungalow without another word.

  Arriving at the catering facility, Lauren discovered she wasn’t hungry after all. She ate what she had put on her plate without paying much attention to it. The more time separated her from her recent actions, the worse she felt, and she did not know how to deal with that. She distractedly answered the greetings by crew members passing by and watched them from a distance. She would have loved to talk to someone, but once she started thinking about that, she realized there was no one she felt close enough to. Especially not Julio, who just now gave her a very concerned look. Or Jake. Or Thabo. Suddenly, she felt very alone. So much, so that for a moment she even considered calling her sister.

  Lowering the blinds on the front windows of her lodge, Alison could see Vance sitting on the steps of his accommodation.

  It was the right thing to do, she repeated for herself. You’re not a person for family life or any serious relationship. You know that, Alison! Better draw the line now than in front of lawyers in L.A. later!

  Nonetheless, she stared out of the window towards Vance, who sat with his face buried in his hands. It hurt her to see him like that. So desperate and alone.

  It was the only reasonable thing to do! She finally turned away and prepared for bed, not without swallowing a tranquillizer. She had to concentrate on her work. Her work. First and last and only!

  Vance was still sitting on the steps when it was completely dark, and the stars spread their cold distant sparkle. Tears had left tracks on his face, but he did not care to wipe them away. He remembered the last time he had cried. It had been on his 20 birthday, when he found out that one of his old school mates from South Africa had died in the Army - during a border skirmish. That day more than ever before, he had hated having to sit in Canada, in safety – and alone. He looked up, through the black branches of the trees moving lazily in the nightly breeze.

  I should have come back then, he thought once again, full of regret about almost everything in his life. Obviously, I tend to make the wrong decisions all the time!

  A frustrated curse on his lips, he went inside, shoved some cookies in his mouth, rinsed with water, and lay down in his clothes.

  The next morning the second unit went off to the location where the two scenes with Thabo and Lauren would be filmed, while the first unit prepared the set for their evening work. So Jake had a highly welcome break. And – time to check on Vance.

  His old friend showed up for breakfast after the rest of the team had left, poured himself a huge mug of coffee and walked over to one of
the overturned logs at the far end to sit down. Jake followed him with a double load of sandwiches and got a grumpy “Leave me alone” – as expected.

  “Not until I watched you eating this!”

  “Later.”

  “Now.”

  “You know you’re a pain in the ass sometimes!”

  Jake joined him on the log and waited patiently for his friend to start talking.

  “I made the biggest mistake of my life,” Vance started after a while, staring at his feet. “You know how that feels?”

  “You’re talking to Jake Bertoni! I made at least four biggest mistakes in my life, old man, YOU know that. And all had big boobs and beautiful brown eyes.”

  Vance made a faint huff. “I screwed up, big time.”

  “You’re drowning yourself in self pity! ‘There’s always a way to keep your nose above the water’, that’s what you told me when we met and all you had was a hundred bucks in your pocket."

  “Stop trying to cheer me up!” Vance burst out. “You don’t know anything!” He fell silent again. After a moment, he added with low voice: “I had sex with Lauren.”

  A little involuntary whistle escaped Jake.

  “And I regret it; I regret it more than anything.”

  “You know what my grandma always said? Remorse is the first step to redemption!”

  “But that does not make the deed go away, does it?!”

  “Does Lauren want money or threaten to go public?”

  Vance shook his head. “I wouldn’t care if she did. It’s just… I can’t face myself in the mirror anymore. In all those years, when Carolyn suspected me having an affair, there was nothing going on! And now, after all these years I do it, with this girl, on this damned set? I have no feelings for her whatsoever! What a bunch of crap!”

  He stood up and paced in front of his old friend. “What the hell am I going to do now?”

  “First of all, eat some breakfast!” Jake commanded.

  Noticing a tiny movement in his field of vision, he looked up and discovered a huge butterfly. The insect flew around them, and then landed gracefully on Vance’s right foot.

  “This guy shouldn’t be here,” he said. “Normally they can only be found in the Western Cape.”

  “Perhaps he got trapped somewhere in our luggage and we relocated him. – Seems to like you, anyway!”

  As amazing as it was, the frail little butterfly had managed to haul Vance up quite a bit from his moody pit. And the two friends watched in awe, how the insect flew up and landed again, on his other foot, then his hand and finally on his head.

  “Do I see you smile or am I mistaken?” asked Jake, grinning himself.

  “Don’t know why this guy hangs around me, really. There are plenty of flowers over there! He’s going to starve that way.”

  “You’re going to starve yourself, if you don’t eat your sandwich!”

  Finally, Vance grabbed his breakfast. The butterfly moved up with a last wide circle and disappeared in the leaves of the tree.

  On the set, Lauren took her position, blinking against the midday sun. She hadn’t slept for a minute last night. And not sleeping was something she considered absolutely disastrous for her appearance – and an imperfect appearance was worse than… well… almost everything else she was angry about. And at the moment, she was angry about a lot of things. Alison’s commands reached her faintly, and she complied distractedly. It was the scene where Camilla expressed her worries about her father to Luis and finally convinces him to initiate a search party. At least she sounded stressed enough without much effort!

  “But his friends already came back, Luis! Let’s look for him. I have really bad feeling about this!”

