Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  “That’s it!” Blake threw the covers off, about to spring from the bed. I jumped up, silencing him with my lips and pressing into him while trying to stifle a giggle.

  After a moment, he relaxed and I whispered into his ear, “Let it go. He got his free feel. He’ll be satisfied now.”

  “I’m just nervous. I kinda liked it.” Blake’s voice squeaked as he shivered.

  I laughed, reaching behind me to lace my fingers with Jace’s. “Go to sleep, boys.”

  “Merry Christmas, Blakey,” Jace called over my shoulder.

  Warm lips pressed against my temple. My eyes blinked open, taking in the dusky light. I panicked for a moment when I realized I was in my old bed, and then I felt Blake’s warm body snaked around mine. I looked up at Jace’s soft cocoa eyes.

  “Morning, baby girl,” he whispered. “Merry Christmas. I’m gonna head home before my mom sends out the troops. You good?”

  “Yes. Thanks for coming. You always save me.”

  “And I always will. See you tonight. Text me if you need anything. Love.”

  “Love.”

  I closed my eyes and burrowed deeper into Blake, drinking in his scent. He stirred and, without opening his eyes, tugged me even closer. The rhythmic beating of his heart and smooth rise and fall of his chest lulled me. My body felt light as a feather, as if it were floating on a cloud.

  Thump. Thump. Thump. Hisssss . . . . . .

  I faintly registered the bed dipping down behind me.

  Fingertips dug into my ribcage, dragging me back and slamming me against a chest. A chill replaced the warmth I felt seconds before. An erection poked me in the back while a hand snaked around my neck, covering my mouth. I cringed as warm breath touched my earlobe, and I tried to tuck my ear into my shoulder to shield it.

  “You belong to me, beautiful. Don’t ever forget that. I don’t know what gave you the balls to fuck with me and think you could get away with it.” Damon’s hand left my mouth, and I gasped, staring at Blake sleeping peacefully on the opposite end of the mattress.

  He pushed his erection into my backside while squeezing my breast to the point of pain. “You feel that?” he whispered harshly. When I didn’t respond, he pushed into me harder. “Do you?”

  “Yes,” I replied, barely audible, scared Blake would wake up and see what was happening.

  “You’re going to feel it. Trust me.” He turned me to my back and settled his full weight on top of me.

  “Don’t do this,” I cried, frantically turning my head to look at Blake. I stared at his even breathing, not understanding how he was sleeping through this.

  “Help me.” I don’t even know if the words left my mouth as a tear escaped the corner of my eye and fell into my hairline.

  Damon jerked my tank up, exposing my breasts. There was a crazed look in his eyes as he lowered his head and bit down on my nipple.

  My back bowed, and I screamed, “No!” Slapping him on the head. “Get the fuck off me!”

  “Angel? Angel!” Blake’s voice broke through my cries, but his body still lay beside me calm and motionless.

  Damon’s hand grabbed my chin and pulled my focus back to him. “Look at me! Look at me!” But the voice wasn’t his. It was Blake’s.

  I pushed against him, trying to get up. He grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me. “Angel, wake up! Open your eyes!”

  Breaking free of his hold, I scooted haphazardly on the bed, slamming my back to the headboard and drawing my knees in. My eyes darted around, trying to focus.

  The lamp on the bedside table clicked and Blake’s concerned face illuminated as he squatted over me and cupped my face in his hands. “Do you see me? It’s just me.” His eyes were wild as they bore into mine.

  My head bobbed up and down quickly. I did see him, but I was still so confused. I looked around the room trying to force reality to sink in. Dusk was peeking through the blinds and the day was about to make itself known. Jace was gone, so that really happened, but everything else was still intact. The rest was just a dream. We were alone.

  Oh no. I sunk my head between my knees and wept, mortified Blake had seen this.

  “It’s me, baby. Look at me.” He tilted my head back to focus on him. “There you are.” He scooped me onto his lap. “I couldn’t get you to come back to me. Jesus Christ, where were you? How often does this happen?” Blake rocked me in his arms, smoothing his hands down my back. He pulled my hair over my shoulder and searched my eyes. “Angel?”

