Beasts & Geeks

by Joe Ballarini

  I spun around. Six bloodshot eyeballs lingered in the window, staring directly at me, eyestalks waving just above the sill like slimy periscopes. I gasped and clung to the baby.

  “What is that?” Victor said.

  Be cool, Kelly. You’ve done this before.

  I wheeled Theo’s bassinet into the living room. First things first: get Theo out of harm’s way. His crying subsided for a moment. I shut the bedroom door and stood alone with the thing outside the window.

  The giant eyeballs left smudge marks as they bumped against the glass.

  My mind raced. I’ve never seen anything like that thing. We’re two floors up. Means it can climb walls. Breathe, Kelly. Keep cool. At least it’s a monster and not a bug.

  “Go away!” I yelled, flailing my arms.

  “I’m not hanging up with you!” I heard Victor’s voice.

  “Not you, it!” I said.

  “Let me see!” he begged.

  Ugh, Victor! I grabbed my phone and stood it up so Victor could see the lurking creep.

  “Deees-gusting!” said Victor, excited.

  I took a big step toward the window to show it that I wasn’t afraid.

  “By the Order of the Rhode Island Babysitters, I command you to leave the premises!” My voice quivered.

  The gray, sluglike globes remained locked on me with an unsettling gaze. I flicked open my camera app and snapped a few pics. Its spongy, oversized meatball body was clinging to the second-floor wall by a slime-dripping sucker.

  “What is it?” Victor whispered.

  Look it up later. Right now just get rid of it.

  I tossed my phone and unzipped my book bag. My copy of S. E. Hinton’s The Outsiders spilled out.

  So much for finishing that book report.

  My hands fluttered over my babysitter arsenal that’s been disguised to look like kid’s stuff (in case anyone looked inside). A bag of exploding jelly beans? I couldn’t see a mouth to throw them into. A jump rope that expanded into a net? I had zero desire to catch this creep. A rubber ducky with an earsplitting squeaker? Don’t want to wake the baby. A silver dagger hidden in my math textbook? Too messy.

  Finally, I found a Barbie doll tucked into the side pocket. She had high-powered electrodes hidden in her head. One squeeze, and a bolt of electricity would shoot ten thousand volts from Barbie’s eyes. Perfect.

  “Get lost or get fried, Six-Eyes!”

  I shook the doll’s blond head at the meatball. Not my most threatening pose.

  With my body pressed against the wall, I reached out to open the window. Six glistening eyestalks slithered toward me. I aimed, yanked back on Barbie’s hair, and a lightning bolt blasted from her eyes. The monster squealed. Its electrified tentacles whipped like fire hoses. It fell two floors down and landed with a wet smack.

  I leaned out, expecting to see a splattered goo puddle, but the creature was bouncing, very much alive. Its peepers retracted into its round, squishy body. Like a living bowling ball, it rolled across the lawn, noisily knocking over trash cans before wobbling into the night.

  I slammed the window, locked it, and pulled down the blinds. Smoke rose from Lightning Barbie’s melted face. I shook my head in disbelief. My hands were shaking.

  What was that thing and why was it here?

  Baby Theo was still sleeping safe and sound in the living room. I picked him up and held him. I think I needed the hug more than he did.

  “Kelly? You okay?” Victor kept asking on FaceTime.

  “I’m cool,” I said quietly.

  “I wish I was there.” The excitement was gone from his voice.

  I wanted to stay on the phone with him, but I had work to do. I said good-bye, put little Theo in a baby swing, and grabbed my red spiral-bound Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting.

  NAME: Six-Eyed Sleeknatch (for Five-Eyed Fungi, see page 23)

  ABILITIES: Wall crawling, night vision, extraordinary hearing, telepathic communication with other monsters

  LIVES: The jungles of Cambodia, tropical climates

  STRENGTHS: Their squishy skin makes them resilient to most weapons. Because of its remarkable eyes and ears, the Sleeknatch is most commonly employed by other monsters to observe intended victims.

  WEAKNESSES: Common table salt seems to be the only thing that does any real damage. It dehydrates them beyond repair.