  Luis, standing in front of her, grimaced uneasily and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “You know your father. He’s probably just gone somewhere to sleep off his hangover.”

  “Nobody cares about him!”

  “He doesn’t care about anyone!”

  “If you don’t help me, I’ll go alone!”

  Camilla pushed Luis aside and marched off; the camera focusing on the boy’s eyes.

  “Cut!”

  Lauren sighed in relief, but only a moment later, she cursed, when she heard the camera assistant saying: “Aw, crap! Got a bird in front of the lense during the last seconds!”

  “Is that a retake?” Alison asked, sounding annoyed as well.

  “I’m afraid so.”

  In the afternoon, Vance and Jake joined the team. When they arrived, they could easily sense the tension and agitation, before they even got out of the car. Everyone had gathered around the bus, where the radio had been turned on.

  “Some rebels from Zimbabwe have crossed the border,” Max explained. “And border patrol hasn’t caught them so far. No one knows what they are up to.”

  “Maybe they just want to go into hiding in one of the townships,” Vance suggested, while the make-up-team prepared him for the scene.

  “We should pack our stuff!” Lauren said.

  “I would rather be miles away back in the studio in California, too,” replied Alison. “However, the producer gave us a deadline. We cannot shoot this one anywhere else. It’s not up to me – so please spare me any further complaints and arguments, okay? The more you all focus on your work, the sooner we are done and on our way home!”

  Silently she agreed with the crew, but she had to stand firm for the sake of the project. The sake of the project… the thought echoed in her mind, while she gave the instructions for camera positioning. Wasn’t it always the project? Before the inevitable next thought about what she would do when THIS project was finished could make a claim on her, Alison stepped over to Vance.

  “I assume you are ready?” she asked, her eyes hidden behind her sunglasses.

  Vance nodded.

  “Good!” She gave Jake and the lighting team last orders. Then she turned to Vance again.

  “Just like we talked about, you’ll walk past these two trees, and then turn around, where the marker is. From there you will spot Camilla and Louis. I want to see some emotional struggle in that scene! You feel betrayed by life, by destiny; it's like a death blow - but then, love prevails. I absolutely need -- what is it?!"

  “There was … a butterfly on your head.”

  “Okay.” She ran her fingers over her hair, unsettled by this tiny, soft, almost unnoticeable interruption of her military speech. “Let’s get to work! Ready now?”

  She waited until Nora was finished with the background action layout. Seeing her assistant’s ready sign, she stepped back, and Vance couldn’t help but think how graceful she moved.

  Meanwhile, Thabo and Lauren sat at the camping table enjoying something to drink and a little snack, before it was their turn again. Uncharacteristically quiet Thabo crouched next to her and acted as if his cold meat roll was the most important thing in the world.

  “Hey, what’s up? Cat got your tongue today or what?”

  Thabo shrugged. After some more chewing, he mumbled: “I figure you’re not interested in conversation with me anymore, now that you’re with him.” He gestured in Vance’s direction and kept eating.

  “What? That’s bullshit! I’m not with anyone.”

  “Vance, now it was a bit too slow!” sounded Jake’s voice from the camera. “And don’t lift your weapon that high, or it covers half of your face! – Okay, once again!”

  Lauren observed Vance taking his position. She still felt bad, looking at him. But there was nothing she could do about that without making things worse.

  This time everything went perfect. Alison had just signaled ‘cut’, when a series of shots drowned every other sound. That wasn't a game warden’s rifle - that was for sure! The team froze. Someone whispered “Oh my God!”

  “Pack up!” ordered Alison and turned to Max. “How far away do you think those shots were?”

  “Hard to tell because of the echo. I fear-” Max started, but more shots, yelling and the sputtering of engin
es interrupted him. One of the sound crew boys climbed up a rock nearby.

  “Get into the vehicles!” ordered Vance and ripped the cable out of the second camera assistant’s hand. “Leave this and get into the bus!”

  “I can see them!” called the boy from above the rock. “It’s a military jeep! No, two… and another one is in pursuit! They’re heading –“

  An explosion swallowed the rest of what he was saying. There was an orange-red fire cloud and the pursuing vehicle was gone. The guy on the rock turned back, pale and frightened.

  “Move!” Alison commanded. “Leave everything; we’ll only take the cameras!”

  Hearing her say that everyone realized how serious the situation was. While the first crew members ran down the slope to the bus and the other parked vehicles, the sound of the approaching jeep came closer. Thabo helped Nora, and Chang dragged another stunned team member along. While the make-up-specialist still made it, Thabo and Nora were too slow. The panicking bus driver started pulling away, leaving them and some other crewmembers behind.

  “We still have my Rover and the other car!” Max pushed Lauren forward. “Come on!”

  Jake was still trying to get his camera loose. In his haste, he had broken a little splint on the dolly and now it was stuck. Jake cursed, red-faced. Alison knelt next to him, trying to help. Vance sprinted towards them, taking her arm.

  “Get in the car!”

  She struggled. “Don’t patronize me!”

  “Get in the damned car!”

  “I don’t need your help! Leave me alone!”

  “I can-”

  “Got it!” wheezed Jake, grabbing the camera as best as he could.

  “Don’t move!”