  I shook out my hands and rubbed my temples. “Give me a second.” I sucked in a ragged breath through my nose and blew it out my mouth slowly, counting to ten. “I’m so embarrassed.”

  “Hey, don’t you dare.” He put his finger under my chin and lifted my gaze. “It’s me. Don’t ever hide from me. Tell me what that was. Does this happen all the time?”

  “It used to.” I looked away. “It hasn’t happened since . . .” I looked back into his icy blue pools. “Since you.” I shrugged and looked away again, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I should’ve known . . . being here . . . I shouldn’t have let you see that. I’m sorry.”

  “Are you kidding me? Evangelina, I need to know these things.” A territorial fierceness coated his eyes. “I don’t want you sleeping without me anymore. What if I wasn’t with you?”

  I scoffed. “I’m used to this, Blake. Why do you think I live alone? Why I spent all my time before you alone? I told you. What I live with isn’t pretty.”

  Recognition of the deep-rootedness of my issues shown in his eyes. I secretly prayed he’d have the sense not to press. Not here. Not now.

  His jaw clenched with determination. “We’re going to fix it.”

  I pushed out a condescending snort of a laugh. “There’s no fixing me, Blake.”

  “Bullshit, Eva. I am going to fix it. Do you trust me?”

  The million dollar question. Of course I trusted him, but this was out of the realm of his control and he needed to accept that. Knowing how relentless he was when he was determined, I knew I had to agree or he wouldn’t let up.

  “I do trust you.”

  “When we get home, you need to open up to me. I want to know exactly what’s happened so I can help you. No more secrets. Okay?”

  I found myself agreeing before I could think better of it. “Okay.”

  His hold loosened as he relaxed a little. “Good. You’re sleeping with me from now on. No exceptions.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter, Blake,” I muttered. “I’ll be fine once we’re home.”

  “I’m not babysitting. I’m protecting my investment.” He winked, lightening the mood.

  I couldn’t help but smile. I didn’t know what I’d done in my life to deserve someone like him. Always so loving and nurturing, putting my needs above all else. Some sick part of me was happy he’d witnessed that. As strong as I was, and as independent as I’d become, a small piece of me still yearned to be taken care of. To know I wasn’t alone. It was exhausting keeping up the appearance of someone who was strong and unaffected.

  Though, sticking up for myself for the first time last night had to count for something. Maybe my strong façade was being replaced by true strength and determination to move past this. I didn’t know when this transformation had taken place, but I had to believe the man sitting before me had everything to do with it.

  I couldn’t view this night terror as a setback. I wouldn’t. It would only thwart my progress. I owed it to Blake and to myself to try. To see the good in this. The truth of how I suffered was out and it felt liberating. And it put me one step closer to being one hundred percent open with Blake. To accepting what’d happened in my life. I didn’t want to hash it out yet, though. I wanted to enjoy Christmas with my first boyfriend. That asshole didn’t deserve to continue consuming every aspect of my existence.

  I cupped Blake’s face in my hands and kissed the tip of his nose. “You’re an amazing man, Blake Turner.”

  A broad smile spread across his face. “T
hank you, Evangelina Angel Ricci. You rock pretty hard yourself.”

  I wrapped my arms around the back of his head and moved onto my knees, kissing him deeply. Then I drank in his scent, pushing my chest into his, wanting to get as close as I could.

  Blake broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to mine. “Time and place, Angel. I don’t like to start things I can’t finish.”

  I exhaled, bringing myself back down. “Okay.” I raised an eyebrow. “Want your Christmas gift?”

  “Here? Now?”

  “Looks like morning to me.” I smirked.

  “You know I love surprises.” Blake sat back on his heels as I scrambled off the bed. I rummaged through my bag until I found the bundle discreetly rolled into my jeans.

  “Sneaky, sneaky.” Blake smirked.

  “I try.” I hopped on the bed, tucking my feet beneath me and handed him the shiny gold package.