  I swallowed hard. According to the guide, Sleeknatches live in tropical jungles. That meant it was far from home. Someone brought it here to look for something. Most likely me or Theo.

  How long did I have before more monsters would show up looking for revenge?

  13

  Dawn’s apartment seemed like it was getting smaller. The heater was turned up so high I felt like I was sitting in front of a hair dryer.

  I called Berna and told her everything.

  “Maybe I’m just being paranoid,” I said.

  “I’m on my way,” Berna said.

  “It’s late, Berna. You don’t have to come.”

  “Sitters look out for one another, Kelly. Besides, I live close by. Give me ten.”

  Luckily, there was nothing in the rule book about another babysitter coming over in an emergency.

  Baby Theo started to cry again. Loud, hard, angry. The same red-faced fury as when the Sleeknatch showed up. I gulped. Either his crying jag before was a total coincidence, or . . .

  My heart pounded as I rocked him in my arms and checked the windows. The lonely glow of fluorescent lights hovered in the distance. Someone wearing a long fur coat crossed the frosty lawn and ducked quickly behind the next building over. I stopped breathing.

  I watched the edge of the nearby building. Theo screamed in my arms. I shushed him and patted him on the back. I could make out the silhouette of two branches swaying around the corner of the distant apartment building. Squinting, my eyes strained in the dark. No, they were not branches. They were two scraggly horns—one was broken at the tip—twisting from the head of a creature covered in fur. Icy breath steamed from its snout as its pure silver eyes locked on me.

  The buzzer rang. Berna! She was out front, and she had no idea this hulking beast was in the back! Cradling Theo, I jumped to the intercom and jabbed the unlock button. I heard the lock click downstairs as I peered out the window. The giant hairy monster was gone.

  “Where’d it go?” I whispered.

  Slow, heavy footsteps clomped up the stairs. A sickly dread ran down my spine. What if that wasn’t Berna at the front door? What if I had just buzzed up a monster?

  Thump, thump. The steps stopped.

  I stared at the locked door, holding Theo close as I reached into my book bag. The baby gurgled gently now, grabbed a fistful of my hair, and put it in his mouth.

  “You’re not crying, so does that mean it’s okay?” I asked the baby.

  Theo’s big blue eyes stared up at the ceiling, as if it were the most interesting thing in the entire world.

  “Kelly? You in there?” I heard Berna call from behind the door.

  “Is that really Berna?” I yelled.

  “Of course it’s me! Who else would it be?”

  “What’s your favorite Friendly Unicorn?”

  “Princess Stardazzle. Because of her loyalty and rainbow healing powers.”

  I unlocked the door and hugged Berna with my free arm.

  “What’s going on, Kelly?”

  I pulled Berna to the window and pointed to the spot where the horned creature was lurking.

  “A monster was right there. Just now!”

  Berna’s mouth hung open so wide her gum almost fell out. “I rode my bike right by there. I could’ve been monster meat!”

  “I think it’s gone,” I said.

  “How do you know?”

  I held Theo up. “He stopped crying.”

  “We need to go out there and collect samples.”

  “Outside? That’s like the beginning of every horror film. We need to stay inside where it’s cozy and warm.”

/>   Berna cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows. “Don’t act scared with me. I didn’t come here to eat chips and talk boys and watch some awful TV show with subtitles. You and I both know we need to go out there, collect data, gather evidence, and see what we’re up against. Now bundle up that baby and let’s hit the scene.”

  I turned Theo into a baby burrito of blankets and followed Berna down the stairs.

  “Normally, I wouldn’t be this freaked out,” I whispered, “but I’m worried about the baby.”

  “Whatever you say.” Berna smirked.

  Berna peered out across the grounds and gave me the all clear. Our breaths turned to icy mist as we crossed the sprawling lawn. Frosty grass crackled under our sneakers. Theo’s little nose was red, but he was warm in my arms. I scanned the night, praying nothing would jump out at us.

  “See that? Right there!” Berna opened her backpack and removed a pair of tweezers and a glass vial. She plucked a clump of hair from one of the bricks and dropped it into the jar, screwing the lid on tight.

  “See any scat?” Berna asked.

  “Scat?”

  “Y’know, droppings. Helps identify the thing.”

  Berna handed me her guide. It was neatly organized with page dividers and little color-coded tabs. She opened it to a laminated diagram of monster poop. “You don’t have one of these?”

  “Nope. But now I know what to ask for Christmas,” I said.

  “Aha! Look, there’s Squatch poo,” said Berna.

  Berna tucked her scat chart and her evidence kit into her backpack. As we collected a sample from the Sleeknatch’s slime trail, something flashed in the lone, dead tree where I first saw the wanna-be bigfoot. I slowly walked toward it, listening for any signal from Theo. A piece of metal in the middle of the tree glinted in the moonlight. Tucked inside the tree’s hollow knothole was a toy soldier.

  I plucked the pewter figurine and held it up to the light. It looked like a World War Two soldier firing a bazooka. A long, brown-and-black hair was stuck to the soldier’s foot. Scratches and scuffs marred the surface. Under the base were lines that looked like maybe they could be writing, but they were too worn and faded for me to tell.

  Was it a gift? A threat? A game?

  As Berna tweezed the scraggly hair into a glass evidence vial, my whole body shivered. Maybe it was the chill December night, or maybe it was the feeling that the hairy, horned monster had left it there for me to find, as if sending me a message: I found you.

  14

  The Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting had no matches for the horned beast. Bigfoot, yes. Sasquatch, all day. But this specific creature, nada.

  “Is that your book report, Kelly?”

  I slapped the guide shut. My English teacher, Mr. Gibbs—or as he kept trying to nickname himself, Captain Red Beard—was staring at me with raised eyebrows.

  English class. Tuesday morning.

  Get it together, Kelly!

  I jammed the guide into my backpack and fished out my half-finished book report on S. E. Hinton’s The Outsiders. Beads of sweat rose from my forehead.

  I had every intention of finishing my book report last night, Mr. Gibbs, but I was distracted by monsters stalking me, was what I wanted to say.

  What I actually said was, “I’ll be done with it tomorrow.”

  Mr. Gibbs clicked his tongue. “See me after class.”

  I sank into my seat. I had never missed a homework assignment in my life. I heard Deanna whisper something to Tammy, and Tammy giggled. I could feel Victor watching me with sympathetic eyes. His empathetic look made me feel even more like a failure.

  After class, Mr. Gibbs sat at his desk and snacked on baby carrots.

  “What’s up with you, Kelly?” he said between noisy chews. “You’re one of my brightest students, but lately, you’ve been kinda spacey.”

  “I read the book; I just need to finish the report. Can I make it up?” I begged. “Please, Captain Red Beard?”

  “No. But points for using my nickname. Have a carrot.”

  “I can explain. Okay. I can’t really explain. But—”

  “I’m going to have to give you an F.”

  I gasped. The earth went wobbly under my feet. “I’ve never gotten an F in my life!”

  “Welcome to the club,” said Mr. Gibbs. “Word of advice, it’s not a very good club to be in.”

  No kidding.

  Dazed, I walked into the hall.

  You’re not good enough, Kelly. You’re going to fail, Kelly. You’re not qualified to do this, Kelly. Just give up.

  Victor was waiting for me outside.

  “What’s with the carrot?”

  I tossed the carrot into the trash. “I got an F.”

  “Congratulations!”

  I shook my head and walked to the cafeteria. I wasn’t in the mood to ironically celebrate being a loser. Victor waited with me in line for Taco Tuesday.

  “You don’t have to sit with me,” I said, not wanting him to see me like this. “You can sit with your friends.”

  “Aren’t you my friend?” he said.

  And now I’ve been friend-zoned! Wow. I can’t do anything right.

  I guess I had a pretty sad puppy-dog expression on my face because he cleared his throat and changed the subject to ice-skating as we sat at a corner table.

  “One winter, it got so cold that Milton’s Pond froze,” I said, trying to inject some fun into our awkward chitchat. “Tammy and I skated on it. It was a total Charlie Brown Christmas moment.”