  He turned it over, examining it and raised his eyebrows at me.

  “Just open it,” I said.

  Blake slipped a finger under the tape. He peeled the paper back, revealing a silver corner, then pulled slowly, ripping a line down the center until my gift was fully exposed. His eyebrows drew together while he studied the picture frame in his hands. The crease pinched between his eyes began to slacken as he looked up to meet my hopeful gaze.

  “Is this for real?”

  “For really real.” I smiled a toothy grin, proud of my well thought out gift.

  Blake ran his fingers over the engraved scroll at the top.

  Laughter is Timeless, Imagination has no Age, Dreams are Forever ~With Love, Angel

  The Walt Disney quote stood out to me, perfect for Blake and all he believed in, but I knew the most important part of the gift was tucked beneath the glass.

  “How did you afford this? I . . . I can’t accept this.” Blake’s eyes glistened as he stared down with bowed shoulders.

  “You can and you will. What’s done is done. You’re registered and you start next month. Now say thank you and give me a kiss.”

  “Angel, you can’t afford professional photography classes. We’ll get a refund and put it toward your tuition. Thank you. It was the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received in my life. But I just can’t.” He placed the registrar’s paid bill down beside him and my eyes fell on it.

  I’d saved every possible penny to afford those classes. He would have been able to take them for free at Columbia, but I couldn’t chance his dad finding out, so I’d bought him a semester at the New York Institute of Photography instead. The fact he was refusing my gift made me irate. I walked on my knees until I met him on the bed. “Blake Turner, I love you and I put a lot of thought into this gift. Now, you will accept it, or I will not even open your gift. You feel me?”

  Blake let out a small laugh, swiping his forearm under his nose and sniffling. “Look at you all forceful and shit. You’re scaring me again. It’s not Tuesday, is it?”

  “Hardy har har. You done ruining my gift now? I was happy a moment ago.” I narrowed my eyes, pretending to pout. A smile split Blake’s gorgeous face.

  “Well, if you insist.”

  “I double insist.” I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed. “Are you excited?”

  “Honestly, I’m numb right now. I can’t feel my toes. This is right up there with sex.”

  “Hey, now don’t talk crazy.”

  “You’re right.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking. C’mere.” Blake tugged on my arm, and I fell into him. He wrapped his arms around my back and dipped me, kissing me softly through smiling lips.

  I lost myself in the sweet moisture, his soft tongue gliding in and out of my mouth.

  Then he sat me up so quickly; my eyes lingered closed and my lips remained pursed as though I was still kissing him. “Your turn.” His grin turned wicked as he reached under the bed and stopped. “Put out your hands and close your eyes.”

  I squished my eyes tight and reached my hands out in a grabby motion. He wasn’t the only one who liked surprises. “Gimme, gimme.”

  Something smooth met my palm.

  “Open.” Blake’s voice sounded full of anticipation and excitement.

  I opened my eyes with a huge smile on my face and looked down at a leather bound book, wrapped in a red bow. My eyebrows knitted together as I peeled the bow open with two fingers.

  The leather was soft as butter in a rich chocolate color. I opened the cover and my hand came up to my mouth. Inscribed on the front was Blake’s handwritten scribe:

  A place for all your Forget-Me-Nots

  A dried out flower was fastened below it, along with the selfie we’d taken our first date on the rooftop.

  “I want you to make happy memories. I don’t want our moments mixed with all the bad memories in your old journal. A new journal for a new life. Nothing should taint what we have, and I never want you to confuse the two.”

  A tear fell, wetting the petal. “Better and better. God, I love you, Blake. Nothing could be more perfect than this.”

  Blake smirked. “Come on now. Give me some credit. You’re not done yet.” He swiped the moisture from my bottom lashes with the pad of his thumb. “Turn the page.”

  I bit my lip and turned. The next few pages were all the words Blake ever wrote me. I laughed through tears, seeing his candid photos of me, his forget-me-not poem, and each note he’d left me the day of our date. He’d even written out the playlist he’d downloaded on my iPod. I turned one more page, and my breath caught in my throat.