  “Milton’s Pond? I live near there. If it freezes again, maybe we can go, over break. Like a . . .”

  Like a date? Is he about to say like a date? SAY IT! SAY IT!

  “Kelly! Kelly!”

  Cassie stomped up to our table. “Schcoot over, I have to talk you. Schcoot!”

  I growled as she elbowed her way into the seat next to me.

  Who am I kidding? Victor wasn’t going to ask me on a date. We’re just friends.

  “Misshush Merkowitzh ish letting ush ushe the microshcope in the schience room,” Cassie whispered. “We’re inveshtigating the hairsh you found.”

  Because Berna was her star pupil and always offered to clean the board and organize text books, Mrs. Merkowitz would let her eat lunch unsupervised in her room. Mrs. M had no idea that her science room had become a secret satellite office for the babysitters.

  “Can Victor come?”

  Cassie glared at Victor. He made a “pretty please” gesture.

  “He knows, Cass,” I whispered. “He was there on Halloween, and he saw the Sleeknatch last night.”

  Cassie fixed her crazy eyes on his. “Do you shwear yourshelf to shecreshy before the order, punishable by death?”

  “With all my heart,” Victor said, holding up his hand.

  “Fine. But no talking.”

  The lingering smell of pickled frog guts lingered in Mrs. Merkowitz’s science room. There was even an emergency shower in the back of the room, just in case a kid caught fire in an experiment gone wrong. Science class was a constant reminder that nature was always trying to kill you.

  We found Berna and Curtis in the back room, where Mrs. M kept all the expensive gear. We closed the door, and the sweet scent of Wild Berry Bubble Rush filled the air as Berna cracked her gum while peering into a high-powered microscope.

  “I looked up the horned monster in the guide,” I said. “Couldn’t find a match.”

  “Me neither,” said Curtis.

  “This might help us identify him. Take a look,” Berna said.

  I squinted into the scope and saw a single strand of the beast’s brown hair magnified a thousand times. Among its ridges and grooves were chunks of stuff clinging to the sides. Berna cracked her gum quickly, which meant her mind was in overdrive. Victor eagerly sat in the corner.

  “It has the usual stuff attached to it. Mud and fauna. Except . . . ,” Berna trailed off. Either she was holding something back or her mind was racing into
sixth gear.

  She switched out the hair slide for one with a tiny speck on it. Under the scope, it looked like a massive gray rock.

  “There was one element that I couldn’t quite place.”

  “Some kind of stone?” I asked.

  “If you look close, you’ll see it’s not just ordinary sediment or rock. It’s limestone with quartz and pyrite. See the white pressure lines there? It also has graphite and a hint of iron oxide. This is marble.”

  I glanced up from the microscope. “How the heck do you know that?”

  “Everyone knows that’s what marble’s made of,” she said.

  “No one knows what marble’s made of, Berna,” I said.

  Berna shrugged and pointed at the slide. “What’s really interesting is that this particular type of marble isn’t from the United States. It’s from Italy.”

  We all stared at Berna in disbelief. She blew a huge, blue bubble.

  “Okay, seriously. How do you know that?”

  “Because she’s Berna!” Curtis said.

  “Guys, it’s simple. This type of quartz is only found in the mines of Tuscany. And this type of marble hasn’t been sold for a hundred years,” Berna said.

  “Like what they build palacios—mansions—with?” Victor exclaimed.

  Berna tapped her finger to her temple and then pointed at Victor. “Beauty and brains.”

  “I told you not to talk,” Cassie scowled at Victor.

  “Ignore her,” Curtis said. “It’s good to have another dude here. Jerky?”

  Curtis held out a piece of dried red jerky.

  “Thanks,” said Victor, taking a bite.

  “It’s squirrel jerky,” Curtis said. “My dad’s teaching me how to make it. Once you get past the fuzzy parts, it’s pretty good.”

  Victor gagged. We all laughed.

  “I should’ve warned you. Never eat Curtis’s lunch,” I said.

  Victor forced himself to swallow. He smacked his lips, and his eyes brightened. “Delicioso.”

  Curtis cackled and slapped Victor on the back. “Good man! Have another, bro!”