  A delicate gold chain was draped down the page. Different charms hung from scattered points. With a shaky hand, I examined each one. The first was a tree, and I smiled, thinking of Bertha. Next was a camera, followed by a microphone, a rose, a horse and carriage, angel wings, a music note, a unicorn, and a feather pen. My fingers grazed the gold back and forth, amazed at the thought he’d put into this gift.

  “Blake, I’m speechless.”

  “Your face said enough. I’m happy you like it.” He plucked the chain from the page and sat behind me. I lifted my hair, and he clasped it around my neck. Putting his hands on my shoulders, he kissed the soft skin, letting his lips linger there as he breathed me in. His nose traveled up my jaw, toward my ear, and his whispered breath sent a chill down my spine. “I love you so much, Angel. So much it hurts sometimes. I hope you know how important you are to me. You’re my life now. Nothing makes sense without you anymore.”

  “I love you, too. More than I think you realize. You gave me my life back, and I could never repay you for that.” I turned and placed each leg around his hips. “I feel like I’ve been with you forever. It’s weird it’s only been a couple of months. You’re a piece of me now. I almost feel like you always were.”

  Blake knotted his fingers in my hair and brushed his nose against mine. I breathed in a slow breath, dragging in his scent, closing my eyes. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips before licking the seam. I parted them, inviting him in. My head buzzed with the overwhelming sense of what could only be classified as Blake racing through my system. It couldn’t be confused with anything else. I wanted to pull him inside my skin but at the same time I already felt him there, living inside me.

  I looked into his eyes that were full of so much love. “Can we make this quick today? I want to go back to your place and cuddle. Alone.”

  “Sounds perfect.” Blake fingered the necklace so it sat just right, a soft smile on his lips as he admired it. “I plan on filling this with memories for the rest of your life.”

  I smiled. “I’m sure you do.”

  A loud knock sounded at the door, and I hurried off Blake’s lap, smoothing down my hair. “Come in.”

  Abby stuck her head in. “Breakfast is ready. Come eat. I want my gift.” She bounced from the door, excited, and Blake and I followed.

  The smell of fresh brewed coffee floated up the stairs. Breakfast Christmas morning was enough to make anyone’s mouth water. Bacon, eggs, French toast and, o
f course, leftover Christmas cookies were laid out buffet-style on the dining room table. Damon was practically perched on the edge of his seat as though he was waiting for something, and I wondered faintly what that could be. Though I was used to ignoring him at my mother’s table, that night terror was enough to bring back the vilest of memories, making me acutely aware of his presence. I choked them down and focused on the delicious assortment before me, so not to tip anyone off.

  After shoveling abnormal amounts of food into my face, I leaned back, holding my belly. “This is my favorite part, but now I want a nap.”

  “No shot,” Abby argued. “I waited long enough for my gift. Pony up, Da—” Abby’s words trapped in her throat as she turned to face her boyfriend. Damon was down on one knee, a black velvet box propped open with a shiny diamond sitting in the plush center.

  I shot forward in my chair, my mouth hanging open and instantly dry as the desert. “Holy shit.”

  Abby clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes dancing in a watery shimmer.

  He looked up at my sister with adoration and I thought for the briefest of moments that his love might have been real. “Abigail Tracy Ricci, I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was. You’re my best friend and my soul mate. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

  I looked back and forth from her to him, emotions warring inside me. Part of me was ashamed I felt relief this might end my constant torture. That maybe he’d finally leave me alone. The other part was sick knowing if she said yes, I’d have to live with this scumbag for the rest of my life, and my sister, who I loved more than anything, would unknowingly be taking a rapist as a husband. I played my part in all of this, and carried around my own lot of guilt, but I was smart enough to know that that’s what he was.

  I was freaking out inside, my heart racing a mile a minute. Was I supposed to finally tell her? Chance losing her? Or was I supposed to swallow it down for good as though it never happened and let her be happy? I watched her own question bounce back and forth behind her eyes as her lack of response started to make it uncomfortable.